Fiance name issue

cupcakeluv20850

My Fiance now goes by his first name. However, growing up his family called him by his middle name.  His family is very small and only a handful of the people attending the wedding call him by his middle name.  His siblings will be giving a toast in his honor and I've asked if they could call him by his 1st name over the wedding week-end. Futhermore, I told them that I previously dated someone with the middle name and it stirs up bad memories.  I didnt' say that I expected them to call him by his 1st name from now on I made a "small" request they make the effort over the wedding week-end to call him by his "first" name and recognized that my I understood if this was actually a "big" request of them.  I got a response back saying we would feel weird calling him by his first name. It's one thing for me to ignore them when I'm just with his family...but with ALL my family & friends which is the majority of the people attending our wedding...couldn't they make more effort??? His parents almost always call him by his 1st name when I'm around.

Wondering if we should cancel having wedding toasts from our families to avoid this issue all together???

cwaggoner07

I think you are overreacting a bit. I went by CJ for a long time (including when I met FI's family when we first started dating), but now that I'm in the professional world, I usually go by just my first name now. Some people call me CJ, some people call me my first name, but everyone knows that it's me. Especially if his full name is in the program, people will get it.
Also, someone could make a light-hearted comment at the beginning of the toasts about how different people call him different things.
The fact that you dated someone who went by their middle name and it stirs up bad memories is, to be honest, a little childish.
Just look forward to the beautiful wedding and life you are about to have and don't get hung up in the details. Because when the wedding is all over, it's just going tobe you and him, and you will be able to call him whatever you want.

MyNameIsNot

Really?  You think his family should change what the call him at his wedding because of who you dated in the past?  That's over the top.

His family is going to call him what they are going to call him.  Perhaps if he had made the request, it would be different.  But coming from you comes off as you interfering with their relationship, and sounds controlling.

People go by nicknames and different names with different groups.  No one is going to care that his siblings use his middle name.  

RamonaFlowers

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_fiance-name-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:5d9b708a-eb90-45bd-bc34-6e1425e0930dPost:6b912504-67dc-4d22-86b3-d8ee7f8fd010">Fiance name issue</a>:
[QUOTE]My Fiance now goes by his first name. However, growing up his family called him by his middle name.  His family is very small and only a handful of the people attending the wedding call him by his middle name.  His siblings will be giving a toast in his honor and<font color="#FF0000"> <strong>I've</strong></font> asked if they could call him by his 1st name over the wedding week-end. Futhermore,<font color="#FF0000"><strong> I</strong></font> told them that<strong> <font color="#FF0000">I</font></strong><font color="#FF0000"> </font>previously dated someone with the middle name and it stirs up bad memories.  I didnt' say that I expected them to call him by his 1st name from now on<strong> <font color="#FF0000">I </font></strong>made a "small" request they make the effort over the wedding week-end to call him by his "first" name and recognized that my I understood if this was actually a "big" request of them.  I got a response back saying we would feel weird calling him by his first name. It's one thing for <strong><font color="#FF0000">me</font></strong> to ignore them when I'm just with his family...but with ALL <strong><font color="#FF0000">my</font></strong> family & friends which is the majority of the people attending our wedding...couldn't they make more effort??? His parents almost always call him by his 1st name when I'm around. Wondering if we should cancel having wedding toasts from our families to avoid this issue all together???
Posted by cupcakeluv20850[/QUOTE]<font color="#000000">

I'm seeing an awful lot of "I/me" here regarding the name <strong>his</strong> family chooses to call <strong>him</strong>.

If he doesn't like people in his family calling him by his middle name, then <strong>he</strong> needs to be the one addressing it. If it doesn't bother <strong>him</strong>, you need to get over it.
</font>

Gabrielle76

Don't push the issue.  My FI's mom calls him "Mikey" which I think is completely disgusting, but if she wants go call him that at the wedding, people will know who she's talking about, and it's no big deal. 
Just think of it as one of the annoying quirks about his family. 

Queen Jane

What? Seriously? H goes by his middle name, but if his family wanted to use his first name I don't see the big deal. We put both our full names on the invitations. It's not like anyone will be confused about who they are referring to. Does your FI even care what they call him or is it just your preference you are concerned with? And your future husbands name, IMO, should not be so offensive to you just because of an ex. This shouldn't be an issue.

cupcakeluv20850

Okay Brides...pretty negative here!  Let's say you talked about getting married to a guy named Steve.  Your future husband's middle name is STEVE which his family called him growing up....doesn't change the way you feel about the name Steve...you still hate the name...whether it happens to be your future husband's name! So when you hear your future brother and sister in-law use the name...it still doesn't change the fact that you hate the name!  Really don't want the name used in front of your family & friends who are the majority of the people attending your wedding!   Where's the empathy here????

Bay21

From 7th grade until my first year of University I went by my last name. The group of freinds I'm inviting from highschool still pretty much call me by my last name. My fiance uses my first name, as does my family and college friends and all of my fiance's family. Some of my fiance's friends and family call him Clayt which, let's face it, sounds a little bit like a female body part. That doesn't mean I'd tell them to not speak at the wedding because of it. It means too much to everybody for me to ban them from doing this little gesture of giving a speech.

You are totally overreacting. I think you should ask yourself why you are choosing to dwell on the "bad memories" that this name brings up for you, why haven't you let that guy and those moments of the past go?

EDIT in reply to your second post:

Where is your empathy for his family? You are kind of dictating what they can and cannot call their son, brother etc, which you should not do. Going back to my example with my fiances family: Should my FMIL want to speak at the wedding I wouldn't tell her that on this day of happiness she is forbidden from calling her son "Clayt" just because somebody might think she said clit. 

Seriously, I think you need to let it go. Yes it is your wedding day, but it is your fiances too. And clearly he's not offended by  them using his middle name. PLUS, again, his family has the right to call him "poopy-face" if they want and you should respect it, and not force them to be thinking about watching what they call him because it brings up "bad memories" of some guy you should have left in your past.

NcsuPsych

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_fiance-name-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:5d9b708a-eb90-45bd-bc34-6e1425e0930dPost:3d7e027c-30aa-4ae1-a9f5-c3e115971267">Re: Fiance name issue</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay Brides...pretty negative here!  Let's say you talked about getting married to a guy named Steve.  Your future husband's middle name is STEVE which his family called him growing up....doesn't change the way you feel about the name Steve...you still hate the name...whether it happens to be your future husband's name! So when you hear your future brother and sister in-law use the name...it still doesn't change the fact that you hate the name!  Really don't want the name used in front of your family & friends who are the majority of the people attending your wedding!   Where's the empathy here????
Posted by cupcakeluv20850[/QUOTE]

It's his name. It's part of who he is. Grow up and get over it. If you're honestly holding some grudge against a name, no matter who that name is associated with, you've got some issues you need to work out.

It's his family. You have no right telling them they can and cant not call their son/brother/nephew/cousin/whatever else he may be to them. And you doing something like you have done by telling them to call him something different is rude.  Embrace the name and move on.

Also, cancelling toasts simply because of something as minimal as this is just plain silly.

Phoenixashes

You're marrying the person, not the name for one thing, and another, this is supposed to be the happiest day of your life-any bad memories should be the furthest thing from your mind. Try not to add any unnecessary stress to the wedding and just enjoy being with the man you love, regardless of what you, his family or anyone else might call him,

LP11509

Unless his middle name is Shithead or something equally offensive, then you are severely overreacting.  And you definitely overstepped boundaries in asking his family to call him something different.  Let it go. 

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_fiance-name-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:5d9b708a-eb90-45bd-bc34-6e1425e0930dPost:3d7e027c-30aa-4ae1-a9f5-c3e115971267">Re: Fiance name issue</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay Brides...pretty negative here!  Let's say you talked about getting married to a guy named Steve.  Your future husband's middle name is STEVE which his family called him growing up....doesn't change the way you feel about the name Steve...you still hate the name...whether it happens to be your future husband's name! So when you hear your future brother and sister in-law use the name...it still doesn't change the fact that you hate the name!  Really don't want the name used in front of your family & friends who are the majority of the people attending your wedding!   Where's the empathy here????
Posted by cupcakeluv20850[/QUOTE]

It's really not fair to your FI that you're planning to marry him when you clearly aren't over your ex-BF.

I have to ask -- how old are you?

RamonaFlowers

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_fiance-name-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:5d9b708a-eb90-45bd-bc34-6e1425e0930dPost:3d7e027c-30aa-4ae1-a9f5-c3e115971267">Re: Fiance name issue</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay Brides...pretty negative here!  Let's say you talked about getting married to a guy named Steve.  Your future husband's middle name is STEVE which his family called him growing up....doesn't change the way you feel about the name Steve...you still hate the name...whether it happens to be your future husband's name! So when you hear your future brother and sister in-law use the name...it still doesn't change the fact that you hate the name!  Really don't want the name used in front of your family & friends who are the majority of the people attending your wedding!   Where's the empathy here????
Posted by cupcakeluv20850[/QUOTE]


If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to realize that one bad "Steve" doesn't ruin the bunch.

If my brother's gf/FI/whatever told me not to call him by the name I've called him my entire life, I'd laugh in her face. It's what I called him long before you "existed", and unless <strong>he</strong> has a problem with it, I see no reason to stop using said name. And if she proceeded to press the issue with me "because that was her ex-boyfriend's name!", I'd probably tell him to run from her crazy ass as fast as his feet could carry him.

If your FI goes by his first name now because you have a hang-up with your ex, just count your lucky stars that <strong>he's</strong> willing to tolerate such insane behavior. Asking his siblings/other family members to follow suit is just pressing your luck.

pockysquirrel

My fiance's first name happens to be the same as my dad's. Does that weird me out a little? Sometimes. Would I ever ask him to go by another name because it weirds me out a little? No. Would I ever demand that other people call him by another name because it weirds me out a little? No way in hell! It's a very common male name, it's his name, and it's got nothing to do with me.

You're making a mountain out of a molehill, and I agree with PP that you need to resolve whatever unresolved feelings you have about your past relationship with this guy who happens to have your FI's middle name before you go through with these wedding plans.

Queen Jane

So what if your FI's first name was Steve? Would you not have dated him in the first place? Sounds ridiculous, right? Get over your ex before you get married. ETA: the issue is NOT with your FI's name. There is nothing wrong with it. The issue is with you, and I would suggest working on that before the wedding.

cwaggoner07

I had a bad breakup with a guy years ago who had the same name as my brother. I still like my brother, and still call him by his first name. It's crazy what I do for family.

Hilraythebride

I think it is really selfish that you told your family to call him his 1st name for the wedding and any wedding parties!

No empathy here!  It is his name, if you can't get over the fact that it is also an ex's name maybe you need to think about if you are seriously over this ex or not!  

I would personally be humiliated if my FI did this to me. 

I really can't believe you are thinking about skipping the wedding toasts because of the name thing!  I think that would be a real shame and just upset and offend anyone who was supposed to do a toast and the family!!

mbody

Wow. Just Wow. You actually told his family not to call your FI by the name they've been calling him his entire life?! And it's because you dated someone with that name before?! 

Let this go and stop trying to control what his family calls him. Too bad you already opened your mouth and said something- they all probably think you're a looney toon. 

hollyweenOR

If *he* wants to be called by his first name, *he* should ask them (politely, with reminders, because lifelong habits are hard to break) to please use his first name from now on. I had a friend who went by Liz when I met her, and a few years later she asked people to please start using Elizabeth- took me a year, but I managed.

And as for sharing the same name as someone you have bad memories of- I was bullied pretty badly by a girl named Jennifer in elementary school...only the most common name for girls born in the early 70s! There were 6 Jennifers in my grade! And seriously, this girl was pretty wicked to me, and made school pretty hard for me for awhile, but as you can imagine, I know a lot of Jennifers to this day, including one of my closest friends. And guess what? Even back then, I didn't have trouble *not* thinking of the mean Jennifer when I was talking to another Jennifer because they were different people! Your fi isn't that jerk. I'd try to let this go.

RebeccaB88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_fiance-name-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:5d9b708a-eb90-45bd-bc34-6e1425e0930dPost:3d7e027c-30aa-4ae1-a9f5-c3e115971267">Re: Fiance name issue</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay Brides...pretty negative here!  Let's say you talked about getting married to a guy named Steve.  Your future husband's middle name is STEVE which his family called him growing up....doesn't change the way you feel about the name Steve...you still hate the name...whether it happens to be your future husband's name! So when you hear your future brother and sister in-law use the name...it still doesn't change the fact that you hate the name!  Really don't want the name used in front of your family & friends who are the majority of the people attending your wedding!   Where's the empathy here????
Posted by cupcakeluv20850[/QUOTE]

Hows about you give your FIANCE an opportunity to change your feelings about the same Steve?  I mean, since you're going to be married to him and all. 

If the name Steve gives you that much trauma, how did you get so far into the relationship with him to get to the point where you're engaged?  You can't just ignore his name. You're going to have to live with it for the rest of your life, so you might as well suck it up and start doing that now.  It'll be on your marriage license, kids' birth certificates, etc.

Have some empathy for your FI and his family,  If HE isn't bothered by what they call him, then you need to figure out how not to be either.  If he does have a problem with it, then it's up to him to correct it, not you.  You don't want to become known as 'that shrew Steve married'. 

Summer2011Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_fiance-name-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:5d9b708a-eb90-45bd-bc34-6e1425e0930dPost:3d7e027c-30aa-4ae1-a9f5-c3e115971267">Re: Fiance name issue</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay Brides...pretty negative here!  Let's say you talked about getting married to a guy named Steve.  Your future husband's middle name is STEVE which his family called him growing up....doesn't change the way you feel about the name Steve...you still hate the name...whether it happens to be your future husband's name! So when you hear your future brother and sister in-law use the name...it still doesn't change the fact that you hate the name!  Really don't want the name used in front of your family & friends who are the majority of the people attending your wedding!   Where's the empathy here????
Posted by cupcakeluv20850[/QUOTE]

One of my best friends dated a guy named Adam for 5+ years and they had a pretty bad break-up. The guy she ended up marrying who she is having a child with now? His name's Adam. Total coincidence, obviously. But no, she did not ask people to call him by a different name because it was her ex's name. A name is just a name. It might be a bad coincidence, but that doesn't mean that he is anything like the ex. I really don't find this to be a situation that requires empathy at all. I find it quite ridiculous actually.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_fiance-name-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:5d9b708a-eb90-45bd-bc34-6e1425e0930dPost:08b5953f-c7fc-44e7-a82f-06cbd8318f88">Re: Fiance name issue</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Fiance name issue : <strong>It's really not fair to your FI that you're planning to marry him when you clearly aren't over your ex-BF</strong>. I have to ask -- how old are you?
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

<div>This.  </div><div>
</div><div>Also, your level of self-centered is astounding.  I call MUD.</div>

RamonaFlowers

One thing that's really bothering me is the complete lack of "empathy" towards your FI here, OP.

Let's say before we met DH had dated a girl with the same name that I had gone by my entire life and it ended badly. Later when we got together, he insisted on calling me by another name, because "I hate your name, it's my ex's name". First off, that would probably be the end of the relationship right there, because f*ck him, this is the name I had my entire life, I shouldn't have to change it because some b!tch from his past also happened to go by it.

But, if for some reason, I was silly enough to humor him and agreed to let him call me something different, and then he starts telling my family (the people who gave me the name, the people that have known me by that name for a helluva a lot longer than he knew his ex) that they have to start calling me something different because his ex had the same name and it bothered him? If I didn't tell you to knock it off and get over your ex already, I'm pretty sure my family would be staging an intervention-because I'd obviously had lost my damn mind if I was willing to put up with such nonsense.

chelseamb11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_fiance-name-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:5d9b708a-eb90-45bd-bc34-6e1425e0930dPost:6b912504-67dc-4d22-86b3-d8ee7f8fd010">Fiance name issue</a>:
[QUOTE]My Fiance now goes by his first name. However, growing up his family called him by his middle name.  His family is very small and only a handful of the people attending the wedding call him by his middle name.  His siblings will be giving a toast in his honor and I've asked if they could call him by his 1st name over the wedding week-end. Futhermore, I told them that I previously dated someone with the middle name and it stirs up bad memories.  I didnt' say that I expected them to call him by his 1st name from now on I made a "small" request they make the effort over the wedding week-end to call him by his "first" name and recognized that my I understood if this was actually a "big" request of them.  I got a response back saying we would feel weird calling him by his first name. It's one thing for me to ignore them when I'm just with his family...but with ALL my family & friends which is the majority of the people attending our wedding...couldn't they make more effort??? His parents almost always call him by his 1st name when I'm around. Wondering if we should cancel having wedding toasts from our families to avoid this issue all together???
Posted by cupcakeluv20850[/QUOTE]

Yeah that is rude of you.  Who cares what they called him?  They can call him whatever they want and it is rude for you to expect them to go out of their way to call him another name for a weekend just so it doesn't stiru up "bad memories".  I'd hope that you're over this ex enough to not let it get to you on the happiest weekend of your life.

jemmini6

You seem like a real piece of work OP.

What does your FI want to be called?  I'm guessing the name he's been called his entire life, not the one you decided to change it to because you are too immature to get over an ex (which really means you shouldn't be getting married in the first place).

Bron&J

My ex used to beat the crap out of me.  He and FI have the same first name.  Do I care?  No, because a) they are completely different people and b) I am a rational human being.