Am I wrong to be frustrated?

lauraandjosh040613

My MOH let me know 4 days ago that she was throwing a party for me this Thursday - dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. She then asked me if I could invite my bridesmaids. I asked them begrudgingly (I already had to invite people to my own bridal shower), and only 1 of the 3 I invited could go (the other 2 were the MOH and my future SIL, who helped a little with the planning). Then, I found out I'm expected to pay for myself. Money is tight as it is, and after having to do all of the invitations for 2 separate events, it made me frustrated. 

I sent a text to my future SIL and MOH asking if we were doing dinner since I needed to "keep a bit of a tight fist on $ right now." I was told that the plan was to meet at the restaurant, people can order what they want, and each pays for themselves. I know it was passive aggressive a bit, but I texted back and said, "Ok. Money's a bit tight for me right now, so I might just get something to drink." My bridesmaids know I don't drink alcohol, so that equals a pop or iced tea.

Am I wrong to be frustrated over these things - inviting people myself and paying for myself - and also the incredibly late notice for my bridesmaids (my future SIL asked if we needed to reschedule - I don't want to make that decision)? Is there a better way to handle the situation? It seems my own parties are becoming additional responsibilities/duties for me, and I have enough on my plate right now as it is. 

I've talked to the FSIL about it and she thinks I should contact my MOH and tell her I don't have the time or money to plan the party, but at this point it seems moot.

Sorry this is so long - just needed to vent!

KatWAG

What is wrong with saying "Thanks but no thanks?"

bunni727

I can see being frustrated, but can't see anything you can do about it now.

There's nothing wrong with declining parties, so you didn't really have to accomadate the schedule for the cheesecake party.

As far as inviting people goes, you could have said something like, "I don't feel right inviting people to a party in my own honor. I'd be happy to make up an address list for people I'd like to be there, though."

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-i-wrong-to-be-frustrated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:5df0f964-4325-4a9d-8cd8-17c6bf9c107aPost:667072b4-98ad-44bb-b6c1-75224d825383">Am I wrong to be frustrated?</a>:
[QUOTE]My MOH let me know 4 days ago that she was throwing a party for me this Thursday - dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. She then asked me if I could invite my bridesmaids. I asked them begrudgingly (I already had to invite people to my own bridal shower), and only 1 of the 3 I invited could go (the other 2 were the MOH and my future SIL, who helped a little with the planning). Then, I found out I'm expected to pay for myself. Money is tight as it is, and after having to do all of the invitations for 2 separate events, it made me frustrated.  I sent a text to my future SIL and MOH asking if we were doing dinner since I needed to "keep a bit of a tight fist on $ right now." I was told that the plan was to meet at the restaurant, people can order what they want, and each pays for themselves. I know it was passive aggressive a bit, but I texted back and said, "Ok. Money's a bit tight for me right now, so I might just get something to drink." My bridesmaids know I don't drink alcohol, so that equals a pop or iced tea. Am I wrong to be frustrated over these things - inviting people myself and paying for myself - and also the incredibly late notice for my bridesmaids (my future SIL asked if we needed to reschedule - I don't want to make that decision)? Is there a better way to handle the situation? It seems my own parties are becoming additional responsibilities/duties for me, and I have enough on my plate right now as it is.  I've talked to the FSIL about it and she thinks I should contact my MOH and tell her I don't have the time or money to plan the party, but at this point it seems moot. Sorry this is so long - just needed to vent!
Posted by lauraandjosh040613[/QUOTE]

Just decline the party. Tell your MOH that you can't swing this in the budget, and you appreciate the gesture, but you think it would be best to cancel this "party". 

lauraandjosh040613

The problem is I already told her I could be there, so I can't say no thanks. She asked me before I realized all I would have to do as a part of it. And it's not a cheesecake party, it's a dinner.

I can see in retrospect what I could have done had I known I was going to be asked to do those things, but I can't go back and change the past.

bunni727

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-i-wrong-to-be-frustrated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:5df0f964-4325-4a9d-8cd8-17c6bf9c107aPost:1d0210cd-098d-4810-a76c-922f729de526">Re: Am I wrong to be frustrated?</a>:
[QUOTE]The problem is I already told her I could be there, so I can't say no thanks. She asked me before I realized all I would have to do as a part of it. And it's not a cheesecake party, it's a dinner. I can see in retrospect what I could have done had I known I was going to be asked to do those things, but I can't go back and change the past.
Posted by lauraandjosh040613[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I got that. I just left out the word "factory" while typing.

In theory, you could still decline. Just tell her that you didn't forsee all the expense that would be involved, and it's not in the budget. That may or may not go over well, depending on her personality.

lauraandjosh040613

LOL, SM.

I just don't want to lie to her - nothing has come up. And I don't want to appear ungrateful.

lauraandjosh040613

I did already tell her money was tight, so all I would probably get would be something to drink (i.e. a pop or tea).

Peledreamsofrain

Yeah, super decline, activate!

winelover123

I think I would still just decline at this point. Thank her and just tell her it's not in your budget. PPs have good advice on handling inviting people.

bunni727

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-i-wrong-to-be-frustrated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:5df0f964-4325-4a9d-8cd8-17c6bf9c107aPost:d037f223-cade-4be6-a7b2-efbf43637aac">Re: Am I wrong to be frustrated?</a>:
[QUOTE]I did already tell her money was tight, so all I would probably get would be something to drink (i.e. a pop or tea).
Posted by lauraandjosh040613[/QUOTE]

Yes, but you admitted it was passive aggressive. You haven't, as far as your posts are concerned, told her you can't attend because it isn't in your budget. That you didn't expect all the expense involved and you can't afford it is not a lie.

If you want to go, go. I probably would if it were me; I paid for myself at my bachlorette dinner.

If you don't want to go,  you should decline.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, it sounds super frustrating.

JanoBean75

How can someone throw a party and not pay for it? That's not throwing a party, that's getting the girls together for a dutch dinner out.

OP, you got a lot of great advice. You can just tell your MOH that you thought about it more and you really can't make it work in your budget. Then, as one PP mentioned, offer some alternative ideas. Since she's planning on people paying for themselves anyway, why not do a potluck party?

steign

I would be blunt and say "I realize now I cannot afford this and therefor I am going to have to decline. I'm sorry."

MrsGandthebeag

Yup, exactly what the 2 pp's said.  If she's throwing you a "party" she should be paying for you.  This is ridiculous.  Just be honest and tell her you don't have the money.  Are you really going to sit there and get a coke while everyone else is eating at "your party?"

SummerGrl15

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-i-wrong-to-be-frustrated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:5df0f964-4325-4a9d-8cd8-17c6bf9c107aPost:107c520b-e230-409a-a4a1-ab1f6e97d609">Re: Am I wrong to be frustrated?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>How can someone throw a party and not pay for it? That's not throwing a party, that's getting the girls together for a dutch dinner out.</strong> OP, you got a lot of great advice. You can just tell your MOH that you thought about it more and you really can't make it work in your budget. Then, as one PP mentioned, offer some alternative ideas. Since she's planning on people paying for themselves anyway, why not do a potluck party?
Posted by JanoBean75[/QUOTE]

THIS!!!!!!!

lauraandjosh040613

Thanks to everyone for the advice! It wound up working out in a strange way. I started feeling sick Sunday night and was diagnosed with sinusitis on Tuesday. Since I'm sick and want to get better and not give it to anyone else, I canceled Thursday's outing. My FSIL has since organized a party for me. All I know is to come hungry with no questions asked. Not exactly what I had in mind, but it all worked out, lol!