Please Help -advice

tking97

Thank you for the advice.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_please-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:5f2890ac-448a-429e-a2a1-500cca07b167Post:55625c01-8976-4b0c-a17c-20e575e27090">Please Help -advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi, So I am getting married this weekend. My fiance has a daughter who will be turning 9 when we are away for our honeymoon. My fiance mentions that during our rehearsal dinner his mother would be bringing a cake and presents for his daughter because we would be missing her birthday. I told him that I didn't want this to happen because this is our rehearsal dinner. I then agreed to do something on Sunday after our wedding. Well my fiance's family was going to invite a bunch of people from the wedding and have this party the morning after our wedding as a sort of brunch birthday festivities. I got really upset about this as have been planning this wedding for a year and just want to have the weekend dedicated to us getting married and no also have it be birthday party bonanza. So now my fiance is super pissed at me and thinks I'm being ridiculous and this is 4 days before our wedding. Am I out of line here?
Posted by tking97[/QUOTE]

Yes, you are way out of line. Remember she will be your daughter too. It was bad planning to miss her birthday like this. Poor kid. Be a nice stepmom & not like an evil Disney stepmother.

mysticl

You are so far out of line you can't even see it.  SHE is his number one priority not YOU.  When you marry someone with children you have to understand that you are not the center of their universe.  I am the product of divorce, my mother didn't remarry until I was 18 and away at school but I still always come first to her.  If you make him choose or feel like he has to choose he will pick her. 

Apologize, tell him it was wedding stress making you nutty.  Bake that kid a cake and buy her a gift.   

tking97

Okay but the weekend of her birthday is not a weekend he would have had her anyways so we would have to celebrate a different day regardless of when our honeymoon was. All I am suggesting is that we celebrate when we get back which will be a few days after her birthday instead of before. Additionally all these people being invited to her "birthday party" after our wedding are grown-ups. She already has a kid party planned for her actual birthday. I'm simply proposing that we take her out after instead of before and not involve all of these people who wouldn't be involved in her birthday in the first place.

Lisa8888

I don't think it would be appropriate to celebrate her birthday during your rehearsal dinner. Aren't you going on a honeymoon? You said it was OK to do some kind of celebration the day after your wedding but then you said you didn't like the idea of this brunch with some of your wedding guests. Actually I don't see how inviting some wedding guests is appropriate for a child's birthday.

Can't you find some private time to give his daughter some gifts and a cake?

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_please-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:5f2890ac-448a-429e-a2a1-500cca07b167Post:48dff301-a738-4797-85cc-8c0fb0aa4412">Re: Please Help -advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay but the weekend of her birthday is not a weekend he would have had her anyways so we would have to celebrate a different day regardless of when our honeymoon was. All I am suggesting is that we celebrate when we get back which will be a few days after her birthday instead of before. Additionally all these people being invited to her "birthday party" after our wedding are grown-ups. She already has a kid party planned for her actual birthday. I'm simply proposing that we take her out after instead of before and not involve all of these people who wouldn't be involved in her birthday in the first place.
Posted by tking97[/QUOTE]

Seriously? You are marrying her father. Let her have a moment too. Who cares if it is an adult only party? I'm sure her grandmother is just trying to make her feel special during this emotional time. You are missing her birthday & she is getting a new mother. If you would stop for a second and think about your daughter,  you would try to include her more & not exclude celebrating her. You can post this on several boards, but I'm sure you will keep getting the same responses. You have a daughter now, start acting like her mother.

Edit: For the record, I'm not a kid person. So even a non-kid person thinks you are being ridiculous.

npasquale16

How many other boards did you post this on?

vsgal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_please-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:5f2890ac-448a-429e-a2a1-500cca07b167Post:48dff301-a738-4797-85cc-8c0fb0aa4412">Re: Please Help -advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay but the weekend of her birthday is not a weekend he would have had her anyways so we would have to celebrate a different day regardless of when our honeymoon was. All I am suggesting is that we celebrate when we get back which will be a few days after her birthday instead of before. Additionally all these people being invited to her "birthday party" after our wedding are grown-ups. She already has a kid party planned for her actual birthday. I'm simply proposing that we take her out after instead of before and not involve all of these people who wouldn't be involved in her birthday in the first place.
Posted by tking97[/QUOTE]

Did it ever cross you mind that some of these people might want to offer well wishes and spend time with her for her birthday? Having a cake for her and a party at your rehersal or day after party is not a big deal.  Your situation is not special.  She is going to be your daughter soon.  Why are you treating her like a second-class citizen?  Are you scared that the grown-ups will want to spend more time with her than you?  Are you scared she will steal your thunder?  She probably will.  That is what kids do.  Trust me, people will know it is your wedding.  They will still talk to you and give you attention.  So, get over it and be an ADULT.  It is not like someone wants to use your wedding day reception as her party.  You get one day.  Did you hear me?  One day.

Listen, you can suggest all you want.  The bottom line is that you are acting like a self-centered, foot-stomping, demanding, "It's MY day", bratty bride.  Of course your FI is reacting the way he is.  I would be surprised if he didn't react that way.

tking97

Okay I hear what you're saying and appreciate your honesty. 

If you don't mind, can I give you a little more info and then you can tell me if you think having the party this weekend is still the best idea.

I spent several hours today planning a party for her for this weekend, including calling several bakeries in the area, making a reservation at a restaurant, trying to determine what roads would be shut down due to some road race so that everyone could get there in a timely fashion.  

Then when I talked to my fiance he changed all the plans and all these other people were being invited and he didn't know how many and we were going to have to meet earlier (which interfered with the road closures). At this point, I was like why don't we do something special when we get back so that it can be about her birthday and this weekend would be about our wedding instead of this crammed in craziness. Now everyone is mad at me.

trix1223

Wowzers.  You're worried that a little girl's birthday party will somehow upstage your REHEARSAL dinner?  Really?

I just don't have enough words to adequately describe how short-sighted and self-centered this is.

Let the little girl have a little party with her daddy and her other relatives.  And keep in mind that denying this request, as you've discovered, is only going to make one person look bad.....very, very bad.  And it's not your FSD or your FI.

ETA:  for your wedding, you get a DAY.  Not a weekend.  Especially when there's a little girl who might like to celebrate her birthday with family. 

crys-crys

My wedding days is my step-grandmother's birthday. You can be very sure she will be getting honored AT the wedding. Your wedding isn't just about you and the FI. It's about blending the 2 families. If all these people are together and want to celebrate your step-daughters birthday and you want to make it about YOU YOU YOU then you are being selfish, even if you have something planned for the week after.

Lisa8888

The OP has clarified this. The choice is to celebrate her birthday days early on the weekend of their wedding or a few days past her actual birthday.

This is no reason for her birthday to be celebrated early. There would be nothing wrong with celebrating her birthday a few days after her birthday. Anyways, the FI knew very well when her birthday was and he planned on being away on his honeymoon for her birthday. Perhaps he shouldn't have planned to miss his daughter's birthday.

These guests are wedding guests. If suddenly there is a birthday celebration that would impose on these guests to give the daughter a gift. That is kind of rude to put the guests in that position last minute. 

vsgal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_please-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:5f2890ac-448a-429e-a2a1-500cca07b167Post:173784a9-4eba-4ef0-a481-d142887e1aad">Re: Please Help -advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay I hear what you're saying and appreciate your honesty.  If you don't mind, can I give you a little more info and then you can tell me if you think having the party this weekend is still the best idea. I spent several hours today planning a party for her for this weekend, including calling several bakeries in the area, making a reservation at a restaurant, trying to determine what roads would be shut down due to some road race so that everyone could get there in a timely fashion.   Then when I talked to my fiance he changed all the plans and all these other people were being invited and he didn't know how many and we were going to have to meet earlier (which interfered with the road closures). At this point, I was like why don't we do something special when we get back so that it can be about her birthday and this weekend would be about our wedding instead of this crammed in craziness. Now everyone is mad at me.
Posted by tking97[/QUOTE]

Nope, no change.  Put your big girl panties on and make this happen.  It sounds like FI's mother was trying to plan something until you threw a temper tantrum.  Go back to her original idea of brunch on Sunday with a cake from a grocery store. If
the restaurant that you picked is hard to get to because of road closures, then pick another one. It is not that hard.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_please-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:5f2890ac-448a-429e-a2a1-500cca07b167Post:173784a9-4eba-4ef0-a481-d142887e1aad">Re: Please Help -advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay I hear what you're saying and appreciate your honesty.  If you don't mind, can I give you a little more info and then you can tell me if you think having the party this weekend is still the best idea. I spent several hours today planning a party for her for this weekend, including calling several bakeries in the area, making a reservation at a restaurant, trying to determine what roads would be shut down due to some road race so that everyone could get there in a timely fashion.   Then when I talked to my fiance he changed all the plans and all these other people were being invited and he didn't know how many and we were going to have to meet earlier (which interfered with the road closures). At this point, I was like why don't we do something special when we get back so that it can be about her birthday and this weekend would be about our wedding instead of this crammed in craziness. Now everyone is mad at me.
Posted by tking97[/QUOTE]

You didn't change my mind.  At all. 

tking97

Okay. Thank you for the advice. I think I just needed some outside opinions to help me think more clearly. I really wasn't trying to ruin her birthday, it really just turned kind of crazy really fast, but I think if this is what everyone wants then let there be cake.

vsgal

By the way, don't EVER mention anything to her about this. It is bad enough that her father and grandmother know how you feel.  Don't scar this child because of your immaturity.

dawnmarie0627

After FI and I set a date for the wedding, we realized it was the same weekend as a close relatives birthday. Said relative WILL be getting a birthday cake either at the rehearsal dinner or at brunch the morning after the wedding.

You are becoming a stepmother this weekend. This is a huge for your future stepdaughter. Did you ever think that her grandmother, father, and other relatives wanted to make the weekend a little easier on her since things are changing in her life?

SarahPLiz

My little sister turns 21 3 days after our wedding. I am never with her on her birthday, so we are doing something for her at our reception. Its all about celebrating family for us. There is no thunder to steal.

HisCB

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_please-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:5f2890ac-448a-429e-a2a1-500cca07b167Post:79b5b12b-5254-4f5e-8e53-4782395b403b">Re: Please Help -advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please Help -advice : Seriously? You are marrying her father. Let her have a moment too. Who cares if it is an adult only party? <strong>I'm sure her grandmother is just trying to make her feel special during this emotional time. You are missing her birthday & she is getting a new mother. If you would stop for a second and think about your daughter,  you would try to include her more & not exclude celebrating her. </strong>You can post this on several boards, but I'm sure you will keep getting the same responses. You have a daughter now, start acting like her mother. Edit: For the record, I'm not a kid person. So even a non-kid person thinks you are being ridiculous.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

couldnt say it better myself.
i know a lot of engaged couples who include the (step)child(ren) in the ceremony, to make them know theyre part of the marriage, and they are special. i think that every couple should do this if there are children involved. say special vowes, give a special gift, or add a color to the sand ceremony or an extra taper in the candle ceremony.
her BIRTH is more important than your wedding.

jmkes

Just my 2 cents:  Ditto to what all pp's have said.  Glad to you seem to be thinking a little more clearly.  I've been seeing this trend a bit on these boards: brides marrying a man with children from a previous relationship and thinking those kids are going to somehow steal their day.  If you love him you HAVE TO love the kids too.  My brother is over the moon in love with his step-daughter.  We don't even think of her as not being his biological child.  She is ours.  We love her the same as we love the other two kids they've had since getting married.  My brother, and the rest of us, will (and have) done anything and everything for her.  Time to stop thinking of her as "his daughter" and think of her as your own. 

She's not stealing your thunder by being born at the same time of year that you are getting married.  She's a kid.  Kids are very receptive to emotions and actions.  Watch your step and don't dare let her catch wind that you have acted this way.  You'll hurt her and cause more problems later.

maratea

Our wedding date just happened to be the same day as my mother's 50th birthday. I doubt she cared too much; it was a distraction from the reminder she's getting old My H and I also didn't care- more reason to party! Plus, H can't forget our anniversary or my mom's bday because he'll be in twice as much trouble.

kerrib11

My mom's 50th birthday will be 2 days after our wedding and we'll be giving her a "surprise" party at my rehearsal dinner! 

gemmalouise85

We will be having two cakes at our wedding: our Wedding Cake & my grandfathers birthday cake which he will be suprised with during my speech. His birthday falls on our wedding day and the first thing I thought of was doing this

meganyani

The only way I can see getting slightly upset is if they used your actual wedding as a birthday party.... but I don't see the problem with the other plans and am glad you have taken advice to calm down a bit.

Is she living with you full time or just weekends? I think you said just weekends but I'm not sure. I know it can be hard going into a ready-made family (I am as well) but you guys need to talk about these issues and any problems you have with the kid being #1. It takes a strong woman to understand that a kid will always be first since they were there before you.

aerinpegadrak

We had four birthdays in the week of our wedding: stepdad, MOH, and my brother and sister.  For our rehearsal lunch, we picked up two ice cream cakes that said "Happy Birthday."  It was a minor gesture that did nothing to impact our RD at all, but it was something that I know meant a lot to them.

I think you're being extraordinarily selfish.

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_please-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:5f2890ac-448a-429e-a2a1-500cca07b167Post:e9d8e103-d30b-4249-9831-51f5a55f712c">Re: Please Help -advice</a>:
[QUOTE]After FI and I set a date for the wedding, we realized it was the same weekend as a close relatives birthday. Said relative WILL be getting a birthday cake either at the rehearsal dinner or at brunch the morning after the wedding. You are becoming a stepmother this weekend. This is a huge for your future stepdaughter. Did you ever think that her grandmother, father, and other relatives wanted to make the weekend a little easier on her since things are changing in her life?
Posted by dawnmarie0627[/QUOTE]


This. My sister's 30th birthday is two days before our wedding. You better believe not only will we be getting together on her actual birthday with immediate friends and family since everyone will be in town for the wedding, I'm pretty sure I'll make some mention of it and have cake for everyone at the Rehearsal dinner. You only turn 30 once, just like your step daughter will only turn 9 once.