How to deal with extreme impatience/stress/financial issues

BKJB0406

So, I would love some other opinions about my current situation.

Backstory: My fiance and I both grew up in conservative, rural, religious homes and area. People date at 16 and get married at 18-20, the men are carpenters or farmers with their parents/families and girls usually are housewives, babysitters, secretary's, no one goes to college. We have been dating 5 years, are not allowed to live together, are expected to remain virgins till marriage and only allowed to see each other during certain times approved by my parents (they have to be present for him to visit). My parents dated less than 2 years, my mom got married at 17 and I am so annoyed that us having to date 5+ years because we chose college to build a better long term financial future and they still expect us to not have a physical relationship. Old world values mixing with new world ideas. I cannot move out of my parents house because I cannot financial support myself, being a substitute teacher I am luck to get $100 -150 a week.

We went the college route, both for music education, and just graduated this last December. We have been engaged since April 2012, hoping that we would find work after gradation, but have not officially been able to plan/set a date because we cannot get full time jobs (NY education SUCKS) and obviously we cannot get married (at which point my parents completely cut me off) with out work and benefits. 

I am constantly frustrated ever time a couple my age (22) and younger gets engaged and married. I get so filled with jealousy and angry that it seems so easy for everyone else. I spend every day worried about money, constantly searching for new jobs from Maine down to Georgia, filled out countless applications, but cant seem to get so much as an interview because I have no job experience (besides substitute teaching), and our loan payments start in june (about $55,000 between both of us and a masters is required within 5 years to teach in NY, another $35,000 for each of us). My fiance is very unmotivated after 4+ years of a very demanding degree program which he now regrets because he has decided he does not want to be a teacher, doesn't have the motivation to search for a job and has said if he were single would live at home for years just to save money, so it all seems to be on my shoulders (which is unheard of in this area).

How do I sit here and control my impatience/jealousy? It is causing stress in my relationship because I get so mad every time a new couple so much younger then us gets to get married. We are completely stuck, cannot move forward and am so frustrated by this.

I am also pissed at my FI for proposing and saying how much he wants to get married, but wont get off his butt and work toward our future. I understand he is discouraged about what to do, and living in a very rural area means jobs are very scarce and involve long travel times. Yes we have talked, no we have not come up with any answers for his situation. I just want to plan and enjoy the process of being engaged and creating our new life together. I wish we could have an engagement like everyone else. But our engagement has been nothing but stress and frustration for me. I never thought I would have to move back home after college, at least not for more then a few months while we got the wedding in order. I was so sure we would get jobs coming from a very well known and distinguished college. 

Yeah yeah I know we are young, just be patient, relax, but think about having to spend your teens and early twenties not able to have a sexual relationship with your boyfriend, and not having the option of moving in together unmarried without being literally kicked out/estranged of your family. I know in 2 years none of this will matter, but I cant get myself to see that far ahead I feel so stuck and suffocated.

Avion22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_how-to-deal-with-extreme-impatiencestressfinancial-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:5f4e9bf9-ea80-4aa9-a57c-d58feac90032Post:0b956d21-89c4-44eb-b194-bfc865ffc4bb">Re:How to deal with extreme impatience/stress/financial issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry, but you need to get a job and move out of this oppressive unhealthy environment. Can't pay the bills substitute teaching? Get a job clerking at a gas station or waiting tables to fill in the income gaps. I have a theatre degree and am now making a very successful living with it, but for the first 5 years after graduating I worked a supplementary job to help pay the bills.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>That was going to be my advice as well.  You are an adult.  Move out, get a job (McDonalds?  Starbucks?), live your own life the way you want to live it.    Move forward.</div><div>
</div><div>This is easy for me to say, because I grew up in a very different family situation than you are in.   Obviously you have very strong ties to your family, your community, your faith, etc.   Leaving that behind could mean losing this connection, possibly forever, so you have to ask yourself what is really important to the two of you as a couple.   Do you both want to remain virgins until you are married?  Do you want to live together before marriage?   Once you know what you want and what is important to you, then come up with a plan.    </div><div>
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McRogol

I agree 100 with stage. You are in charge of your destiny no one else is. Are u willing to leave your community? Being from upstate NY myself and a teacher, you are very fortunate to be looking for a job in a state that still FUNDS music in schools. There's a job out there for you. March is the beginning of the period of time that school post vacancies. Now through May is tge best time to be looking for a job. Where did u student teach? That district is often a great place to start. If your in western ny, look into Albany buffalo Rochester...cities will have more openings. Good luck to u!

MrsGandthebeag

What does your FI want to do now that he doesn't teach?  How about he get a job doing what the other males in your community typically do?  If they're able to afford to live away from their parents on that salary while the wife babysits, they must do pretty good financially.  Sounds like you need to get away from your parents ASAP.  Why wouldn't they approve of you getting married now that you've graduated from college?  I think I'm missing something here.  As the other girls have said you are in charge of your future.  You're not doing anything to help yourself.  

MoonlightSilver

Ditto PPs, but I'd say it as "get another job, save up, then move out."  You need to find something with a more stable income, if possible. See if there are any volunteer opportunities in the area of teaching that you could help with, so you could list more experience on your resume. 

Also; only you will know how serious your parents are about cutting you off if you get married / have sex / move in with your FI. Perhaps it might be time to sit down with them and have a discussion about what they are willing to help you with if you take steps forward in your life (ie if you move to an area with better job opportunities, will they help you afford rent til you get on your feet?). Some people might not see this as a good idea, but when you're stuck in a financial situation that seems to have no exit, you sometimes choose less than ideal situations. 

jennylee813

If it was me, the jealousy would serve to motivate me. I agree with PPs - this is YOUR future, and you need to take control of your life. If you feel that your current way of life is suffocating, change it.

I am a teacher now as well. My circumstances were different - I got a divorce and went back to school when my youngest started kindergarten. I had to move to get a job. While I was waiting, I took a job waiting tables.

It's your life, and you only get one. Don't let it be full of regrets and "what ifs."

Good luck.

ZiggyZos

I can't believe no one has addresses that you're feeling that getting a job and finding a place to live away from parents is solely on you because your FI doesn't want to search for a job and has made statements that "if he were single, he would just stay home". It sounds to me like you also have a FI issu that you should be reevaluating.

Angelface225

Wow, 22 is so young! It may not seem that way in your community, but most places people are still really figuring out who they are at that age. I know I was!

lyndausvi

I wish I could give you a hug right now.

It seems you are in some weird place between wanting to live a more independent new world  life, but not willing to lose your family over it.   Add in lack of jobs, your FI not motivated.   That's a lot to handle at such a young age.      

I can't relate.  My parent's raised us to be independent women not moms and wives.   Asking permission to met with my FI is a foreign concept to me.   

Anyway, you need to be honest with yourself.  Why do you want to marry your FI?  Why do you think you are jealous?   What is the rush to get married?  Personally, I think  the answers are more because of community expectations.

I think some people have this unrealistic dream that once you go to college you graduation, get the dream job and you live life happily ever after.      Reality is, that is not always the case.  You only graduated a few months ago.  It takes some people years to get the dream job.  In the mean time they do what they've got to do.  Work in retail, wait tables,   work on a construction site to get the bills paid.    It's sucks, but it's what you've got to do.

Now your FI.  I'm not going to say your FI is a jerk for not being motivated.  It's sad you feel it's all on you and that is not fair.  However,  it's a pretty big pill to swallow that you just spent tens of thousands of dollars and 4 years on a degree in a field you don't even like.  It's only been  few months. Add in the community expectations of him being the breadwinner.  Wow, that is also a lot to take on for a 22 year old.   Some are ready sooner than others.     I think you need to back off a little and let him figure this out what he wants to do.  Being pressured to get a job so he can support you is not really going to help. And actually is the same pressure you are feeling.    I'm not saying wait forever, but you are only 22, you should be able to wait a few months.   Try helping find his passion.


In the mean time take time for yourself.   Think outside the box on the job front.  If that means you have to be a secretary, babysitter, whatever, do it.    You are more likely to get a job through networking.  Those connections can come in all different forms, but they rarely come to you when you are sitting at home.

GL

monkeysip

I will sympathize with you on a lot of the impatience/stress/financial issues.

FI and I are both 26.  He has a bachelors, I have a masters and teaching certification, but we're both really unsure of what we want to do.  He's an amazing artist, and would love to do that, but he's having a hard time making that into a financially secure occupation.  I have no idea what I would love to do.  I am good at some things, but I don't want to do them.  So I'm stuck, currently substituting and looking for a teaching job that I'm not sure I want.  We're both just barely making enough money to support ourselves and pay for our wedding coming up.

And we're both virgins.  We've been dating for 10+ years.  We don't live together, and we don't have a sexual relationship.  But you know what?  That's what WE want, not what our parents want.  We have very deep moral/religious convictions, and we knew we wanted to save that for marriage.  It wasn't forced upon us.  Is it difficult?  Yes.  We've been in love for 10 years and sometimes grow reeeaalllly impatient for that part of our lives.  But we also knew it wasn't smart to get married until now because we were both in school or really financially unstable.  That's OUR choice as adults.  It's not easy, but it fits in with our ultimate values and goals.

You have to figure out what you both really want.  And I don't mean "what I want right now".  I mean... want for your lives, for your own personal development, and your values.  Once you have those goals, any sacrifices you have to make will be worth it.  But you can't do it based upon what you feel forced to do by your parents.  And you can't do it alone.  You both need to be on the same page, or you need to reevaluate your relationship.

I understand your frustrations, I really do.  It sounds you're in a really difficult situation.  But it also sounds like you're still a little young and immature, honestly.  That's not an insult, you just need to really figure out what you both want.  And be willing to make the adult decisions necessary to go after that.  It's not easy.  It never will be.

MsYeck

If you cannot find a teaching job it may be a good idea to get a job as a teachers aide or ANY job int he school districts. Most districts would rather hire a good teachers aide when a teaching position comes available. Otherwise there is the possibility of moving to an area where sub jobs are more prevalent or lenient. Lots of my friends here in Nebraska sub 3 days or more a week. In Iowa you don't even need to have a degree in education to sub, just a 4 year degree.

ohmrs2014

I am having the same issues in New Jersey, getting a teaching job in New Jersey isn't easier.  But One thing you might try to do is work in a preschool.  I am currently teaching Pre-K at a very well-known franchise.  It keeps my skills fresh, even though the age group is younger than what I prefer.  But it's also a steady paycheck with benefits and paid time off.  Only downfall is we work the summers.  But I also agree with MsYeck, look into aide positions or anything within the district, that's what I am doing as well as looking for regular teaching positions.  I would move to another state in a heartbeat to teach because I know it would be easier to find a job, but FIs line of work needs to keep him close to NYC because of the job market.

If that doesn't work, then yea, look for another job to supplement your income.  Find a secretarial job or waitress at night and on the weekends.  I know it can be hard, but there was a point in time where I worked full-time at my internship while I was obtaining my BA, worked part-time on the weekends and went to school full-time.  You can do it, just don't look side-eyed at anything.

winelover123

From one 22 year old to another, I can sympathize with just graduating college and not finding your dream job. It's been ingrained into us that if we go to college we can come out with our dream job making the big bucks. At one point and time, that was true but it isn't anymore. I have what is supposed to be a very marketable degree, but I'm still waiting on companies to respond to my submission. My FI got a great job right out of college - he went into a field that has many job openings that aren't so dependent on the state of the economy or government, graduated with an impressive GPA and networked. The job market for me is not like that, so I get a little jealous of him sometimes!

Does your FI have any job? I'd ease off the nagging for a little bit - it sounds like he could be dealing with a bit of depression due to his loss of what he thought was his life goal. Give him a couple of weeks, then see if he snaps out of it. He obviously cannot live off of mommy and daddy forever with no job, so I imagine (I hope) that once he is finished wallowing, he'll start thinking of a plan. I'm not saying to sit around waiting on him forever - that would be foolish. But sometimes people just need to wallow. Are you limiting yourself to job searching on the east coast only? Have you tried other states? Is there anything in your area hiring? I agree with PP who suggested getting another job, live with the parentals for awhile and save save save. Don't turn your nose up at any job just because you have a degree - money is money even if it comes from outside of your field.

Lastly, with the physical relationship and seeing your FI. If you're depending on your parents, you really are living with their rules. I'd keep to their rules until you can afford to move out/in with FI. I can only give you advice that I gave my friend who has conservative parents (though my area is not at all like yours): who is in your relationship? You and your FI or you, your FI and your parents/community? Only you can decide that. GL!