Are cold feet normal??

Katieg90

I have never posted on here, but I'm at the point where I need some advice from those who know what they are talking about. I am 21 years old and getting married in December. I'm starting to question getting married, for no reason at all. Nothing has changed in my relationship, but with something so serious coming along, I'M SCARED.
What if he isn't the right person? (even though I think he is)
What if we are on of half the couples out there who gets a divorce?
What if ? What if? What if?
My father is on his fourth marriage and my mom is just newly divorced from her second. I'm scared because it seems like nothing works out these days, and I don't want to be one of those couples.
Is this normal? To be thinking this indepth? Or am I subconsciously rethinking my whole marriage?
PLEASE GIVE ME SOME PERSPECTIVE! (Maybe about how you felt before you got married or anything really!)
PLEASE!!!
Thanks

NcsuPsych

Just wanted to say that if we all lived our lives on "What If's" nothing would ever get done.

I wouldn't have moved away from home to go to school.
I wouldn't have ventured out my comfort zone to meet new friends
I wouldn't have met DH (Online Dating. . . BIG what if)
Thus I wouldn't have married the most amazing man I've ever known and want to spend the rest of my life with him.

I think to a point, your worries are normal, but I do think that you should talk with your FI about these worries. He can / should be able to help you out some. He could also be having a few worries of his own.

Good Luck!

[Deleted User]

There's always a million reasons NOT to do something.

Are you questioning getting married?  Or are you questioning getting married to your fiance?

In my experience, as someone not yet married but soon to be, I am 25, my FI is 26, we've only been together for just over 2 years, and even before we were engaged I never had doubts about marrying him, or also, being married to anyone at some point in my life.

You have a long time to think about this.  You also don't have to get married in December.  Have you talked to your FI about your feelings? 

Edit:  Oops, sorry NcsuPsych, you pretty much beat me to everything :-)

SpokenVows

I'm getting married in July, and I feel the same way. I love FI to death, and I can't imagine marrying anyone else. But I still have extreme butterflies. It's going to be a whole new chapter in life. I know how hard it can be to see parents get divorced. Growing up, I thought my parents would never, ever get divorced. When they did, I felt like it was almost impossible to not get divorced. But, I also know FI and I don't have to end up like that.

Katieg90

I have talked to my FI about everything and he is very supportive and understands but says he has no doubts about this. I have been hurt in the past, with a serious relationship with kids involved (that I helped raise) and it scares me to even think I could be in that position again. It has nothing to do with my FI I dont think. I knew from when I met him (maybe a little after) that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. He is my best friend and I honestly cant imagine spending my life with anyone else. I'm a big what if person and it has caused me to lose out on things in life and hesitate on some serious things in life.

Ncsupysch: I met my guy on Eharmony. A little young, I know, but it was very much worth it. Online dating is a GREAT invention

sherrbearr22

Oh gosh, Katie this is a tough one.  I'm sure you'll find a good number of people who say cold feet are normal but for me, I could not get married if I had doubts about whether or not FI was the right man for me.  I think it's 100% normal to be nervous, and scared since you have witnessed a lot of divorce in your family.  BUT if you're questioning whether or not your FI is the one for you, I think you need to have a heart-to-heart with him.

I agree with PPs about not living your life according to "what ifs."  Take some time and think about what marriage means to you and talk with your FI about your hopes and fears.  And like tiff said, you do not have to get married in Dec.

Good luck!

AllAboutTheBenjamin

I understand that you're worried something bad could happen, but if you never take any risks in life you'll never have to ask yourself "what if," you'll be asking yourself "what could have been?"  I think that latter would be a crappier question to ask.  Being afraid to get hurt in a relationship is kind of normal - I mean, the alternative is never having any relationships.  That would suck.

You're young.  You don't have to get married yet, if you aren't ready. 

Asking yourself "what if" will drive you crazy if you let it. 

[Deleted User]

I was in a 2 1/2 year relationship with someone before my FI that ended up with me feeling very hurt and scared,  and I carried a lot of my feelings over to my new relationship when I started dating FI.  (Even after being single for almost 2 years in between and really learning who I was on my own)

I'm not saying this is the answer for everything, however before FI and I were engaged, I went to a counsellor on my own for awhile and it really, really, helped me sort out any frightening feelings I still had. 

After being able to sort things out with a professional, it became a lot easier to keep the past the past, and I have looked forward to the future with my FI ever since.

Sorry for the cheese moment.  But that's just the way it worked :-)

Communicating my feelings has become such a huge thing for me, and I think it's great you have talked to your FI about this.

Katieg90

Spoken Vows: You have just made me feel so much better. I have no friends that are married or are even in that area of life, so when I talk to them about this they don't know if it's normal. I needed to hear that I am not alone in this and it does happen to other people. It might be far away, but I have my life planned out and it is so scary sometimes to think of what is to come (not that I dont want it but that it is unknown)

sherr: I know I don't have to get married in December. It's not my FI. It the fear of the unknown and not knowing what is to come I think. I can't exactly describe it. Sometimes I am SO excited to get married and just wish it was tomorrow. And the next it scares me to death. I can't wait to be his wife. I just think I'm scared of the whole concept? Not too sure. I know he is the one that I want to be with. I cant imagine life with anyone else

Katieg90

Tiffbot: Counseling is something that I reallllllly need. I have gone in the past and it is so helpful. I have talked to my FI about going and he keeps pushing me, but I'm stubborn and haven't gotten up off my butt to get there. I have been through a lot in my life and have a lot going on up in that head of mine, and I think sometimes that interferes with my logical thought haha.

Allaboutthebenj: Thank you! You are very right! I would hate to say no because of my fears of marriage and then wonder what could have been.

sherrbearr22

Fear of the unknown is normal and it can really be debilitating.  I think you've seen how impermanent marriage can end up being and don't want to wind up hurt like you've seen happen in your family.  It's good that you can talk to your FI about these things!

ETA: yes!  counseling for you and couples counseling is a great idea.

SarahPLiz

it is entirely possible to know that your FI is right for you and want to marry him someday, but not be ready to be married YET. Its ok. Don't force yourself if you aren't ready. 

For example, DH and I come from entirely different relationship backgrounds. I was so ready to settle down when I met him, and he was too, but he wasn't all about marriage. I knew from experience that he is perfect for me, and he fell hard and fast, but needed more time before he felt ready to get married period. It wasn't me he was hesitant about, it was the institution of marriage. Heck, if I hadn't been dead set on getting married before we had kids, he might still be waffling ANyway, it took him 3 years to be ready, but I would have went to the courthouse with him after 3 months. It didn't mean he didn't love me or wasn't commited to me, he just wasn't ready for marriage. Now he is. I hope he's ready for babies!!

Just because you love someone and want to be with them doesn't mean you have to get married right now. You can wait. You shouldn't live your whole life questioning the what ifs, but sometimes those are good questions to ask, especially for someone your age that may have less relationship experience. You should explore your fears and see what is fueling them before you discount them as cold feet.

FWIW, we are an EHarmony match as well. It really does work!

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Also, I dated my ex for six years.  He wasn't right for me, but part of the reason I stayed was because I would sometimes ask "what if I never found someone else?"  That was probably the dumbest thing ever, and I wasted a lot of time on a relationship I knew wasn't right.

blush64

I think being nervous can be normal. The only issue I see is that you questioned if he is the right one.

If you are questioning marriage to anyone that's one thing but to feel unsure if he is the one I think is something else. I have had many fears but what has always remained the same is the fact that I know he is the one I want.

Honestly ask yourself if he is the one. If the answer is anything but YES I would say postpone the wedding until it is.

EDIT b/c I read the rest: I think it's normal to question things when you have been hurt so much. If you want him forever than you know you want to marry him. It's just the what ifs as you said. Talk to him, let him reassure you and try to relax.

katyj25

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cold-feet-normal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:621bb176-046c-4543-8276-72b3ebf90bb2Post:55869085-2eb9-41b7-93b1-8130dcbe3fd7">Re: Are cold feet normal??</a>:
[QUOTE]I have talked to my FI about everything and he is very supportive and understands but says he has no doubts about this. I have been hurt in the past, with a serious relationship with kids involved (that I helped raise) and it scares me to even think I could be in that position again. It has nothing to do with my FI I dont think. I knew from when I met him (maybe a little after) that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. He is my best friend and I honestly cant imagine spending my life with anyone else. I'm a big what if person and it has caused me to lose out on things in life and hesitate on some serious things in life. Ncsupysch: <strong>I met my guy on Eharmony. A little young, I know, but it was very much worth it. Online dating is a GREAT invention :)
</strong>Posted by Katieg90[/QUOTE]

Edited: AATB, just wanted to say that I love your current siggy pic! How are your Twins doing? I haven't checked the standings recently.

Lurking: Yay eHarmony! FI and I are also an eHarmony success story.

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cold-feet-normal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:621bb176-046c-4543-8276-72b3ebf90bb2Post:d319a82c-cfa8-4a20-ae96-bc4d8bbbb871">Re: Are cold feet normal??</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, I dated my ex for six years.  He wasn't right for me, but part of the reason I stayed was because I would sometimes ask "what if I never found someone else?"  That was probably the dumbest thing ever, and I wasted a lot of time on a relationship I knew wasn't right.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]
I did this same thing. I blame it all on sucky self esteem. Glad I know better now!

Katieg90

No question that I love him, or that he is the one. If there is anyone out there for me it is him! Its the fear of the unknown.

I have no fear of never finding someone else, because for a long time I've always been in a monogamous relationship and never had problems finding the guy to be in them with. It's all the what if.

AATB: I was in my last relationship for awhile and stuck about for his kids and was worried if there would be anyone who would actually want me after he put me down so much, but now I know how awesome I can be

Katieg90

I can absolutely NOT imagine my life without him! He is my everything.

J&K10910

Normally I don't throw out the age card, but I'm concerned about your dating history a little if you're 21 and engaged and were in a relationship in the past where you helped raise someone else's kids.  I mean, how old were you when you were helping raise someone else's kids?! 

It just makes me wonder if maybe you've not had enough "dating around" experience and that's why you're wondering about this.

Katieg90

I was 18 and 19 and very stupid. I've dated around, not a ton. But thats not who I am. What kind of person would I be if I found someone I loved and want to start a family with to just walk away because I haven't dated around enough? I'm sort of the "what is the worst scenario" type of person. I am an anxious ball of nerves on a daily basis, who worries about everything, and I do mean everything. And I'm not afraid to admit this about myself. Luckily, my FI handles it very well and finds it one of my cute quirks (and I think deep down he likes to pull me off my anxious ledge when I'm freaking out)

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cold-feet-normal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:621bb176-046c-4543-8276-72b3ebf90bb2Post:f2f0895a-bdb0-4d56-a416-c66b81bb36ef">Re: Are cold feet normal??</a>:
[QUOTE]I was 18 and 19 and very stupid. I've dated around, not a ton. But thats not who I am. <strong>What kind of person would I be if I found someone I loved and want to start a family with to just walk away because I haven't dated around enough?</strong> I'm sort of the "what is the worst scenario" type of person. I am an anxious ball of nerves on a daily basis, who worries about everything, and I do mean everything. And I'm not afraid to admit this about myself. Luckily, my FI handles it very well and finds it one of my cute quirks (and I think deep down he likes to pull me off my anxious ledge when I'm freaking out)
Posted by Katieg90[/QUOTE]

Oh, no no no, that's not what I'm saying at all.  I'm just saying that if you haven't dated a ton of people (not that you SHOULD date a ton of people), it's hard to really have a good idea of what is out there--which can lead to those "Is there someone else out there that's better for me?" thoughts.

I'm not at all suggesting you should leave your FI to go date a bunch of guys.  Just offering a potential reason for wondering what else is out there.

Katieg90

I did read that wrong! haha! The more I have talked about it the better I feel and the more I know this is what I want. You ladies are so great. I am extremely glad I posted

J&K10910

Tell that to the people that think we're all biitches  

jemmini6

OP- I think in your case (and most people anyways), premarital counseling would be extremely helpful.  It might help address some of the fears you have about marriage in general and make you more comfortable with taking that step.

NcsuPsych

I have to completely agree with pre-marital counseling. Have you guys considered this yet?

When DH and I went, we talked about all of the normal things. However we also talked about what we thought the marriage would / should be like. We talked about things we hadn't fully discussed yet (Like, if we cant actually have kids, would we be open to adoption) (What would happen if DH lost his job / how would we feel).

Just a lot of things we may have occassionally thought about, but not full discussed in detail (to an extent).

Also, stress of wedding planning can do crazy things to a person. With any issue, just take it one step at a time and keep the big picture in mind (marrying your FI).

Good Luck!

Katieg90

I have recently just brought this up to the FI and being the great guy that he is he agreed to it if it will squelch my anxiety. So it is definitely a possibility! And something that I really want to do!

Soon2BeMrsTing

I'll throw out another recommendation for pre-marital couseling. We were fortunate that we were able to receive if from two couples, including from the man who married us and his wife. 

I think it's a great sign that you FI is open to premarital counseling.  Get ahold of some materials that will bring out each of your expectations, even down to "Who will do the dishes? The yardwork? The laundry?"  It's good to discuss these things- which will be a part of your day-in and day-out life together- and to discover in the process how you can serve one another in your marriage. We talked these things through and so much more- career paths, number of children desired, communication (frequency, method) with each other's families, and one that often gets overlooked- roles.  We decided in pre-marital that DH would be the primary provider in our household, especially once children come.  We now plan and budget (his graduate schooling will precede my own) according to that priority.  These are terms we agreed upon going in, so that by the time we were married we had an ample vocabulary with which to continue to dialogue and make adjustments to plans we had already made.

Fearing the unknown is really normal- the question is, are you and your FI compatible to handle that unknown future together? 

AllAboutTheBenjamin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cold-feet-normal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:621bb176-046c-4543-8276-72b3ebf90bb2Post:3ba4bad1-e7e1-411b-9ae4-15ff28519e28">Re: Are cold feet normal??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Are cold feet normal?? : Edited: AATB, just wanted to say that I love your current siggy pic! How are your Twins doing? I haven't checked the standings recently. Lurking: Yay eHarmony! FI and I are also an eHarmony success story.
Posted by katyj25[/QUOTE]


Thank you!  Oh, and the Twins are pathetically bad right now.  Division champs last year!  So far?  Last in the standings.  Embarrassing.

DNAtime

I think its normal to be anxious about big events and commitments.  Honestly, when I think about the actual wedding and vows too much it scares the sh!t out of me. I don't know why, I know FI is the right person for me, I am not scared of getting divorced, I just find it very overwhelming. 

You know like the day before you start a new job, or when I went on a two month trip to Europe, right before I totally flipped, I was jus afraid of the unknown.
I ditto PPs, go to some pre marital counseling to make sure there aren't any real issues and help calm you down.  It will be okay.

LoveMuffins

I'm going to throw in my support for pre-marital counseling.

I was engaged before, to my high school sweetheart, and i absolutely could not imagine myself being with anyone other than him... but i kept worrying, because there were things that made me uneasy, problems within the relationship that seemed minor but that irked both of us and we were convinced marraige would fix them, and i KNEW i was doing the right thing... but... i was very uneasy. we ended up breaking up, and now that i'm with my current FI, i don't have any of those feelings. It might partly be because i'm older (27) than when i was engaged before (22) and so i feel like i've lived a little more and KNOW that there's no one else out there, but i think it's also because there aren't any of those uneasy feelings, hinting at deeper problems. Not to say that's why you have uneasy feelings... but sometimes that's why those feelings exist.

Going to counseling with my ex made it clear how many things we needed to work on - and the fact that he wasn't willing to, and wanted a 'quick fix' of a wedding to 'make it all better'.  Going to counseling with FI has made it clear exactly how good we are for each other, how well we suit each other, and has made both of us more sure that this IS exactly what we want.

bluegrassbride11

I think it's normal to be a little anxious too. I'm 20, FI is 19. Think it's crazy, but we have never dated anyone before each other. We both waited for the right one to come along.
So, in October, we will be happily married. He is a musician, we will be travelling the country in a camper. A camper! Yes, my new home
If that wouldn't make a girl nervous. I don't know what will!
I have learned to trust him and trust my decision in wanting to spend the rest of my life with him. Sure, I could worry about where is our money going to come from, where are we going to live, how will we raise kids like this, and so on and so on.
All I know is, I'm getting married!..to the man of my dreams