His new job = I never see him -advice please!

M&R7111

I need a bit of advice:

FI was laid off 2 years ago and has been jumping from part-time job to part-time job. We were screwed when it comes to money and keeping the house.   He just landed a seasonal federal job working in Phili as a park ranger - which has HUGE potential to become a full-time federal position!!  This is awesome for him and us, financially. 

Here is the down-side:  He works 5 days on, two off - and the two off days are Wednesdays and Thursday.  I have a traditional Mon - Fri job schedule.  We both have over an hour commute to work, so we both leave at 6 am and get home around 7 pm, which means we have 2 to 3 hours to eat, do stuff around the house, then hit the hay around 9 or 10 so we can get up again in the morning.  Plus, I'm a teacher so I spend much of my home time grading and planning.

While I know this is what we have to deal with right now, I wonder when we will ever going to have time to spend with each other??  We use to go bike riding or do other things all day together on the weekends when we both had off.  We both just got Great Adventure season passes, and now there isn't a day we can both go.  I can't even look forward to holidays b/c he works them too.  Our relationship is already strained right now and I'm worried that this may drive us apart.  Anyone else have a spouse or FI with a crazy work schedule?  What do you do to keep the relationship going?  I know we can plan "date nights" every now and then, but I really am going to miss sleeping in late with him in the mornings and having him with me for family events on the weekends. 

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_his-new-job-never-see-him-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:6363b402-52fe-4dc4-95c9-b80e3e567ff2Post:4a41e05a-426c-471c-bed4-721e2327e887">His new job = I never see him -advice please!</a>:
[QUOTE]I need a bit of advice: FI was laid off 2 years ago and has been jumping from part-time job to part-time job. We were screwed when it comes to money and keeping the house.   He just landed a seasonal federal job working in Phili as a park ranger - which has HUGE potential to become a full-time federal position!!  This is awesome for him and us, financially.  Here is the down-side:  He works 5 days on, two off - and the two off days are Wednesdays and Thursday.  I have a traditional Mon - Fri job schedule.  We both have over an hour commute to work, so we both leave at 6 am and get home around 7 pm, which means we have 2 to 3 hours to eat, do stuff around the house, then hit the hay around 9 or 10 so we can get up again in the morning.  Plus, I'm a teacher so I spend much of my home time grading and planning. When are we ever going to have time to spend with each other??  We use to go bike riding or do other things all day together on the weekends when we both had off.  We both just got Great Adventure season passes, and now there isn't a day we can both go.  I can't even look forward to holidays b/c he works them too.  Our relationship is already strained right now and I'm worried that this may drive us apart.  Anyone else have a spouse or FI with a crazy work schedule?  What do you do?  I know we can plan "date nights" every now and then, but I really am going to miss sleeping in late with him in the mornings and having him with me for family events on the weekends. 
Posted by M&R7111[/QUOTE]

It sucks, but that's life.  You need money, and he has to work.  These are the sacrifices you sometimes have to make.  For example, when Taryn was born, DH took a night job to make extra money.  He would stay home during the day with the baby while I was at work.  I would get home at 5, and he was out the door by 6 to work until 2 or 3am.  He'd come to bed, and I was up by 6 am.  It sucked, but it was what needed to be done at the time.  You make due.

That being said, try to focus on the time that you DO have together.  Get up together and eat breakfast with each other before work.  Make Wed or Thurs take - out night, so that you're not stuck cooking and cleaning dinner dishes.  Make plans with friends or family on FRI or SAT nights, when you can stay out a little later.     

JeFlanigan

Trust me, I know its hard.  And it doesn't sound like you have kids, which would make it even harder.  I work 8 -3 and fi works 3 -10.  His only day off is Tues, but I do have days off a week.  We don't live together yet, but we do have kids.  He handles the childcare in the morning and I do in the afternoon.  If we're lucky we see each other 10 hours a week, and we don't even get to sleep next to each other.
For us, there's lots of phone calls and text messages, we enjoy what time we have and we know that the jobs are what we need to have a family and life together.   

meganyani

My mister works 8-5 and then three days a week, trains BJJ and doesnt get home til 9pm. I close at my store two nights a week, one of which is a night he has off (I get home at 9.30pm). We basically have Thursday night together and sometimes Saturday, depending if his kid is here that weekend.

Yeah it sucks but we make time for each other. We take our nights to go out to eat, get ice cream, do something. Until I get a real job, that's how it has to be.

You say your relationship is already strained so I can't really advise on that. You do need to set aside special time for each other. Hope that helped! and good luck.

aerinpegadrak

Our schedules don't really mesh either.  He goes in to work anywhere from 2am to 7am, he works 10-12 hours a day (or more!), and his days off vary week to week.  I have a regular M-F job.  To get our schedules more in sync, I shifted to an 8-4 work day instead of 9-5, and wake up a couple of hours earlier than I need to so I can say goodbye to him in the morning and we can go to bed roughly together each night. 

It kind of sucks, but we make the best of it, and spending time apart gives us something to talk about when we're together.  It puts a strain on our social life, but not on our relationship.

M&R7111

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_his-new-job-never-see-him-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:6363b402-52fe-4dc4-95c9-b80e3e567ff2Post:7002be30-f83c-4020-b7d0-242cdbdebc46">Re: His new job = I never see him -advice please!</a>:
[QUOTE]Our schedules don't really mesh either.  He goes in to work anywhere from 2am to 7am, he works 10-12 hours a day (or more!), and his days off vary week to week.  I have a regular M-F job.  To get our schedules more in sync, I shifted to an 8-4 work day instead of 9-5, and wake up a couple of hours earlier than I need to so I can say goodbye to him in the morning and we can go to bed roughly together each night.  It kind of sucks, but we make the best of it, and spending time apart gives us something to talk about when we're together. <strong> It puts a strain on our social life, but not on our relationship.</strong>
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

Oh, yeah, our social life is going to be nill since he works every weekend.  Then, again, our social life was nill when he was unemployed since we couldn't afford to go out!! 

Thanks for the advice everyone, I'm just sitting here on my first weekend alone freaking out.  I'm guessing in a few weeks or a month we'll have a routine and stuff will work out. 

kelly&wayne

My FI and I are in the same situation.  He's been unemployed for a while and is now starting to work again.  He works shift work so has 2 days off a week, which is rarely the same 2 days.  Also, those 2 days he's off during the week, we have his kids with us.  Then he also works every other weekend.  The weekends he doesn't work we also have his kids with us, which is great.  However, when his kids are with us he devotes every minute of his time to them...as well he should, but I've told him he needs to start putting some time aside on those weekends for me as well.  I would never take time away that he has to spend with his kids, but he needs to realize that he needs to make spending time with me a priority as well.  We had an honest conversation about his schedule, in which we decided it was most important that he started working again, but he knows my fears and hesitations about us not seeing each other or spending time together.  He has promised he will make time for me as well and we just have to make the best of it. 

I know how hard it is, but I will make sure I'm filling my time on the weekends he's working so I'm not just sitting around wishing he was with me.  Find things that are yours to do so that the weekends aren't so long and difficult.  It's worth it!

tesskerr

you still get 7 nights a week together right? And it's already causing strain in your relationship?

It's not forever, I'm sure once he has been there awhile different shifts will become available.

My FI and I are considering living in different countries for 12 months for work... I'm sure you can handle it.

kelly&wayne

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_his-new-job-never-see-him-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:6363b402-52fe-4dc4-95c9-b80e3e567ff2Post:5db74262-b7d5-451e-ae78-e01a8c7ba316">Re: His new job = I never see him -advice please!</a>:
[QUOTE]you still get 7 nights a week together right? And it's already causing strain in your relationship? It's not forever, I'm sure once he has been there awhile different shifts will become available. My FI and I are considering living in different countries for 12 months for work... I'm sure you can handle it.
Posted by tesskerr[/QUOTE]

Tesskerr - I'm sorry you and your FI are going to have to live apart for a long term period, but it doesn't seem your advice helped the OP in the slightest.  Just because someone is not in the same position as you may be doesn't mean their situation is any less trying for them.  Have some sympathy and advice for those looking for help dealing with a new situation, not slight them because you don't see their situation as one that is worthwhile or not as bad as what you may be going through.

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_his-new-job-never-see-him-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:6363b402-52fe-4dc4-95c9-b80e3e567ff2Post:5db74262-b7d5-451e-ae78-e01a8c7ba316">Re: His new job = I never see him -advice please!</a>:
[QUOTE]you still get 7 nights a week together right? And it's already causing strain in your relationship? It's not forever, I'm sure once he has been there awhile different shifts will become available. My FI and I are considering living in different countries for 12 months for work... I'm sure you can handle it.
Posted by tesskerr[/QUOTE]

I bet he's going to love it, since you are such a big bitch. <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_im-such-bitch" target="_blank">Your words,</a> not mine.

megk8oz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_his-new-job-never-see-him-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:6363b402-52fe-4dc4-95c9-b80e3e567ff2Post:856f6d33-d8ea-4c04-84be-5d2dbc586afa">Re: His new job = I never see him -advice please!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: His new job = I never see him -advice please! : I bet he's going to love it, since you are such a big bitch. Your words, not mine.
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

Well, she's already admitted that now that her sister has bigger boobs than her, she doesn't have much going for her.

M&R7111

OUCH - thanks Kelly and Sarah!  I did think after I posted this "I hope I'm not coming across as a winy baby here". 

I know many people have this situation - and thanks to all you "veterans" who can give me some words to calm my fears about this new dilemma, and who understand that is just what i needed!

FI is home and I've made dinner - off the computer to spend some quality time while I can! 

megk8oz

OP, try cherish the time that you do have together for the time being and hope that the crappy hours are just a temporary thing. Unfortunately, this is just one of those things you have to work through. You both need to work, it's a necessary evil.

I have a 9-5 M-F gig, DH works nights and weekends, has an hour commute and usually is off in the middle of the week. It sucks, but we do what we can to make it work. There's nights where he doesn't get home until 9pm, which pretty much gives us time to eat a quick dinner and a little time for watching tv.

But on his days off, or when he gets off early, we do what we can to maximize the time. We take turns doing chores on the days when the other one has work so when the working one gets home, we can just focus on doing something fun. We try to do a pizza/movie night once a week.

We also try to plan our nights in advanced, that way if we do get some free time, we don't waste it saying "What do you want to do?", "I dunno, what do you want to do?". Is there a way that you can do late night bike rides? How close do you live to Six Flags? Since you have season passes, you could always go for a few hours at night if it's not a huge haul for you.

APW2010

This sucks, I really feel for you. FI works at night 3 weeks on, 3 weeks off, so it isn't quite so bad for us - for 3 weeks at a time we are on the same schedule, although weekends are totally inconsistent. But we know its necesary now and not forever, so we just have to get through it. I do as much chores/errands as possible when he's working so we have free time to spend together. I have much stronger relationships now with friends and with his family since I spend more time with them on my own when he's not available. And we do little things, lots of phone calls and texts and emails, little notes left for each other, saving things to share with each other - anything to show we are thinking of each other when we are apart and that seems to help a lot.

tldh

Take advantage of any time you have together.  FI is a consultant and he commuted to NYC from Cleveland five days a week for the first year we were dating.  We had a Saturday morning routine that included going to West Side Market to get what we needed to make dinner that night and breakfast the next morning.  We lived downtown so we could meet friends out for a little while or go for a nightcap.  There was no going out with the guys or going out with the girls during the hours he was back in town.

One big warning from experience: Be sure that you talk about things that are bothering you.  We didn't do this and it lead to a break up at one point.  You have to keep treating your relationship as a partnership - don't let it slip into fun dating.  Our breakup was for the stupidest little excuse.  The reason, however, is because we didn't keep the lines of communication open and honest. 

M&R7111

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_his-new-job-never-see-him-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:6363b402-52fe-4dc4-95c9-b80e3e567ff2Post:4b356dfb-cb15-477b-a149-3ee541ed1be0">Re: His new job = I never see him -advice please!</a>:
[QUOTE]Take advantage of any time you have together.  FI is a consultant and he commuted to NYC from Cleveland five days a week for the first year we were dating.  We had a Saturday morning routine that included going to West Side Market to get what we needed to make dinner that night and breakfast the next morning.  We lived downtown so we could meet friends out for a little while or go for a nightcap.  There was no going out with the guys or going out with the girls during the hours he was back in town. <strong>One big warning from experience: Be sure that you talk about things that are bothering you.  We didn't do this and it lead to a break up at one point.  You have to keep treating your relationship as a partnership - don't let it slip into fun dating.  Our breakup was for the stupidest little excuse.  The reason, however, is because we didn't keep the lines of communication open and honest. </strong>
Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]

Yep - I def. will take this advice!!!  We were/are already having issues because of this - a lot had to do with the fact he has been depressed from being unemployed  - which made him distant - which made me mad, so I was distant - and we never talked about it.  Feelings built up until they exploded.   I almost left!!

So that is why this new "stressor" on the relationship has me worried.  I told him I was worried last night, and we talked about what we could do to not let the schedule affect us as much.

Thanks for the advice everyone!

OH - and Meg - we live within 20 min of Great Adventure - he had a part-time security gig there for a bit.  We plan to go in the evenings and ride a few coasters <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />

jenn.daniel

FI has a crazy schedule as a 4th yr med student.  Theoretically, he's not supposed to have to work more than 80 hrs a week, but with 30 hour call every 4 nights, it can end up being more.  Then when he's home, he naps to make up for not getting any sleep at the hospital.  It's hard, and I'm not even working right now.  (I teach, no summer classes.)  We definitely try to plan in advance.  Also, lunchtime phone calls are really nice, if your schedules allow.

During the school year, I plan and grade when FI is at the hospital.  I've found that with some planning early on, it's pretty easy to get schoolwork done when FI isn't around.  Since your FI works on Sat and Sun, I'd plan on having most exams and assignments due on Fri so you can grade when he's working.

miah_23_ncb

I personally will not have to deal w/ this but some close frinds of mine are going through this. She spent a lot of time w/ her frinds and they definitley had to adjust to time apart and scheduling and making the most of their time together.