To invite or not to invite

Stefanie2106

We were going to have 2 attendants on each side. Before one groomsmen got officially asked to be in the wedding he started dating the other groomsmen's ex g/f so my fiance decided not to have him in the wedding anymore. And everything is fine with all of that.
Now, the un-asked groomsman is saying he's going to be there no matter what and I never though he was serious until last night. My fiance and I were going over wedding stuff last night and I asked what we should drive to the destination...either 2 cars (girls and guys) or get an SUV to fit the 4 of us in. And he said well if John goes, us guys will all ride together. So I honestly think John is going to the wedding without and invitation. 
I  don't really have a problem with him going, but it's the fact that someone is inviting themselves to wedding, let alone a destination wedding- at least that's my opinion. Any thoughts on this?

NillaWafer10

Technically he was invited to the wedding.  He probably made all of his travel arrangements while he was still going to be a groomsmen.  As long as he doesn't bring the ex, it shouldn't be an issue.  It doesn't sound like your FI has a problem with him coming.  Am I wrong?

sarah42nd

Well you didnt ask him to offically be in the wedding right? So it kind of sounds like he invited himself .

aerinpegadrak

What do you mean by, "officially asked"?  Was it implied that he'd be a groomsman?  I never "officially asked" my sisters to be bridesmaids, but they were.  If he was led to believe that he was a groomsman and your FI never did anything to correct that assumption, he's a groomsman.

NillaWafer10

I missed that.  So then yes he did invite himself haha!

gottahavashorti

How do you un-ask someone who hasn't been asked in the first place?

Because my response depends on that.

[Deleted User]

If he wasn't officially asked, which is sounds like he wasn't (OP: thread was a little confusing - had to re-read a few times), maybe just assumed, and he did not receive an invite, then he is not invited. It sounds like he may be hurt that he is not a GM and/or regrets his decision to date the ex and has decided to come anyway. One extra person probably isn't going to matter, even for a destination wedding. I am assuming you are not paying for everyone's hotel stays, etc. unless that is what you are really concerned with.

Stefanie2106

He was not "offically" asked and there probably was some assumption going on that he would be a groomsmen. However, a few months afer he started dating the other guys's g/f, my fiance had a conversation with him explaining why he wasn't in the wedding anymore and everyone was okay with it.

@gottahaveashorti...I don't know what you mean by "un-ask" someone?

I'm just trying to figure out what to do. If he does go to the wedding, it's as a guest, not a groomsmen which he doesn't have an invitation for.

gottahavashorti

You said he was un-asked.  If he was led to believe that he was a GM (discussion about being in the wedding, tux rentals, not clarifying if he assumed he was in the wedding, etc.) then told that he was not in the wedding, then he is owed an apology.  If he was sent a Save the Date then he should get an invitation.

But if you and your FI never implied that he would be in the wedding and he wasn't sent an STD or ever verbally invited to the wedding, just tell him that you wish you could have invited him, but the wedding mostly family and only a few friends.

vegasgroom

Maybe your FI didn't make it clear that he was being uninvited from the wedding the guy had previously been lead to beleive he was to be a groomsman at, so he went on the assumption that just means he's now a wedding guest instead of a groomsman.

 If your FI is talking like the guy is going then that's what my assumption would be because there aren't too many people who would still want to go to a wedding after being told by the groom that they're no longer welcome there.

Stefanie2106

He was never sent a STD or an invitation. Suit rental and other major topics have only been discussed with the official groomsman, never with the un-invited guy. Fiance did talk to him about why he was not going to be a groomsman which I would assume to be part of an apology. Maybe he is hurt by not being in the wedding, but if he wouldn't have started dating the other guys ex then things owuld be different. There has been a lot of tension (outside of the wedding world..with the guys being friends, losing that friendship, etc) because of that guy dating the ex g/f

sarah42nd

Well I think your Fi needs to stand up and tell the guy that he is not invited to the wedding. I don't think its your place to have to do anything. Its your FI . HE needs to man up and stop leading  the guy on. All he has to tell the guy is that he heard from friends thathe was coming to the wedding or something along those lines and say something about the previous conversation they had about the wedding.

jlmeier5

i would say let him know that it's a small event and that it is a limited amount of space so he cannot come to the wedding.....then my worries would be over cuz then you dont have to worry about a fist fight or anything! cuz some of us girls are evil!!!!!!!!!

sky7563

From what I'm gathering...he was a groomsman (although there was not a formal invite because he was lead to believe so).  Then your FI discussed with him that he would no longer be a groomsman.  I agree with the previous post.  He probably understood that he would no longer be a groomsman.  He did not understand that he was no longer wanted at the wedding all together. 

I would personally check with the other groomsman this situation involves.  Ask him if it is going to be a problem for the other gentleman to attend the wedding.  If he, the ex-groomsman, and your FI agree that it is okay than I think it is all fine.  It sounds like your FI is already okay with it. 

I do not know the entire situation but at first glance, I do not think the situation between the two groomsman should impact their relationship with your FI.  If he wanted them both as his groomsman I am assuming he is close with both.  By not inviting the one to the wedding at all it could have an impact on his relationship with your FI.  I think it's up to your FI but it's important to make sure the peace is kept.

vegasgroom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_invite-not-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:669050a5-08ed-4215-9ce1-fd369c97871ePost:173ee6f6-b873-4c5c-9f0c-b70afc556026">Re: To invite or not to invite</a>:
[QUOTE]He was never sent a STD or an invitation. Suit rental and other major topics have only been discussed with the official groomsman, never with the un-invited guy. Fiance did talk to him about why he was not going to be a groomsman which I would assume to be part of an apology. Maybe he is hurt by not being in the wedding, but if he wouldn't have started dating the other guys ex then things owuld be different. There has been a lot of tension (outside of the wedding world..with the guys being friends, losing that friendship, etc) because of that guy dating the ex g/f
Posted by Stefanie2106[/QUOTE]

I wonder if he took the talk about not being a groomsman to mean you can still come to the wedding though.  If he didn't explicitly say you are not being invited to our wedding and instead just said hey buddy, I can't have you as one of my groomsmen because of XYZ, then he may have misunderstood that as meaning ok, I'm not a groomsmen but I can still attend.

loritajean

I think if you never told him he WASNT invited, he would be right in assuming he was invited since he was considered as a groomsman before.

So long as there won't be any arguments between the 2 guys (old bf and new bf), there's no reason he shouldn't go.

M1ssJ

if he was a good enough friend to be in the wedding he probably "wouldn't miss it for the world" I understand your offense but I dont think it's right to to leave him out. In the grand scheme John should be there if he's a good friend

M&R7111

I don't know about this.  If I was in this situation, I could see how the groom wouldn't want me in the wedding party b/c I'm dating his ex. 

But in my mind, if you're close enough with the groom to be a potential GM, then why not be invited to the wedding?  I would feel there was bad blood between the groom and this guy if he is cut out from even attending because he was dating the ex.  I would assume they aren't friends anymore.

vegasgroom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_invite-not-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:669050a5-08ed-4215-9ce1-fd369c97871ePost:2e5ada16-e172-4c18-8d55-e6e10d624a4b">Re: To invite or not to invite</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't know about this.  If I was in this situation, I could see how the groom wouldn't want me in the wedding party b/c I'm dating his ex.  But in my mind, if you're close enough with the groom to be a potential GM, then why not be invited to the wedding?  I would feel there was bad blood between the groom and this guy if he is cut out from even attending because he was dating the ex.  I would assume they aren't friends anymore.
Posted by M&R7111[/QUOTE]

The potential GM is dating another GM's ex, not the groom's ex. :)