Debating Eloping...

Megussuk

Our wedding is to be July 2010.  The Deposit is paid on the reception location.  I am SO excited to be married, but this trip along the way is driving me nuts! 

We are on a very strict budget, trying to use only what our families have donated and what we will be getting from our First-Time Home-Buyer Stimulus.  (Total of about $10,000)

While visiting family over the Xmas break, my MIL informed me that she failed to include 20-25 people on her initial guest list. (Her initial guest list that said, "Invite whoever you want".  She gave us no names or addresses, initially.)  Due to this new addition of people, I have had to cut out the majority of my friends from the guest list (all that remains are my Bridemaids).  My mother refuses to cut anyone and most other people are indispensable.  She also took this time to tell me that she was very unimpressed with the site that I had chosen for the wedding.  And suggested a far less superior location that I did visit and did not like.

My mother is the worst in this whole situation.  I have had 3 people drop out of the wedding due to pregnancy.  I am very happy for them and this would not be a problem in the least, except that one of them was a very dear friend of mine who is a minister and was going to perform the ceremony.  After her dropping out of the wedding, I mentioned hiring a justice of the peace, since neither my fiance nor I are very religious.  My mother firmly told me , "NO!" and then proceeded to cry because I did not want to be married "under God."  *sigh*

I am trying to help out friends businesses through this and have hired a friend to make my wedding cake.  And as for flowers, I have an acquaintence who is a florist.  I got a quote from her for an enormous amount of flowers, which I deemed to be fair.  My mother, however, did not spend that much on my sister's wedding (7 years ago), so she wants more quotes. 

I am going inexpensive with food with either a Taco Truck or Mexican Buffet.  This idea is not meshing well with my well-off in-laws and my mother wants me to spend double per person on food, which I cannot afford.  The Mexican food is something that we decided upon because we love it. 

I have spoken with my mother about my issues, but she takes it personally.  So, I have stopped bringing it up and am trying to cope.

Somehow, I got the idea that my wedding was supposed to be about my fiance's and my ideas and passions.  But, I am starting to feel like I am bending over backwards for other people's wants.

I have very different tastes than anyone else that wants to be in on the planning of this wedding. 

I am going crazy and am about to drop it all. 

I am thinking about getting married sooner rather than later in order to completely avoid the officiant issue.  And will just have a reception in July.  Hopefully, with just being married now, I won't be so controlling of the reception and can allow my mother to so what she pleases.

I really need help.  Words of Wisdom.  Anything.

aerinpegadrak

I wouldn't really recommend eloping now and still having a big reception later: a lot of people would look at it as a straight gift grab, and from what you've described of your families, they would either be just as controlling, or would withdraw their financial support entirely.

I would turn down their money and plan the wedding you can afford without their input.  If they're not paying, they don't get a say over the guest list, the decor, or anything like that.  You can try to negotiate a less expensive package from your venue, or delay the wedding until you can afford it.  If you want to call off the big wedding and just elope, then great!  Sounds like it would save you a lot of hassle.

jeannigirl

Wow sorry to hear all that family drama that you have been dealing with understandly not making it something that should be fun and exciting.

Now here's my advice. You can forgo any financial part from  both sets of parents and pay for the wedding that you and FI want yourselves.
 
Both of you has a couple are begining a new phase of your lifes and you both have to be an adult and live your lifes has they are your own. You need to figure out how you want your wedding to be and stick to it and both of you call both your parents and have a sit down with them all telling them how your wedding is going to be they don't need to agree but just be in support of what your want your day to be like.

If you want or need their help financially you will have to be open to listen to their ideas and requests and all work out something that is going to work for all parties involved.
 
Yes this is your wedding and you need to be the ones to control where and what happens for that day. GL

duckie1905

Ditto.  Decline any money either set of parents has given you and pay for the wedding you want.  By giving them their money back you take back control.  With you in control of the budget you get to decide things like food, vendors, guestlist, etc.

MyNameIsNot

I agree, you should give back their money and take the wedding back.  A Mexican buffet sounds great to me.  And then you can tell FMIL that you just don't have room for all her guests. 

Like Aerin said, if you decide to chuck it and elope, actually do that.  Go ahead and get married now, on your terms.  For what you have left of your budget, you could probably take an amazing trip and elope on it.  But if you do, actually cancel the reception.  Holding it anyway is just going to come off like a gift grab, which we know is not what you want.  Many people choose to go off and get married with just the two of them, and are super happy with the deciision. 

aerinpegadrak

For the record, we took eloping under very serious consideration, especially when my stepdad basically tried to bribe us to do so.  We considered it again when our initial plans fell through.  We ended up deciding to go with a very scaled down destination wedding, but had we had even a fraction of the family drama you're describing, we would have been off to the courthouse in a nanosecond.

There comes a point when it's just not worth it, when there's no way the day can be nice enough to make up for all the shiit you had to go through to get there.  It's up to you to decide when that point is.

Megussuk

Thanks for all the ideas. 

I am still unsure of what I will do, but eloping is not in the cards.  After thinking about it.  I really do want a nice wedding with all the people that I love. 

I hope it will all work out in the end.

Thanks again!