Venting and Crying!

rodeo417

Sorry if this is a long post but I need to get it out..
   My dad is a recovering alcholic and has been sober for almost a year. Due to his drinking, he has some serious health issues and then some. My borther calls me last night to tell me that he has started to hit the bottle again. I let him know that I'll be over in the morning to check up on him and to keep him away from mom. (Before he sobered up, he pulled a knife out on my mom and she moved out. Since he was clean they were working on trying to save their marriage)
  I get to the house today and spend most of the day there with my two brothers and MOH (she lives on the block and my dad sees her as his other daughter.) I go in the house and find out that he was in bed because his back was bothering him. I sit down to talk to him in a casual way without bringing up his drinking again..
  By the way he was talking, I already knew he had down half a gallon of vodka.. So i ask him how was his back and did he want something to eat? He tells me know but then goes into this long conversation about how he doesn't have much time left on the planet and he wanted me to take over as the head of the family. (when he said this i was thinking "are we part of the mob?")..  So then he goes one about how his friends have left him for another place... I tell him well you are going to be here for my wedding, right?  His reply was he doesn't think so..but I am always his babygirl and he knows that I'll take care of my mom... He's only 62!!! Why this why now??? I feel soo hurt, lost and confused..
  What father/daddy wouldn't want to walk their little girl down the isle?
So my mom calls me on her way back from work and I tell her what he said. She lets me know that the doctor has told her that if he is hospitalized one more time for his drinking effecting his pancreas that he will only come out of the hospital in a body bag!! I know I can't make him stop drinking but I just want my dad to be there for me on my special day.. My birthmom died in my arms when i was 6 so my stepmom is the only mom I know.. I don't want to feel like an orphan even though I have my mom... FI is trying to cheer me up but it's not working.... I hate seeing my dad like this... (and yet my mom doesn't understand why I want a dry wedding?)

SarahPLiz

That is such a hard thing to deal with, Rodeo, and I am sorry you are having to do it. Stress like that can definitley make you exhausted.
There amy be support groups in your area like AlAnon, for family members of alcoholics, as well as some greif support groups you may want to look in on. I think that right now, you just need to tell your dad how much he and his sobriety mean to you, and that you take it personally that he has decided to continue to drink and to commit slow suicide before he has the chance to walk you down the aisle. This is definitely a choice he is making (just like the choice he made to be sober for a while), and he should be called on it. Don't be afraid to express your feelings to him.

rodeo417

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_venting-crying?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:67540be2-a9ee-43ee-966c-643aabea8059Post:c50d352b-41bf-4b32-b3be-65ffb908dbec">Re: Venting and Crying!</a>:
[QUOTE]I def think that you need to find a support group has a pp said. You do need to have the support from others who are going through this or have gone through it. How about trying intervention, would their be other family members that would be a part of this with you. I am sure that these suppport groups have someone they can put you in touch with who works in intervention. I hope that you can reach your father before its to late. Honestly he's got to want the help for himself it won't work if he is trying to do it for other people. I do pray for you that he will see how much you love him and how much you want him around not just for the wedding but in your life.
Posted by jeannigirl[/QUOTE]

We have done an intervention with him so many times that we have stopped counting.... i have been to a support group also.. Thanks for all of the support here.. I just came to the ideal that I should just havemy little brother on notice to walk me down the isle if he is not capable of doing it..I talked to my FI and he told me that there is nothing we can do. The ball is in his court and I need to live my life and learn from his mistakes. I just have this feeling that he relapsed because of our wedding and/or my older brother moving back home again....My MoH is trying to keep me from losing it because she sees him as her dad also..

Kristin789

You have two brothers, one of which just moved back home.
You have a MOH who is down the block from your parents.

That's plenty of people to help/watch over.

Your FI is right.  At this point in your life, you need to trust that those other people will take care of issues so that you can work with FI to build a strong foundation for your marriage.  Don't keep running over there, venting, crying, whatever.  It's not appropriate for children to have to "parent" their parents - but in the emergency state of your parents, there are THREE adult children already functioning as parental police for your parents.  Keep in touch with them, but move on with your life and your FI.

robandkara52910

Rodeo-  I am so very sorry to hear about your father. I have plenty of my own family dramas so I totally understand.  The thing that I have recently come to realize is that you can't change someone, as much as it hurts. You can only change yourself. Regardless of the person that is causing the stress in your life, you have to decide what battle to fight. Be mad at your father for what he is doing to HIMSELF or cherish what time you may have left with him- its a choice that you have to make.  

kthame

Rodeo - my heart goes out to you in this situation. I know exactly what you're going through. Given the situation, (as robandkara said) I think you need to choose this battle carefully. Take this time with your father and cherish every single second, even if it means being around him when he's intoxicated. Have you considered Al-Anon meetings?

It's good that you have your MOHs support. I think alcoholism is a very tough thing for people to understand if they haven't been affected by someone with the disease.

I wish you only the best in this situation! Good luck to you.