i dunno what to do :( Long story

fleab2oo3

I am getting married in 4 1/2 months. I picked my bridesmaids about a month an a half ago, except for one, who i picked a couple months before that. We were friends all through high school and college. When i had my son matthew 4 1/2 years ago, she started kinda distancing herself more. Probably just because we were at different places, i was a mom and she was still in school. Different prioreties. I got engaged to matthews father and asked her to be a bridesmaid (this was in 2008) well the wedding never happened because i found out he was cheating and i left.  Shortly after i started dating a guy i was friends with in high school, and he was so great. we have a 2 year old son vincent and been together almost 4 years now. Anyway. when my friend got married she asked me to be in her wedding even tho we were not as close as we once were, because after i had my second son she distanced herself even more. She never calls, texts or emails. I always have be the first to try to initiate a conversation and every time its real forced and she is short with me. I dont know why. She wont tell me. its always .. "sorry im just to busy"  Anway, im feeling bad and guilty because i picked her to be in my bridal party for the wrong reasons, because she was supposed to be in my first wedding, and i was in hers so i thought i needed to ask her to be in mine even tho we were not very close anymore. I'm regretting my decision for asking her because any time i text or call with anything wedding related she is like 'i'll talk to you later, im to busy right now" and she rarely gets back to me. I have not asked her to help with anything because i dont expect anyone to. i have not asked my bridal party for help with anything because i just want my close friends with me at the wedding, they are not my slaves! lol. anyway, what i do try to talk to myfriend about is the dresses, because that is one thing she does need. my other 4 girls have decided on a dress and some are going shopping with me and my OOT girls are shopping at the closest davids bridal to them.. This one friend however wont even get back to me with her opinion on the dress everyone else chose. I gave them a list of 5 dresses to choose from and they all chose.... she wont even return my text.. im getting so frustrated.. i know i cant Uninvite her to be a maid,, and i dont plan to.  but i dont want her to just Not show up to the wedding too 

fleab2oo3

Also. i have not seen her since her wedding which was 2  1/2 years ago. We live a few hours apart so its hard to get together. i was in her town one day and she was off work so i said. "hey would you like to have lunch so we can catch up!" and she tells me "i cant i want to spend time with my husband. i have not seen him much this week" i told her he coudl come because he was my friend too and she declined. could not spare an hour with me when we have not seen each other in so long. Im frankly tired of hearing. "im too busy" i know all about being busyand still make time for people. SHe is married, and works full time, but thats it. No extra cirriculars, no kids.  I on the other hand am a mother of a 2 year old and 4 year old, i work full time, i have to use my lunch breaks to pick my child up from pre school so i barely have time to eat. i take my kids to the gym with me afer work, and go home and do all the housework ect while my FI is outta town working all week.... so i really hate hearing.. "im too busy" i know all about being busy.. im just so frustrated i could cry. i dont even feel like i want her in the wedding.. but im not going to tell her she is not in it anymore

kaos16

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-dunno-what-to-do-long-story?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:6e1baa85-5d43-46bf-a6e8-7540e8610c37Post:a99ed075-ec63-4ddf-8de8-8ca76d242c08">i dunno what to do :( Long story</a>:
[QUOTE]I am getting married in 4 1/2 months. I picked my bridesmaids about a month an a half ago, except for one, who i picked a couple months before that. We were friends all through high school and college. When i had my son matthew 4 1/2 years ago, she started kinda distancing herself more. Probably just because we were at different places, i was a mom and she was still in school. Different prioreties. I got engaged to matthews father and asked her to be a bridesmaid (this was in 2008) well the wedding never happened because i found out he was cheating and i left.  Shortly after i started dating a guy i was friends with in high school, and he was so great. we have a 2 year old son vincent and been together almost 4 years now. Anyway. when my friend got married she asked me to be in her wedding even tho we were not as close as we once were, because after i had my second son she distanced herself even more. She never calls, texts or emails. I always have be the first to try to initiate a conversation and every time its real forced and she is short with me. I dont know why. She wont tell me. its always .. "sorry im just to busy"  Anway, im feeling bad and guilty because i picked her to be in my bridal party for the wrong reasons, because she was supposed to be in my first wedding, and i was in hers so i thought i needed to ask her to be in mine even tho we were not very close anymore. I'm regretting my decision for asking her because any time i text or call with anything wedding related she is like 'i'll talk to you later, im to busy right now" and she rarely gets back to me. I have not asked her to help with anything because i dont expect anyone to. i have not asked my bridal party for help with anything because i just want my close friends with me at the wedding, they are not my slaves! lol. anyway, what i do try to talk to myfriend about is the dresses, because that is one thing she does need. my other 4 girls have decided on a dress and some are going shopping with me and my OOT girls are shopping at the closest davids bridal to them.. This one friend however wont even get back to me with her opinion on the dress everyone else chose. I gave them a list of 5 dresses to choose from and they all chose.... she wont even return my text.. im getting so frustrated.. i know i cant Uninvite her to be a maid,, and i dont plan to.  but i dont want her to just Not show up to the wedding too 
Posted by fleab2oo3[/QUOTE]

Well, if she just doesn't show up at the wedding there isn't really anything you can do about it. As such, try not to stress over that possibility. . . it won't help anything.

With the dress situation, did she give you her budget?  If so, i would email her and say what the rest of the girls have chosen.  Let her know when and where it needs to be ordered from, and leave the ball in her court. 

I also suggest maybe asking her to hang out (if she lives close). . . .grab a cup of coffee or a cocktail. Ask her about her life and what she is doing. Don't talk about wedding and kid stuff at all. Sometimes when a friend pulls away when you experience big life changes like kids and marriage it can come from a place of jealousy, or feeling like they are left behind. If you make an effort to show how much you care about her and what is going on in her life, it might help you make some headway.

It's a bummer that things are going this way for you right now, but really there is nothing you can do about it, short of kicking her out and completely ruining the friendship.  Focus on the more important aspects of your wedding, and the things you can actually control!!!!

LnL60810

Well, the thing you need to remember is that it is your wedding. I'm kind of having the same problem but I do believe that I am going to nip it here pretty soon. You as the bride do not need anymore added stress than you already have. It doesn't matter if you are the most organized person and you have all of your little duckies in a row. You're still going to be stressed. If she doesn't want to pick a dress then her only choice is jeans and I don't think you want that. Give her an ultimatum pick a dress or you're not a bridesmaid. Then the balls in her court. I'm going to give one of my bridesmaids the same thing.

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to Re:i dunno what to do : Long story:[QUOTE]Well, the thing you need to remember is that it is your wedding. I'm kind of having the same problem but I do believe that I am going to nip it here pretty soon. You as the bride do not need anymore added stress than you already have. It doesn't matter if you are the most organized person and you have all of your little duckies in a row. You're still going to be stressed. If she doesn't want to pick a dress then her only choice is jeans and I don't think you want that. Give her an ultimatum pick a dress or you're not a bridesmaid. Then the balls in her court. I'm going to give one of my bridesmaids the same thing. Posted by LnL60810[/QUOTE]

Aren't you a charming friend. I can't imagine why your FMIL doesn't like you.

fleab2oo3

THanks girls.. the getting together thing is not an option since we live 3 1/2 hours away and when i did go to her town she told me she could not meet cause she wanted to see her hubby... who she lives with , and she had not seen me in 2 1/2  years.. that was frustrating..anyway. she has given me her budget for 150, i found dresses for 120, and even offered to pitch in 20 to make it 100 for everyone.  But she still never gets back to me about the dresses.  I had talked to a mutual friend and asked his advice and he said "I dont  think she is interested in being in the wedding from what she said. She was hanging with him one day i guess and was ignoring my texts cause she didnt care" im not reading TOO much into that cause i know the truth can get stretched sometimes.  but it did still hurt a little. i asked her if she  was feeling stressed or frustrated about being in the wedding or if she felt obligated to say yes when i asked her just because she was in mine.  i told her if it was causing extra stress on her to please just let me know . and she was like "no  no i can afford it and its not stressing im just too busy to answer your texts all the time"  ???? i text her maybe twice a month if that to ask about the dress again since she never replied previous times... and finally she said.. "yes i got your messages i just forgot  or got to busy to get back to you" 

brittany634

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-dunno-what-to-do-long-story?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:6e1baa85-5d43-46bf-a6e8-7540e8610c37Post:03033170-ea9c-4de7-a95d-c0bd6cde55c9">Re:i dunno what to do : Long story</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, the thing you need to remember is that it is your wedding. I'm kind of having the same problem but I do believe that I am going to nip it here pretty soon. You as the bride do not need anymore added stress than you already have. It doesn't matter if you are the most organized person and you have all of your little duckies in a row. You're still going to be stressed. If she doesn't want to pick a dress then her only choice is jeans and I don't think you want that. Give her an ultimatum pick a dress or you're not a bridesmaid. Then the balls in her court. I'm going to give one of my bridesmaids the same thing.
Posted by LnL60810[/QUOTE]

This is really bad advice. Talk to her, about things OTHER than the wedding. Don't hound her constantly, tell her by when and where she needs to order then dress from, she's an adult let her be one. She doesn't have to talk to you 24/7. You understand being busy then why are you upset because she is busy, you don't talk so how do you know she doesn't have alot going on. Just because she doesn't have kids doesn't mean she's not busy. I work full time,and I'm taking 5 classes and I have a fI and two dogs to take care of. I also volunteer. Don't be so quick to judge.

fleab2oo3

I have given her the info for the dresses, and she wont get back to me. I dont hound her either. i guess if she orders it, she orders it.. if she doesnt she doesnt. but it would be nice to know. i try to talk to her about things other than the wedding. I wanna know how she is, i wanna know what she is up to these days. but the conversation always goes nowhere. I'm about done even trying. A friendship takes two people. When only one person puts in any effort it gets very old. It was this way before i got engaged to. should have realized. I just chose her for the wrong reasons, and i realize this. Just kinda sucks. 

fleab2oo3

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-dunno-what-to-do-long-story?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:6e1baa85-5d43-46bf-a6e8-7540e8610c37Post:7688c4db-4d1b-4c71-8b23-384b81f41b0a">Re: i dunno what to do :( Long story</a>:
[QUOTE]Paragraphs.
Posted by LingerLonger1[/QUOTE]
 My bad on the "no paragraphs,"  but no, i dont expect you to read it all if you dont want to. <div>
</div>

fleab2oo3

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-dunno-what-to-do-long-story?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:6e1baa85-5d43-46bf-a6e8-7540e8610c37Post:e51428c0-bb56-4d48-8d87-336bfe05fe6b">Re:i dunno what to do : Long story</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:i dunno what to do : Long story : Do not do the bolded part...That is a friendship ending move. Tell them the dress, color, and where to buy, and then leave it up to them to get the dress. If they don't, it is highly unlikely that they will show up in jeans to be a bridesmaid.
Posted by xcalygrl[/QUOTE]

<div>No worries, I have no intentions of kicking her out of the wedding party or giving any ultimatums. I talked to my FI about this and everything thats going on, and thats what we plan on doing. I'll give her all the info (she has most of it)  and if she orders it, great, if not, guess there is not much i can do about it. </div>

fleab2oo3

Now thats just rude. 

mcda04

I don’t think she’s seeing you as a friend. When someone blows you off that way, they don’t really care about you. I mean it happens, you might think someone is your BFF and they don’t think the same of you. Let it go. If she doesn’t buy the dress well you’re one BM down, oh well.

 I also wouldn’t be trying to build the relationship with her anymore. I moved in with H when I was 19 years old, I still had all my HS and childhood friends and it was great but when I had my first child at 20, I just couldn’t do the nights out or they weren’t interested in going out with a crying infant. I’d have get-togethers at my house but since my priority was my new family, some relationships did end.  

beardo1111

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-dunno-what-to-do-long-story?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:6e1baa85-5d43-46bf-a6e8-7540e8610c37Post:03033170-ea9c-4de7-a95d-c0bd6cde55c9">Re:i dunno what to do : Long story</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, the thing you need to remember is that it is your wedding. I'm kind of having the same problem but I do believe that I am going to nip it here pretty soon. You as the bride do not need anymore added stress than you already have. It doesn't matter if you are the most organized person and you have all of your little duckies in a row. You're still going to be stressed. If she doesn't want to pick a dress then her only choice is jeans and I don't think you want that. Give her an ultimatum pick a dress or you're not a bridesmaid. Then the balls in her court. I'm going to give one of my bridesmaids the same thing.
Posted by LnL60810[/QUOTE]

I'm very confused as to how you're far enough along in your wedding planning that you've already asked your bridesmaids, picked a dress, and are close enough that you are giving your bridesmaids ultimatums about the dress - yet you're FMIL doesn't know you're engaged and you don't have a ring.....

OP - as PPs said, don't follow any advice in this post. 

fleab2oo3

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-dunno-what-to-do-long-story?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:6e1baa85-5d43-46bf-a6e8-7540e8610c37Post:8ad06145-e5cf-42e2-9fdf-a8f60d5b2fc6">Re: i dunno what to do :( Long story</a>:
[QUOTE]I don’t think she’s seeing you as a friend. When someone blows you off that way, they don’t really care about you. I mean it happens, you might think someone is your BFF and they don’t think the same of you. Let it go. If she doesn’t buy the dress well you’re one BM down, oh well.   I also wouldn’t be trying to build the relationship with her anymore. I moved in with H when I was 19 years old, I still had all my HS and childhood friends and it was great but when I had my first child at 20, I just couldn’t do the nights out or they weren’t interested in going out with a crying infant. I’d have get-togethers at my house but since my priority was my new family, some relationships did end.  
Posted by mcda04[/QUOTE]
         Thank you! This was a helpful post :) Im feeling the same way, that she doesnt really see me as a friend anymore. Especially when she blew me off like that after not seeing each other for so long. <div>         I feel like she felt obligated to be in the wedding only because i was in hers.  If she comes to the wedding fine, if not thats fine to, but after the wedding happens, im not going to keep trying so hard to have this friendship she has not seemed to care much about for the past couple of years now. Its my own fault im in this mess because i did not go with my gut. I had a feeling this might happen, and i asked her to be in the party for the wrong reasons. I plain and simple knew i would feel very guilty if i did not ask her since i was in her wedding and i had asked her to be in what would have been my first wedding. Absolutely the wrong reasons. </div><div>         I even talked to her a while back and i told her that its been a while since i heard from her and i hope everything was going well. I told her that she has seemed very distant for a long while now and that our conversations felt forced. I told her i was there for her if she needed to talk to anyone, and i asked if the dress and stuff was putting any stress on her, or over her budget or anything. I told her  that i was concered that she did not care much about the friendship anymore since she never makes any effort and i flat out asked her if she felt obligated to be in this wedding just because i was in hers. I told her it was absolutely her choice and that if she did not want to be in the wedding it would not upset me whatever she chose. </div><div>         She finally replied to me. when a week ago when i tried to get ahold of her a couple times she never replied or texted or called back. Anyway she told me she said yes because she wanted  to be there for my big day. Im feeling like she ony said this because she didnt want to upset me, but i dont know. She has had no imput on the dresses or made any effort so far about ordering. so i guess i will just wait and see what happens</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

mcda04

I'm glad my personal experience has helped. Good luck and relax, focus on your wedding now.

fleab2oo3

Thank you.  I was the same way. When you have  your kids and a family, your priorities do change, and some people just do not understand that. 

BriLeigh89

My best friend did this too. After not seeing her for a yr and a half after my son was born I pretty much concluded we weren't friends. She will be my sister in law in a while and she won't even talk to me at family events and at her wedding she talked to me about 30 seconds before running off to the other side of the room and planting herself in a dark corner while her husband talked to her dad and her mom and my FI. It really sucks but when they suddenly have no time whatsoever you just have to say if you ever want to hang out you know where to find me. Smile and leave the ball in their court... In my case I lost one of my best friends and found I could depend on another I thought had forgotten about me. Life happens. Smile and go on. :-) Trust me I still cry over losing that friendship. I'm just an emotional person I guess.