NWR: Dealing with Death

Blueyeddramatix

A good friend of DH's mother is dying of ovarian cancer in hospice right now. She has only a few days to live. It is a young man (friend) and his father, there mom/wife is the one in hospice. I know Hospice is a place that makes passing easier on the sick and the family. I wanted to know if there are things you do as a friend of someone who has a death like this. I know bringing food to them afterward because a lot of people in mourning forget to eat, or eat something home cooked. I was curious if anyone knew good ways of being supportive, as this is one of the first deaths I have had to deal with as far as a parent of a friend goes. I suppose I am getting to that age and it is very sad. I just didn't know if there were customary things, or things that are usually done to help those grieving. I also think I needed to vent for a second. Death is a shitty part of life.

sparent2010

I would seriously just let him be for awhile. When my grandma was passing from cancer everyone tried to push food on us or stop by to check up and it just made everything worse. Give him some space for a few weeks after her passing.

Obviously afterwards I would say I am terribly sorry let me know if there is anything you need, but leave it at that.

Blueyeddramatix

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_nwr-dealing-with-death?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:6efc15c3-cf91-4b92-ab7b-6ef44d6c75a7Post:337f2a4a-5041-4be7-bf26-fd907778b0fe">Re: NWR: Dealing with Death</a>:
[QUOTE]I would seriously just let him be for awhile. When my grandma was passing from cancer everyone tried to push food on us or stop by to check up and it just made everything worse. Give him some space for a few weeks after her passing. Obviously afterwards I would say I am terribly sorry let me know if there is anything you need, but leave it at that.
Posted by sparent2010[/QUOTE]
Thats a good idea, I just didn't want to be pushy, but i do want to be there if they need me.

Avion22

My husband passed away a few years ago.

For the first few weeks there was an outpouring of support (meals, phone calls, etc), but after that almost nobody bothered to call or talk to me, which was really hard, especially considering I'm not one to ask for help. There was one family that made a point of inviting me over for dinner on weekends, or to watch football games, or whatever.  One night when she knew I would be working late the wife left some food on my doorstep so I wouldn't have to cook when I got home....that was awesome.  And one morning it snowed and the husband came over and shovelled my driveway before I even woke up.  

It really is the little things that make a big difference, especially after the first few weeks when the majority of friends and supporters have moved on.   

Blueyeddramatix

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_nwr-dealing-with-death?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:6efc15c3-cf91-4b92-ab7b-6ef44d6c75a7Post:932bfcd4-4a9d-4954-8ea2-d3a05c11243b">Re: NWR: Dealing with Death</a>:
[QUOTE]My husband passed away a few years ago. For the first few weeks there was an outpouring of support (meals, phone calls, etc), but after that almost nobody bothered to call or talk to me, which was really hard, especially considering I'm not one to ask for help. There was one family that made a point of inviting me over for dinner on weekends, or to watch football games, or whatever.  One night when she knew I would be working late the wife left some food on my doorstep so I wouldn't have to cook when I got home....that was awesome.  And one morning it snowed and the husband came over and shovelled my driveway before I even woke up.   It really is the little things that make a big difference, especially after the first few weeks when the majority of friends and supporters have moved on.   
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]
I am so sorry for your loss, and that is an excellent thing to keep in mind. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope they remain helpful and good friends.

achiduck

While they're going through the dying part it's really best to just let them know that you're there for them and leave them be for the moment. My mom was in a hospice in the last weeks of her life and it's was really annoying to have people calling or stopping by a lot. We had a lot of other stuff to do/deal with and having to make pleasantries or play host was not on the top of the priority list.

Bringing food, running errands and volunteering to do things like grocery shopping and laundry are super helpful, but like PP said it goes away pretty quickly. Taking someone out to coffee or lunch and getting them out of the house once life has settled back to "normal" is good. 

lilja032

Like PP's say I would wait for a while. In my experience there is always a flood of support for the first few weeks but after that it really dies down and I found that that was when things really started to hit. The first few weeks are so busy (funeral planning etc) that it can be hard to really take in what has happened. My best friend was amazing when my grandma passed away as it wasn't until about 6 weeks after that I really started struggling and she was always available. Even if just to watch a movie or go for coffee etc just so I could have a distraction!

skippylouwho

Something my mom always did when someone passed was take paper products to the family. it sounds kind of odd but they usually have more people in the house than normal so she would take a big package of paper plates, napkins, plastic utensils, paper towls, tissues and toilet paper. It actually would add up to quite a bit of money but most people found it very useful.  No one feels like going to the store to get toilet paper at a time like that.

But most of the time people want to talk about their loved one, especially as time passes. They want to be assured that people haven't forgotten their loved one.  remember to contact them on the decesased's birthday and other special days like anniverary's.  (call, send a card, drop by to see them, etc).

HeatherMKR

My grandfather was in hospice before he passed away in October 2010. If he doesn't feel like talking, don't force him. Bringing food for the family is almost always appreciated. Just call sporadically afterwards to check on them. 

After my grandfather's funeral, I had a few friends that had showed some support between his death and funeral that just kind of fell off the radar. Not saying that I expected everyone to be all up in my business, but they acted as if I should be totally 100% fine after the funeral...not the case. I saw my Papaw 6 hours before he died. Believe I know the pain.

((HUGS)), Prayers, and Thoughts dear