FI vent

jwill13912

Hey everyone, I came here for some advice. My FI family didn't like me at first when we started dating, I think because I was "taking away their only boy" but they seem to have gotten over it. We're getting married soon and I had my bridal shower a few weeks ago (picked a different wedding date on here cause I don't plan on using this site much more than this post) 

Well tonight my FSIL who took over planning most of the shower called and my FI put it on speaker, I was in the kitchen so I could hear what she was saying. She was telling him about how she hopes I liked my shower cause my aunt (matron of honor) was a huge pain in the a$$ and "you can even ask ___ (their other sister) it was so frustrating planning with her" and other things about how much my aunt sucks basically and FI was just like oh okay. He didn't stick up for her. 

Any time they say anything about me or my family he just lets them roll over him and he never stands up for me. We talked about it in premarital counseling and I thought he understood but guess not apparently. His way of putting it "I don't wanna get involved" well he needs to tell THEM that cause he's the one who gets an earful from me when they're done talking sh!t. And then he tells me I'm the one over reacting and being psycho and he's just trying to avoid conflict. 

He says he does stick up for me by not inquiring further when they talk ish, basically being vague as hell and beating around the bush. All I'm asking him to do is say something along the lines of "that's inappropriate, I really don't want to hear you talking bad about her family" I don't think drawing a firm line in the sand telling them what is okay to say to him is a bad thing.

Am i wrong here for wanting him to stick up for me? 

emeejeeayen

I think this may be a case of just different styles of communication. I honestly don't think either one of you is "wrong," you just each have different ways of dealing with conflict. I have to admit that I think it would be nice if he were able to find a way to stick up for you without feeling uncomfortable about it. Is he a generally verbally communicative person in other ways? 

sierraberry32

Did you tell your FI that you didn't appreciate him not doing anything? If so and he "doesn't want to get involved" maybe you should talk to his sister and tell her that you don't appreciate her talking about your aunt like that. Sometimes you have to stick up for yourself and not expect someone else to do it for you... 

jwill13912

He's verbal to me if theres an issue and we discussed this in premarital counseling and the explanation I was given is "he's more emotionally invested in you than his family so when he argues it means he cares more about whatever is going on with you" because he NEVER goes against his family. Just after she said all that about my aunt she asked him to come help move furniture this weekend. They walk all over him and he gets mad at ME when I point it out to him. 

Sierra, I thought if it was your FI or H family its their problem to deal with? It doesn't make sense to get myself involved in the middle of the sh!t talking going on between his sister or mother and him. I don't see why he can't just say its not appropriate and put an end to it.

AddieCake

He SHOULD have said it was not appropriate. He allowed her to gossip about your aunt, which is bad enough, but he also knew you were listening. You are not wrong for thinking he should have stuck up for you.

SlothGoals

You've definitely got an FI problem. If he thinks that ignoring rude statements is avoiding conflict instead of enabling bad behaviour then what is he going to do when his family starts talking badly about how you parent your children? That might sound like an extreme example but unless you two are a team and he's willing to stand up when his family starts talking ish then his family will continue to walk all over him for the rest of your lives.

And yes, you're right, he should be the one talking to his family, not you.

renegade gaucho

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_fi-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:6f8c87d4-47dd-49bf-9bf8-e39bdb96571cPost:394ced28-eb64-4d5b-ba4c-b3e1b7c05d12">FI vent</a>:
[QUOTE] We talked about it in premarital counseling and I thought he understood but guess not apparently.
Posted by jwill13912[/QUOTE]

Are you going to marry him anyway?

Sara G to be

Wow well I don't think this sounds like a great relationship. First why would he have this convo on speaker phone? That right there is weird to me. Like he almost wants you to hear what people think about you and your family. I don't know something doesn't sit right with me about this. I personally could never marry someone who didn't respect me or my family, and I wouldn't want to be involved with a family that is rude enough to talk about other people they don't know. My mom always told me you don't talk about someones family to that person. I don't know again this doesn't seem right.

Corinakay

He's a guy!  He simply didn't invest in his sisters statements, it doesn't mean she shouldn't marry him, can you agree that is pretty drastic?  Pick and choose your battles.  Does he make YOU happy.  Does he choose YOU before moving his sisters furniture?  Of course he does!  I can relate to your vent.  I feel my FI gets taken advantage of by his mom and sister too!  At the end of the day, he has never sacrificed anything we were doing and has always put me first and always will.  My mom told me to pick and choose my battles.  And really, I am WINNING!  Just remember YOU are #1