Help!!! Fiance's Bestman choice is a jerk!!!

Jamners4

How would you handle this... my Fiance want's his best friend to be the best man. I normally would not have a prob with this but his best friend is such a jerk! They have been friends since they were in mid-school together but even then the best friend has hardly ever been supportive of my fiance. It is really hard for me to envision him as the bestman also because he doesn't like me! I really don't mind if he doesn't like me but what is hard is that he doesn't support my relationship with my fiance. He finds me not good enough and undeserving. In my eyes I would certainly not have him as the bestman in my wedding but I do know that it is my fiance's choice.

What do I do? I would really like to have people in our wedding party to support us in all we do as a couple but this just doesn't seem to be going in that direction.  Should I allow him to be in the wedding? or forbid my fiance from chosing him to be the bestman? (thank goodness i have time to decide this - wedding will be june 2011)

TnJBonnell

I'd say just talk to FI about it. Let him know how you feel and really ask FI why hes choosing this guy. Let him know that the best man should support your marriage.

If FI really wants him to be the bestman, then so be it. Its his choice. I'm sure eventually his friend will grow up and realize that you two are ment for each other.

GL

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_fiances-bestman-choice-jerk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:72548e86-d5f1-419e-bf22-b054d4de7cc9Post:27ecf47b-c295-4aa6-91a8-995e986bb95d">Help!!! Fiance's Bestman choice is a jerk!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]How would you handle this... my Fiance want's his best friend to be the best man. I normally would not have a prob with this but his best friend is such a jerk! They have been friends since they were in mid-school together but even then the best friend has hardly ever been supportive of my fiance. It is really hard for me to envision him as the bestman also because he doesn't like me! I really don't mind if he doesn't like me but what is hard is that he doesn't support my relationship with my fiance. He finds me not good enough and undeserving. In my eyes I would certainly not have him as the bestman in my wedding but I do know that it is my fiance's choice. What do I do? I would really like to have people in our wedding party to support us in all we do as a couple but this just doesn't seem to be going in that direction.  Should I allow him to be in the wedding? or forbid my fiance from chosing him to be the bestman? (thank goodness i have time to decide this - wedding will be june 2011)
Posted by Jamners4[/QUOTE]

<em>Allow?? Forbid</em>?? Is he your child or your soon-to-be husband? This is his wedding too and your FI gets to pick whomever he wants. And if he insists on being friends with somebody who doesn't like you, you have a FI problem that won't disappear after you say I do, not a FI's best friend problem.

goheels05

If I were you, I would caution your FI against choosing a BM just yet.  Don't say it's because you hate him.  Say that you don't think it's a good idea to choose the BP so early (this means you can't pick your BMs yet, either).  Say that you think you should wait until a year from your wedding (so, June 2010) to ask your BP members.

If he still wants his best friend to be best man, you need to let it go.  It's not just your wedding, it's his as well.  You don't get veto rights on his choice of bridal party members.  His choice for best man has no effect on you whatsoever, and you putting up a protest about him choosing the best friend is only going to fuel best friend's hatred for you and make him want to annoy you more.

aerinpegadrak

Would you want your FI forbidding your choice of bridesmaids or MOH?  It would be utterly ridiculous.  You don't get a say over his WP.

And heels is right, WP shouldn't even be up for discussion until a year from the wedding at the earliest, for either one of you.  When it's time to choose, he picks his side and you pick yours.  End of story.

julieanna21

I have a similar situation, but honestly, regardless of best friend not liking you or your relationship your FI is marrying you, so he has a good head on his shoulders and a clear understanding of what he wants for his life, right?  Even if you tell him the guy can't be his best man, if he's been around since grade school he will likely always be around.  The wedding exclusion would be a short-lived victory causing years of resentment.  I only asked my wedding party six months in advance of the wedding, and you'd be surprised who rises to the occassion and who doesn't.  A couple of my closest friends have been very nonchalant about the whole thing making me question why they even accepted, and his two "jerk" friends are super into it!  He almost didn't ask one of them because dude is so immature (his choice not mine) which I was initially secretly happy about, but once I thought about how much it would hurt the guy, I encouraged my FI to ask him and I know he's glad he did.  And he turned out to be the only one who toasted us at engagement party, providing a pretty funny moment.  In the end we're all liking each other more and more and it's been a great experience.

Jamners4

Yes i have already told him that we will not choose the party till about 6 months till the wedding. This way he can see who he will really want as the best man, and the same goes for me. It is almost seeming like he wants the best friend to be the best man just because my fiance was the best man in his wedding. He is seeing it as the kind of "he needs to be it cuz i was it for his wedding". And no he is not my child but he is needing to realize that we both need to be very thoughtful in who we choose for the party.

I find that who we choose should be respectful of the steps we are taking for the future, and not making the wedding miserable just because they don't support us.

jeanna85

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_fiances-bestman-choice-jerk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:72548e86-d5f1-419e-bf22-b054d4de7cc9Post:27ecf47b-c295-4aa6-91a8-995e986bb95d">Help!!! Fiance's Bestman choice is a jerk!!!</a>:
[QUOTE] What do I do? .... Should I allow him to be in the wedding? or forbid my fiance from chosing him to be the bestman? (thank goodness i have time to decide this - wedding will be june 2011)
Posted by Jamners4[/QUOTE]


ummm allow? forbid him? if that is the type of attitude you have towards your relationship with your fiance, i would seriously step back and evaluate things. i don't know about other people here, but i dont "forbid" my fiance to do anything. that's ridiculous. have a conversation with him, but don't make any demands. he can decide for himself.

Manda724

i think that you should sit down and talk to your fi about how you feel... then let him think it over and then he will choose if he wants his best friend in the wedding or not.

i did that with my fi's brother. i wanted him in (not his wife, but that wasn't a problem) but my fi didn't want him in the wedding. so i sat down and talked it out with him and after a week of not talking about the bp. he said he wanted both brothers in the wedding. His father was as happy as i was with the choice.

trix1223

Oh that Goheels.  She's just so smart.  OP:  please listen to her because her advice is excellent.

notagirlikeme

I have to say that typically I agree with most the comments made on these posts.  However, this one is different.  First, why is it that people have to copy the original post and then make a comment underneath it?  Didn't we see what the person said at the top of this thing?

Second, is the inevitable "attack" on the person's, who we don't really know, relationship.  I'm sure that when Jamner posted she wasn't implying that she tells her FI what to do.  She came her to ask for opinions not to be put down about the words she used.

Lastly, what you've all been waiting for, lol, my opinion.  I would definitely talk to your FI about your concerns about his best friend.  If he's only doing it because he was the BM in his wedding it doesn't sound like it's really that important to him.  I know that if it was me I wouldn't want him in the BP at all.  I'm just curious about what your FI thinks about the fact that the guy doesn't like you?  To me it's a sign of disrespect if he goes ahead and chooses him anyway knowing how you feel about it.

jennyp08

I'd leave it be.  For several reasons.

1.  My parents aren't thrilled with my FI, and they've been outright rude to him at times.  However, my FI would never tell me that my family can't be part of the wedding because they are unsupportive.  Your FI has known this person for years.  Unsupportive or not, its your FI's right to have "his people"  celebrate with him.

2.  He's chosen you.  Even if his bestman outright hates you, your fiance obviously doesn't give a crap, or he wouldn't be marrying you.  So at the end of the day, you can just smile smugly, knowing you've won the war. lol 

3.  Don't make him choose between you and his best man. This is one of the few things that virtually all grooms care about choosing, and its the one thing (in my opinion) that the bride should stay out of.  Really, all the best man does is stand there.  You can tolerate that for your FI, if it really does mean that much to him, right?

Good luck!

julieanna21

The best man also does the toast, escorts the maid of honor (so he will be in her aisle pics), plans the bachelor party, and signs the marriage license, traditionally.  I completely agree with everyone that it is not up to us to choose the best man, but there are more things other than him just showing up that you should be prepared for/keep in mind.  In my case, there are 10 groomsman and 2 ushers.  My FI asked for a fishing trip with the guys for his bparty, and he is sooo excited.  Unfortunately bm insists there must be an outing to a strip club, which pretty much no one but him wants to do.  They're working under the security that within an hour, if bm stays true to form, he will be so wasted he won't know they never went:)  And even if he does execute the bparty HE wants, it will only remind FI and company even more why they all choose to come home to us.  You can't fight this guy or whatever he's going to do, but he's very greatly outnumbered by your other friends and family who are not jerks and actually have a life lol and whatever stunts he pulls is a blip on the radar in what will hopefully be a lifetime of happiness!

goheels05

Not necessarily, Julieanna.  They don't have to have toasts, and my bridal party members walked separately.  All of those things can easily be avoided.  FI can decline the bachelor party, and they can request no toasts be made. 

Him being in pictures and signing the marriage license really has no effect on anything, imo.

P.S. I promise I'm not paying Trix to say those things.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_fiances-bestman-choice-jerk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:72548e86-d5f1-419e-bf22-b054d4de7cc9Post:3e8fafcc-b3a6-43ef-8d60-9a661c2f3980">Re: Help!!! Fiance's Bestman choice is a jerk!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I have to say that typically I agree with most the comments made on these posts.  However, this one is different.  First, why is it that people have to copy the original post and then make a comment underneath it?  Didn't we see what the person said at the top of this thing? Second, is the inevitable "attack" on the person's, who we don't really know, relationship.  I'm sure that when Jamner posted she wasn't implying that she tells her FI what to do.  She came her to ask for opinions not to be put down about the words she used. Lastly, what you've all been waiting for, lol, my opinion.  I would definitely talk to your FI about your concerns about his best friend.  If he's only doing it because he was the BM in his wedding it doesn't sound like it's really that important to him.  I know that if it was me I wouldn't want him in the BP at all.  I'm just curious about what your FI thinks about the fact that the guy doesn't like you?  To me it's a sign of disrespect if he goes ahead and chooses him anyway knowing how you feel about it.
Posted by notagirlikeme[/QUOTE]

Welcome to the Internet and the world of public message boards, where you don't get to dictate how people respond to messages nobody was forced to post in the first place.

noelle24

First: 7/25/2009

Last: 11/24/2009

The best man also does the toast, escorts the maid of honor (so he will be in her aisle pics), plans the bachelor party, and signs the marriage license, traditionally.

And this affects the state of the universe..... how? OMG! He'll be in a handful of her BAZILLION pictures from that day! Whatever will she do?

Toasts aren't necessary, and the BM is not the only person with control over the bach party. A few pictures and who signs the marriage license are irrelevant.

Also: ALLOW? FORBID? That's kind of effed up terminology.  I never "allow" or "forbid" my fiance to do anything.  He's an adult, like me, and we are capable of rational conversations about things.

so "What do you do?" You SUCK IT UP and let him make his own choice for best man.  In the end, it doesn't matter one bit who you have as a best man, because you will still be married to your FI.  By "forbiding" your FI from choosing this person as a best man, I really think you will do more damage to your relationship with him than just LETTING IT BE.

julieanna21

I did say this would all just be a blip on the radar, I'm just saying, there are things, yes, avoidable, unimportant things, that may come up.  It is the traditional role, as my best man knows because he googled it:)  Not that that means anything.  But even the smallest things feel important to us sometimes.  Which is why these boards are awesome, for understanding and reality checks!  But I'm definitely learning, as a newbie, that choosing words very carefully are a pretty big deal on these things, so that's a benefit, too:)

goheels05

[QUOTE]I did say this would all just be a blip on the radar, [/QUOTE]

Oh, sorry about that.  Reading comprehension fail on my part. 

<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />

Jazzy_belle

I think you should respect your FI's choice on who his best man will be.  You mentioned that they have been friends since middle school-they obviously are pretty close if he wants him to be his best man.  If he's not disrepectful towards you (which I'm guessing he isn't or you probably would have mentioned it) then I'd leave it alone.

notagirlikeme

You're absolutely right, zitiqueen.  Point taken.  However, do you know a place where people can actually ask a question without the cliche "ripping a person apart" mentality?

TandEsMommy

Having read your post and all of the subsequent comments, I'd just like to quickly share an observation of mine.  I was married for 8.5 years the first time around, I married extremely young and looking back, I'm grateful that, even though it ended eventually, I was very happy for a long time.  I had the opportunity to watch all of my friends plan their weddings, and noticed that the ones with longer engagements tended to be the ones who took on the proverbial "Bridezilla" role.  I'm not advocating one engagement length over another, just stating a personal observation that tended to repeat itself.  It seems that, as women, the longer we have to think about something, the more things we find to be upset about.  The friends that put their weddings together quickly and efficiently tended to enjoy the planning process more.

That being said, you mentioned in your post that the two of you will not officially be choosing your WP for another 7ish months, correct?

So, the best advice I can think to give you re: jerk in the WP is to discuss it with your FI--in June, the timeframe you two have already agreed upon for choosing.  May at the earliest.  And until then, enjoy other aspects of your planning, and the "warm fuzzies" that go along with being engaged.  Otherwise, you're going to spend the next 7 months worrying over something that, ultimately, is not your choice anyway.  Que serra, serra  

And when the time for the talk does come, simply state to your FI that it makes you uncomfortable that his best friend doesn't like you or support the marriage, but could potentially take part in such an important day.  Then let him know that you're aware that the decision is his, and you will support whatever decision he makes.  After all, isn't not supporting your FI's decision re: you your biggest complaint about potential BM?  Don't put yourself on his level, no matter how tempting it may be.

almmtw2011

wow!! reading that reminded me word for word of my situation. and we are also getting married in June 2011...weird, haha. anyways, ive talked to my fiance about it and he knows how i feel but ultimately i know that its his choice and i will deal with what he chooses. but i know exactly where your coming from..its hard to know that someone is "in charge..so to speak" of the groomsmen and things when he could care less about you. and idk what your situation is, but my fiances "friend" only really cares about him when he wants something or has nothing better to do...BUT ive learned that men dont always have the same relationship with one another as women do, bc ive also spoken to my Fiance about this and he doesnt see it or just thinks he has a busy life, and thats okay. and it scares me to think that he may be making a speech about us...when he could careless about "us" as a couple.