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Not wedding related-just a question

So my FI's grandmother passed away this week on Tuesday. Memorial services are tomorrow from 5-8 pm and funeral is on Saturday at 10:30, but there is also the casket closing prior to the funeral that we'll be attending, plus burial after.
Now, my FI loved his grandmother and I know she had a hand in raising him. Unfortunately, by the time I came in the picture she was going senile and was pretty much bedridden which got progressively worse while I've been dating my FI (almost 4 years). My FI seems to think that our 22 month old daughter should be able to stay throughout all of these things going on for the whole time....Now, realistically I do not see that happening...memorial services happen to be around her bedtime, plus afterwards they plan to go to one of the relative's bars. Saturday we will be at the memorial home at 9:00 am (my FI is also a pallbearer) and we will conclude everything by going to his Aunt's house for a late lunch around 1 or 1:30 pm...the problem we also run into is that its about a 45 minute drive from our place so I can't exactly take my daughter home and my FI wouldn't want me to.
First, I cannot see our daughter behaving well for that long....I plan to bring crayons, color paper, snacks, drinks, and such...but eventually she will need to run around or take a nap. His family is VERY dramatic at such events and I don't know if he just expects us to be there to participate in that or what. I want to be there to support him, but I also know he'll be more involved with talking with his relatives which means I'll be sitting with our daughter by myself....I can't say that I am sad for grandma's passing as she was in alot of pain, but his whole family seems shocked that this was "it." I'm sad because he is sad, but I hate dramatic situations. I am not a very dramatic person when it comes to funerals-I will shed a few tears, but that's about it as I tend to believe they are in a better place...
Essentially though, are his expectations regarding our daughter unrealistic or am I overthinking things?
And I'm not trying to sound insenstive regarding his family or how they feel...my family was just raised me very differently. When my grandmother passed away we had a memorial (that I only stayed a little bit for), next day had a funeral, then went out to eat at a restaurant...thats about it.....FI is insisting that we get up at the location at the same time as his mom which would be early, we got a hotel room for the night, we'll probably be at his aunt's till 6 or 7 pm on Saturday...that's can be hard on a 22 month old. I've brought the subject up to him and he just accuses me of not wanting to spend time with his family and that our daughter can just deal or she'll be "just fine."

Re: Not wedding related-just a question

  • pgcppgcp member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Comments 5 Love Its
    I think she is way too young to be expected to attend all of that.  I would have a sitter on hand who can take her away when needed.  When my fil passed away my daughters were 13 and 16 years old, and we allowed them to be in and out during the two days of visitation.  They did attend the memorial service at the school where he taught that was about 30 minutes long, and then the hour long funeral service.  They were also at the grave site for the burial.  They were teenagers and found it really difficult to be present for everything.
  • Well, my parents would normally take her, but they had a trip planned for this one weekend (left tonite actually) and the only other people that we have trusted with our daughter's care is FI's Mom. We knew grandma wasn't doing too good so my mom was all ready to take off work for the funeral and such so that she could watch our daughter, but it just happened to be this weekend with how everything went down. My parents take her for one night every weekend just about, lol. Our friends either have work, school, live at home with their parents, or don't have transportation (and we only have one car). Trust me, I tried to look for other options but on short notice alot didn't pan out....
    I just don't want my FI getting up set at our daughter's behavior-I've already said that I'll take her outside if she starts misbehaving, but its like he doesn't want me to leave with her to go back to the hotel or something...I dunno...its just weird. I even mentioned leaving his Aunt's (on Saturday) to go home a little early or something and he said that she can nap there which I really don't see happening since there will be too much commotion even if we take her upstairs.
    I understand that he wants to honor his grandmother, I just really didn't see a realistic point of view for me and my daughter to be there the entire time....
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I think he is being unrealistic, but that could be just because of his grief. 

    Can I ask what your solution is?  






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • BTW-thank you for not making me feel crazy. I thought I might have been in the wrong for thinking that my daughter was too young to attend alot of that stuff...my original plan was for me and her to pay our respects at the memorial (my FI could stay if he would like) and for us to go home until he got done. Attend the funeral and spend a little time at his Aunt's, but now everything has changed especially since everything is about a 45 minute drive from us....sigh.....
  • The only solution that seems to satisfy my FI is for us to attend everything...so now that means my daughter will be irritable as will I, plus I need to be supportive for my FI, and manage to put up with the rest of his dramatic family-LOL. Sorry I don't mean to sound nasty, I'm just irritated and stressed about the situation...
  •  Sometimes the funeral homes and churches have a nursery..when my unlce passed aways a few years ago I was 13 my sister was 12 and we had a 1 year old cousin. Our parents allowed us to leave after a little while and sit in the nursery with our cousin. This allowed us to be in the recieveing line with the family for a little bit but after I would say 30 mins or so one of the workers escorted us to the nursery. Our parents were able to check in on us and the workers (I am not sure what their title is) checked in on us as well. We did the samething at the church. Maybe the places you will attend may have simillar accomidations (if that is the right word). Maybe as it gets closer your fi will realize your daughter needs time to stretch and play.
  • I don't think it's impossible. I have taken my children to my dads funeral. They were ages 1 and 2. If your daughter gets rowdy then take her out of the room. My children fall asleep on me all the time. I don't see an issue with naps.
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