Please give me your thoughts

Weezy56

Thank you so much everyone for your advice, it is very much appreciated

Dirty delete for privacy reasons, I promise I'm not one of the newbs who run off stomping their feet

MoonlightSilver

This is a really tough situation, especially since you're hearing everything through the grapevine. 

If anyone should be faulted, though, it's C. He's the one cheating on his partner if D doesn't know and consent to what's going on. A and B are guilty by association, but I don't see why you (from what I can tell) are judging A more harshly than C. Since you don't know all the details, you don't know if C lied to A and told A that D was okay with the situation. 

I think it's okay for you to be judgy in private, but you need to decide what you want to do re: your relationship with all these people (and attending weddings), and then stick with it. If you can't hide your feelings from A, you need to decide if you're going to stop hanging out or risk sharing what you know. While they might be doing the "bad" stuff, you could be the one ostrocized if you're the one that causes this all to come to light, kwim? Especially if C & A aren't ready to speak up. 

Weezy56

Moonlight,

I definitley agree, I really do need to decide what I'm going to do. I know that if I'm going to continue the level of closness and friendship with A, I am going to have to commit to myself to keep my mouth shut. Me opening my mouth would do nothing but cause problems (not just with her, but with my husband as well. I promised him I would not say anything). I need to still think about the wedding, but at least I have some time, their wedding isn't until June.

Although I am having angry feelings towards all 3 of them (A, B, and C), I do kind of feel like I am judging A more harshly than C. Thank you for bringing that up, because that puts it in a new perspective for me. You are right, C is more at fault than A is.

beardownbchs

I am in no way saying that you should say anything, but I was in a similar situation. I was friends with a girl for a long time. She had a boyfriend and I became great friends with him too. They had a baby. Then she was cheating on him with her high school boyfriend. She wasn't hiding it from anyone (except her boyfriend) and thought it was funny. Even though I was her friend first, I was really close to her boyfriend. I thought to myself, "If my boyfriend was cheating on me, would I want someone - anyone - to tell me?" and I decided that I would. So, after thinking about it for a long time of, I told him. He broke up with her. She hated me. She went on to marry this second guy and have two more babies. She got over it and we became friends again. The boyfriend STILL thanks me (almost 10 years later) because he was going to propose to her and everyone knew but I was the only one who told him.

My point is - put yourself in D's shoes. She has no idea what is going on and, at least for me, I wouldn't want to be that girl. 

I agree that this is none of your business, but if you continue to be friends with A & B and can't seem to get over this, I think you are definitely okay to distance yourself. Not everyone has the same principles and what's right for you isn't right for someone else (I think you know this...) but if it's not something you can get over, you can't change that. 

I've severed friendships because I didn't agree with choices people were making. Coincidentally, one of those people is the girl I was just talking about, but a 6-week-old baby died because of her poor decisions. 

Sorry, now I'm rambling. Long post short - If you can't get past what you know, I think you are okay to distance yourself. You can't help how you feel. 

Weezy56

Beardown,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. C has fooled around behind her back before, and I had always entertained the thought of saying something, but never had the balls to. I have been cheated on in the past and it suuuuucks. If it were me, I would much rather know and make my own decision about how to proceed with the relationship and my life than not know at all. That's why I'm so conflicted about going to the wedding- she does not have the ability to make an informed decision, because she does not know the truth about what he had been doing (if that makes sense).

Gr. People should just keep their weiners and va jays jays where they belong

Peledreamsofrain

I personally am in the 'I would want to know" camp.  Especially if I was going to get married to the person.  Divorces can be harrowing and financially crippling.

Another issue is that if he is fooling around so often, he's exposing her to the danger of contracting an STD.  Because he's hiding his infidelity, she could find out too late that she's contracted something that could either endanger her life, or destroy any chance of her ever having children.  

If you do decide to tell her, be prepared for the chance that instead of coping with the situation, she will refuse to believe you and cut ties.  It is a possibility.

Weezy56

Peledreams,

Thank you so much for your response. I will be completely 100% honest, and this might sound bad- if I spill the beans, her cutting ties with me wont be my worst worry. My worst worry is that I promised my husband (who is very close to her fiance) that I wouldn't say anything. We are going to talk about it more tomorrow though as he is already in bed. I'm sooo incredibly angry at her fiance and I'm sort of kicking myself in the ass now for not  saying anything before.

Although her and I are not very close anymore and she did/said a lot of things to hurt me, I still have forigiven her and my heart just hurts for her.

I'm sorry I'm still rambling, I've had a couple glasses of wine

Peledreamsofrain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_please-give-me-your-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:74ef1772-2f04-48ac-a15c-70fc024a8db5Post:755d8e5f-564e-4209-8b53-2eb79339ce16">Re: Please give me your thoughts</a>:
[QUOTE]Peledreams, Thank you so much for your response. I will be completely 100% honest, and this might sound bad- if I spill the beans, her cutting ties with me wont be my worst worry. My worst worry is that I promised my husband (who is very close to her fiance) that I wouldn't say anything. We are going to talk about it more tomorrow though as he is already in bed. I'm sooo incredibly angry at her fiance and I'm sort of kicking myself in the ass now for not  saying anything before. Although her and I are not very close anymore and she did/said a lot of things to hurt me, I still have forigiven her and my heart just hurts for her. I'm sorry I'm still rambling, I've had a couple glasses of wine
Posted by Weezy56[/QUOTE]

<div>*hugs* no worries about the rambling.  You are going through something hard.  Not to mention you are much better than me at typing after a few glasses!  I'd just keep typing "asshat" over and over about the guy. :P </div>

Weezy56

Gosh, Asshat is what I'm thinking too. Don't get me wrong, he's always been very kind to me ( I mean he has to be, I'm his good friends wife, haha). But in all honestly, even when me and husband were just friends back in the day, him and I always got along very well and we always had fun. He just hasn't been very skilled in the "being faithful" department these past few years. As far as we know he is faithful now, because he told my husband this is the real reason he doesn't hang out with A & B anymore, and all of that mess has stopped. It still pisses me off though, which I wish it didn't

Weezy56

Stage,

Please allow me to clarify. They have not always betrayed people with threesomes, and I do not mean to imply that them enjoying that automatically equates with betraying people. That is not the case at all, when she first told me about their lifestyle I did not bat an eye. What I meant by that statement was that there have been more instances just like this one. (ie they have slept with a woman together who was dating one of their mututal guy friends, and said guy friend did not and still does not know about it). I was not very clear.

ETA: In response to your ETA, (if that makes sense haha), We do not know for sure that he is still faithful, that is why I said "as far as we know". You are right, he very well could still be straying, that is just what he told my husband tonight.

Weezy56

Stage,

I see where you are coming from now. I just want to reiterate that I did not mean come off like  I judge people just because they engage in those types of relationships. I thought I was offering releveant background information, but I definitley see the point you have made.

Weezy56

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_please-give-me-your-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:74ef1772-2f04-48ac-a15c-70fc024a8db5Post:9c83b483-1976-4bee-95a3-1126aa1fe38c">Re: Please give me your thoughts</a>:
[QUOTE]YOU HAVE A MORAL RESPONSIBILITY TO TELL. As everyone points out, cheating isn't just an emotional hurt.  It puts the person's health and even their life at risk.  Herpes and HIV aren't curable.  A person can carry both with no symptoms for years.  (95% of people infected with herpes never have an outbreak, but spread the disease to others). How will you feel if your friend finds out they're infertile from chlamydia they never knew they had?? I've been widowed once, divorced once prior to this. The divorce happened because of his abuse and infidelity.  Turns out our "friends" knew about it, but nobody would tell, "because it wasn't 'their place'." You are complicit if you know and don't tell, and can expect that to end your friendship if it's discovered. PLEASE say something. 
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

 I think I am going to. Everyone has made very excellent points and the more I keep putting myself in her shoes, the more and more compelled I am to tell. The last thing I want to do is be the cause of emotional/physical turmoil later down the road when it is much easier to bring it out now. I will try to take any backlash that comes of it with stride.

Weezy56

Stage, I'm with you on that. She first confided in me about what they do a few years ago, and she wanted to know my thoughts. I told her what her and her husband do is none of my business, or anyone else's, but as long as every person is involved is a consenting adult and everyone is comfortable, then by all means get your swing on.

McRogol

I agree with those encouraging you to say something. The thought of marrying someone who was unfaithful and those around me knew, makes feel a little queasy. No one wants to be the whistleblower, but she should know what she's truly signing up for.

MrsGandthebeag

Honestly I don't blame you for judging.  I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone involved in cheating on their spouse/partner.  I've been cheated on and it was the worst feeling ever.  Took me a good couple years to get over that.  It's the right thing for you to do to tell.  Your dh needs to get over it.