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How do I make him understand?

My FI and I are getting married Nov. 20 of this year.  We are both very excited about getting married and starting a family of our own(I have 2 kids from a previous marriage). I want to get married and then have a kid.  Problem is, my FI is not even worried about the getting married part anymore.  He wants us to get pregnant asap.  He has been trying to convince me and since I know my cycle, I have scheduled work or been sick or something around the times when I am ovulating.  I can't keep this up for much longer, what should I do? I don't want him to think that I don't want to have a baby soon, it's just I dont want to be 8 or 9 months pregnant and getting married.  HELP!!

Re: How do I make him understand?

  • What about just saying "no"?  You should be able to communicate to let your needs known in this relationship.  Why is he in such a hurry?
  • Yes, you need to talk to him.  You need to make him understand your side.  Would it really hurt to wait a couple more months?  Financially it would be more work to plan for a new baby and a wedding?  You don't want to be pregnant on your wedding day.  Maybe if you discuss these concerns/issues he will understand and decide to wait until after the wedding.
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  • I agree with pp.  You need to have a talk with him.... that's a really important thing!!
  • megk8ozmegk8oz member
    First Comment
    edited March 2010
    Call me crazy, but I'm pretty sure a woman needs to be "on board" with her own pregnancy. I'm not saying the guy gets absolutely no say on the matter (As in, I get really ticked off when a woman secretly tries/succeeds on purpose at getting pregnant when the guy's not ready) ... but at the same time posession is 9/10 of the law, and Jr.'s going to be renting out your uterus for the next 9 months, not his, so you really need to be ready first.

    Do the grown up thing and just tell him you're not ready. If you really have to lie to him and secretly avoid sex when you're ovulating, because you don't want kids yet, I really don't see your marriage standing a chance in hell.

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  • I'd talk to him, and if he doesn't understand, just lay out all of your ressons, Maybe persuade him that you two should enjoy the married life for a bit before having baby #3.  My FI and I are hoping for a honeymoon baby as well, I couldn't imagine planning for a wedding and a baby at the same time. That must make both tasks that much more difficult.
       In the end, it's your decision. Get on the pill if you must, but definitely be clear with him that you are not trying to get pregnant until you're ready.
       Best of luck!
  • Yeah, this is not just something you can ignore and hope it will go away. At this point you're basically lying to him if he thinks you two are trying to get pregnant and you're not. This is not how you want your relationship to go and you need to sit down and tell him your concerns, whatever they may be, and that you want to wait. You need open communication in your relationship. So start now.
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  • Obviously there is some sort of severe communication breakdown in your relationship.  If you can't talk about your concerns and he won't listen it doesn't really inspire much confidence in your impending marriage.

    I see trouble ahead. 
  • What the holy hell? Why haven't you told him that you would like a family, but not until after the wedding? FI and I were TTC a few months ago and he wants to be a father, like yesterday. Then we got engaged and I bought a wedding dress and told him it was back to birth control until after the wedding. We had a discussion and admitted that we both didn't want to wait too long, but that it made sense to do so.


    Why are you not just talking to him? Why are you avoiding a discussion and/or lying to get out of having sex with him? Is this how you normally handle things?

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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited March 2010
    If you can't have a conversation about when to have a child, you shouldn't be getting married or bringing another child into the world.

    You need to figure out what's going on with your relationship and figure out how to communicate.
  • This post makes me very, very concerned.  First of all, why is he so anxious to have a baby NOW?  Seconldy, I don't understand why you can't sit down and talk with him about this.  Third, and most important, why do you have to be "sick"?  You should be able ot just tell him, "not tonight". 
  • Every time my friends' boyfriends have been pressuring them for a baby immediately before marriage, it has always been to control them and make it so my friend couldn't leave them. Maybe that's not the case for you, but think carefully.

    And provide your own condoms. I wouldn't trust his.
  • Ok ladies,

    I didn't make myself clear in my previous post. I am not pretending to be sick.  I meant I have been sick one month around that time, and the next, yes, I scheduled myself for work.  It's not like we have a communication problem in our relationship...we talk about EVERY thing. Our relationship is strong because we are such great friends and because neither one of us holds anything back.  I just didn't know how to talk about this without him being hurt.  My ex "says" he started cheating on me because I wouldn't give him another child. Part of me is so defensive about this subject because of my past.  I didn't want that side of me to come out when I was talking with my FI.

    I spoke with him about it, and told him about what my ex claimed and that that is the reason why I had been so scared to talk to him about it.  This whole baby thing is very recent(past 2 months), and while I want more kids, I don't want them now.  I told him that, and he agreed that we should wait until after the wedding.  I found out that most of his friends are going to be daddy's very shortly, or have already become daddy's with their GF/FI/or Wife. He is a little jealous.  Yes, he loves my boys like they are his, but my children are 6 and 4 and he wants a baby of his own.  I just told him that there was no reason for him to be jealous, that for now he could play "uncle" and once we were married he could work on trying to be daddy...LOL!  So, no more scheduling work around my ovulation time.  Just good ol' fashioned safe sex!  Hopefully in 8 or 9 months, I will be back on here telling everyone we got married and are now expecting!! 

    Thanks ladies!!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_him-understand?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:7af48e89-d7aa-44af-98d0-8992b9f03927Post:d6784fa3-ea8a-4c5c-9c81-d15ac0b6fad2">Re: How do I make him understand?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok ladies, I didn't make myself clear in my previous post. I am not pretending to be sick.  I meant I have been sick one month around that time, and the next, yes, I scheduled myself for work.  <strong>It's not like we have a communication problem in our relationship</strong>...we talk about EVERY thing. Our relationship is strong because we are such great friends and because neither one of us holds anything back.  <strong>I just didn't know how to talk about this</strong> without him being hurt.  My ex "says" he started cheating on me because I wouldn't give him another child. Part of me is so defensive about this subject because of my past.  I didn't want that side of me to come out when I was talking with my FI. I spoke with him about it, and told him about what my ex claimed and that that is the reason why I had been so scared to talk to him about it.  This whole baby thing is very recent(past 2 months), and while I want more kids, I don't want them now.  I told him that, and he agreed that we should wait until after the wedding.  I found out that most of his friends are going to be daddy's very shortly, or have already become daddy's with their GF/FI/or Wife. He is a little jealous.  Yes, he loves my boys like they are his, but my children are 6 and 4 and he wants a baby of his own.  I just told him that there was no reason for him to be jealous, that for now he could play "uncle" and once we were married he could work on trying to be daddy...LOL!  So, no more scheduling work around my ovulation time.  Just good ol' fashioned safe sex!  Hopefully in 8 or 9 months, I will be back on here telling everyone we got married and are now expecting!!  Thanks ladies!!
    Posted by ccallaway03[/QUOTE]

    <div>These two things are contradictory.  </div><div>
    </div><div>I suggest you two consider couples counselling.  It sounds like there are a lot of issues here and that you do have communications problems.</div>
  • Ditto MNIN.  When I tell people that FI and I don't have communication problems, it's because absolutely nothing is taboo in our relationship.  Sometimes I have to word things carefully; for instance, I was curious what he considers to be cheating, but I had to sort of steer the conversation to that because I didn't want him to think that I was bringing it up out of the blue from guilt (he's been cheated on by several exes).  But honestly, if there were anything that I felt like I couldn't approach him about at all, I wouldn't feel that we were ready to get married.
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