Rehearsal Dinner Drama...HELP!!!

RobinandDJ

So our wedding is 6 months away and we are having issues planning the rehearsal dinner. My fiance's father and his wife offered to pay for and plan our rehearsal dinner which was really nice. I gave her a few places that I would like to have the dinner and and told her what date the rehearsal was and how many people we are expecting to invite. While I was researching places, I realized that a friend of mine owns a nice Italian restaurant near our venue and I contacted him in regards to having the dinner there. He said he would take care of us and wanted to know what he could do to help. When I contacted my FFIL's wife she said that they want to have the dinner on the Friday before the wedding instead of the Thursday because people have to work on Thursday and that she didn't want me to worry about where to have the dinner because they would handle it.

I then explained to her that the rehearsal has to be on Thursday since our venue has weddings on Friday nights. She kept saying what about people who have to work Friday and what if people can't make the rehearsal by 5 or 6pm. I simply explained that people will have plenty of notice and they will be able to make arrangements to be there.

I just feel that they don't really understand that this is how things have to be and its not even under my control. They have been nothing but a source of stress since the day my fiance and I got engaged and I really just don't know how to handle things or what to do.

Any advice ladies?! I could really use it!

elizabeth918

Yikes- that is a tough situation.  It's hard when someone else is planning it, but I definitely think that they should be aware and respectful of your wishes.  I would re-iterate that although it may be more convenient to have the rehearsal on Friday due to work schedules, it's just not do-able with your venue. 

I would also bring up that it's not like everyone who is attending the wedding is going to the rehearsal (I assume), so it only affects people directly involved with the wedding, for the most part, who are going to be more cognizant of needing to re-arrange their schedules for the wedding.   

I am also always a supporter of 'kill them with kindness', in terms of remaining positive, appreciative, and kind, while expressing your feelings.  It can be hard to not be frustrated, though.  

Good luck, and I hope this helps!

chica7484

Thursday rehearsals are a bit of an inconvenience, but sometimes they just can't be avoided. Is the restaurant somewhat local to the venue/wedding party? I think if everyone is within at least a 30-45 minutes of the restaurant, you should be good. Rehearsals don't take that long, so if you schedule it for around 4:30 or 5, and dinner for 6, I don't think that is too outrageous. 

And I totally agree with Elizabeth - "Kill them with kindness!"

mariegra

Am I understanding this correctly....they want to do a rehersal dinner the same night as your wedding??  Before the wedding when you should be getting ready??  Wow....I think they should be able to figure that one out, unless they're wanting you to totally change your ceremony plans?

dls.1215

No they have a Saturday wedding and the rehearsal is 2 days before.  They want the dinner to be on Friday the day in between.  I would think if someone was in attendance at the rehearsal and then had to go back on Friday that would be even more of an inconvenience, could you put it that way?  The people in the wedding might not be able to attend both if they are on different nights.

RobinandDJ

We are having out wedding on Sunday afternoon but the venue has weddings on Friday night so they schedule the rehearsals for Thursday nights. We are also having a welcome dinner for out of town guests on Saturday night since the majority of our family are coming from out of state for the wedding.

There is nothing I can change about the rehearsal at the venue being on Thursday and I don't see how having a dinner afterwards is an issue even if it is on a work night. What are we 8 years old and not allowed to stay up past 8pm on a school night?! It's just a little ridiculous that they are being so pushy about it and not listening to anything that I want. I did explain to them that the wedding is 6 months away and that our bridal party (which is only 8 people) will have plenty of notice of the rehearsal dinner date and time to plan to be there on time. It might not be convenient for them but the reality of it is that it's not about them and they really don't even have any role in the wedding so they just need to go with it.

Am I being a bridezilla or am I totally justified?

DrPB2b13

I think you're justified, though your last line ("It's not about them and just need to go with it") sounds slightly bridezilla-ish to me. Just my opinion; you're totally in the clear, and I'm sure we all have slightly bridezilla moments now and again anyway (I know I do!)!

Have you discussed what their vision is for the rehearsal dinner?  I've noticed rehearsal dinner expectations can vary greatly from family to family: Some see it as a way to reward/thank the wedding party for all that they have done with a nice dinner and gifts, and also include immediate family only.  Some think of it as a giant family party, often a potluck, where both families, immediate and extended, come together to tell stories and enjoy each others' company, and the wedding party just so happens to be invited because they're there.  And of course there are all kinds of variations in between.

Clearly, you are thinking most of your wedding party - they're already going to be there, they will understand the need for Thursday night vs. Friday.  But maybe she is thinking of having large extended families there, who may not be in town for the wedding until at least Friday night, and who won't/can't take a full day off of work just to make it to the rehearsal dinner.  Making sure you both have clear ideas of who is going to be there, and why, might be the first step towards helping her understand why Thursday isn't such a big deal.

FireDancer04

Do you HAVE to be at the venue for a rehearsal? You could do a quick run through elsewhere. As long as every one knows where they need to be and when to walk and with who, there is no need to have it at the venue. 

 I know, if I was in your situation, that my bridal party would not be able to take Thursday and Friday off for a Sunday wedding.  Nor would I expect them to. 

chica7484

Are the people invited to the RD local or OOT? I think this is where I am confused. 

Does your BP have to come in from OOT on Thursday for a Sunday wedding?

mariegra

Ah, thanks for the explaination.  I think you should stand your ground and just tell them that the rehersal dinner will need to be on Thursday and that people will have plenty of advance notice to make arrangements.  If they're not listening, maybe have your FI speak to his parents and set them straight.  Even though they may be footing the bill---it is YOUR and your FI's choice...not theirs.  Good luck.

booboo1978

I'll be in the same boat as far as my venue not being able to do a Friday night rehearsal because of a wedding already taking place there the night before mine.   We're just getting everyone together Friday night for a small dinner and no rehearsal. I can't ask people to head up to NH from Boston (or OOT) on the Thursday before the wedding, then go up Friday night to stay over for Saturday into Sunday. The coordinator from the site will show everyone where to stand day of (we can get there early). 
Is it possible to work out with your coordinator at the site to do a quick "where to stand" tutorial on the day of? Can you get to your venue a little early? If you're worried about the readers, ask the coordinator if he/she can mark where the readers can stand on the floor with some tape, or just tell the readers to go where the mic stand is. 
I can understand where your frustrations with your FI's family are coming from, but if they're paying for it, then you do have to take a little step back and respect where they're coming from.  Hopefully you all can come to a resolution where it works out for everyone!

RobinandDJ

Thanks so much for all your help girls! I guess I just have to see how the situation plays out