B listing?

TWmom

I actually have a few questions but they pretty much all hinge on this one...What's the consensus on B listing?

[Deleted User]

I'm not doing it. You run the risk of hurting feelings when people find out that they are on the B list. It also seems like a huge pain in the asss. It's just not worth it to me.

aerinpegadrak

It's a minefield.  I've heard of people doing it successfully, but unless it's done very carefully, someone will figure it out, and once one person knows, everyone knows.  No one wants to be on the B list, and if they find out they are, they're going to be hurt.  To me it just wasn't worth the risk.

goheels05

We did it, but it was a huge PITA.  I'm not sure it was worth the hassle. 

ashleym373

Ok, I am clueless on this one....what is B listing?

Does it have to do with the bridal party?

I <3 Seabass

We didn't do a b list. But I can see how it can be necessary in some cases.

To pp, there's a good post here about what the B list is and how it works.

http://www.soulfulengagements.com/1/post/2009/11/the-b-list.html

shaydenise

I'm having to do a B-List because my guest list is so large.  Only A-List (which is strictly limited to family, aside from the WP) are getting save-the-dates, then we are sending out A-List invitations, and as we get in no's we are sending out B-Lists. 

Let me just say this is NOT my ideal way to handle this.  Our venue (which was the largest we could find) only holds a certain amout so we didn't have a choice.  Well, I mean I suppose we could just leave people off entirely but my parents (who are paying for the majority of the wedding so yes they get a say) really didn't want to to that... Thus the B-List was born...

duckie1905

B lists have potential for disaster and seriously hurt feelings.  They are hardly ever done in a manner that would prevent b-listers finding out.

I've been b-listed before and, honestly, I'd rather not be invited than find out that I wasn't good enough friend/family to make the first cut.

Just Jen

We're doing it -- as it is, we had 20 more people than the venue holds on the A list. There's no way we could fit everyone on th B list too.

I think we can avoid hurt felling, though, becuase our Bs are 2 distinct groups, who know each toehr but don't know anyone on the A list. (FI's grad school friends, and friends from an outdoor excursion group he's in).

MairePoppy

There's too much potential for hurt feelings, so I am opposed to B listing. We are not doing it, but our families are small, so there is really no need to consider it.
If I knew I was on a B list, I would probably decline the invitation.

laurenclaire1386

Dude, you're still not going to be able to cram all the people you want into your gazebo.

Ken&Cass

The way I see it is, the if the guest isn't good enough to go on the A list then they probably shouldn't be invited. I'm not doing it, and I agree with others that it's a big waste of time.

FutureMrsBoucher

Actually, I was wondering what the whole A/B thing was on the guest list organizer on here... Now that I know, as much as I hate the idea of a B list, I just might put one together. Here's my reason: FI and I are paying for everything on our own and have limited budget and resources. Most that would be considered "A" list is family; and while I'd much rather invite friends that would be considere "B" list because I'm closer to them, my friends would be much more understanding of not being invited due to financial constraints than would my family. Friends are still excited and happy for us and we will probably have a party when we get back to school with all of our school friends to celebrate if we cannot invite them to the wedding. But I still like the whole premis of the "B" list thing, even if I don't like what it signifies... because again, honestly I'd rather have my friends than family but don't feel like dealing with the mess...

jenn.daniel

We'll probably do that with some of FI's parent's friends.  We're giving them a limit of 50 (includes family and parents' friends) but they said they could think of 100 people to invite.  They have a various social sets so it would be possible to invite doctor friends and B-list tennis club friends without anyone knowing, for example.

akasper16

We're not doing it.  We made a list of everyone wanted to invite and that's who we're inviting.  We didn't put them into 2 different categories.  We figured that if we didn't really care if some people were at the wedding or not, then they probably shouldn't be on our guest list. 

megandjay

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_b-listing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:82d0ca3d-57d9-4fa3-bbdd-7bfa957b6f16Post:04d3af30-d390-4dea-a5e8-e096a89c14a4">Re: B listing?</a>:
[QUOTE]B lists have potential for disaster and seriously hurt feelings.  They are hardly ever done in a manner that would prevent b-listers finding out. I've been b-listed before and, honestly, I'd rather not be invited than find out that I wasn't good enough friend/family to make the first cut.
Posted by duckie1905[/QUOTE]

Same here. As a person that has been B-listed, I can tell you it is insulting. Like you don't really care if I am there, but if someone else declines you want to ensure that you get a gift. Rude, rude, rude.

I would say it is similar to asking a replacement BM after another BM drops out.

Just don't.

pokepoke27

It sounds very hard to do - how do you decide who is on which list? I know I wouldn't be able to go through my friends and family and rank them in order of importance to me. If your guest list is SO big, then maybe you should have a strictly family only wedding with a friends only party to celebrate after the fact. My friends would understand that I just can not have everyone that I want there with me at the wedding and would love the chance to celebrate. Maybe wait until you get your photos/edited videos back and look at them with your nearest and dearest friends?

krissydawn16

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_b-listing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:82d0ca3d-57d9-4fa3-bbdd-7bfa957b6f16Post:80ad532b-92d0-4cc2-aaba-df45750c94d3">Re: B listing?</a>:
[QUOTE]We're doing it -- as it is, we had 20 more people than the venue holds on the A list. There's no way we could fit everyone on th B list too. I think we can avoid hurt felling, though, becuase our Bs are 2 distinct groups, who know each toehr but don't know anyone on the A list. (FI's grad school friends, and friends from an outdoor excursion group he's in).
Posted by Just Jen[/QUOTE]

<div>This is how ours is... our B list are friends of friends that we hang out with often.  But not the people we call after work to chat about our days.  They won't be offended if their not invited, but they won't pass up a party.  Our families were so big we hardly had room for friends other than the WP on the A list.</div>

goheels05

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_b-listing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:82d0ca3d-57d9-4fa3-bbdd-7bfa957b6f16Post:04d3af30-d390-4dea-a5e8-e096a89c14a4">Re: B listing?</a>:
[QUOTE]B lists have potential for disaster and seriously hurt feelings.<strong>  They are hardly ever done in a manner that would prevent b-listers finding out.</strong> I've been b-listed before and, honestly, I'd rather not be invited than find out that I wasn't good enough friend/family to make the first cut.
Posted by duckie1905[/QUOTE]

I disagree with the part in bold.  I think most people have the good sense not to do it in a way that any of their guests find out.  It's still a huge pain, though.

Just curious, a few posters mentioned that they were B-listed and knew it.  How did you know?

This is how we did A/B list:
A list was family, members of the bridal party, and their S/Os. 
B list was friends and coworkers. 

The A-list got save-the-dates and the first round of invitations.  I don't remember the exact calendar time-line, but after the first RSVP date, the 2nd round of invitations went out.  We had so many declines that we were able to invite our entire B-list.  Had we not, we had our B-list group separated out into groups of people who knew eachother.  As we got declines, we would have sent out the invitations in groups so that friends wouldn't be receiving invitations a week apart from eachother and think something was up.

megandjay

We knew we were B-listed due to Facebook. You never know who is friends of friends, with the internet nowadays...

cukimerrydoll

Generally, I disagree with "B-listing" in a way that you're sending out invites in sections, but using an "A-list" and a "B-list" more as a planning tool makes some sense to me.

Our list is divided in a couple ways: family, wedding party, family friends, our friends, parent's friends.  When we have to cut people, we start at the bottom and work our way up.  But there are other subtleties that we take into account - can't invite X without Y, or can't cut one of my mom's co-workers without cutting them all (I didn't want them there, but she was relentless).

duckie1905

I find out about the A/B listing because no one I've ever known has does it right.  They don't make A/B lists based on who knows who, they make them based on who they want first and who they want second.  So, friends or family in the same group are members of either an A or B list. 

Heels-I think you did it the right way.  You didn't mix groups.  This, in my experience, is not how people do it.  I've been on both the a-list (and inadvertently gave it away to a b-lister) and I've been a b-lister in which a family member or friend brought up the wedding, I said I never got an invite, and then two weeks later I got one.

Also, when you get an invite that has a response due in 3 days, I usually assume either they b-listed or they invited last minute guests because they had more "no" responses than they expected.

I think if done right they are fine.  But, I don't think most people (or at least people I know-which says something about how ridiculous some of my family and distant friends are) have the common sense to do them right.  And, being caught on both sides has turned me off to the idea in general.  DH and I just shrug it off and decline if we don't want to attend but b-lists have seriously hurt relationships in my extended family. 

goheels05

I see what you mean, Duckie.  That's really crappy. 

LesPaul

We didn't technically have a B-list, but did think of a few people to include after the invitations went out.  Based on RSVPs, we had room to add a few, so we did.  I sent the invitations out in waves anyway, so there wasn't a clear distinction who was a late addition.

saxy414

I'm using A and B list thingy on the guest list on The Knot--but not sending out A and B list invites.  I wouldn't be able to seperate the guest list into groups that don't know each other, and from what PPs have said, I'd hate to hurt feelings.  Since we're far enough out to not worry about invitations yet, we're organizing it as we think of people we need to/want to include, so that when it comes to actually sending STDs and inviting, we'll be able to call up the A list page, get those done, then call up the B list page, and maybe narrow it down a little more depending on how many the venue holds/where we are in the budget/etc. 

TWmom

Lauren- actually, we might...for 2 reasons, 1 he is going to talk to some people...and his guest list are mostly family from california who may or may not be able to come.

Most of our b-list are people from our respective churchs, and people he works with...none of them know each other....

IF we decide to B list ill definantly try to make sure the b listers dont know...thanks for the suggestions about how to make sure they dont!
 
You guys actually answered most of my other questions...the only other thing would be..To the people who Successfully b listed:

How far in advance did you set the A list RSVP date and how much time did you give the B list to RSVP?

Blueyed228

I got B-listed a few times and found out a few different ways.  Either by getting the invitation after other friends have, or getting the invite with only a week or 2 untill the RSVP date and asking other invited people when they got theirs, or getting an invite to the wedding but not the shower/ not getting a save the date.  I have declined most of them.

No-one wants to be an after-thought.  I guess if you can figure out a way to do it so they dont find out, then its fine, but people talk and most of the time they find out.  At least in my experience they have.