My sister's deadbeat boyfriend...

shoegal715

UGH! 

I just got off the phone with him. This guy irritates me so much. They haven't been together for very long (less than a year), but I know my sister is head over heels... and I can't really figure out why.

He's so arrogant, and I don't think he's that in to my sister. They live 2 hours away from each other, but our cottage is only 20 minutes from his house. The whole family is going up to the cottage this weekend for my fiance's birthday, and when sister's boyfriend called tonight to speak to my sister, I asked him if he was coming up. He said: "I don't know. I have to wait to see if my friends are doing anything." 

I'm pretty protective (maybe too much) of family members and shiit like this, so I said in a friendly tone: "Are you saying my sister is second class? Why do you have to see what your friends are doing? You either want to come or you don't." He laughed it off.

UGH he drives me up the wall. He has a stupid lawn business he is trying to drum up, and all he does is push his sales onto people at get togethers...all.the.time.

I want to say something to my sister, but maybe I should just step off and let it be. What do you think? 

nda_roxybabe

It kind of sounds like you're overreacting. He is still allowed to have friends isn't he?

bethsmiles

I don't think its that big of a deal. Its your FI's birthday not your sister's. So what if he wants to hang out with his friends. You need to back off. Its your sister's life and her boyfriend. If you don't like him then when he calls for your sister just hand her the phone instead of starting a conversation with him.

shoegal715

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_sisters-deadbeat-boyfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8a52a829-1c5c-489e-82b9-895a08a18dbaPost:d63df8a0-bc3a-4bd0-b31d-a3450774ae5e">Re: My sister's deadbeat boyfriend...</a>:
[QUOTE]It kind of sounds like you're overreacting. He is still allowed to have friends isn't he?
Posted by nda_roxybabe[/QUOTE]

<div>Yeah, from my post, it sounds like I am. I wasn't very clear or detailed at all. He does this to her all..the..time. Every weekend he can't commit to see her until him and his friends have nothing planned. She's always a back-up plan. It's not just this weekend.</div>

Mioh1

Sorry to say this but there really ISN'T anything you can do. You're sister will not listen if you trash talk her b/f and she'll cling on more to him. All of my family hates my sister's b/f and he's been around for 10 years and she hasn't dumped him. So yeah... all you can hope is that someday she'll realize that she can do better.

trix1223

shoe:  I understand your frustration. But as they say:  love is blind....and deaf....and stupid.  And how about "there's no accounting for taste".

In your heart you know that if you say anything, your sister will get p!ssed at the wrong person:  you.  And he's clearly not worth losing your relationship with your sister.

So pray for wisdom on her part to see what he really is, and be ready to pick up the pieces for her when she does come to her senses.

GL

laurenclaire1386

I get where you're coming from, and I've been there. But telling your sibling how much you don't like/how wrong SO is for said sibling NEVER turns out well. And Trix is right, she'll end up mad at the wrong person. I'm sure eventually she'll see the douchebag side of him and break it off. Be patient. It took me three years to see my college boyfriend for what he was.

jennylove810

She'll wisen up in her own good time.  I'm pretty sure we've all had to wisen up thanks to some loser we were hanging out with at one point or another.

Confession: I once dated a 31 year old waiter at Applebee's who couldn't be bothered to go to college, lived at home with his parents, and had lost his license & car to DUI at 26 but never cared enough to get it back.  Driving his broke ass around was great times.

Yep, we all have winners in our past.

soontobeschooley

Bad idea to say anything.  My sister is so smart, beautiful and talented but dates the biggest losers on the planet!!  I used to say something to her about how much better she could do, but she would get angry and defensive.  I learned to back off.  She is smart and she will see them for what they are.  Have faith your sister will do the same!

Sloane99

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_sisters-deadbeat-boyfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8a52a829-1c5c-489e-82b9-895a08a18dbaPost:e278e6e1-1dc4-4a16-bd0c-7e3824a82a2b">Re: My sister's deadbeat boyfriend...</a>:
[QUOTE]She'll wisen up in her own good time.  I'm pretty sure we've all had to wisen up thanks to some loser we were hanging out with at one point or another. Confession: I once dated a 31 year old waiter at Applebee's who couldn't be bothered to go to college, lived at home with his parents, and had lost his license & car to DUI at 26 but never cared enough to get it back.  Driving his broke ass around was great times. Yep, we all have winners in our past.
Posted by jennylove810[/QUOTE]

Exactly this, except mine was a McDonald's manager and I was 17 and substitute DUI for covering his rent a few times - note that rent was for Mommy's basement. I smartened up eventually and was really grateful to the people that were somewhat non-judgemental while we were dating. Even though I'm quite certain that my parents and some friends could have happily hurt him.

The only thing you can do is be there. That and ask questions that lead her to water, like "does it bother you that he couldn't be here this weekend? Have you talked to him about that?"

jennylove810

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_sisters-deadbeat-boyfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8a52a829-1c5c-489e-82b9-895a08a18dbaPost:cb250e8c-1dde-4f31-bacc-fdd39ce3e1db">Re: My sister's deadbeat boyfriend...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My sister's deadbeat boyfriend... : Exactly this, except mine was a McDonald's manager and I was 17 and substitute DUI for covering his rent a few times - note that rent was for Mommy's basement. I smartened up eventually <strong>and was really grateful to the people that were somewhat non-judgemental while we were dating.</strong> Even though I'm quite certain that my parents and some friends could have happily hurt him. The only thing you can do is be there. That and ask questions that lead her to water, like "does it bother you that he couldn't be here this weekend? Have you talked to him about that?"
Posted by Sloane99[/QUOTE]

Oh yeah, this definitely.  To this day, my friends and family just pretend he didn't happen, and I really appreciate that.

tdso008

Hi Shoegal -

I know what you're going through, I have a BIL who drives me crazy.  Not for the same reason, my BIL is self-centered, a bore, and needs anger management. 

Maybe you should secretly be happy that he's not coming...

Is your sister comfortable in this situation?

miah_23_ncb

you just have to be there for her when she needs you. she has to decide if he is worth her time. yes its frutrating because you can see him for who he really is, just give her time and be there for her w/o judging him.

HKD817

I speak from experience when I say to let it be and run its course. My sister has a boyfriend who sounds exactly the same. I did say something to her about and it caused a huge rift between the two of us. She is young and in love and didnt want to hear anything negative. I should have kept my mouth shut and let their relationship runs its course. I know it wont last but she doesnt think that. All i ended up doing was hurting her feelings and now we barely speak. Her loyalty stayed with her boyfriend, not her family. So now we speak every so often and we dont do anything together anymore because she knows I hate her boyfriend. I'll be surprised if she even comes to my wedding just to prove a point.