Need to Vent, sorry it's long

abell1015

So FI and I had our first fight last night.  He always calls me when I get done with work (he works as a waiter and doesn't get home till late).  So yesterday he mentions he has something to tell me but doesn't want to upset me before dinne (my older brother and his new wife were in from out of town), of course I said what's going on.  He tells me that he has invited his friend to stay with us indefinatly.  Two things are really bothering me about this, first that he didn't even bother to ask me if that was ok.  He just says yes to his friend even though we live in a small apartment and they both work late and I leave for work early.  Second is that this friend takes complete advantage of him.  I know for a fact that if the situation was flipped his friend would not offer his place to live.  He is constantly borrowing money from him, only calls him when he needs something.  I understand that they are friends but he needs to take into account that it is not just him in the appartment.  I told him that this friend could not stay with us, since I know that once he moves in he'll stay with us forever and would not contribute anything to the household.  My FI doesn't understand why I got so upset about this and why he can't stay with us.  Am I wrong to not want someone who takes advantage moving in with us, especially when there is no set timeline.  My FI offered to help him find a new apartment but his friend said no, just proving my point.  Sorry it's so long but I really needed to get this off my chest.

P.S. we did talk about it and for right now he is not moving in with us.
P.P.S initially he was not going to tell me right away but was going to call me from the metro station saying that we're on our way.

christinelyn0131

Seriously!? Men are so stupid.

That's really not cool, and you're not in the wrong. It's good that that was your first big fight though. I'm glad you put your foot down. That guy sounds like a real tool.

loop0406

I agree with PP. 

I wouldn't want to hear someone would live with us 'indefinitely'.

If he borrows money from your fiance regularly, I would be upset about that too. Once married, I would like to think we're a team and money matters like this example need to be discussed in advance.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Well, glad to hear that it worked out well... but yeah, your fiance did not handle that situation appropriately at all.

I mean - even if he would have asked you before hand, perhaps it could have been a more pleasant experience (even if there is no way in hell you were going to let this guy move in with you).

You should sit down and have a talk with your fiance and set some boundaries.  Tell him that if there is someone (who isn't a total sponge like this friend of his) who does need help, that you and your fiance would be more than willing to help but the two of you need to discuss the arrangements first and come to an agreement before and final decision is made.  Some decisions are okay to make on your own but if it involves moving someone in your home?  That needs to be okay before they're on their way home from the train station.

JZags

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_need-vent-sorry-its-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8bb581fd-4973-4a1b-8262-189e87a63fc8Post:a0533888-3eda-4c18-aa32-910ad71ba348">Re: Need to Vent, sorry it's long</a>:
[QUOTE]You should sit down and have a talk with your fiance and set some boundaries.  Tell him that if there is someone (who isn't a total sponge like this friend of his) who does need help, that you and your fiance would be more than willing to help but the two of you need to discuss the arrangements first and come to an agreement before and final decision is made.  Some decisions are okay to make on your own but if it involves moving someone in your home?  That needs to be okay before they're on their way home from the train station.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

This! Great advice!
Glad everything worked out in the long run, and like all PPs said, you are NOT crazy for being mad at first.

abell1015

Thanks for all the great advice everyone

clairebear0511

I know the feeling, my fiances sister wanted to move in with us for about 2 months in the summer. Shes 19 but out of control, we just finished buying a home in May. I told him we couldn't have her living with us because we are barely starting off living together and there would be many problems with her. He completely understood, but there has been times where he does not advise or lets me know about things. I get really upset, I tell him that now its not only him, its two of us now.

You did a good thing letting him know how you felt, I hope it gets better.

skyler1108

You are completely right your FI should not have made this decision without talking to you first. When you are engaged to someone you are in a partnership so things of this large of nature need to be decided as a team, not solo. You have every right to not let this friend move in with you. He is a grown man and you are not his mother so you should not have to support this person. Stand your ground on this because you are right.