Mother vs Stepmother: HELP!

petebergsh

A little background:
My parets divorced 23 years ago because my dad cheated on my mom with my stepmother. It wasn't a nasty divorce per se, and my parents get along fine, but my mom really hates my stepmother. In the last 23 years they have been in the same room only a few times and have never spoken. This is the part of wedding planning I have been dreading because they will essentially have to spend the day together (plus showers, etc.)

The dilemma: My dad cannot afford to give me any money for the wedding, which I understand. My mother however wants to pay for the entire recpetion, which we appreciate greatly, but last night she dropped the bomb on me that she doesn't want to pay for any of my stepmothers family to attend the wedding (I am attending my step cousins wedding this summer). Ok, that's fine, but I'm still going to invite them, I can't NOT invite these people. My FI can give her the money to invite them, and that is okay with us, but I feel like this is just the beginning of the drama.

The question: Has anyone else had a problem similar to this? What did you do?
I plan on keeping them as separate as I can, but really, I'm starting to think this shouldn't be my problem since I don't have a problem with either of them.

biz717

You're right: it shouldn't be your problem. They are adults, they are both in your life, and you shouldn't have to be having this conversation. But...

It's very generous of your mom to offer you money but (as everyone on this board will tell you) money comes with strings attached. Have you told her that you're inviting these people regardless? It may come down to having to decline her offer in order to avoid the argument about the guest list. Hopefully Mom will be able to be an adult and put her feelings aside so you all can enjoy this time together.

Good luck!

NcsuPsych

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_mother-vs-stepmother-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8c85c7d5-c5a2-496a-af91-1b2e80848755Post:ce969091-e4fd-4498-a379-92b67556b7d9">Mother vs Stepmother: HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]A little background: My parets divorced 23 years ago because my dad cheated on my mom with my stepmother. It wasn't a nasty divorce per se, and my parents get along fine, but my mom really hates my stepmother. In the last 23 years they have been in the same room only a few times and have never spoken. This is the part of wedding planning I have been dreading because they will essentially have to spend the day together (plus showers, etc.) The dilemma: My dad cannot afford to give me any money for the wedding, which I understand. My mother however wants to pay for the entire recpetion, which we appreciate greatly, but last night she dropped the bomb on me that she doesn't want to pay for any of my stepmothers family to attend the wedding (I am attending my step cousins wedding this summer). Ok, that's fine, but I'm still going to invite them, I can't NOT invite these people. My FI can give her the money to invite them, and that is okay with us, but I feel like this is just the beginning of the drama. The question: Has anyone else had a problem similar to this? What did you do? I plan on keeping them as separate as I can, but really, <strong>I'm starting to think this shouldn't be my problem since I don't have a problem with either of them.</strong>
Posted by petebergsh[/QUOTE]

You're right. It shouldn't be your problem and while I can see where your mothers bitterness towards your stepmother comes from, she should still be able to act like an adult. Plus, the person her bitterness should really be aimed at would be your father(I'm glad they have a good relationship though). Again, all should ideally be able to act like adults for at least one day.

With money comes strings, no matter what is said. I think you're doing the right thing as far as paying for your stepmothers family goes. It sucks that your mother wants to cut them out, especially since those individuals had nothing to do with the affair and they're a part of your life.

Not to be a debbie downer, but you're probably going to run into a few more demands ('requests') and they may not be easy. If I were in your position, I would probably have a sit down with my mother and explain to her my feelings and that I would hope she would be able to be an adult. I'd also see what else she's planning on having her input on so that I would get a picture of what to expect. If it seems like she's going to take control of it all, I would respectfully decline the financial assistance and plan a wedding that we could afford to pay for on our own. (I hope that makes sense).

petebergsh

Thank you very much for your advice, it is immensly helpful. I agree that there are definitely strings attached, and we are very lucky to have so many people who love us and want to help with with the wedding. I love my mother very very much and want to respect her wishes, so I think it would be best if we offered to pay for my stepmothers family to attend because I really do want them there. I want to make everyone happy (I completely realize that this isnt going to happen) so I am going to do my best to put out any potential fires. Otherwise, leave me out of it.

cwaggoner07

Girl, I am going through a VERY similar thing with FI's family. The only positive is that his mom isn't paying for a cent of the wedding, so she doesn't have any sway.
When his parents got divorced, FI was 2 and his dad got full custody and his stepmom RAISED him, until they divorced when FI was 17. Now FI's mother is threatening not to go to the wedding if she is invited, since she isn't married to FI's dad anymore. But that was his MOM for his entire childhood, AND she is the mom to his two half-siblings.
I don't know much about either of them, but they both sound BSC to me. As far as his mom, we decided if she doesn't want to show up, that's her decision and her loss, and I think you have a good head about the situation, and all you can do is be pleasant to everyone.

ElleB87

Wow it really sucks that after 23 years your mom is still holding a grudge and is ultimately taking it out on you. I don't really have anything to add as fas as advice because the PP's covered everything. I hope everything works out in the end for you.

NinaSchwab

Hmm... I think traditionally, if your mother is paying for the entire wedding, then she does have some say in the matter. It's pretty awesome that she's paying for all of it- my mom is paying for a decent portion of mine, but she can't afford the whole thing. Personally, I would lean towards letting her have some control over the guest list... Weddings are so political, it's crazy. Good luck!!!!

JoshLovesJekka

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_mother-vs-stepmother-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8c85c7d5-c5a2-496a-af91-1b2e80848755Post:c56839e2-538b-4de6-ad61-4a020ad07cfa">Re: Mother vs Stepmother: HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]Hmm... I think traditionally, if your mother is paying for the entire wedding, then she does have some say in the matter. It's pretty awesome that she's paying for all of it- my mom is paying for a decent portion of mine, but she can't afford the whole thing. <font color="#ff00ff">Personally, I would lean towards letting her have some control over the guest list</font>... Weddings are so political, it's crazy. Good luck!!!!
Posted by NinaSchwab[/QUOTE]

*Some* control would be reasonable, cutting out a side of a family because she doesn't like one person is pretty unreasonable. Especially if OP is more then willing to cover the cost for them.

petebergsh

Thanks everyone!! She's only paying for the reception, FI and I are responsible for everything else. She's an awesome person and I love her (obviously, she's my mom!), but I'm also trying to have a happy medium. :-)

Thanks again for the feedback, it's been super helpful!