Destination wedding dilemma

hotredash411

My fiance and I always dreamed of having a destination wedding. We are newly engaged and trying to set a date. We dropped the idea of getting married in Ireland to both are families and no one had any complaints. Now that we are engaged and trying to set a date my fiances mother decided they could not afford to go. Remember we are not planning on getting married for two years (lots of time to save). She is guilt tripping him into not having it in Ireland.....Whose wedding is it? I would love some input on what we should do.....I am all for doing it anyways but I do not want to make my fiance upset. HELP!

MyNameIsNot

Well, you and your FI need to reach an agreement first.  While 2 years seems like a long time to save up for a trip, when you don't know the intimate details of another person's financial situation (especially in this economy) it's possible that it just isn't an option, regardless of how much notice.  (For ex, I know of several couples in their 50's that took big hits to their retirements last year and are having to cut out extra stuff like that to save extra money so that they can still retire.)

Your FI probably knows if they are just bluffing or if they are being sincere.  What does he think?  If they're honest about this, the two of you need to decide which is more important: getting married in Ireland or getting married with his parents there. 

mocha beans

If you choose to have a DW, you have to accept the fact that some people may not be willing or able to travel to it, especially across an ocean and to a foreign country.  Two years may seem like a long time for you to save, but you probably have no idea what his parents' finances are like, so you have no right to say she should be able to save the money.  A trip like that will easily cost a few thousand when it's all said and done, and given the economy they may very well no have that much money sitting around unused, even in two years.  A lot of people lost a good deal of their retirement money, so every little bit counts when you get within 10-20 years of retiring.

You cannot guilt trip her into coming, as she cannot guilt trip you into having a wedding here.  But it sounds like it's unlikely that she'll be unable to come, so if you have a DW then that's the way it's going to be.

You're going to have to have a serious discussion with FI about his thoughts about it.  If he really wants his family at the wedding, you're going to have do a local wedding, and not do Ireland.  Compromise is the name of the game here.

We're doing a DW in Hawaii, and have grappled with these questions too.  You have to decide what is most important, having your dream DW without his family, or having a wedding with his family and foregoing the DW.

But whatever you do, don't stomp your feet and demand an Ireland wedding at the expense of family attending.  In the end, you have to be around them for the rest of your lives, and throwing a fit and making them unable to make it to the wedding so you can have your dream wedding is not a good way to start out.

hotredash411

As hard as that is to read it is so true. We talked about it briefly and the conversation he had with his mother just happened tonight. She was being really dramatic which leads me to believe she has not even looked into the cost and he feels the same way. I need to contact a travel agent or someone who can give her a realistic idea of what the cost is going to be. It is so early for her to bring the drama.....we both laughed about eloping but I wonder if that won't end up being the case. I do not have the patience to plan a wedding for our families and not for ourselves.

mocha beans

Now you sound kinda dramatic.  FMIL has some very valid concerns, I wouldn't be so quick to call her dramatic.

MyNameIsNot

Dear god, that is hard to read.  The whole first paragraph is one long sentence.  Maybe I should go to bed.

It sounds like you are still reacting and upset.  Give it a few days to smooth over.  Talk to a travel agent and get them to do a mock up of a package for her, so she knows what kind of money you're talking about.  (Though it will only be an estimate, flights don't come out that early.)  Let her digest it for a couple of weeks and then talk about it again, but have FI be the one to talk to her. 

If you're not up for planning a party and your FI is down with eloping, maybe just the two of you should go to Ireland. 

SarahPLiz

In the end, if you want an Ireland wedding and you want her there but she can't afford it, then you and FI need to fit her travel expenses into your budget.

Koopa17

My FI and I had a similar situation when we first got engaged...we both wanted to get married somewhere in the Carribean, but his grandparents wouldn't have been able to afford it and wouldn't have allowed anyone to pay their way.  So for us, that immediately meant it was out of the picture, as he's always been very close to his grandparents.  It wasn't worth upsetting them, and I know he would have been upset not having them there on his wedding day.  Knowing he would be bothered AT ALL meant it was out of the question for me, too. 

I think you need to talk to him and really figure out where his priorities are...is he more concerned with having his mom/parents there, or more concerned with having a wedding in Ireland? While yes, it's YOUR wedding, it's still the blending of your two families, blah blah.  If all else fails, honeymoon in Ireland...?

banana468

I think you need to figure out how much that will cost.  However if in the end his parents say that they wouldn't attend, you need to decide if it's worth it. 

Mrs.B6302007

If you end up not having a DW, bring  Ireland to you as your "theme"(in the loosest sense of the word). 

hotredash411

If you could have heard the conversation you may feel differently. It was definately a little over the top. When she asked my fiance what my mother thought, and he told her she wanted to go, she told my fiance at least one family member would be there. She was not having a resonible conversation with him. She said some really mean things to him and I honestly think she was expecting him to say okay mom we won't have it in Ireland. When that was not his response she got even more upset.

duckie1905

Regardless of how she reacted and how you feel about her reaction, if you want your wedding in Ireland and she sticks to her guns and says she can't afford it the you both need to decide what is more important.  You can't control her feelings and despite how you feel about her reaction, neither you or your FI will ever be 100% sure of her financial situation. 

Look into a package so you can give her a very rough estimate of the cost.  Give her the info, let her think on it for a few weeks, then have your FI approach her about it.

If her opinion changes then great.  If not, you and your FI will need to decide if he can get married without her there, if you can afford her trip, or if it is worth it to get married somewhere else and honeymoon in Ireland (or perhaps incorporate it into your theme).

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_destination-wedding-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:90d15480-4694-4c1d-809e-5d5c7b4dfe2ePost:24a94d84-15c6-4762-8ea2-7c31cf9f6abf">Re: Destination wedding dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]If you could have heard the conversation you may feel differently. It was definately a little over the top. When she asked my fiance what my mother thought, and he told her she wanted to go, she told my fiance at least one family member would be there. She was not having a resonible conversation with him. She said some really mean things to him and I honestly think she was expecting him to say okay mom we won't have it in Ireland. When that was not his response she got even more upset.
Posted by hotredash411[/QUOTE]

She may be upset b/c she honestly can't go & she will be very very hurt if she doesn't see her son married. If your MIL is not at the wedding & wants to be there expect all following family functions to be very uncomfortable, if not hellish.