monster in law..

knedwards1

I need some advice. My soon to be mother in law is demanding we have no alochol at our wedding, which is fine for the most part. But she is also demanding that my dress and the brides maids dresses (one of them is her 25 year old daughter) be neck high. Litterally. I am trying to please everyone, but I am loosing myself and what I really want at my wedding. How do I deal with this? Did I also mention I am a 20 year old bride and all my girls are 20 as well? We don't want to be competly covered up, and I want strapless for our dresses. But my mother in law is throwing a huge fit. Help?

ChristineNB

Who is paying for the wedding you or your mother-in-law?  If your mother-in-law is paying then she has a right to a say in how things are down.  However if you and your fiance are paying for your own wedding then do it however you want, as it is your wedding.

knedwards1

My father is paying for everything, including the rehersal dinner because she's upset we are having it in my home town.

ChristineNB

If your father is paying for it then do things however you and yoru fiance would like.

However, it sounds like you are starting out as part of your new family on a rocky start.  I hope you and your mother-in-law are able to get along later on.

knedwards1

We get along as long as everything is how she wants it. It doesn't matter what me and my finace wants. But thank you

ChristineNB

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_monster-in-law-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:93252584-c9f1-4152-93c9-9cac56bd00e0Post:6d644f6d-e5eb-4298-9678-9ef3cd8676e0">Re: monster in law..</a>:
[QUOTE]We get along as long as everything is how she wants it. It doesn't matter what me and my finace wants. But thank you
Posted by knedwards1[/QUOTE]
Wow, I know you said you are only 20, but I can not imagine getting married and knowing that what me and my future husband wants doesn't matter.  Something is very wrong with that statement.

knedwards1

I know. WEre ready for our life together. The way I see it, she will loose her say in anything once were married. My fiance doesn't want her to have anything to do with our wedding, or life. I'm lucky my parents are so supportive in what we want. I just wish it was the same for his side.

AbbynBrian13

I feel your pain.. only its some of my family acting like that. saying this has to be this way or that way. I hate when people sayi if someone is helping pay for your wedding it has to be the way they want it. NO IT DOESNT!! Nobody has to help pay for a penny, if they dont like your choices then they dont need to help.. Its your wedding, stick to your guns!!!! I am also 20 and i cant imagine wearing a neck high dress!

AMYM312

Maybe wait until you and FI are of drinking age so you can at least have some champagne on your wedding day. FMIL does not have a say in what you or FI wears. Make sure you put your foot down. But I understand the alcohol thing could be a huge liability if most of your friends are under drinking age.

knedwards1

We will all be of drinking age when we get married.  It's the best idea for me and him to get married young. She just doesn't approve of drinking no matter what age.

knedwards1

We are of the same religon, and he is not like his mother. He does not drink, and nor do I, but our friends do. She just wants things a certain way because she disapproves of me. And the real reason she disapproves of me is I had cancer, and she thinks this will effect her son is the most horrendous way. I've been in remisson for years, and it doesn't bother my fiance. Her daughter is so sscared of her mother that she will do or wear whatever she tells her to.

knedwards1

My girls decided they wanted me to pick them (they stand up for what I want). Because they want what I want for my wedding, and no nothing has been bought yet because I can't please everyone. Thank you by the way! I know which dress my girls want, and I love it, but FMIL and FSIL is not happy because it is one shoulder.

goobersinlove

PP's have given a lot of great advice!  To reiterate, she can demand, pout, push, and throw fits all she wants... that doesn't mean you have to give in. 

I have a FMIL who is similarly manipulative (in things NWR), and FI and I stand as a unit to not give into her tactics because that behavior is not acceptable.

Remember that what you do now sets a precident for how you can and will be treated by your FMIL in the future.  If she learns that she can bully you into submission to get what she wants, she will continue to do so.  If she learns that she can't, then she won't.

Taking FMIL out of the picture re: the bridesmaids dresses - your FSIL has a problem with the BM dress because it's one shoulder?  To please your FSIL, is it possible to let her pick a different kind of dress in the same color as the other girls?  Just a suggestion.

I would definitely leave FMIL out with any and ALL wedding planning.  I wouldn't discuss it with her, I wouldn't take her shopping, etc.  If she asks about something, I would simply tell her it was taken care of and that (whatever it is) will be a big surprise that she'll have to wait for the wedding to see.

StephBeanWed61502

Where is your FI in all of this?  Does he stand up to his mother on your behalf?  I would imagine a well placed "Hey Mom, butt out" from your FI would go a lot further with her than anything you could do or say.  Assuming your FI is on your side and stands up to her, I'd just run all communication with her through FI from now on.

renegade gaucho

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_monster-in-law-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:93252584-c9f1-4152-93c9-9cac56bd00e0Post:1a697354-8913-453c-9400-1d11c59de24b">Re: monster in law..</a>:
[QUOTE]I know. WEre ready for our life together.<strong> The way I see it, she will loose her say in anything once were married.</strong> My fiance doesn't want her to have anything to do with our wedding, or life. I'm lucky my parents are so supportive in what we want. I just wish it was the same for his side.
Posted by knedwards1[/QUOTE]

If you believe this, you are really naive.  Please head on over to the nest and read about what happens when you choose to marry a mama's boy with an overbearing mother.  If she meddles in your life now, she will continue to do it after the wedding, and it will get worse.

You say your fiance doesn't want her to have anything to do with your wedding or life, but what has he done to draw boundaries with her?  Why didn't he stop speaking to her after she said she doesn't approve of you because you're a cancer survivor?  If your fiance were handling his mom the way he should be, you wouldn't be here asking how to deal with her.  You wouldn't need to because he would have already told her to mind her own business.  Today it's bridemaid dresses, in the future it will be how you're spending your money, how you take care of your house, how you raise your children.

I'm not sure why you think getting married young is the best idea, given the huge red flags present here.  Some people are ready for marriage at your age, but the dynamics of your relationship indicate that you and your fiance are not those people.

caterpillar85

If you like the one shoulder BM dress I say get them. Maybe give the FSIL the option of wearing a little jacket or whatever they are called, or a different dress, same color.

I would sit down with FI and FMIL and just say "While I am taking your requests in consideration, it is our wedding, and if there is something that FI and I agree on, then we will do it that way. While the three of us don't drink, most of our guests will want to, and I want to accomodate them, they are OUR guests."

Prove to her that you two, while young, are still adults and can take care of this by yourselves. I would still keep her involved a little, if she is this overbearing now then who knows how she will act if you cut her off completely... EEK!

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_monster-in-law-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:93252584-c9f1-4152-93c9-9cac56bd00e0Post:1a697354-8913-453c-9400-1d11c59de24b">Re: monster in law..</a>:
[QUOTE] The way I see it, she will loose her say in anything once were married. Posted by knedwards1[/QUOTE]

Yes, because wedding rings change everything.

Why isn't your FI standing up to her?

chelseamb11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_monster-in-law-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:93252584-c9f1-4152-93c9-9cac56bd00e0Post:97fb0e21-1e88-4533-892e-791f6a77d0ce">Re: monster in law..</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: monster in law.. :<strong> If you believe this, you are really naive.  Please head on over to the nest and read about what happens when you choose to marry a mama's boy with an overbearing mother.  If she meddles in your life now, she will continue to do it after the wedding, and it will get worse. You say your fiance doesn't want her to have anything to do with your wedding or life, but what has he done to draw boundaries with her?  Why didn't he stop speaking to her after she said she doesn't approve of you because you're a cancer survivor?  If your fiance were handling his mom the way he should be, you wouldn't be here asking how to deal with her.  You wouldn't need to because he would have already told her to mind her own business.  Today it's bridemaid dresses, in the future it will be how you're spending your money, how you take care of your house, how you raise your children.</strong> I'm not sure why you think getting married young is the best idea, given the huge red flags present here.  Some people are ready for marriage at your age, but the dynamics of your relationship indicate that you and your fiance are not those people.
Posted by renegade gaucho[/QUOTE]

I agree with the bolded. You might THINK it'll get better, but you have no way of knowing that.  I don't get how a ring on both your fingers will make her stop nagging.  He needs to stand up to her NOW.

knedwards1

First thing, you don't know me or my finace. He won't speak to his mother because I don't want them to fight. He doesn't agree with his mother in anything. Second, I am not naive. There is no need for you to be rude or make rude comments. "yes because rings change everything". My children are my children, and me and Paden are the only ones who have a say in anything to do with their lives. So yes, I know I will not listen to her once we are married. And to have my soon to be husnbad not have a relationship because of me? That's a grand idea. Except I'm not the kind of person to allow that. So again, do not be rude to someone you have never met not spoken to.

renegade gaucho

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_monster-in-law-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:93252584-c9f1-4152-93c9-9cac56bd00e0Post:27d5a8e8-e13a-4a7b-92f0-f0bf08d8f340">Re: monster in law..</a>:
[QUOTE]First thing, you don't know me or my finace. He won't speak to his mother because I don't want them to fight. He doesn't agree with his mother in anything. Second, I am not naive. There is no need for you to be rude or make rude comments. "yes because rings change everything". My children are my children, and me and Paden are the only ones who have a say in anything to do with their lives.<strong> So yes, I know I will not listen to her once we are married.</strong> And to have my soon to be husnbad not have a relationship because of me? That's a grand idea. Except I'm not the kind of person to allow that. So again, do not be rude to someone you have never met not spoken to.
Posted by knedwards1[/QUOTE]

So why listen to her now?   If you're able to stand up for yourselves when it comes to your kids, why can't you stand up for yourselves when it comes to the fairly trivial matters of bridesmaid dresses and wedding reception decisions?

You've contradicted yourself a few times.  I guess I'm not really sure what you were looking for with your post, since you're now saying that your FMIL doesn't cause problems for you.    So good luck with your marriage, I guess?

twotimemob

Congratulations on your cancer being in remission!

You really have to stop sharing information with your FMIL.  Try to NEVER discuss the wedding.  And if she brings it up, say, thanks but we already took care of _______.  Or say, thanks, we'll consider it.  She's probably thinking you're young and naive, and can wrangle you the way she wants.  It's hard but you have to nip it in the bud.

Seriously, what is UP with groom's mothers?  My daughter is also facing a FMIL who constantly tries to meddle, cries (yes, cries!) that she is not involved, has verbally invited over 90 people when we capped everyone's list at 60, and refuses to pay a dime.

NinaSchwab

Ha!! Do you watch The Office? There's this scene where Michael Scott is talking to Pam's grandma and he's all "Meema, I think you need to chill out. It's not 1890,". Anyway, sorry your MIL is being such a drag! My friend had a "dry" wedding a few years back and it was booooring. And all everyone could talk about it how there was no alcohol, and speculating on who made that deciscion? It obviously wasn't the bride because she used to drink a lot in college... Or... Maybe she's an alcoholic and that's why...? Seriously, so much gossip. Save yourself the hassle and bring on the booze!!!