This may or may not be long, so I appologize in advance if it is.
After going to the mailbox yesterday I was excited that we had received our DVD of engagement photos. I texted my fiance at work and told him I'd wait till he got off work and we'd watch them together. After he got home, we had tons of running around to do with the kids, so we didn't get home till 9. We put the kids to bed and put the DVD into the dvd player and started to watch. I was so excited to see the amazing pictures, but it quickly turned from excitement to anger to sadness to who knows what. The pictures were great and our photographer did an amazing job. But, as the photos kept moving along on the screen, I kept getting more and more upset.
I realized just how over weight I am and I never use to be. I had 2 kids (which means 2 C-sections) and 4 surgeries on my abdomen. I've gained 130 pounds since highschool when I was a nice size 9. I guess seeing these pictures, just started to make me realize what I use to look like and I really got disgusted with myself and how I look and how sad I am.
I try to exercise, but I have an autoimmune disease that affects my joints and back horribly, so I am limited to what I can and can not do (I can barely walk/stand for 10 min without being in severe pain). I try to do any little bit of exercise I can and I try to eat right. But, nothing seems to help. I am on steroids (which I know causes weight gain) and many other meds which can affect weight.
My fiance tells me all the time that I'm beautiful, but I don't ever believe him. I just go with it, nod my head and say thanks. I have a past of an abusive boyfriend (my sons sperm donor) who never told me I was pretty. Criticized me for gaining weight while pregnant. Told me I was a piece of sh*t. No one thinks I'm attractice, etc.
I'm kind of afraid to have a photog at the wedding because of how I'll feel. Actually, I'm scared to even get into my dress now because of what i'll feel and what people will think about how I look.
Sorry for the long rant ladies, I'm just having a rough couple days!