Juggling work, wedding planning, AND a relationship??! Help!!

bluebeetle

I'm struggling with something here, and I have no one to really turn to for advice about it. So I thought, hey what about my fellow "knotties"!

My fiance and I both now have 2 jobs. He is working 2 full-time jobs and I have a part time and a full-time. We live together, yet somehow I am already sensing the distance growing between us. We have been a lot more irritable with each other lately, and I just think we don't have the energy to talk about things any more.

I should mention that before these 2nd jobs came about we lived together, we worked together, and we only have one car, so we also rode together, and we like it that way!

So this newfound lack of communication, which is leading to more arguing and annoyances, could be just because we aren't used to being apart, right?

Whatever the reason, it's not important really, my dillemma here is now that we are more like the rest of America (meaning we aren't constantly together) what do we  do to make sure our relationship continues to grow? obviously we are lacking time ...so how can we be sure our relationship doesn't suffer simply because we are trying to pay for our wedding?

Please help! I really need some advice!
Thank you!!

deepcovejackie

I think it would be good for you to make time for each other, but I know it's not always realistic.    How about if you and FI do something together, like take a course, or learn a new language and use it around your home?  Something to re-connect you two.  If it's gotten really bad, then talk to him about it, and problem-solve it together, as a team.

bluebeetle

it hasnt gotten too bad...i just wanna do something before it gets worse. like i said i do think that a lot of it has to do with the fact that we arent used to having this time away from each other. 

i love your idea of finding something to do together...so maybe i will look into that...thank you

Summer2011Bride

My FI and I aren't constantly together either. We both work full=time (and usually at opposing hours--me in the day, him at night) plus I'm going to Grad school. There are days we don't see each other until 10 PM and then go to bed shortly after. We also spent the first 4.5 years of our relationship long distance.

Making time for communication is the most important thing. When you ARE together, sit down and have a real conversation instead of being on the go. It was hard for us when we had stuff to get done to NOT do it and just sit and talk about things we needed to. Extra arguing also may be from added stress of the wedding, schedules, etc. I wouldn't worry about it--many couples argue more when wedding planning but still have very healthy relationships. Figure out WHY you are arguing and try to combat that. What types of things usually lead to fights? How do you solve fights? Talk it out? Give each other some space? Figure out what works.

If the wedding COSTS are what is stressful (what you implied from end of post), is it possible to postpone the wedding until you can more easily afford it? Killing yourselves to pay for a wedding you can't afford soon IS a huge stressor, and IMO, not necessary. You will still love each other and have a great relationship if you wait. Of course, I don't know all the details, but I know this worked for a friend of mine--they put the wedding off for a year and were able to save more and have the wedding they truly wanted, no stress.

So just a few things to think about.

NillaWafer10

Marriage counseling might help with the new communication problems.  I loved ours, because we learned so many new tools.  

As for spending time together, I would set a priority date night each week.  It cannot be canceled, and you take turns planning what you will be doing.  

If you don't mind me asking, why the necessity for all of the extra work?  Are you guys trying to save up for the wedding?

DNAtime

I agree with Nilla.. My FI and I have "special date night" no homework, no cancellations, just the two of us for dinner and movie and face time. 
Make it a priority.  We also have set times of day in our routine when we touch base, just talk, or even call each other on the way home from work. 

Are the second jobs just for the wedding?  I would be concerned that wedding planning and paying is straining your relationship. You might want to re-think your game plan for the wedding if it s coming between you. 

bluebeetle

thank you for all your ideas...i think dna hit a great point...i think we need to just almost make a habit or routine out of it. to make sure it gets done. yes, we are working this much only till the wedding. so i know it wont always be like this but i guess my thing is i justt want to make sure we dont get too far away from spending time together and communicating that after the wedding we struggle to know each other again. does that make sense?

NillaWafer10

I know that a pretty princess day is what most women want for their wedding day, but is one party really worth all of those extra hours?  Maybe you could cut back a little bit so you both don't have to work as much.  Your wedding will be just as special if you don't have all the fluff.

garcias1

FI and I know the feeling.  I am a full-time student (in a lab 40 hours a week) and teach a class at nighttime.  FI is a full-time teacher and coaches two sports throughout the year.  We get in periods where we BARELY see each other.  It's definitely tough.  But like most relationships, it's going to take some work.  FI and I like to take a 20 minute walk together with the dog.  Or we run errands together.  We also have common interests, like football and snowmobiling.  We are in a fantasy football league together and try to snowmobile on the weekends, when we can.  It does get tough, but marriage takes work, as do most relationships.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_juggling-work-wedding-planning-relationship?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:980edc66-5774-4870-88be-d590be7a1c3cPost:bb6f7ab7-c23b-4fc6-8132-c48eadcb109e">Re: Juggling work, wedding planning, AND a relationship??! Help!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I know that a pretty princess day is what most women want for their wedding day, but is one party really worth all of those extra hours?  Maybe you could cut back a little bit so you both don't have to work as much.  Your wedding will be just as special if you don't have all the fluff.
Posted by NillaWafer10[/QUOTE]

This.

If paying for the wedding is causing this much strain on your relationship you really really need to sit down & rethink your plans. A wedding is not the important part, the relationship & marriage is. 

kmd0501

my FI and i are the same way.  He works a full time and 3 part time jobs, I have a full timeand 2 part time jobs.  I work nights, he works days...he also has a son.  We used to spend every minutes together (literally, we worked together for 13 hours a day in an ambulance together, then went home together) and now all of our communications is phone calls and txt.  It was very difficult at first but we found a way to negotiate a bit.  Every week, we look at our schedule and find a time where we can spend a little while together, even if it means meeting in between jobs to grab lunch or going to an afternoon movie.  FI is also super thoughtful and will occasionally leave me flowers at home, or cook me breakfast and leave it for me befoer he goes to work so i can eat when i get home.  If you both want to make the effort, you will find a way.

bluebeetle

thank you so much kmd...for whatever reason you have made me feel better...i appreciate all the other ideas, suggestions, comments, etc...and im taking them all to heart. i even sat down and told my fi some of the ideas last nite and he like them. but i think you kmd seem to reallly understand, since you guys used to spend all your time together. its hard isnt it? im sure we will get into a routine and it will get easier...i think i just wanted to make sure we got into a routine where we made sure to spend time together. we did that last nite. i got off work and i did the dishes whiile he made dinner then we sat down and ate and talked...no tv last nite. made me feel a lot bettter...

mattycam

Definately have a date night (once a week, bi-weekly). It doesn't have to require spending a lot of money. Rent a movie, play a board game etc. Another way to get your line of communication up is to simply ask how his day at work is. If it's not too corny, write little notes to eachother before you go to work. Slip it in his pocket/briefcase. These are simple suggestions to bring back the romance in your relationship without feeling distant.

kmd0501

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_juggling-work-wedding-planning-relationship?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:980edc66-5774-4870-88be-d590be7a1c3cPost:ac39a5d3-d33d-4016-8e75-4edefd7e3654">Re: Juggling work, wedding planning, AND a relationship??! Help!!</a>:
[QUOTE]thank you so much kmd...for whatever reason you have made me feel better...i appreciate all the other ideas, suggestions, comments, etc...and im taking them all to heart. i even sat down and told my fi some of the ideas last nite and he like them. but i think you kmd seem to reallly understand, since you guys used to spend all your time together. its hard isnt it? im sure we will get into a routine and it will get easier...i think i just wanted to make sure we got into a routine where we made sure to spend time together. we did that last nite. i got off work and i did the dishes whiile he made dinner then we sat down and ate and talked...no tv last nite. made me feel a lot bettter...
Posted by bluebeetle[/QUOTE]

it can be very difficultt at first.  I mean we literally went from seeing each other every minute of every day to barely ever seeing each other at all.  Even this Christmas Eve he had to miss dinner for work, and I will miss Christmas Day dinner for work.  But we really try to squeeze time in for each other.  Like I'm super excited for tomorrow morning because I will get home at 7am and he doesn't have work until 10am so we'll get some cuddle time!  We also make an effort to do our house related errands together, like food shopping and cleaning that way we aren't by ourselves and we can still talk about everything thats been going on.  It really will work itself out if you both apply the effort but im glad i could help make you feel better <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />

amilinia

I agree with NillaWafer10 all these hours will put a strain on your relationship and it may not be worth it in the end.

I think you guys are doing tooooooo much for this wedding. This wedding is suppose to be about you and him. The only things you need to have in this wedding is a bride, groom, minister, and two witnesses. So build on it  from there try starting with you ceremony and if you can not have a full reception serve cake and punch in a friends back yard. This experience is suppose to be fun for the both of you. Try spending more of your earned income on the honeymoon because this is for you two to enjoy. 

 Ask your FI is this what he really wants maybe he is just doing this for you? Sorry if this a repeat message from the other knotties post .