Chit Chat

Having a hard time

My BF and I got engaged at the end of October, and didn't start looking into things until mid-November. Since then, it's been nothing but stress and frustration. His Mom offered way too many venue suggestions that we had to look into. My parents think it's stupid for us to have a groomswoman and that our photos will look ridiculous. My sister said that our wedding colours (the first colours that fiancee and I could agree on) looked like vomit. I love the fact that fiancee wants to be involved with every little detail, but sometimes, it makes it really hard to come to an agreeable decision. I'm a graphic designer and plan to do our invitations, which I'm dreading doing. I don't want to shop for a wedding dress, and dread doing that as well. I feel like I'm drowning, am angry all the time, and just want it all to be over so we can go on a fabulous honeymoon.

Has anyone else gone through this? Felt this way? Wanted to choke those around you and tell them to butt out? What did you do? I'm so tired of being angry and unapproachable. Even my dogs are scared of me, as I've gone postal twice in the last week.
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Re: Having a hard time

  • When is your wedding? Who is paying for it? Unless you're on a short time schedule, relax and just enjoy being engaged for a while. I also got engaged in October, and haven't lifted a finger to do anything other than to start the process with our church, which can take over a year in our situation. Enjoy being engaged, breathe, and just take it one step at a time.
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  • It's on August 3, 2013. Fiancee and I are paying for everything except the food and my dress/accessories, which is being taken care of by my parents. His Mom is chipping in some, but we don't know what. Thanks Mandi, I think I do just have to sit back and enjoy the ride a little bit. I've been way too stressed, and it doesn't help that I haven't gotten a proper sleep in over a month, nor have I had any downtime. This kid is exhausted!
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  • Repeat after me "thanks for the advice/opinion. We'll consider it".     And then do, or don't.  But, don't let people badger you about your choices.  They are your color choices and your groomswomen or venues.  If your mom is paying for food, etc., she gets a little more of a say. But, his mom isn't paying for venues or anything, so, you can shut her down a little easier.  If you want to continue to include her, use the quote above, and then change the subject.

    I agree with the PPs about taking a few days off and don't talk wedding. But, since the wedding is in 8 months, I would get on booking that venue asap.
  • I'd take some time (a week or two, maybe until after the new year) off from wedding planning.  Get your FI on board with this plan too.  If people ask about your plans, say  your aren't planning until after X.  Reconnect with your FI around the things you like to do together.  Have a date night, watch cheesy holiday movies if you like that, do whatever you liked to do without the stress of wedding planning.

    After a cooling off period, start planning again, but start with just you and your FI.  Make a list of your priorities.  Decide what is most important to you both, to him and to you.  Give yourselves "assignments" (sorry, I can't think of a better word) so that each of you will take the lead on learning about those things.  This worked really well for DH and I.  The "researcher" would narrow down whatever to the best options for us and our budget and we'd make a final decision together.

    Don't take on more DIY than you are comfortable doing.  If you won't enjoy designing your own invitations, don't do them.  If you don't want to shop for a wedding dress, I'd look into places like J.Crew or Macy's, where you can order online, try items on at home and return.  Browsing might help you find something you like - or help you determine that salon growns are more your style. 

    Practice telling well-meaning relatives, 'Thank you we'll consider it" or "We've decided to do  <<insert your idea here />>".  Mean it.  If your FMIL wants to help, ask her for help finding a venue that mets certain criteria.  (Unless she's paying, then she does get a say.)  Ignore your mom about the groomswoman.  I truly believe, regardless of who is paying, the bridal party is only the business of the people getting married.  If she is operating from misinformation, answer her questions.  Ignore your sister about the colors. 

    Finally, if it's too much, and all you want to do is get to the honeymoon, have an honest conversation with your FI about that and what that might mean in terms of scaling down your plans in favor of having something more intimate (anywhere from eloping, to immediate family only, to only the people you'd call to help you bury the body).
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  • I agree with PP. Definitely don't let your family bully you and make planning a miserable experience! 

    And here. You can show your parents a pic of my ridiculous picture with a groomswoman in it. ;)
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  • Just because someone says you "have to" do or look into XYZ doesn't mean you actually have to. Be polite and thank them for the suggestion and then make your own decisions.

    Also, if you stop telling people things they won't have anything to comment on.
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  • As someone who has worked in the wedding industry and been a bride, avoid anything to do with your own field if at all possible. I realize you can't forgo invitations, but considering having someone else do them, and in a style different from your own. (I'm a cellist, and absolutely refused to hire a quartet since I knew I'd be way to focused on their skills to enjoy the music).
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  • Relax.  You have time to get everything together.  Since there are some items you need to get on top of, just focus on what you and FI prefer and don't listen to other's opinions.  I agree with PPs to acknowledge and thank them for their advice and then make your own decisions.  The most important thing now is to you get your venue.  I would book that ASAP - the majority of engagments happen between Christmas and New Years so venues will book up quickly right afterwards.  Try to book your venue before Christmas.  I'm sure the venue can help you with some vendor recommendations (photographer, florist, DJ/band).  I also DREADED going to try on wedding dresses.  It ended up being a really fun experience.  Flip through some magazines or websites and print out styles that you like.  Have a budget in mind for your dress. By doing these things, you won't have to try on too many dresses.  Then go dress shopping and bring only one or two people with you (or go alone if you don't want to hear the other's opinions).  Prioritize.  I would say establishing your budget, booking the venue, ordering the dress and booking the photographer are your top priorities right now.  I also suggesting getting a little notebook where you can write down ideas that you think of or see - I did this and found it extremely helpful when it came down to making decisions.

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  • PS. We had not only groomswomen, but they wore tuxes!!  OMG!   AND, my partner (the "groom") is female, and wore a tux too !!  AND, one ofthe groomswomen was 6 months pregnant (she was very happy she got to wear a tux instead of trying to cram her baby belly into a dress).  Blasphemy!  Everyone looked awesome.  
  • My sister is my matron of honour, and she needs to know our colours so that she can find a dress. We're changing our colours now though!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_having-a-hard-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:98331779-f707-4b18-94f5-cea790c00217Post:33f57bf2-244a-4b00-b65a-189eb2903f9e">Re: Having a hard time</a>:
    [QUOTE]My sister is my matron of honour, and she needs to know our colours so that she can find a dress. We're changing our colours now though!
    Posted by Alesha1978[/QUOTE]

    Well, I hope you didnt let her bully you into changing your colors.  You can say "this is our color."  End of story/discussion.  This is the one time where I actually agree with the "it's YOUR wedding" language. You do get to pick your own colors.  She is entitled not to like them and choose to not be in the wedding if she hates them that much, but seriously, you don't need to change your wedding colors to accomodate anyone.
  • Our reception venue is booked; the ceremony will be in my parents' rather large backyard. Our DJ is someone who is a high school bandmate of mine from years ago, and he also came highly recommended. We're interviewing a photographer (future hubby's cousin) this week, and we're in contact with a commissioner. I think we're doing pretty well, considering that my ring still isn't back from being resized. We're early in the game. I just hate the fact that loads of people (who have already had their wedding day) give such forceful opinions.

    As for dresses, my Mom and sister are going. I definitely want my sister there, as she is way more fashion forward than I am, and I don't want to choose something that doesn't suit my body. I also want her to see it beforehand so that she doesn't comment on how awful it is the day OF the wedding. I don't want to walk down the aisle in yoga pants and tee-shirt!
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  • I enjoyed looking at your photos – thanks! You guys all looked fabulous!


    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_having-a-hard-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:98331779-f707-4b18-94f5-cea790c00217Post:9223645d-341f-4689-af72-6e24de6b2d6a">Re: Having a hard time</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree with PP. Definitely don't let your family bully you and make planning a miserable experience!  And here. You can show your parents a pic of my ridiculous picture with a groomswoman in it. ;)
    Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]
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  • I'm sorry you're going through this! 
    People are going to offer your advice or their opinions on everything. Someone told me to do this and now I'm telling you. Take every comment or opinion, consider it for 5 minutes. Then move on. Whether you like it or don't, let everyone think youre considering what they say, then do it your way.

    I was having a hard time with our wedding. In fact I sometimes still struggle with it. I'm planning my fiancé's wedding, I'm not planning my wedding. Sure I picked the flowers and the colours but I feel like the wedding itself is not at all what I wanted and it upsets me when I think about it. 

    There was a time where I had constant tension headaches becuase I was so upset about this whole thing until I eventually just gave up. I'm looking forward to the ceremony and to the honeymoon. Everything in between... MEH.... Its one stupid expensive party that I can do without, but will host anyway.

    You're not alone on this. Just keep your head up. Possible take a break for a couple weeks and then get on the same page as FI (easier said than done, I know). At the end of the day, all that matters is you married your sweetheart and youre happy. The rest is all details.
    ~~Sept 2013 Brides - January Siggy - Floral Inspiration~~ Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_having-a-hard-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:98331779-f707-4b18-94f5-cea790c00217Post:9e9622f7-a6a7-4f23-8737-ec8e7d8eb165">Re: Having a hard time</a>:
    [QUOTE]PS. We had not only groomswomen, but they wore tuxes!!  OMG!   AND, my partner (the "groom") is female, and wore a tux too !!  AND, one ofthe groomswomen was 6 months pregnant (she was very happy she got to wear a tux instead of trying to cram her baby belly into a dress).  Blasphemy!  Everyone looked awesome.  
    Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

    I'm having not only a best man, he's also trans! BLOW PEOPLES MINDS.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_having-a-hard-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:98331779-f707-4b18-94f5-cea790c00217Post:424a80f3-5032-479c-aebf-72a48de55812">Re: Having a hard time</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Having a hard time : I'm having not only a best man, he's also trans! BLOW PEOPLES MINDS.
    Posted by ahstillwell[/QUOTE]


    Awesome!  All three of the people in tuxes in the photo below have vaginas!  Talking about blowing of minds!!  ;) 

    <a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/7/12/f745c101-0597-4402-bc87-2adc46d65855.large.jpg" title="Click to view a larger photo" class="PhotoLink"><img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/7/12/f745c101-0597-4402-bc87-2adc46d65855.medium.jpg" alt="" /></a>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_having-a-hard-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:98331779-f707-4b18-94f5-cea790c00217Post:33f57bf2-244a-4b00-b65a-189eb2903f9e">Re: Having a hard time</a>:
    [QUOTE]My sister is my matron of honour, and she needs to know our colours so that she can find a dress. We're changing our colours now though!
    Posted by Alesha1978[/QUOTE]

    My sister was my MOH, she told me "but i don't look good in purple" I said, "purple is my favorite color and we agreed it's what we want " i did suggest we look at different materials since the shades will vary depending the fabric you choose.
  • OP, I totally get where you're coming from. I actually am also in graphic design and did our Save the Dates. After way too many opinions from family, I did them the way I wanted, and then decided to get a professional to do the invites to avoid feeling like crap about something I'm good at!

    If you're close to your family, it can suck to have them throw negativity your way, especially about things you love. It is very hard for me to just avoid talking to my family about the wedding, and I know I would actually create extra drama if I tried to with my mom. The only thing I will recommend skipping is bringing anyone negative to your dress shopping. Obviously I don't know your sister, so she could be an awesome person to go shopping with. BUT, I wouldn't value her fashion sense over your happiness in a dress and in the experience of shopping for it. I also have a feeling that you will know what looks good on you, regardless of what dresses are "in" right now.
    Anniversary
  • thejucheideathejucheidea member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_having-a-hard-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:98331779-f707-4b18-94f5-cea790c00217Post:81f77fed-3624-4501-8884-60cc202eb83a">Re: Having a hard time</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Having a hard time : Awesome!  All three of the people in tuxes in the photo below have vaginas!  Talking about blowing of minds!!  ;) 
    Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

    Love it!! We're giving our ladies the option of tuxes or dresses of their choosing. It should be awesome.

  • B2Z728B2Z728 member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2012
    If you're dreading designing your invitations, look into pre-made ones for awhile and see if you can find ones that you really like. There are some very pretty and unique ones out there. One of my favorite sites was weddingpaperdivas.com or there are tons of Etsy vendors to chose from. I'm also a graphic designer and I knew for years that I wanted to design my own invitations when I got married. That being said, when the time came, I stressed myself out way too much over them. I wanted everything to be perfect since I was solely responsible for them. I paid and arm and leg to have letterpress, when I knew that few people other than me would appreciate it. It wasn't always worth the stress I created for myself, but in the end I'm happy that I stuck with my plan to design them myself. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_having-a-hard-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:98331779-f707-4b18-94f5-cea790c00217Post:cb4c2b87-a121-41cd-bf0b-e675bb466a9d">Re: Having a hard time</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Having a hard time : This shouldn't blow people's minds.  You sound like you are looking forward to some controversy.  I hope that isn't true.  You choose your attendants for their relationships to you, not for their sexual identity.
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

    I think you missed the sarcasm. The OP mentioned her parents being against having a groomswoman. They're just making light of that piece of ridiculousness.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Anniversary 
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