Anyone else on here not open with their parents?

Ginabean42712

My rehearsal dinner was tonight, and I was super nervous all week for it!  The only reason why I was so nervous was because my family was going to be there.  I am not open with my parents/family AT ALL!  In fact, I am a completely different person around my family!  I am 29 years old, and they think I'm such a goody goody.  I am pretty quiet and reserved around them, they are semi religious and traditional...they don't even like it when I swear around them!  I just dont tell them much about my personal life.  I mean, I am pretty close with them, they know all my friends and all that, but they don't know where I go when I go out, or that I drink, or that I'm kinda loud.  Thats just not the type of relationahip I have with them.  I'll go out and get wasted, then when I get home I'll tell them I had a quiet evening with friends.  

Anyways, my bachelorette party was last week and we all got do drunk!  To make a long story short, I drank alot and I puked.  No big deal, it happens to everyone, I'm totally not embarassed!  However eveyone started talking about it at the rehearsal dinner today and my parents heard everything!  I was SO PISSED at all my friends for saying all this in front of my parents!  Like beyond PISSED.  I'm not even looking forward to my wedding next week because I am too embarassed to face my parents...even though I'm 29 years old.  

I told my friends this at the end of the night, and they didn't see the big deal.  They are all open with their parents about their personal lives, they just dont understand.  They kept saying "your almost 30, you're an adult, you shouldn't be ashamed".  Perhaps they are right.  I guess I just dont want my parents/family to think less of me.  I still feel like im 16 sometimes, always hiding things from my parents.  I'm sure they would probably even freak if they knew I was having sex with my fiance of 7 years.  I just don't always feel comfortable talking to them about most stuff.  Am I weird?  Is anyone like this towards their family?

Ginabean42712

It's funny because I did not care at all that my fiance's family heard everything.  He has an open family, and that's what I like.  His family all knows that we like to go out and have a fun time, they are all super cool and laid back and they swear, and make fun of each other.  

I just have the weirdest relationship with my immediate family.  I went out once to a bar with my brother and his friends, and it was just awkard hanging out in a social setting with my brother.  It just didn't feel right-I felt like I could'nt say certain things/do certain things.  Even with my parents, I'm just not open with them!  In fact the first 6 months of my relationship with my fiance, my parents didn't even know he exsisted, they only reason they found out we were dating was bc they over heard me talking about it.  We briefly broke up for a few weeks and they had no idea.  Maybe I'm the weird one...

Ginabean42712

That's exactly what it is, a false image of myself.  I wish I could be open with my parents/siblings, but for some reason I just can't.  I don't even like to cry in front of my family, and it's been about 10 years since I did do.  You seem like an awesome mother that your daughter can be so open to you about things.  This is just me being weird.

Ginabean42712

By the way, would you be judgemental if your daughter got wasted and puked at her bachelorette party?  

Ginabean42712

I'm sure counceling would help.  I was just curioius if anyone else was like this out there.   

Ginabean42712

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_anyone-else-on-here-not-open-with-their-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:9d6e688c-1650-4867-b563-7406a38c96b3Post:f3ab5a8a-0a76-490e-ae35-458bab40f079">Re: Anyone else on here not open with their parents?</a>:
[QUOTE]You shouldn't have to be perfect for someone to love you.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>This is so true!  And in response to your last post, I actually rarely drink that much to where I puke, but I do occasionally enjoy a few drinks at a locar bar with some good friends.  And I know it's a parents job to worry and look out for their children, but I do wish I could be more open about my personal life without feeling judgemental.  </div><div>
</div><div>...and I did have a helluva hang over the next day...</div>

Kindachewy

    I think now is the best time to become who you really want to be! You are getting married and now is the time to allow yourself to be seen as who you eally are, you parents are going to see you get married in a week and start a new adult chapter in your life, if your father is walking you down the isle, he is giving away the image he hold of you as a little girl and now can see you as a grown woman

ChristineNB

GinaBean,
   I also do not share much of my personal life with my parents.  My parents are super religious and believe drinking and sex before marriage are sinful, along with other things.  I do not go out of my way to rub their face in things that I know would upset them, but I am an adult and can make my own decisions now.  They know I live with my fiance, and I'm sure deep down they know we are sexually active, but we never talk about it.  They know I drink, I just generally don't drink in front of them, but I have on occasion.  I know if they heard that I had gone out and gotten drunk and puked that they would probably be very disappointed, but they would still love me.  When I was younger I made some decisions that they were not pleased with (got my belly button pierced, started smoking), and while they were disappointed initially, once they got over it everything was fine. 

My parents living 500 miles away does help  a lot.  Also, my fiance's family is much more understanding of things so if I were to need non-judgemental paternal advice on something I know I could always turn to my mother-in-law

divinemsbee

I share tons of stuff about my personal life with my parents, but I'd have been pissed at my friends if they did that. Because it's kind of tacky to talk about all that in front of family. I mean, my parents are wonderful, and they know that I drink on occasion, and my mom, at least, would have known when my bachelorette party was, but she doesn't have to know everything. A simple "wasn't that fun" would suffice in front of the 'rents. If they had wanted to go over the gory details, that can wait until we're all together somewhere. Same goes with any college friends and pretty much everything that went on then, I mean, I'm sure my parents have ideas, but they don't need it spelled out. They are my parents, not my friends (also why I refuse to "friend" my parents on Facebook, if they want to know what's up in my life, that's what our bi-weekly phone conversations are for). 

To be fair, I also don't curse in front of my parents, maybe "hell" "damn" or "ass," but never anything heavier, and I curse like a sailor in my normal life (trying to quit, but still). For me, that is a respect thing. Both my brother and my sister are above drinking age, but we dont go out together. I've had drinks with my parents, but never enough to get buzzed. And I've definitely gotten in fights with each of them and cried to each of them. I mean, they know who I am, but that doesn't mean they have to see me drunk or listen to stories about it. 

As for the rest of it, if this really bothers you, maybe after the wedding have a sit down about it. 

Also, I've never specifically told my parents that my FI and I have sex, but, we live together and even before we did, I would visit him and stay with him, so that's implied. If you've been with the guy for 7 years, I'm going to go with your parents probably know what you're doing, but they have plausible deniability. And that's okay. 

ceh789

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_anyone-else-on-here-not-open-with-their-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:9d6e688c-1650-4867-b563-7406a38c96b3Post:2f98ea09-2f46-4bf8-a4cb-3c10e5bee131">Re: Anyone else on here not open with their parents?</a>:
[QUOTE]I share tons of stuff about my personal life with my parents, but I'd have been pissed at my friends if they did that. Because it's kind of tacky to talk about all that in front of family. 
Posted by divinemsbee[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>This, except it's tacky to talk about all that in front of anyone.</div><div>
</div><div>Yeah, people get drunk.  No one is particularly proud of their behavior after the fact though.  I don't understand why your friends would try to embarass you like that.</div><div>
</div><div>I don't think it's fair to say OP is 'creating a false image of herself'.  There's nothing wrong with not airing every detail of your personal life to your family.  There's absolutely no reason her family needs to know that stuff.</div>

artbyallie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_anyone-else-on-here-not-open-with-their-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:9d6e688c-1650-4867-b563-7406a38c96b3Post:a26aa9fc-3217-4164-9eb2-1947c76dd22e">Re: Anyone else on here not open with their parents?</a>:
[QUOTE]By the way, would you be judgemental if your daughter got wasted and puked at her bachelorette party?  
Posted by Ginabean42712[/QUOTE]

<div>Drinking til you puke = alcohol poisoning, which can kill you, so yes.</div><div>
</div><div>My parents know I drink occasionally, though I do try not to get more than tipsy because being drunk is just not fun for me. I've never dropped an f-bomb in front of them, though, and I do with friends.</div><div>
</div><div>I do feel like to an extent, if you would be embarrassed by your parents/grandparents finding out you do something, maybe you shouldn't do it. But in general I <em>am</em> a goody-goody, I guess.</div>

jennipea382

I know how you feel OP. There are a lot of things my parents don't know about me that I'd rather keep from them. I know, I'll probably get flamed for that, but it's kinda how my family is. We just don't talk about certain things. I'd probably be a little annoyed if my friends told a story like that about me. I don't normally get that drunk (in fact I barely drink anymore) so I'd rather my parents not think it's something I do a lot when I don't.

I'm also similar to you in the sense that I'm more open with my FILs than my parents. They're really laid back and open with FI so I felt comfortable enough with them to talk about things I don't talk about with my parents.

I have a feeling you have a very similar relationship with your parents as I do with mine. SO I know how you feel but at this age... who cares? Haha. I care less and less each day what things they find out about me because I'm an adult and make my own decisions. They know that, and that they can judge me all they want, but there's really nothing they can do about it if they don't like it.

Anyways, I'm not at all saying it's right to hide things, but I understand how you feel.

Bay21

I'm 20 (21 at the end of may!) and my parents are in their 70s so being open with them about who I am *completely* is not going to happen because my family just doesn't talk about things at all. My parents are very non-communicative about "the big things" and it's pretty much just whatever with them. I may not put on a mask around them like you seem too OP, but I do alter somethings like swearing etc; and it's not like we don't talk about things at all but it's not like I tell them about my sex life either...

I guess what I'm saying is that my parents are my parents, they are not my friends. You are going to have a different relationship with them then you are the women in your bridal party. I know that there are people out there you talk about their sex life and all kinds of things with their parents, I have some friends like that, but that's not how it is for some people. 

That being said, I'm sure you are underestimating your parents a bit. You are a 28 year old woman, I think they've guessed by now that you drink and have sex. They may not talk about it with you, and you may not act like it around them, but I'm sure they know by this point.

Since I got engaged my parents and I have had a much mroe open line of communication because I've stepped up and become an adult, and they've realized that they're little girl is a woman, and grown up. My parents don't talk to me about the fact I'm living with my fiacnce so that must mean sex, but they don't act like i'm the virgin mary or anything. Maybe now is the time for you to start being open with them about somethings. I'm not saying the next time you talk with your parents you start talking about just how smashed you got at the bachelorette party, but maybe start small?

They are your parents and I cannot imagine they would love you less for what you have expressed concerns over. Maybe you aren't going to listen to this since it's coming from me and I'm only going to be 21 at the end of May, but honestly, I think you need to realize that you are an adult, and you're parents know that.