Help ME! AHHH

suzmadeley

Does any one have a good idea of how to get all of the parents to get along? My parents are divoriced, his parents are together. his parents are friends with my dad's side since i was born, They all hate my mom! my mom doesnt like them but will deal with them all for the day, my dad will deal with my mom for the day, but the problem is his parents won't tolerate my mom for one day! so i have to ask his dad if he will come to our wedding before we can even plan anything else or there isn't going to be a wedding, well at least not the one i want. This is total BS but is is something i can't get out of and i have to do. Any ideas? im stuck between a rock and my future in-laws!!

MyNameIsNot

Tell each parent that you expect them to act like civil adults to each other at the wedding, and if they can't behave, security will escort them out. 

Then hire security. 

They'll be too scared of humiliating themselves to behave badly.

Don't sit them near each other or expect them to do anything together or talk to each other.

suzmadeley

true, i just gotta get the balls to ask his parents to behave and they can really be over the top sometimes, im kinda scared, i see them nearly every day i just can't do it

MyNameIsNot

He should be the one telling his parents to behave, not you. 

suzmadeley

exactly, i told him that myself, thankyou!

tidetravel

You don't need to say anything.  FI needs to tell his parents that he expects them to act like adults for one day.  If they can't do that, then they will be missed.

Wedding goes on regardless.

alysonp87

I totally feel you...I am having some similar issues as well.
I grew up with my mom and Stepdad, never liked my step dad (we have since gotten over it)...LOVE his family though. If I invite his family I need to invite him, but my mom DOES NOT want him to be there. Also, my dad didnt raise me but I still love him alot and want him to walk me down the aisle, but I also want my mom to because she did a wonderful job raising me and deserves that. I want them both to walk me, or one halfway the other the rest of the way. And my mom doesnt think he deserves to (did I mention he's not contributing a dime...) It can be very stressful, but the one thing you have to remember, (and I have to continually remind myself) is...that it is YOUR (and your fiances) DAY. They are adults and need to recognize this. Let them know how you feel and tell them how important it is to you and maybe sitting down with your fiance and the whole bunch would do somegood depending on how civilized your family is (not sure how that would go over in my situation haha)...you might have to remind them all it's YOUR day.

No matter what happens YOU have to have fun. Dont stress. It will all work out

cukimerrydoll

Try to get your fiance's help!  If he sees how much it's hurting you, it should help the situation.  But I know it is hard for any son to go up against his parents, so don't blame him if he's quiet.  But work as hard as possible to get him on the same page as you.

Try to sit down with your parents individually and his parents together and talk about exactly what you expect.

If you have to, explain how your mom is still your mom, no matter how they feel about her.  You wouldn't be there without her! 

Typically, your fiance's family will sit on a different side of the church from your family, so if you have to, try to set up the reception hall the same way.  Let them know that you'll do what you can to limit their interaction, but it is not their wedding and they should have enough respect for you to try for that one day.

suzmadeley

Thanks so much! i need to sit down and talk with both, just feel so bad to do it, my mom is so excited too, i just wish that people didn't have to be so ... whats the word for holding a grudge?  its just too much of a small town. everyone knows everyones business!  the biggest problem is my fiancee refuses to have his Parents be excluded- which i don't blame him. so if they choose to be i'll have to just run away and get married, which i really don't want to do we have been engaged for almost a year, and i really want to start planning something!

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_ahhh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:9eb4f95e-02aa-4495-a823-427aa068729bPost:107c0154-82a5-4840-9f0c-3046a542594d">Re: Help ME! AHHH</a>:
[QUOTE] the biggest problem is my fiancee refuses to have his Parents be excluded- which i don't blame him. !
Posted by suzmadeley[/QUOTE]

THIS IS NOT YOUR FIGHT.  These are FI's parents.  If you start demanding things of them, you will look like the bad guy - especially since it seems FI does not have your back.

Your FI needs to grow a pair of balls, support your relationship and stand up to his parents.  He needs to make it clear that IF they choose to act like spoiled, bratty children, then THEY are excluding THEMSELVES.  

Lots of parents use threats about not attending the wedding to get their way.  9 times out of 10, they are empty threats.  IF you call their bluff they will back down.  IF you give into the threats, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of kowtowing to their childish whims.

FWIW - both my parents and DH's parents went through nasty divorces.  DH's parents hadn't been in the same room in the 16 years since they were in divorce court.  At the wedding, everyone acted like adults.  Had they not, they would have been asked to leave.  When we set up the reception room, instead of having a "Bride's parent table" and "groom's parents table" we had a "dad's table" (FIL and my dad, along with close family on their sides) and a "mom's table" (MIL, and my mom, along w/ family associated with those sides) on opposite sides of the room.  It worked out really well. 

ashleypastori

I'm totally with tidetravel.  Your FI has to have your back on this one.  You can't make the demands and you can't back down.  If he still won't talk to his parents, maybe your dad can.  He could just explain to them that if he can tolerate his ex-wife for one day for the sake of you and your FI and the wedding, then they certainly can tolerate her for one day.  If that doesn't work, call a daycare and ask them how they deal with stubborn 3 year olds because that's what your future in-laws are acting like!  I was raised in a small town too and I moved as soon as I was old enough to leave home.  I feel your pain!

aerinpegadrak

See second sig quote.  FI was terrified that his mother wouldn't like me (we get along fine) but made it clear that his relationship with me took precedence over his relationship with her.  He is your primary family now, and you are his.  If he's selling you out to please his parents, then you have some serious issues that need to be worked out before the wedding.