The ex

brownhenry

My ex from high school (9th and 10th grade to be exact) wants to be friends with me on Facebook. FI thinks if I accept I 'don't respect his feelings' I honestly don't see the problem considering we were in high school almost 5 years ago and I would say now looking back we were more like friends then bf/gf. Am I wrong for wanting to accept him? Isn't facebook for reconnecting with classmates? Or am I really not respecting his feelings? I mean I'm engaged to be married! I have no interest in anyone but FI!

MyNameIsNot

I agree that it's a little silly for your FI to be insecure about an ex from childhood, but I would still respect his feelings about it.  I know 3 people off the top of my head that cheated on their current BF/GF/spouse with an ex that they reconnected with on myspace/facebook.  Of course, I expect that each of these people would have cheated anyway, but still.

In the end, this is a trust issue.  If your FI doesn't trust you to have a friendship with this guy, you probably need to work on your trust issues in general.

lyndausvi

That is tough.   Both DH and I are friends with exes on Facebook.  Neither one of us have a problem with that.  Then again we have both been out of school for 20 years.  5 years might be a little to close for some people.

If one of us did,  I think we would respect their feelings. 

brownhenry

Yes I agree maybe 5 yrs is too close. I didn't accept but everytime I ignore he requests again. I just don't understand why he doesn't trust me. I trust him completely and I haven't done anything to make him trust me anyless.  Ugh. I'll just keep ignoring haha

lyndausvi

maybe it's not you he does not trust.   

BTW - I find that if you do nothing then the request just sits in limbo.  To me it's better than ignoring them b/c all they do is send another request anyway

duckie1905

DH and I are both friends with exes on facebook so personally I don't see a problem with it.  But, if he did have a problem with it I would respect that.

Just ignore it (as lyndausvi said).  That way it just sits there.

julieanna21

Someone from the past sent me a request, my initial reaction was to deny, so I did.  He tried a few more times, and I felt like, regardless of what FI would think about it, it seemed a bit much that someone from 6 years ago nothing major was so concerned about repeatedly requesting?  It kind of set off red flags to me...Of course, if you do nothing everytime you log in there his request (with picture) will be:)  I denied the requests until he stopped...he got the picture.  Lots of people use it as a dating pool, not just to reconnect with friends!  So I wouldn't necessarily worry that he doesn't trust you, it's probably more realistic that he knows how men can be and is in a sense protecting you and your relationship.

10clarissa

My ex and I had a BAD ending...but as time has gone we can say we dont fight...as much i guess you could say. He told me this last week that he still has strong feelings for me and is happy when we hang out. Should I stop talking to him? I dont feel that way for him and I only care for my FI. My FI however is ok with us talking because he said I can do anything I want, he just asks that I am careful. So am I leading on my ex and should we just not be friends?

[Deleted User]

I see it as an issue only because it seems so-shady. Maybe he just got a facebook, and maybe he just decided to look you up, but if he had lost touch with you so long ago, what's really the point of reconnecting now that you've moved on? I think it's trouble and you should respect your FI feeling's. Generally, I just wouldn't trust guys at all-much less someone who might not even be the same person you knew. Regardless, it shouldn't bother you. You have the man you love!

aerinpegadrak

I think there are some definite trust issues here.  My FI is majorly insecure (he had several girlfriends cheat on him), but he had no problem with me accepting friend requests from exes on FB.  For now you should respect his wishes, but if you're doing premarital counseling, the trust thing is something you should work on.

goheels05

I go through the same thing with my husband.  He's a bit older than me and kind of missed the boat on the whole facebook thing, and he has a lot of issues with certain things around facebook, like posting pictures of our house, things people post to my wall, etc.  Exes have never come up, but I know he would have issue with me being friends with an ex, even if it was essentially from childhood like it is with your ex.  So because my husband is so important to me, I respect his wishes, and if he requested that I not be facebook friends with an ex, I would decline the invite or leave him "rotting" in my inbox.

Anon I. Mouse

Hmm....well, I think this is one of those things that presents a good opportunity for you and FI to to discuss your respective boundaries - on the understanding those boundaries don't create demands on the other; rather the other can choose how to operate within or respect those boundaries (or not). As, this is an issue that may come up again in the future whatever you do now (i.e. attractive coworker, friend who confesses a crush and you also feel attracted to, etcetera).

Part of this discussion should also be an explanation of why your FI has those boundaries (i.e. does he have prior experiences he is projecting on you, is there a trust issue, does he not like the guy, is he insecure about your relationship with the ex) and vice versa.

For the record, my FI and I both have ex's on our FB friends lists (ones from anywhere from 15 years ago, to a couple years ago). Not that we use FB very much, but they are there. And, we sometimes see those ex's in real life. We also both have attractive friends of the opposite sex that we talk to both on FB and in real life. What is key for us both is that we are absolutely open and honest about those friendships, those friends are aware of our boundaries and we also are aware of one another's boundaries, and we re-evaluate and discuss these things regularly.

Now, there are times one of us may feel a bit insecure or jealous due to personal insecurities (rather than the actions of the other) as we are both human and have our own "stuff" and histories, however we discuss this as well, and we also don't use those insecurities to control the other - we accept responsibility for our own feelings and while we respect one anothers feelings, neither of us takes on the responsibility for the other's feelings. And we both act with great respect and compassion for the other's boundaries, while we make our own decisions about how to carry ourselves.

I guess my advice is that ultimately, it is not about whether your FI is right or wrong, or you are right, or wrong. Both of you are your own individuals, with your own feelings and boundaries and perceptions. At the end of the day, it is YOUR choice whether to accept the friend request or not - your FI, nor can anyone here, tell you WHAT to do. Your FI can share his boundaries, and you can determine whether you feel comfortable operating within those or not, recognizing that there are differeing results from whatever action you take. If I was in your shoes, if I had no real relationship with the ex, and my FI felt that passionately about it, it probably would not be a bother for me to just ignore/delete the request. However, ultimately it would be MY decision and there are other circumstances where further discussion would be needed about it.

At the end of the day, YOU need to be comfortable with YOUR decision.

jenn.daniel

I've been FB friends w/my ex from HS for a few years now.  FI doesn't have a problem with it.  I'm also FB friends w/an ex from college, but we became FB when we were friends, not in a reconnecting sort of way.  FI is friends w/him (in person, FI doesn’t have FB) too, but I find it kinda awkward.

brownhenry

Thanks girls I just wasn't sure really what to think with it all.

FJL10: He has had a facebook and he and I were friends ways back but his recent ex said it was a no no to be friends with me.

10clarissa: I don't know if I would be hanging out with an ex if he has feelings yet. He might try something without really thinking it through.

I would like to be friends with him because he was there for me through a lot of crap with my family and when my grandfather died so it would be nice to be able to reconnect now that he is allowed to have friends again. He always finds the controling girls lol has ever since him and I split. But I have let the idea go and I figure once we have our 10 yr reunion FI will meet him and be like 'hey I got nothing to worry about' haha

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_ex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:a05c9b66-fa1b-4d54-b560-cd6b767946e1Post:bbc6e565-772d-4eba-9724-6a9e5def8763">Re: The ex</a>:
[QUOTE]  I'm also FB friends w/an ex from college, but we became FB when we were friends, not in a reconnecting sort of way.   FI is friends w/him (in person, FI doesn’t have FB) too, but I find it kinda awkward.
Posted by jenn.daniel[/QUOTE]

yeah, that sounds awkward and kinda gross.

jenn.daniel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_ex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:a05c9b66-fa1b-4d54-b560-cd6b767946e1Post:bf45f597-abfb-4819-a558-dce32625b5e1">Re: The ex</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The ex : yeah, that sounds awkward and kinda gross.
Posted by FJL10[/QUOTE]

How is it gross?  Small college - FI and I had lots of friends in common and he is friends with a guy I dated for 4 months.  Not close friends, but friends none-the-less.

pag41989

Just to make him happy I would ignore it. I had the same problem and after awhile the ex just went away. However, my FI does not care who I am FB friends with. There is a HUGE difference between FB friends and real life friends.

megk8oz

Honestly, it's just a friend request on FB, so while it doesn't seem like a big deal to you to accept it, on the same note, it shouldn't be that big of a deal to ignore it, either. You said that this guy has made multiple requests, could this be the issue that your FI is having? That this guy is clearly trying VERY hard to get back into your life on some level? I could see why your FI might not like that (I know I'd be having some beef if some girl was doing something similar to my FI)

Idk, personally, FI and I are bad examples because we each only have 1 real "ex" and we have nothing to do with them (It probably has something to do with the fact that the 2 of them slept together ... but that's a story for another day).

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

My FI is friends with his ex girlfriend on FB. The one he dated for 3 years. In his 20s. Before he dated me. The differance is that it doesn't bother me.

You may think it's silly, but if it's obviously bothering him, respect his feelings. His feelings, even if you don't understand them, are more important than adding 1 more friend to FB or making your ex wonder if you're still hurt about the relationship, right?

Lakerchic7272

Hym. To be honest, my first response was "Ok! How old is this girl seriously" But After actually thinking about it, I can see the ackwardness.  I am FB friends with both my exes (ive only seriosuly dated 3 men including FI) and the FI is also FB friends with many of his exes.

Beyond that.  He's from a small town. everybody knows everybody.  My roomate is his ex- and he also dated her younger sister.  W/e. life moves on. Clearly he chose me. end of story.

I hope you guys can work this out.  Just sit and let him explain his feelings.  It may bother him for reasons you dont realize.

higgldy_piggldy

Your loyalty is to your FH.  If he would be upset by something like that, you should repect your relationship and FH enough to not put that wedge into your relationship.  It may seem like small potatoes, but it's a trust issue.  I'm sure nothing would come of accepting...but really...what good could come out of it?

LarissaAnn

I couldn't date a guy who had issues with me being friends - IRL or FB - with my exes, let alone marry such a guy.

[Deleted User]

yeah, but exes are exes for a reason-why would you even need to be friends with them?

jenn.daniel

Just beside you decide not to date someone anymore doesn't mean you don't want to be friends.  For instance, my ex from high school is my ex b/c we were going to different colleges and didn't want to deal with a long-distance relationship.  I have friends who've broken up with their S/O because the S/O wanted to spend a lot of time out of the country for work/volunteering but my friend wanted to be able to have their own career in the US and not move a lot.  Different life goals means people should marry each other but they can still be friends.