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Anyone else 'legally married' before having ceremony & reception?

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Re: Anyone else 'legally married' before having ceremony & reception?

  • No being dishonest to her family about the wedding is wrong, but it's her choice. And I I, for one, would like to know where everyone is getting this "Fake Wedding," BS from. Because unless I'm misunderstanding the concept of JOP then it's completely legal, accurate, and real.

    Quite frankly, it's none of anyone's business, her reason(s) for making this desicion. So, therefore, she is in no position, or obligated to have to inform us about it. There isn't any reason for anyone to be asking about it either.
    Some people on here need to realize how rude they're being.

    Yes, although she did come to us with a question, she wasn't expecting to be dogged about her choices. She didn't want life lessons, she can grow up on her own. She wanted advice.
    The only advice I've seen is about her being dishonest. Which I agree with 100%. You should always be honest, no matter what.

    But as far as her wanting to read all this "Fake Wedding," BS, no I highly doubt that changed her mind, direction, path or anything else for that matter.
    There is no where in any document, where it states that getting married at a cour house, or having a JOP, is illegal, fake phony, inappropriate or un-American.

    So, i apologoze to those of you who believe any of that nonsense to be true, and I also want to apologoze to cmorgan686 for the people who have put her down and made her feel any less about herself or her desicions.

    My advise would be to do what makes you happy in the long run. If this JOP needs to be done, do it, and if anyone doesn't like it to hell with them. Your family will always be behind you no matter what, they will understand your desicion, even if it takes some time for them to accept. Life will always go on, and another dawn will always break.

    -Love Bree.
  • edited May 2011
    The fake wedding would be her second "wedding"; the one she is planning after "signing the paperwork." That would be a fake wedding since she already had a wedding.
  • edited May 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_anyone-else-legally-married-before-having-ceremony-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:a0be19b7-6cbd-42aa-96c0-121ffbce039cPost:6b8c75c8-2688-4560-8a9b-b943f4f2c43b">IN RESPONSE TO ALL NEGATIVE>>>Re: Anyone else 'legally married' before having ceremony & reception?</a>:
    [QUOTE]No being dishonest to her family about the wedding is wrong, but it's her choice. And I I, for one, would like to know where everyone is getting this "Fake Wedding," BS from. Because unless I'm misunderstanding the concept of JOP then it's completely legal, accurate, and real. Quite frankly, it's none of anyone's business, her reason(s) for making this desicion. So, therefore, she is in no position, or obligated to have to inform us about it. There isn't any reason for anyone to be asking about it either. Some people on here need to realize how rude they're being. Yes, although she did come to us with a question, she wasn't expecting to be dogged about her choices. She didn't want life lessons, she can grow up on her own. She wanted advice. The only advice I've seen is about her being dishonest. Which I agree with 100%. You should always be honest, no matter what. But as far as her wanting to read all this "Fake Wedding," BS, no I highly doubt that changed her mind, direction, path or anything else for that matter. <strong>There is no where in any document, where it states that getting married at a cour house, or having a JOP, is illegal, fake phony, inappropriate or un-American.</strong>So, i apologoze to those of you who believe any of that nonsense to be true, and <strong>I also want to apologoze to cmorgan686 for the people who have put her down and made her feel any less about herself or her desicions.</strong>My advise would be to do what makes you happy in the long run. If this JOP needs to be done, do it, and if anyone doesn't like it to hell with them. <strong>Your family will always be behind you no matter what, they will understand your desicion, even if it takes some time for them to accept. </strong>Life will always go on, and another dawn will always break. -Love Bree.
    Posted by BreeBenson[/QUOTE]

    You want a ladder to help you step down from that high horse you're on?

    1. Nobody said what she is doing is unamerican.  I have no idea where you get off saying this.
    2. The JOP would be the legal wedding.  The PPD (Pretty Princess Day) would be the fake one
    3. So you're saying that it's okay to lie to your family about being married and put them through the charade of your PPD and who in hell cares if they are hurt worse than you've ever hurt them before because people who really love you will forgive unforgivable selfishness.  Lovely.
    4. Don't apologize for anyone except yourself.  I don't think anyone here wrote anything that they are sorry for and for you to do this is extremely condescending.

    ETA - Bree, it's not a bright idea to post your full name on an internet site.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_anyone-else-legally-married-before-having-ceremony-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:a0be19b7-6cbd-42aa-96c0-121ffbce039cPost:38416e69-2f46-4551-bf56-d9e9d707e9ad">Re: Anyone else 'legally married' before having ceremony & reception?</a>:
    [QUOTE]That's what my FI and I are doing. We're going to the Courthouse on July 25th, then later on after I get home from Basic Training we're having the ceremony. It's not as big a deal as everyone else is making it out to be. "Personal Reasons," could be one's such as mine and Coys. Do whatever you need to do in order to be happy.
    Posted by BreeBenson[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>I really hope your reasons aren't for the extra money and benefits or so that you can afford your wedding later.  At least you aren't lying about getting married before your vow renewal though.</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_anyone-else-legally-married-before-having-ceremony-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:a0be19b7-6cbd-42aa-96c0-121ffbce039cPost:e9884e73-d7c9-41bc-9bf0-e3bd77419ccc">Re: Anyone else 'legally married' before having ceremony & reception?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I guess I'm in the minority here, but I had a friend do this. Her FI had proposed, and then joined the Navy, so they decided to get legally married before he left for Basic. She told me and my FI and a few other close friends, but no one else - not even her parents know. Her "wedding" is taking place in about a month, and she's doing it all - white dress, bridal shower, bachelorette party, church ceremony <strong>(she's actually quite religious)</strong>, big reception, etc. <strong>No one has spilled the beans to the families, and I'm not sure if they're planning on letting them know at the ceremony that they've actually been legally married this whole time or just keeping it a secret forever.</strong> I don't think it's a good idea, but it's possible to do. I wouldn't be able to do it with my family - I would hate that distance between us.
    Posted by confettiegg2000[/QUOTE]

    She's "very religious" but cool with lying to her friends and family?  Sounds like someone else I know.  What religion is she?  Church of United Hypocrites? 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_anyone-else-legally-married-before-having-ceremony-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:a0be19b7-6cbd-42aa-96c0-121ffbce039cPost:60dec3a4-9087-4c3d-a848-88c291e8334a">Re: Anyone else 'legally married' before having ceremony & reception?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Anyone else 'legally married' before having ceremony & reception? : She's "very religious" but cool with lying to her friends and family?  Sounds like someone else I know.  What religion is she?  Church of United Hypocrites? 
    Posted by marriedfilingjointly[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>hahah Oh my goodness, I though the <strong>same exact thing </strong>when I read that post!<strong> </strong></div>
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  • Bree,

    I think you do not understand the discussion/thread at all. Again, solemnization/ceremony/vows are all the same thing. Look at the law again.

    Plus you think we are saying the JOP is fake. Which is not the case (the second "wedding" is). We are all defending the JOP & stating that it is in fact a wedding with a ceremony. That it isn't "just paperwork." Please review this thread again.

    Planning Bio
    Married 9/15/11

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    *This is Not Legal Advice*
  • ErinG93ErinG93 member
    2500 Comments
    I don't see a problem with having a PPD. As long as no one feels obligated to buy gifts for the JOP wedding, I don't see a problem in having a PPD. Granted I don't think OP should pretend it's the original wedding, I think she's allowed to have her one celebration. I guess I am saying the situation could be handled in a fun and delicate way and guests could come to a big "wedding" celebration. I don't think the politics of what to call it is important.
    If I were to do something like this, I would be blunt about the fact that I was legally married, but wanting to have a "wedding" celebration because circumstances prevented one before. I would say vows, cut cake, dance, etc. - but exclude any legal paperwork. (Obviously you can't do that twice!)
    I wouldn't be offended in the slightest if I was invited to a "wedding" celebration of a couple that wasn't able to have a big ol' party a year earlier. I would go, bring a gift, and carry on. To me the math is the same, 1 girl + 1 guy + 1 celebration + 1 legal document, just a little out of order.
    The only thing I feel really strongly about is not being honest. OP: please be honest to your parents, friends, and family. They will love and support you, especially in honesty.
  • You get one day....not one year plus a PPD.  Are you sure that no one is going to slip up and say anything?  

    You have been given some WONDERFUL suggestions.  Take them and not break the law.  You may lose more than just your family over your deception.
  • What these threads demonstrate to me is that for the most part, people do still care about the most important part of a wedding, and that is the promise a couple makes to each other to be husband and wife. It's not about the party afterward (as fun as it is) or all the other trappings of a wedding like the white dress and bridesmaids, but truly about the commitment being undertaken and the beginning of a new life together. Witnessing that moment is what is meaningful to so many people, whether it happens in front of a JOP at the county courthouse or in a church with 200 people.

    When you marry in secret and then have a pretend wedding a year later, you are depriving your loved ones of witnessing the ACTUAL promise you've made because you think what matters is what you're wearing when you say those vows and the party you throw afterward. That's not the case. People care deeply about being there the first time those vows are said, which is when they really mean the most.

    If I wanted to see people dressed up and play-acting, I'd go to the theater, not a wedding.
  • I have to say, I was really dissapointed in some of the responses that I have read.  Some of you have been quite judgmental and rude to say the least.  And one of you actually posted on here twice as if you weren't rude enough the first time. 

    The woman asked for an opinion, not for insults.  Agree or disagree but, but insulting remarks are just as distasteful as you claim her idea to be.

    In my opinion, I would get married at the JOP.  From what I am assuming, you are getting married possibly for the last name or insurance reasons for having the second baby, which my husband and I did as well.  We were married in 2009 and will be haing our "wedding" in March of 2012.  Because I am Catholic and my husband wanted to convert, our church actually told us that we had to participate in the Sacrament of Marriage in our church before he was able to be baptized.  We are having the traditional "wedding" because in the eyes of the church we are not married, being that my husband was never baptized.  Our friends and famiyl know we are married, we have children, and what not.  The only thing we are doing different is working the invites with renewal of vows and celebrating the sacrament of marriage rather than just "wedding" . 

    Some people will recieve it better than others, but if you are not up front from the beginning, you may get more negative feed back if they find out than you would if you were upfront.  The ceremony you choose to have with friends and family should be special whether your marriage is already legal or not.  Do not let others reactions ruin your day.

    Please your self with the JOP and then with a renewal of vows and the large traditional celebration later.  There is NOTHING wrong with that.
  • Wow, thanks for setting the record straight on this 7- month old post.
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  • Really - you dug up a 7 month old thread to say this??

    Also,  you aren't having a wedding in the Catholic church.  You are having a convalidation ceremony.  That means no poofy white dress, no WP.
    image
    AKA GoodLuckBear14
  • My FBIL and his wife are doing this, but the circumstances are a little different. They are both at a VERY expensive college, so did a JOP wedding for FAFSA and tax reasons. They will be saving literally thousands. The WP and parents were there, and that was it. They then are having the "celebration" wedding next August.

    I personally don't like it. It has caused a headache to almost all involved. They swore everyone who knew to secrecy, but days after their JOP wedding, they changed their facebook relationship status. You can imagine the fallout. Their poor parents were bombarded with phone calls, wondering if the August wedding was off, and if FSIL is pregnant.

    Their reason was justified, but their approach was awful. Plus they are still having the white dress, vows, reception, registry wedding in August. Its all a show, and not nearly as meaningful for their guests who come to see an actual wedding.

    I plan on one wedding, and as little controversy with my fi as possible! One occasion where I'm the shy, pink faced center of attention is more than enough for me!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I just had to say that I think it's kind of ridiculous how everyone is reacting so negatively to this idea. This is your day and your relationship - do what feels right! My current boyfriend and I are planning on doing this exact thing and very excited about it. I wish you both the best of luck - who cares about what anyone else thinks! At the end of the day, it's the two of you that are getting married and no one else can tell you how to do it. Have fun!
  • Oh also, you're not breaking the law. As long as you have an officient sign it and perform some sort of ceremony within 30 days of obtaining your marriage license, you're fine. What you do a year later can be whatever you want it to be! Also, in Switzerland it is required for marriages to take place in a court and then have the ceremony at any point after that. Just thought I'd let you know!
  • LOL You ladies who are saying A) that its illegal to get legally married prior to having a wedding ceremony and B) That you'll have no right to a "real" ceremony and all the joys that come with it are completly off your rockers. 

    To address A: The legal ceremony is what constitutes you in the eyes of the state as married. As long as you have an officiant and two witnesses--you have done nothing wrong. The WEDDING ceremony is a celebration of your LOVE and LIFE TOGETHER. All that changes if you get legal first is you dont have the signing of the wedding license afterward. There is NOTHING illegal in having a ceremony after being legally married lol

    To address B: How dare ANY one of you stuck up, pompous, ninnies tell someone they have no RIGHT to a beautiful celebration of their love? What happend to YOU to make you so entitled, bitter, and just plain hateful? Every woman has the RIGHT to a white wedding,fairytale experience--regardless of a legal ceremony prior to the "party" ceremony. 

    To the OP, do it, just dont lie. Let your parents know and invite them to be the witnesses. Then continue on with your wedding plans :) Its still your ceremony, regardless of the brainless twits on this site. 

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_anyone-else-legally-married-before-having-ceremony-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:a0be19b7-6cbd-42aa-96c0-121ffbce039cPost:d425d51e-b42c-4c7c-b74a-01aca0449d39">Anyone else 'legally married' before having ceremony & reception?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fiance and I are legally getting married May 28, 2011...but doing that for personal reasons. We are waiting to have the church ceremony & reception for at least another year. I'm not sure what our friends/family would think of us legally getting married, so only a very few people will know. Has anyone else done this? 
    Posted by cmoran686[/QUOTE]


    I don't think there is any problem with getting legally married on paper ahead of time for practical purposes and then having the ceremony at a later date. I don't understand people saying that if you file the paperwork and get legally married that you're not allowed or you can't have a ceremony at a later date because you're already 'married'. That doesn't make any sense. A marriage is a legal binding contract. The ceremony is just a spiritual or religious undertaking that you present to your friends, family and/or God. You can't be legally married if you JUST have a ceremony and never file for a marriage license. The ceremony is just the celebration, and in my opinion you can have that any time. I don't see any problems with being legally married on paper for whatever reasons you may have and then having the actual wedding at a later date due to monetary or other constraints. In fact, my fiance and I may do this also because of financial/moving issues and have the ceremony next year after we're settled. It doesn't really matter what others think though. Do what's right for you. :)
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