Last name change

ngentile86

Hey girls I've been struggling with this for quite some time. I want to keep my last name because it's very important to me so I figured I would just hyphenate, however my FH wants me to just take his last name which I understand as well, I just can't give up my name because I'm getting married. Am I being a selfish jerk? I need some honest advice even if it is harsh thanks girls.

emarston1

I'm in the camp that it's your name and you should do what you want.  If DH feels so strongly that you both have the same last name, suggest he take yours and see how fast his opinion changes

ngentile86

he says it's a respect thing and if I hyphenate we really won't have the same last name. His feelings are more important than a name, but I don't want to regret it if I don't.

ngentile86

Lmao I tried that and he shut me down rather quickly.

JENNIFERANDMATT2012

I feel the same way as you. My FI really wants me to change my last name to his but I love my name the way it is. I was thinking of waiting to change my last name when we decided to have children. I honestly don't think it is selfish but I know guys take it as a blow to their ego and plus its tradition. I think you guys should discuss why the choice in last name is important to each of you. For me, I feel like its because I grew up with the name and I wouldn't want it to change unless I was hyphenating it. For him, he feels like its tradition and he never dreamed his future wife wouldn't take his last name. He says he feels like I am saying his last name isn't good enough for me. I wish I could give you advice but I am stuck in the same boat. I'm interested to hear what others say.

emarston1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_last-name-change?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:aa25af8f-6fc7-451a-a45d-1cfa642674cePost:bf1c2a27-3789-437f-b6ef-c449b82942d6">Re:Last name change</a>:
[QUOTE]Lmao I tried that and he shut me down rather quickly.
Posted by ngentile86[/QUOTE]
Exactly.  He feels very attached to his name just like you feel attached to yours. 

FWIW, I took DH's name although I was a bit sad about it.  But in the end, I wanted to take it and it wasn't worth the possible future headaches that different last names might present.

emarston1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_last-name-change?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:aa25af8f-6fc7-451a-a45d-1cfa642674cePost:fbdb5b19-5870-45b0-9f10-aa0fd87ddc07">Re:Last name change</a>:
[QUOTE]he says it's a respect thing and if I hyphenate we really won't have the same last name. His feelings are more important than a name, but I don't want to regret it if I don't.
Posted by ngentile86[/QUOTE]
But at the same time, is it respectful of him to make you change your name if you don't want to?  I think the hyphen is a great compromise.

I know my DH would have been a little sad if I hadn't taken his name but he made it clear that is was completely my decision.

ngentile86

Youre exactly right, I might just take his to prevent future arguments, but I'm afraid I'll resent him. Thanks for the advice;

redheadfsu

Honestly your FI is the one who is the selfish jerk. If he wants the same name he can change his. Honestly by pushing you, your FI has shown he doesn't respect you. Does he realize that if you divorce you can keep his name and he has zero say about it?

Viczaesar

You're not being selfish to want to hyphenate, and you wouldn't be selfish to want to keep your name as it is.  It's your name.  Ask your FI if he's willing to take your last name instead.

mtbm

seriously?

goobersinlove

It's hard for me to give you advice here because I will be taking FI's last name and I don't feel any particular attachment to my last name. Therefore, I usually err on the "just take your husband's last name" side, but I am biased. So this is the best I can do:

I think your FI should really investigate and consider exactly why it is important to him that you take his last name, deeper than the surface "tradition" arguments. And in the meantime, while he is doing that, maybe you can consider why you are so reluctant to let go of your last name (e.g., do you maybe feel like you'd be giving up your identity in some way? Etc.).

emineminem

I'm taking his last name by tacking it onto the end. That way, I'm still technically Me S., but I'll also be Me H. I alteady have a long name "First name" "Mom's maiden Name" "Dad's last name." I would feel like it was kind of disrespectful to ditch my parent's names, but I also want to take my husband's name, so I'll just deal with having a long name :

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_last-name-change?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:aa25af8f-6fc7-451a-a45d-1cfa642674cePost:142cff1d-70dd-4fb6-9cef-801e4427f4af">Re:Last name change</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Honestly your FI is the one who is the selfish jerk. If he wants the same name he can change his. Honestly by pushing you, your FI has shown he doesn't respect you.</strong> Does he realize that if you divorce you can keep his name and he has zero say about it?
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

<div>This.</div><div>
</div><div>I don't know why he thinks you should respect him when he clearly doesn't respect you.  </div>

bluesmiley78

He should be talking to you about this..not telling you to...

GoodLuckBear14

Tell him to change his last name.

ngentile86

Great Idea, Im just attached to my name because my grandfather brought it with him when he came here from Italy, and my heriitage is really important to me. My FH, however is a little bit of everything, so I dont even know where his last name came from. Does that make sense?

LinD25

I completely understand. My name means a lot to me for many reasons. It's who I am. I fought hard to get it back when going through my divorce (I was young and stupid and just took his name because I was "supposed" to). My Father passed away in 2004 and he had daughters and our name will die. We are also Italian so it's meaningful that way too.

FI and I have been living together (and own our house and other items together) for quite some time and we are currently known as The MyLastName HisLastName Family and that's what's on our address labels too. When we rescued a Chihuahua mix, we gave her both of our names.

When discussing this issue upon marriage, he greatly wants me to take his name. I think it's mainly because of tradition and ego honestly and no real reason beyond that. I took my last name as my middle name no problem with my first marriage and I said to him that if he was willing to take my last name as his middle name as well, I would take his name. He agreed which actually made me tear up. We would still be The MyLastName HisLastName Family and we would have something special that would be just for us. No one necessarily has to know he changed his name, but we would.

Though, I would like to be introduced as "FI and Lindsay MyLastName HisLastNames"!!! I haven't broached that subject yet

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_last-name-change?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:aa25af8f-6fc7-451a-a45d-1cfa642674cePost:27cb1c31-7112-45ad-b55c-2550cbd97720">Re: Last name change</a>:
[QUOTE]Great Idea, Im just attached to my name because my grandfather brought it with him when he came here from Italy, and my heriitage is really important to me. My FH, however is a little bit of everything, so I dont even know where his last name came from. Does that make sense?
Posted by ngentile86[/QUOTE]

My family changed it's name from a specific Irish name to a generic one for reasons we still do not know.  It is still important to me.  The bottom line is that keeping your name does not have a damn thing to do with your FI nor does it show a "lack of respect" (whatever the frick that is supposed to mean).  I would be more concerned with his reasoning than his request.  What else does he expect you do do out of "respect" for him?