Quick Question about these boards

cjone2000

I'm fairly new to this community and noticed a few brides in the "wedding woes" section reply to many posts and are very rude and attack the original poster. Is that a normal thing? Just curious as after an experience in that section, has anyone else has had similar experience?? Or it could just be the ladies that use that particular forum/board? Thanks! Good luck to all you beautiful brides still planning!

NillaWafer10

Congrats!  What has been your favorite part about planning thus far?

cjone2000

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_quick-question-boards?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:adfdd36e-e1fb-424f-b177-91c9713d8f08Post:06e0b1ba-a5db-403a-9c3b-51142e873010">Re: Quick Question about these boards</a>:
[QUOTE]Congrats!  What has been your favorite part about planning thus far?
Posted by NillaWafer10[/QUOTE]

I have to say dress shopping was the most fun. I found my dress in one weekend of trying on about 20 dresses and found the right dress. I was lucky. What about you Nilla? I love your profile pic btw, very cute! Since I'm getting married in the middle of winter in Alaska, I think pics in the middle of the road aren't an option, ha ha.

cjone2000

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_quick-question-boards?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:adfdd36e-e1fb-424f-b177-91c9713d8f08Post:2117a458-8261-4602-9e93-6ba44b5655ee">Re: Quick Question about these boards</a>:
[QUOTE]Some of the boards you have to get a "feel" for if you know what I mean. Some of the girls can be downright nasty and snarky, but most of the boards are not this way.
Posted by MissySue20[/QUOTE]

Missy, thanks for the heads up... I guess I just needed to find the right one, huh? I won't name names, but yeah, there are some pretty nasty bridezillas on here.  You'd think ladies going through the same wedding stress and craziness would emphatize and be kind.
 
My first post ever on here was about what to do about my future step kids -- their mother (fiance's ex) announced to us today that she didn't want them flying to Alaska for our wedding. We purchased tickets for them over a month ago with their mother's permission. We also arranged for their aunt to fly with them, so it was a very hard day with the news that the ex-wife wasn't letting the boys fly to the wedding from NC to AK.

When I came to the wedding woes board asking for advice on what to do, how to handle the situation, they really just attacked me mostly. Only two people gave okay advice but a lot of the responses were negative and attacking me for not having enough money to hire a lawyer. They even started saying negative things about my fiance, how he must be a bad father since he deosn't live close enough to his kids. He's in the military and stationed in Germany, so he can't decide where he lives.

Anyway, I just needed to vent a little because I was just shocked at the replies people left on my post.

bdulli13

Wow, I went back too and read. They were all way out of line. That said, I will give you some of my advice, and take it as you want.

I don't think not being able to afford a lawyer unexpectedly means you aren't ready for marriage. Lawyers are a rolling cost, that gets higher, and higher, and higher as time drags on. It's something you have to prepare for, much like the wedding-- you saved up and planned, which is what you will have to do here also. If you were saying, "We can't afford an apartment together but we're getting married!" my advice would be entirely different. Not to mention, today's economy sucks. Period. Draining your safety net to pay for a lawyer would be stupid, and you would have no leg to stand on when you went to court to say that you guys are financially fit and stable.

You're not going to like to do it, but I say get married as planned, without the kids if you must. Everyone has purchased what is probably expensive trips to Alaska for your day, and if your husband is in the military, it's probably been tough to even nail down one day to make it all happen. There is no point in pissing away the money you have spent at this point. Get married, and then take a trip to see the boys ASAP. Take them to somewhere special, and renew your vows so they can be a part of it. It can be as simple as the four of you, but it may make your hubby feel better to know they can be included somehow. I do agree with the other posters that you need to get an attorney involved, but again, start saving for it. Make a game plan-- do you want part time custody? Full custody? Are you ready to be a step parent to them? At the very least, he needs to take her to court to get her to live up to her side of the bargain. The boys need their dad, and their dad doesn't need to worry about fighting with their mother while he is overseas.

Like TLDH said, not everyone is bad, and most of us will give you blatant advice, like it or not. But not everyone is just waiting to jump on every word you say like those crazies. Good luck to you and your husband to be!

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_quick-question-boards?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:adfdd36e-e1fb-424f-b177-91c9713d8f08Post:f34de984-0998-4f98-8b1e-bdc7db87f062">Quick Question about these boards</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm fairly new to this community and noticed a few brides in the "wedding woes" section reply to many posts and are very rude and attack the original poster. Is that a normal thing? Just curious as after an experience in that section, has anyone else has had similar experience?? Or it could just be the ladies that use that particular forum/board? Thanks! Good luck to all you beautiful brides still planning!
Posted by cjone2000[/QUOTE]
I don't post on WW, so I went back and read.  I think you misinterpreted what a lot of people were saying in terms of "if you can't hire a lawyer you shouldn't be married."

What they were saying is that your priorities are pretty screwed up.  You admitted yourself that you are spending $15000 of  your own money on a wedding, so that's why you don't have $10000 to spend on a lawyer.  If your FI really wants to have access to his kids, which, as they point out, will only happen through the legal system, what you should have done is JOPed if for $100 and spent the last $14900 on the lawyer.  At the end of the day, you're still married; it just means that you'd have to sacrifice your pretty princess day for the sake of the kids - welcome to parenthood.

They gave you good advice.  You just chose not to hear it.

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_quick-question-boards?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:adfdd36e-e1fb-424f-b177-91c9713d8f08Post:207882b1-ea49-40bc-bf6e-be10046eeb3d">Re: Quick Question about these boards</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Quick Question about these boards : I don't post on WW, so I went back and read.  I think you misinterpreted what a lot of people were saying in terms of "if you can't hire a lawyer you shouldn't be married." What they were saying is that your priorities are pretty screwed up.  You admitted yourself that you are spending $15000 of  your own money on a wedding, so that's why you don't have $10000 to spend on a lawyer.  If your FI really wants to have access to his kids, which, as they point out, will only happen through the legal system, what you should have done is JOPed if for $100 and spent the last $14900 on the lawyer.  At the end of the day, you're still married; it just means that you'd have to sacrifice your pretty princess day for the sake of the kids - welcome to parenthood. They gave you good advice.  You just chose not to hear it.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

I fall on this side of things and completely agree with Tide.  If my fiance was having child problems and this was something that was hurting him deeply (and for reasons more than "they can't be our ring bearers!") then I'd be cutting things from the wedding, freeing up money, on the phone to a lawyer and trying to work this out.

bdulli13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_quick-question-boards?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:adfdd36e-e1fb-424f-b177-91c9713d8f08Post:207882b1-ea49-40bc-bf6e-be10046eeb3d">Re: Quick Question about these boards</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Quick Question about these boards : I don't post on WW, so I went back and read.  I think you misinterpreted what a lot of people were saying in terms of "if you can't hire a lawyer you shouldn't be married." What they were saying is that your priorities are pretty screwed up.  You admitted yourself that you are spending $15000 of  your own money on a wedding, so that's why you don't have $10000 to spend on a lawyer.  If your FI really wants to have access to his kids, which, as they point out, will only happen through the legal system, what you should have done is JOPed if for $100 and spent the last $14900 on the lawyer.  At the end of the day, you're still married; it just means that you'd have to sacrifice your pretty princess day for the sake of the kids - welcome to parenthood. They gave you good advice.  You just chose not to hear it.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

If they were just starting the wedding planning, I would agree. But at this point, what money is left to save for a lawyer? They are two months out. Deposits are all in, plane tickets have been purchased, etc. Hind sight is 20/20, but what happened here is probably that the wedding situation was the last straw. Pre-her, FI may not have had too many options, with him serving in Germany. Being a married couple will open more doors for custody battles, etc., as he now has someone willing and able to be there for his children when his service means he can't.

tldh

OP - Tide and Joy's tough love is an example of something you'll find on other boards.  You'll never find a personal insult in any of their answers.

bdulli13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_quick-question-boards?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:adfdd36e-e1fb-424f-b177-91c9713d8f08Post:c3e9e567-2a3f-466f-8622-0572269edaaa">Re: Quick Question about these boards</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Quick Question about these boards : I agree that nothing can be done now.  However, OP stated that ex has a history of acting this way; why either one of them would think that their situation is going to get better without a lawyer is beyond me.  If it were a question of having more grounds for custody since they're married, as I stated previously, they could have been just as legally married by the JOP.  It does make me question the maturity of OP and her FI if they put a $15000 party (which, as she stated, only took them 6 months to save for) ahead of the children. 
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]


Ahhh, I gotcha. And you are right, married is married whether it's with a $15k party, or a JOP.

OP, think about what you really want out of this situation. Obv. none of us know how old you are, or your fiance is, or every minute detail of your relationship and his previous relationship, or how long the crazy has been going on with his ex (is it a forever thing, or did this start after the wedding plans started?). But the fact is there are two kids who need stability, and you guys, if you're going to fight about this, need to be ready to give it to them. Taking her to court is more than just about having ring bearers, it's going to be tough on everyone. Don't go into it out of spite because she is flaking out on the kids visitation. Go into it because you love the kids and want them to be a part of your lives. And consider the lifestyle you guys are living and what part that will play also-- will the kids be visiting in Germany on a regular basis? Alaska? What can you guys provide for them? WIll they visit quarterly? Annually?

It's a very big deal to be in visitation/custody battles, and I would imagine even harder when one of the fighting parents is military and can't even be in the same country on his court dates. Maybe you did make a mistake by planning the wedding instead of fighting for custody, and maybe you didn't and she just started acting foolish in the last few months when she found out her ex was getting hitched. Just remember that the kids, from here on out, should <strong>always</strong> come first. They are number one, and the adult BS should be put aside for their sake.

bdulli13

PS Tide, I've seen some of your posts on other topics, and your sig catches my eye every time. Your little one is soooooo cute. And bless your heart for having 3 under 3!!! It's going to be crazy and wonderful!

cjone2000

Thank you all for your advice, it was much better put than the previous board I tried. We are two months out from the wedding and it would be tough to fight a court battle in that little window of time before the wedding. We will see how it plays out and if the boys can't make it, we will come up with something else to let them know they are loved and part of our family too. My fiance and I have talked that after the wedding that we are more than likely going to get a lawyer - but see what the law office at the base in Germany can advise us to do.

That $15k ($4k of that was to go toward helping pay for plane tickets of family that couldn't afford to come) is actually a combo of our money and my parents contributions to help pay for things. Even if we hired a lawyer today, it would take probably a year to straighten out this mess. Since we had 6 months to get the money together for our wedding - all cash, no credit cards,we had to use our savings. We didn't want to go into debt after the wedding is all said and done. It is smart as if we do hire a lawyer later, we still aren't paying off wedding credit card bills. We love those boys so much and hope we can work it out with their mother to have them here in Alaska, not just for the wedding but to meet their new family and spend time with their dad.

The idea of a JOP sounds like a quick easy solution. But there are many factors in play here and cancelling is not an option. 90% of my family are flying from outside (lower 48) and already purchased tickets and such. My fiance has tried over the almost 4 years they've been divorced to do as much as he can with maintaining a relationship with his sons long distance. The biggest thing is she chose to move to NC when he was still stationed in Alaska for another 3 years after their divorce. So, the boys lost out on seeing him that whole time.

Being in the military makes things harder than what most civilians understand. You can't just choose to be stationed next to family just because you want to. It's a hard thing. I do think he will have more options once we are married and we can go to court to change the custody to joint custody or something of that nature. She was fine about them coming to Alaska when we double checked with her a month ago to purchase their plane tickets. She just decided today she didn't want them flying without her because she is afraid of terrorist attacks on the east coast.

We are preparing to go to court over this, because the boys deserve to see their daddy and not be caught in the middle like this. They were really looking forward to coming to Alaska for the wedding and everything. This isn't about ring bearers, it's about them being a part of their dad's life and being there at the start of our new family. It breaks my heart to see their mom's jealousy (she's getting remarried in less than a year) steal their joy of being a part of this event.

My fiance and I really want them to have stability as well, and their mother has struggled the last few years, despite receiving my fiance's consistent child support payments. Between a few DUIs and various boyfriends, it has been a tough life for those boys. But she is their mother, and they need each other.
 
Thank you gals for all your advice, I think there is a way to go about this like adults and keep the interests of the children at heart.

cjone2000

Oh and one more thing... it's not about whether or not my maturity is in question. It's really about making choices. I am going to choose to not let his ex-wife ruin our special day by maintaining a positive outlook, no matter what the outcome is. I'm only getting married once, have one opportunity to have a wedding and I will not let her drag me down to her level of being vendictive and spiteful. I know that I am better than that. I can't control what she does, but I control my attitude and my behavior.

We will try to get the boys overseas, wouldn't that be a great experience for them! And we of course will visit. My fiance has been really good over the last 4 years, he usually gets to visit them about 2x a year, it's hard with the cost of flying back and forth from AK to NC. He did an encredible job letting those boys know he loved them and cared about them.

bdulli13

It sounds to me like you guys have made a game plan. I hope it works out for you all, I truly do. Everything is so much harder when someone is in the military, and I know it will not be easy, but the kids are what is important here. Luck and love to you and your family-to-be.

heyimbren

OP, I replied on the WW thread. I'll be honest I agree with Tide on this one, but you need to work with the present not the past.

Manwaithiel

OP, one thing. Posting on another board about how mean people were to you on a different board only makes you look really petty and looking for sympathy. I'm not really sure where I stand on your issue and I'm not saying people weren't being  nasty, cause they were. I'm saying that this approach is frowned upon and it usually ends up in people not taking you seriously.

Just FYI.

cjone2000

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_quick-question-boards?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:adfdd36e-e1fb-424f-b177-91c9713d8f08Post:4106f617-8b09-43f9-9edf-09d8edaa8f13">Re: Quick Question about these boards</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, one thing. Posting on another board about how mean people were to you on a different board only makes you look really petty and looking for sympathy. I'm not really sure where I stand on your issue and I'm not saying people weren't being  nasty, cause they were. I'm saying that this approach is frowned upon and it usually ends up in people not taking you seriously. Just FYI.
Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]

I understand where you are coming from. I was honestly thinking about completely leaving the knot because if the same treatment is being shown to other people, and not just me, then it doesn't make much sense to get advice from a type of forum where people just want to attack you. Other things happened that just surprised me, behavior by grown ups. I've been part of many forums before and this is the first time I've been treated that way, ever, online. I like the advice some of the ladies on this board gave, that each board is a little different and that you need to find where you fit. I just didn't want to stay on a board where people were so negative.

cjone2000

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_quick-question-boards?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:adfdd36e-e1fb-424f-b177-91c9713d8f08Post:e50a112f-e969-41e3-9c3a-11786bc7c1d7">Re: Quick Question about these boards</a>:
[QUOTE]It sounds to me like you guys have made a game plan. I hope it works out for you all, I truly do. Everything is so much harder when someone is in the military, and I know it will not be easy, but the kids are what is important here. Luck and love to you and your family-to-be.
Posted by bdulli13[/QUOTE]

Thanks for the encouragement! With my fiance being in the military, we are already facing challenges that have nothing to do with the wedding, such as moving, paperwork, etc. My fiance is a planner, and this whole situation is kind of a "last straw" thing. He was patient all this time with his ex-wife and gave her a lot of grace under fire type thing. But now it's gone too far, so he and I are making plans to take action. Just wish it wasn't two months before a major life event and that the children may be missing out on everything. But sometimes that's how life goes.

zitiqueen

I'm completely with Tide and the WW ladies on this one. This problem didn't just spring up this week; it's been going on for as long as your relationship. You say in one breath that the birth mom is very unpredictable and in the very next breath you say she pulls this stuff all the time. This problem has always been entirely within your FI's grasp to fix, he's just always refused to do it. You have nobody but yourselves to blame for the entire situation.

You both decided that your pretty princess day was more important than his children. When his kids get older and realize that their dad didn't care enough to fight for them, you think back on your $15,000 party. This is all on you two.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_quick-question-boards?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:adfdd36e-e1fb-424f-b177-91c9713d8f08Post:2320edc3-3f79-4588-ab24-dceaf7156639">Re: Quick Question about these boards</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you all for your advice, it was much better put than the previous board I tried. We are two months out from the wedding and it would be tough to fight a court battle in that little window of time before the wedding. We will see how it plays out and if the boys can't make it, we will come up with something else to let them know they are loved and part of our family too. My fiance and I have talked that after the wedding that we are more than likely going to get a lawyer - but see what the law office at the base in Germany can advise us to do. That $15k ($4k of that was to go toward helping pay for plane tickets of family that couldn't afford to come) is actually a combo of our money and my parents contributions to help pay for things. Even if we hired a lawyer today, it would take probably a year to straighten out this mess. Since we had 6 months to get the money together for our wedding - all cash, no credit cards,we had to use our savings. We didn't want to go into debt after the wedding is all said and done. It is smart as if we do hire a lawyer later, we still aren't paying off wedding credit card bills. We love those boys so much and hope we can work it out with their mother to have them here in Alaska, not just for the wedding but to meet their new family and spend time with their dad. The idea of a JOP sounds like a quick easy solution. But there are many factors in play here and cancelling is not an option. 90% of my family are flying from outside (lower 48) and already purchased tickets and such. My fiance has tried over the almost 4 years they've been divorced to do as much as he can with maintaining a relationship with his sons long distance. The biggest thing is she chose to move to NC when he was still stationed in Alaska for another 3 years after their divorce. So, the boys lost out on seeing him that whole time. Being in the military makes things harder than what most civilians understand. You can't just choose to be stationed next to family just because you want to. It's a hard thing. I do think he will have more options once we are married and we can go to court to change the custody to joint custody or something of that nature. She was fine about them coming to Alaska when we double checked with her a month ago to purchase their plane tickets. She just decided today she didn't want them flying without her because she is afraid of terrorist attacks on the east coast. We are preparing to go to court over this, because the boys deserve to see their daddy and not be caught in the middle like this. They were really looking forward to coming to Alaska for the wedding and everything. This isn't about ring bearers, it's about them being a part of their dad's life and being there at the start of our new family. It breaks my heart to see their mom's jealousy (she's getting remarried in less than a year) steal their joy of being a part of this event. My fiance and I really want them to have stability as well, and their mother has struggled the last few years, despite receiving my fiance's consistent child support payments. Between a few DUIs and various boyfriends, it has been a tough life for those boys. But she is their mother, and they need each other.   Thank you gals for all your advice, I think there is a way to go about this like adults and keep the interests of the children at heart.
Posted by cjone2000[/QUOTE]

cjone2000

You can't please all people all the time. Wow. I'm done.

jerseydevil

cjone2000 - You posted a very complicated and sensitive issue onto the internet and people are more likely to be blunt to a stanger in a computer screen than they would be if you were their sister or best friend. I'll refrain from giving advice since I think you've gotten quite a bit of it and I can't speak from personal experience on the topic, but I do wish you the best for your wedding day and in dealing with your future husband's situation.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_quick-question-boards?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:adfdd36e-e1fb-424f-b177-91c9713d8f08Post:17694b6a-a9f6-4e4e-b641-5671f27ba861">Re: Quick Question about these boards</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>You can't please all people all the time.</strong> <strong>Wow. I'm done.
</strong>Posted by cjone2000[/QUOTE]

Especially children, whose needs clearly don't matter to you or their father.

And "you're done"? Pfft. I'm willing to bet you've put in more time trying to convince a bunch of Internet strangers why you having your $15,000 pretty princess day is more important than you and your FI have in making sure his children know without a doubt that they have at least one parent who puts their needs above all else.

These kids got screwed in the parent department, that's for sure.

cjone2000

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_quick-question-boards?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:adfdd36e-e1fb-424f-b177-91c9713d8f08Post:58a28df6-2df1-47fb-8474-6ccd6d10c6d2">Re: Quick Question about these boards</a>:
[QUOTE]cjone2000 - You posted a very complicated and sensitive issue onto the internet and people are more likely to be blunt to a stanger in a computer screen than they would be if you were their sister or best friend. I'll refrain from giving advice since I think you've gotten quite a bit of it and I can't speak from personal experience on the topic, but I do wish you the best for your wedding day and in dealing with your future husband's situation.
Posted by jerseydevil[/QUOTE]

Thank you for your kindness Jersey. I'm learning as a newbie here that there are people with very different views on what is okay to say on a public forum, to complete strangers. A little grace, understanding and kindness goes a long way. Again, thank you and best to you as well.