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Do we tell???

Ok so SIL is getting married. Her FI, I mean boyfriend, told her that he has the ring and they will get married as soon as she quits smoking. I found out that he hasn't proposed yet but is planning to even though she already invited people and has set plans to get married in Mexico next year.   He told me that she did quit smoking there and she told him that she was done. Well, my H went to Mexico this year with her on a family vacation and he said she smoked the entire time. I feel obligated to tell him or that Jordan should just so he knows that she is lying to him. I need some help and input on this. I don't know what to do. If she found out we told on her she would b beyond pissed but I know her bf and he is a great guy and doesnt deserve to be lied to, especially since it is about marriage. Please help me figure this out!

Re: Do we tell???

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_do-we-tell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:ae221369-5678-464e-bbde-f9395ea42ddfPost:952f408b-9236-4262-a78b-519b8e71161f">Do we tell???</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok so SIL is getting married. Her FI, I mean boyfriend, told her that he has the ring and they will get married as soon as she quits smoking. I found out that he hasn't proposed yet but is planning to even though she already invited people and has set plans to get married in Mexico next year.   He told me that she did quit smoking there and she told him that she was done. Well, my H went to Mexico this year with her on a family vacation and he said she smoked the entire time. I feel obligated to tell him or that Jordan should just so he knows that she is lying to him. I need some help and input on this. I don't know what to do. If she found out we told on her she would b beyond pissed but I know her bf and he is a great guy and doesnt deserve to be lied to, especially since it is about marriage. Please help me figure this out!
    Posted by jaciforsman[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Stay out of it.  It's not about marriage, it's about him telling her what to do, and her rebelling against it.</div><div>
    </div><div>The smell of smoke is pretty obvious.  If he doesn't know already, he will.  </div><div>
    </div><div>Leave it alone.  None of this is any of your business.

    </div>
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    If she's smoking, he knows.  You can't hide the smell, especially from a non-smoker.  My FI and I are both quit over a year ago and one night about 2 months ago I went out with my girls and got really drunk and had one cigarette, and he could smell it on me the next day!  I have a co-worker who smokes at work but thinks he hides it from his wife, and she knows that he smokes, but doesn't say anything to him about it, even though she hates it.

    My advice: stay out of it. 
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    Her mom smokes in the house and she is always out there so she smells like it anyways. I kinda mentioned to him that I thought I had saw her smoking out there when we went out like 2 weeks ago but that was before I found out about her smoking in Mexico. Thanks! I will stay out of it :)

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    If they have set a date and invited people, then they are engaged, and he is her fiance, whether he has proposed or not, and whether she has a ring or not.

    It's none of your business if she is smoking.  Stay out of it and let them deal with it.  
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    jaciforsmanjaciforsman member
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    edited March 2012
    I will say that she is 17 and has been smoking since like 13? possibly younger. Her mom smokes. It's just hard watching her use him like that. She hates me the way it is so getting involved would make it much worse. Thanks for the inputs!!!
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    Honestly, I'd be a lot more concerned about the fact that she is 17 is getting married than about the smoking.

    Also, while her FI may have the best intentions behind telling her to quit smoking (for health reasons, etc...) I really think his approach to it is repulsive. He can't tell her what to do (she may be a kid, but she's not his kid).  If having a partner who doesn't smoke is so important to him, he shouldn't be planning to marry someone who does smoke. The point in getting married is to spend your life with the person you love, not to spend your life molding a person into who you think they should be.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_do-we-tell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:ae221369-5678-464e-bbde-f9395ea42ddfPost:952f408b-9236-4262-a78b-519b8e71161f">Do we tell???</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok so SIL is getting married. Her FI, I mean boyfriend, told her that he has the ring and <strong>they will get married as soon as she quits smoking.</strong> I found out that he hasn't proposed yet but is planning to even though she already invited people and has set plans to get married in Mexico next year.   He told me that she did quit smoking there and <strong>she told him that she was done</strong>. Well, my H went to Mexico this year with her on a family vacation and he said <strong>she smoked the entire time</strong>. <strong>I feel obligated to tell him or that Jordan should just so he knows that she is lying to him.</strong> I need some help and input on this. I don't know what to do. If she found out we told on her she would b beyond pissed but I know her bf and he is a great guy and doesnt deserve to be lied to, especially since it is about marriage. Please help me figure this out!
    Posted by jaciforsman[/QUOTE]


    He probably hasn't proposed yet because he knows she's full of crap about quitting smoking.

    To a non-smoker, it's damn near impossible to hide the fact that you're smoking, even if you think you're being secretive about it. Trust me, my dad has been in denial about the fact that he smokes for almost 30 years now. Nobody in our family has actually seen him light up, but we all know he does it.

    *I felt sorry for my husband before I met him. Take a number.*
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    The conditional proposal, the lying... sounds like 17 years old to me. And WAY too young to be thinking about marriage.
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    I was just going to say stay out of it but omg she's 17? She needs to put this wedding planning on hold until 1. He proposes and 2. She can legally buy her own cigarettes. Crazy.
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    I'd still stay out of it, even with this new information. The situation sounds messed up, but still none of your business. And I dislike how you say she's "playing him" -- to me he's the unreasonable one.
    Lizzie
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_do-we-tell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:ae221369-5678-464e-bbde-f9395ea42ddfPost:6e72864a-3c94-483e-8114-148194125922">Re: Do we tell???</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>I'd still stay out of it, even with this new information. The situation sounds messed up, but still none of your business. And I dislike how you say she's "playing him"</strong> -- to me he's the unreasonable one.
    Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

    Agreed. OP, you're not the judge. Stay out of their relationship. It's not your place to step in and play tattle-tale. Does their relationship need some time to mature? Sure, the girls 17 and we don't know how old the guy is. IMO, that's asking for trouble, but who am I to judge? Is it your place to tell them that? Nope.

    Part of life is making mistakes and growing/learning from them. If this chick wants to continue smoking, that's her choice. I also think that ultimatums like this ('if you don't stop smoking, I'm not proposing') are bullshit and that alone shows the maturity of the relationship. No 'great guy' gives ultimatums to the person he's in love with enough to contemplate marriage to. Instead, he should help her quit and be supportive instead of demanding it.

    In the end though, keep your nose out of it. You're not this girls FI, you're not her mama and you're not her judge. The only person you can control is yourself.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_do-we-tell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:ae221369-5678-464e-bbde-f9395ea42ddfPost:952f408b-9236-4262-a78b-519b8e71161f">Do we tell???</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok so SIL is getting married. Her FI, I mean boyfriend, told her that he has the ring and they will get married as soon as she quits smoking. I found out that he hasn't proposed yet but is planning to even though she already invited people and has set plans to get married in Mexico next year.   He told me that she did quit smoking there and she told him that she was done. Well, my H went to Mexico this year with her on a family vacation and he said she smoked the entire time. I feel obligated to tell him or that Jordan should just so he knows that she is lying to him. I need some help and input on this. I don't know what to do. If she found out we told on her she would b beyond pissed but I know her bf and he is a great guy and doesnt deserve to be lied to, especially since it is about marriage. Please help me figure this out!
    Posted by jaciforsman[/QUOTE]

    It's none of your business and you should stay out of it.  It is not your place to get involved and why would you want to be a "pot-stirrer" anyways?

    Now, if she was having an affair with his BM or something, then that would be a different story entirely....but she's not, so butt out.

     

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    Thanks! Yes she is 17 and he is 22... she will b 18 next month. They have been dating for just over a year... I will admit this is the best guy she has been with and her parents love him, his parents, not so much the same with her. Idk i think that she just feels like she has to be married right now. They wanted to do sturgis this year but decided on Mexico 2013. I agree with staying out of it, it is none of my business and if he cant smell or taste the smoke then its his own problem. I also agree that she is way to young. I couldnt imagine trying on wedding dresses instead of Prom dresses... Her mom would buy her smokes or she would just steal them. DH has had to buy for her, if he doesnt the world is going to end and he didnt wanna hear it so he just did it when they lived at home. She's been smoking since like 12 or so (she would steal them from her mom).
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_do-we-tell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:ae221369-5678-464e-bbde-f9395ea42ddfPost:f29dcd79-c98a-4087-9643-8a638941261d">Re: Do we tell???</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Do we tell??? : Stay out of it.  It's not about marriage, it's about him telling her what to do, and her rebelling against it. The smell of smoke is pretty obvious.  If he doesn't know already, he will.   Leave it alone.  None of this is any of your business.
    Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]




    Exactly
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_do-we-tell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:ae221369-5678-464e-bbde-f9395ea42ddfPost:7274649f-3757-45d1-be67-8e4e7e06f969">Re: Do we tell???</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks! Yes she is 17 and he is 22... she will b 18 next month. They have been dating for just over a year... I will admit this is the best guy she has been with and her parents love him, his parents, not so much the same with her. Idk i think that she just feels like she has to be married right now. They wanted to do sturgis this year but decided on Mexico 2013. I agree with staying out of it, it is none of my business and if he cant smell or taste the smoke then its his own problem. I also agree that she is way to young. I couldnt imagine trying on wedding dresses instead of Prom dresses... <strong>Her mom would buy her smokes or she would just steal them. DH has had to buy for her, if he doesnt the world is going to end and he didnt wanna hear it so he just did it when they lived at home</strong>. She's been smoking since like 12 or so (she would steal them from her mom).
    Posted by jaciforsman[/QUOTE]

    I know this is aside the point, but the bold part irritates the absolute $hit out of me.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_do-we-tell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:ae221369-5678-464e-bbde-f9395ea42ddfPost:4f9d03da-86ee-4bc7-bb57-356069a98756">Re: Do we tell???</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Do we tell??? : I know this is aside the point, but the bold part irritates the absolute $hit out of me.
    Posted by NcsuPsych[/QUOTE]

    Same here.  Nobody "has" to buy smokes for anyone and it isn't excuse unless she's got a loaded gun to his head.  He's doing a disservice to her and himself with that excuse.

    Also it if were my DH it would raise flags for me that if we ever has kids he might be prone to just giving them/buy them whatever they want so he doesn't have to be inconvenienced dealing with the situation.
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