Need help - engaged at same time as brother!

porettag24

Hello everyone,

I recently got engaged to the love of my life... we had been dating for more than three years and have been talking about marriage for a couple years now.  My brother, who is 8 years older than me, also recently became engaged to the love of his life whom he had been dating for a year and a half.  I am so, so happy for them, but I am upset that everyone expects me to work around them since he's older and asked first - in fact, my fiance planned on asking me sooner, but put it off because he didn't want to "steal his thunder".  Am I wrong to be upset?  I have always dreamt of an early fall wedding, but they're looking at September/October 2013 and my mother has instructed that we cannot get married within a couple months of each other... but, we are two completely different couples and our weddings will be nothing alike so I don't really understand the problem there.  I'm also going back to school and will be in the thick of internships in the spring, summer and fall of 2014, so a wedding at that time will be a nightmare for me.  But, at this point, it seems like I don't have a choice.  Does anyone have advice for me?  Do you think it would be wrong for me to ask my brother's fiance about the possibilty of having our weddings within a month and a half of each other - ours 9/1/13 and there's in 10/2013?

Please help!

Sincerely,

Dazed and Confused

achiduck

Everyone - no matter how they're related gets a day, not a week or a month or a year or whatever frame of time your family deems "appropriate." Plan you wedding when and how you please. As long as it's not the same weekend as your brother you're fine.

FI and I got engaged a week and a half before my brothers wedding, it wasn't a big deal.

Maggie0829

You pick a date that works best for you and your FI and your brother and his FI will do the same.

Will your parents be helping to pay for your weddin?  If so, then that will have a bearing on when you can get married because with money comes strings and it sounds like your Mom is ready to pull them if she has to.

I think it is completely ridiculous that your Mom insists that you don't get married within a couple months of each other.  You each get one day, that it is it.  You don't get a few months or even a year, just one day.

Even though it is very thoughtful of you to want to ask their opinion on having your weddings a month apart you don't have to.  What happens if they say they don't want that?  In the end you need to do what is best for you and your FI.

ljsquintz

I am getting married in October, and my sister just got married in June - so our weddings are 4 months apart.  We did ask our parents in advance if it would be ok with them if we got married in the same year (they are contributing financially and we didn't want to burden them) and they said yes.  I would't have gotten married closer than 4 months though, for the convenience of our guests.  I also wanted to make sure my sister had plenty of time in the limelight (shower, bach party, etc).  I did feel a little guilty asking the family members who need to attend both to travel, pay for hotel, gifts, etc twice in one year, but everyone has been very supportive and excited that it is such a happy year for our family.  Do what works for you, but do think about your guests and not just your desires.

kmmssg

Our first 2 DD's to get married had their weddings within 3 months of each other.  One was my bio, the other my stepdd.  I had no input on the date of the stepdd (except for the major hissy her dad and I threw when she decided to get married 3 weeks before other DD).  They had overlapping guest lists.  The aunts and g'mas were NOT pleased to deal with 2 weddings and 2 showers in a 12 week timespan.  That is a lot of money and travel.

There is much to be said for "you each get one day" but when you are talking siblings, I think you are in completely different territory as you are asking a lot of the parents and the overlapping guests.

We will host wedding for all of your children (including DS if his FI's family doesn't).  That being said, we laid the law down to the other two girls who were not yet engaged or married.  If they wanted us to host their weddings, they had to be a minimum one year apart.

I see nothing at all inappropriate with OP's mom request to keep at least a couple of months between the weddings.  Even if I wasn't hosting, that would be a LOT of money for tuxes, MOB dresses, wedding gifts, shower gifts, and any other expenses like travel.

When you have overlapping guest lists  you need to be very mindful of the expense to those people.  Believe me, I got an EARFULL from the aunts/cousins/etc who travelled for showers and weddings and they did not feel it was polite at all!

porettag24

Thanks for all of the responses... I have a lot to consider.

I would like to say, however, that the time of year is ONLY important because of the weather, not because of the foliage.  We live in an area of the country with 4 very distinct seasons and my fiances family is from an area in New England where they get tons of snow in the winter... that said, we could not have a winter wedding because we'd be in danger of his family not being able to travel to get there, which means December-April are out of the question.  As for summer, I absolutely HATE the heat and will NEVER put myself through a summer wedding.  Also, our guestlist of out-of-towners will barely overlap.  There are probably only 10 or so people from out-of-town who are being invited to my wedding that would also be invited to my brothers. Lastly, my mother's concern is that "people will confuse them if they're so close together".  My main point is that I don't understand why they automatically have first choice of a date... is it simply because they're older and having a kid? It's not a shotgun wedding... they are waiting until after the baby's born.  I don't know... maybe you think I'm selfish, but if you knew me, you'd know that I am usually a pushover and I always put other's before myself.  I just can't help feeling that I shouldn't be that way when it comes to my wedding.  This is just an overal crappy situation

porettag24

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_need-help-engaged-at-same-time-as-brother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:ae58e4ba-d6fe-45f2-94b6-969370b36b51Post:2627ecc8-4ac5-42dc-a35c-7184a3695a1f">Re: Need help - engaged at same time as brother!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need help - engaged at same time as brother! : I don't think anyone here said you were selfish.  There's nothing wrong with wanting the date you want.  Why don't you sit down, decide which dates would work for you, and give your brother and his FI a call and let them know what you were thinking?  Maybe together you guys can work something out. The first person to book a venue gets first choice in date.  It doesn't matter who got engaged first.  So go book some vendors and then you can say you've selected X date and it's non-negotiable.
Posted by LingerLonger1[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry... I did not mean to imply that any of you called me selfish.  I was just saying that maybe I <em>sounded </em>selfish

MobKaz

I personally think that you and your FI should select the date that works best for the two of you. 

IF your parents were planning on helping you with expenses, they can make the decision as to how much, if any, impact your date will have on their contribution.  If the date for you and your FI is more important than any potential contributions, then that is also a choice you and he will need to face.

You mention that your brother and his FI are expecting a baby.  The pregnancy and birth may impact their date selection, and their chosen date may or may not change for them.  Babies and weddings can complicate life, and what they think may work today may change drastically after a baby is born. 

I realize all these issues are different for everyone.  My son and his cousin married three weeks apart.  One wedding was in Northern Wisconsin; the other in Chicago.  It required one side of the family to incur travel, hotel, and gift expenses twice.  It was a non-issue.  People typically have a good years notice of big events.  People can make choices as well as to how they can offset financial burdens by saving/planning ahead of time.  No one "confused" the weddings.

I think you do have a choice.  I don't see why you need to ask permission for your date selection.  You may incur some financial or guest fallout depending on the date you choose, but you would anticipate that going in.  Grown adults should be able to make accommodations and be flexible.

kmmssg

I do hope you don't think I thought you were being selfish as nothing could be further from the truth.  I just wanted you to hear from the "other side/dark side?" from a MOB who has been through this.

You do not have to let them choose their date first, but I do think it is wise to see if you can't coordinate a bit.  I am just lost on your mom thinking people will confuse the weddings!

zantster

I believe you should pick the date that makes you and your FI happy.  Then just reassure your family that you will do everything within your power to make sure that there is no confusion about the two weddings. For example, you can send out STDs well in advance with a free wedding website that can keep everyone updated.  Wedding websites allow you to even create a FAQ page if you'd like that could address any of the unique questions that might pop up due to the proximity of your brother's wedding to your own.   Also, share the info with your parents that you gave about the minimal OOT overlap between the guest lists as a contributing factor to why you decided to go ahead with your date.  

If your parents are helping to fund the wedding/recption hopefully they won't tie their contribution to an ultimatum (pick the date/time we want or you get no money).  If they do, then cross that bridge once you get to it by sitting down with your FI and listing the pros and cons (financial and otherwise) to caving in to an ultimatum.  If you have no choice because you can't afford it on your own then so be it.  Just be wary of accepting money with all kinds of strings attached since it might not be the last time that happens.  But don't assume that will be the case and end up counting your chickens before they've hatched.