Spontaneous marriage!?!?

Sayuri1

I have been with my fiance for the past five years. One night I told him how people just get married out of the blue and he said that we could do that too. The next morning he told me to get ready to go with him to city hall. When we got to city hall i couldn't believe it, I thought he was just messing with me but he wasn't. We got married on Feb 2010 without familiy and friends being present. I just told my family last month that I got married. They were a bit upset that I didn't let them be there and now they insist on throwing the big wedding day party. I'm just really happy. Is anyone else in the same situation??!?!  That they got married out of the blue without really thinking about having a big wedding?

girl2bewed

Just curious, is there a reason why you didn't tell your family in Feb when you got married? Why wait 3 months to tell them?

kikibaby

Why did you wait 4 months to tell your family?

lizstill13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_spontaneous-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:af188497-edc0-49bf-bf65-3e99e630aab6Post:05846156-880f-4810-b4a7-8f0e930777e1">Spontaneous marriage!?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have been with my fiance for the past five years. One night I told him how people just get married out of the blue and he said that we could do that too. The next morning he told me to get ready to go with him to city hall. When we got to city hall i couldn't believe it, I thought he was just messing with me but he wasn't. We got married on Feb 2010 without familiy and friends being present. I just told my family last month that I got married. They were a bit upset that I didn't let them be there and now they insist on throwing the big wedding day party. I'm just really happy. Is anyone else in the same situation??!?!  That they got married out of the blue without really thinking about having a big wedding?
Posted by Sayuri1[/QUOTE]

Why in the world would you wait that long to tell them?

trix1223

Honestly, speaking as a mom who's recently been MOB and was MOG a couple of years ago:  I'd be brokenhearted to find out 4 months AFTER my children got married that they had a ceremony without allowing us to be there.

I would crawl across hot coals mixed with broken glass to be at my childrens' weddings.  Fortunately I didn't have to because they included us in this important day.

I don't blame your mom for having hurt feelings.  The least you could have done was to tell them the day of the ceremony.  I can't begin to imagine why you would wait so long to tell them.

Having said that, I think if I were treated that poorly, I probably wouldn't be offering to throw a big celebration.  If I'm not important enough to be at the real wedding, I'm not paying for anything later.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_spontaneous-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:af188497-edc0-49bf-bf65-3e99e630aab6Post:05846156-880f-4810-b4a7-8f0e930777e1">Spontaneous marriage!?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have been with my fiance for the past five years. One night I told him how people just get married out of the blue and he said that we could do that too. The next morning he told me to get ready to go with him to city hall. When we got to city hall i couldn't believe it, I thought he was just messing with me but he wasn't. We got married on Feb 2010 without familiy and friends being present. I just told my family last month that I got married. They were a bit upset that I didn't let them be there and now they insist on throwing the big wedding day party. I'm just really happy. Is anyone else in the same situation??!?!  That they got married out of the blue without really thinking about having a big wedding?
Posted by Sayuri1[/QUOTE]

lizstill13

Wait, strike that last question and instead answer these: Are you really married or just engaged? Why are you having a wedding if you're already married?

my photographer! i got engaged in feb. and i researched for three months before I found something I loved and put down a deposit for   ~sayuri1 (on May 2011 wedding board)

My family is helping us alot with the wedding financially. However, my fiance's family hasn't offered to help at all. I'm not going to go ask them for money since that's straight out rude. Though I don't know how to go around telling them they have no say in the wedding since it is my family who is paying for it. My fiance wants to please them but refuses to bring up the financial problem to my MIL.  ~sayuri1 (on Wedding Woes board)

kikibaby

Good questions, Liz.

Are you having a vow renewal and pretending it's a wedding?  You can't have a wedding if you went to the JOP in Feb and got hitched, sorry.

Kristin&eric

I am so confused! Why would anyone want to wait and tell their family??? I called my mom secs after we got engaged! But good luck and congrats!!

LesPaul

You had a wedding day already.  The day you went to City Hall and got married.  You don't get another, and I would be very angry if my daughter waited 3 months to tell me she JOP'd like that.

redheadfsu

Sounds like you are having a vow renewal & not a wedding. Which is fine, but be honest with every single guest. I wouldn't suggest turning it into a huge pretty princess day. Most find that rude. So things like first dance, huge $ white dress, garter toss, etc. are inappropriate. When you elope, you give up many things for the privacy.

I'm not trying to ruin your party. We plan on eloping & are planning on having a small simple at home reception which would be more of a summer party than a traditional reception.

SarahPLiz

I'd be angry too. My mom is still angry 12 years later, after my older sister and BIL got married in Vegas on a road trip and didn't invite her. THey had only known each other for 6 weeks when he proposed, which was 2 weeks before the wedding. Yes, my mom is still pissed.

Having a vow renewal is fine, or having a big party with no ceremony is fine too, but its not your wedding day. Its can be a reception in honor of your marriage, but including another ceremony, unless its a church blessing, would be shady.

lizstill13

OP, where'd you go?

Sayuri1

Church blessing is important. I just said it because everyone is making it not seem that way. I'm sorry if I'm coming off offensive I'm not trying to I'm just trying to explain.

I said my husband was embarassed. I wanted to tell everyone from day one, every girl who gets engaged tells everyone right? It was really really really hard for me to keep that I was married because I was so happy. My husband just didn't want his family to say anything negative. That's why I asked that question about family and budget, because to his family money IS important. His family would be "why did you even get together if you don't have money" =( I couldn't tell my family because word would have spread fast and then his family would've been angry. That's why we took them all out to eat to share the news. I was just trying to share my story.

arthomas82

Are you EMO? Sorry, just learned that word from my niece and thats how I picture EMO.

duckie1905

I still think that your reasoning behind hiding one of the biggest events in your life is LAME.  Really?  Your husband was embarassed that there was no ring?  That seems like such a stupid reason to lie to the people in your life.

Grownups deal with the life decisions they make.  Deal with this one.  You made a spontaneous decision to get married.  Part of being an adult is living with the consequences of your actions.  In this case it seems like the consequence is regret-for you and your families.

You wanted to tell people but didn't?  Lame.  It wasn't rude not to invite them but it was horribly cruel to not even tell them and to lie to them.

SarahPLiz

Um, yeah, you got married that day. Your engagement only lasted from the time he said to get dressed to the time you said I Do.  Neither a wedding nor an engagement requires a ring. If you thought your family would object because you don't have money, it probably is because you don't have money for everyday life, not just a ring.

Not owning up to your decisions as an adult is a sign of immaturity. Wanting to do something spontaneously (which is not spontaneous if you plan it, but whatever) is never a good reason to get married, IMO. If that's what you wanted, you could have had ice cream for dinner, had sex in a public place, or gone on a road trip.

In any case, if you want  a church blessing, then have one, but its not a wedding. You are already wedded to your husband. To have all the showers and dresses and WP and stuff would be in bad taste. If your parents want to throw a party and you want to as well, then do it. But its not a wedding, and he is your husband, not your fiance. You made the decision, now you get to own it like a grown up.


To answer your question, though, I do know people who got married without thinking about a big wedding. I do not, however, know people who got married without thinking about being married, and really owning their decision. Your (as a couple) lack of pride in the step you took in your relationship tells me that you were unsure, immature, and not ready to be married.

LiaDee

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_spontaneous-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:af188497-edc0-49bf-bf65-3e99e630aab6Post:6d69cc19-204a-4bc0-b9e1-12068a6d4ee3">Re: Spontaneous marriage!?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]Are you EMO? Sorry, just learned that word from my niece and thats how I picture EMO.
Posted by arthomas82[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>HAHAHAHAHAHA this is awesome</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>Have whatever you want, make your own rules! Just accept that sometimes the people you love can be hurt by you excluding them or you not being fully honest with them! </div>

HisCB

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_spontaneous-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:af188497-edc0-49bf-bf65-3e99e630aab6Post:565f3d2a-6eb2-4ddb-b739-0814ec1b4f27">Re: Spontaneous marriage!?!?</a>:
[QUOTE] ...If you thought your family would object because you don't have money, it probably is because you don't have money for everyday life, not just a ring. Not <strong>owning up to your decisions as an adult is a sign of immaturity.</strong>
...You made the decision, now you get to own it like a grown up. To answer your question, though, I do know people who got married without thinking about a big wedding. I do not, however, know people who got married without thinking about being married, and really owning their decision. Your (as a couple) <strong>lack of pride in the step you took in your relationship tells me that you were unsure, immature, and not ready to be married.
</strong>Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

i would have to agree with you sarah

InferiorToKaos

I didn't read every single reply to this...but in the initial couple of posts I got the idea that it was her family that wants to throw the wedding/reception...not her.  I completely understand the spontaneous eloping...I think it's perfectly fine.  I almost didn't invite my own mother to my wedding, which we planned in 27 days.  We only invited 30 people...closest relatives...and we were scrupulous about who we did pick (ex. this aunt, but not this aunt)

We got married to get married....that for us had nothing to do with our families....we had a reception for our families.  Personally would I have a big redo style event.  Hell no, I like the intimate thing.  But if they wanted to throw a party and there was a simple church blessing...more power to them.  It's a great reason to get everyone together to enjoy food and fun.  Just a party. 

goheels05

Wanted to do something spontaneous?  When my DH and I want to do something spontaneous, we go out for ice cream or have sex in the living room, not go to the courthouse and get married without telling anyone. 

shellydiane820

I'd be offended if I was a family member.  Its one thing to get married without them, but to be married a few months and not say anything.

Needless to say, I've never been in that situation?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?

BecW2be

Heels FTW.

Has anyone asked how old you are yet? This entire post feels like some teenager who got a tattoo of Eddie Munster on her bicep and now regrets it and wants the chinese symbol for "butterfly" tattooed over it instead. Neither of these situations will end well.

526SadieSadie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_spontaneous-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:af188497-edc0-49bf-bf65-3e99e630aab6Post:42b2679f-b511-4730-9485-e57831f00360">Re: Spontaneous marriage!?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]The reason I waited so long to tell my family is because my husband/fiance was embarassed he didn't have a ring for me, but he wanted to do something spontaneous so he took me to city hall. As soon as we left city hall he told me he would buy me a ring and he did. After he did his taxes he went to the jewelery store and bought my ring, therefore we took both of our families to dinner and told them the news. I do awknowledge it was rude not to invite family, but like I said it was spontaneous. I was not planning on having the big wedding party. <strong>My familiy wanted us to do it the old fashion way going through the church and having a party afterwards.</strong> As for the photographer I was only going to do a one session to have something to remember my marriage. For me I'm happy with the one photo session and my marriage license.
Posted by Sayuri1[/QUOTE]

Let me cut through the BS really quickly.  YOU. CAN'T. GET. MARRIED. IN. A. CHURCH. IF. YOU'RE. ALREADY. MARRIED. 

Know why?

BECAUSE YOU"RE ALREADY MARRIED.
If you wanted to get married in a church now, you'd have to divorce and have the marriage annulled.  Renew your vows in front of your families and friends and have a party if you want to, but quit calling it a wedding.  You had one already, at city hall.  You give up things like the fancy dress and the bridesmaids and bridal shower and all the other fancy wedding stuff when you go to city hall or to Las Vegas.  There's nothing wrong with eloping but you cannot have another wedding.

dmiller9274

This honestly sounds like complete nonsense to me...not telling anyone that you got married because you didn't have a ring??? Seriously????

I honestly believe if people feel like they have to hide something or lie about it, it's because they know they did something wrong.

jennylove810

OP, you should be thanking your lucky stars that you have a mother who is a Saint from Heaven.  If you were MY kid and you ran off and eloped 3+ months ago and didn't tell a soul for the superficial reason of not having a ring, there ain't no way in hell I'd be paying for you to have a church blessing/ceremony/whatever and a reception after the fact.

And while you're thanking those lucky stars, you should be apologizing for your selfish, secretive ways, and for hurting  your family, every single day.

M&R7111

My FI's friend from out of state with a "similar" situation.  He married his wife quickly at the court house (green card/timing issues, she's not American) but only close family and friends know.  Actually, they didn't know it happened but just found out now, about a six months later! 

Everyone else assumes they are "engaged" and they are going to have a "real wedding" with everyone and the white dress and the reception sometime next summer.  I don't know how they are going to pull that off.

I think this is a strange way to go about things.  Why not just say they are married, and renew vowels later - call it like it is!! 

Night_Sprite

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_spontaneous-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:af188497-edc0-49bf-bf65-3e99e630aab6Post:634a1b24-7eb3-41bb-8888-407ae06cd0f0">Re: Spontaneous marriage!?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI's friend from out of state with a "similar" situation.  He married his wife quickly at the court house (green card/timing issues, she's not American) but only close family and friends know.  Actually, they didn't know it happened but just found out now, about a six months later!  <strong>Everyone else assumes they are "engaged" and they are going to have a "real wedding" with everyone and the white dress and the reception sometime next summer.</strong>  I don't know how they are going to pull that off. I think this is a strange way to go about things.  Why not just say they are married, and renew vowels later - call it like it is!! 
Posted by M&R7111[/QUOTE]
Just to clarify, OP.  This is a sure fire way to piss people off further.  When you eloped, you opted out of the big church wedding.  You can have a blessing that doesn't involve a party or presents.

L-Bride

Are you going to be wearing a wedding gown and have BMs etc? If so, that would seem very odd to me.

[Deleted User]

I had a spontaneous baby one time. It took 9 months for it to come out, but wow! It was spontaneous!

missy68

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_spontaneous-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:af188497-edc0-49bf-bf65-3e99e630aab6Post:20fe9079-6428-4b9f-8d4f-dbbcfb2c9f40">Re: Spontaneous marriage!?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Spontaneous marriage!?!? : Let me cut through the BS really quickly.  YOU. CAN'T. GET. MARRIED. IN. A. CHURCH. IF. YOU'RE. ALREADY. MARRIED.  Know why? BECAUSE YOU"RE ALREADY MARRIED. If you wanted to get married in a church now, you'd have to divorce and have the marriage annulled.  Renew your vows in front of your families and friends and have a party if you want to, but quit calling it a wedding.  You had one already, at city hall.  <strong>You give up things like the fancy dress and the bridesmaids and bridal shower and all the other fancy wedding stuff when you go to city hall or to Las Vegas.  </strong>There's nothing wrong with eloping but you cannot have another wedding.
Posted by 526SadieSadie[/QUOTE]

I beg to differ. You don't have to give up the "fancy wedding stuff" when you go either place. There are many examples of both on here (Kiki, Julezlee, me, the Las Vegas board, etc). You just have to plan, and not wake up one morning and decide "hey, let's get married today."