Groom Involvement?

hee2351

My fiance wants to be super involved, but I'm a bit of a control freak. We're definitely having difficulty compromising, because he has ridiculously different opinions than me. I want gray/silver bridal party dresses, he thinks silver dresses look "trashy." I want an open bar or signature drinks and a limited bar, he doesn't want a bar at all. I want a fun, "long" (3-4 hours) reception, he wants a 2 hour reception (maximum). I tried making a list of stuff I don't mind him being in charge of because I didn't think our opinions would be too different, but then his ideas were just so ridiculous and different from mine. I don't know what to do... any advice?

misscyndikalene

sounds like you guys need to compromise on some things. Say you have a 3-4 hour reception without alcohol....or a 2 hour reception with alcohol (possibly horrible idea lol) . You guys are going to be compromising together for the rest of your entire lives  so I definitely think any issues should be discussed now. If you cant agree then someone is going to have to cave or its not really going to work out.

JCM10

Those are important things to agree on because some of them greatly affect your budget! You need to come up with a "vision" (both of you) for what you want out of your day.  Remember, this is his important day too! What about just keeping him int he loop as you go through the wedding planning....take him to venue visits, let him go to meetings, etc? That way his input is heard. 

You have a lot of talking to do if you can't even plan a party together. As in marriage, your wedding may involve a little compromise! Your say does not trump his. If he wants to be involved, let him, and actually take his concerns into consideration! 

samanthajeremy

I would have to agree, you need to come up with a game plan that you both feel comfortable with.  I'd also suggest doing this sooner rather than as you go along planning.  Your wedding day is also about your groom so if there are some things, such as venue, music, guest favors (if any) let him take charge.  Obviuosly larger things such as photography, timing, wedding party and such should be a join decision.  Let him come to meetings, show him your choice of BM dresses, keep him informed to make him feel involved.

Cynthia1207

Ok before even talking about silver dresses, can you agree on a budget for the wedding?  That should be your priority right now, not colors or alcohol or reception time frame.  Your budget will determine what you can and can't afford and therefore some decisions might come easier that way.  I really hope you get this straightened ou because if you can't agree on minor party details pray tell how you will agree on more important decisions.

You have a lot of time left.  Start by agreeing on budget, a preliminary guest list (believe me THAT is one of the longest and hardest tasks you will undertake for the wedding) and begin researching venues.  Don't worry about the details until maybe I'd say 6-8 months before the wedding or you'll drive yourself insane with all the disagreements and stop trying to micromanage.  He's allowed to his opinions as well and you both need to reach compromises.  That's why start with general things and work your way down to the details.

Good Luck!

hee2351

my main concern i guess is that i'm okay with compromising, he's not so good at it. i feel bad though when he finally gives up on his all or nothing opinion and says i can have total control. i do want his involvement, i want us both to have an amazing time. i tried making priority lists, so that if we had differing opinions about something regarding low on our priority list the decision wouldn't be so difficult, but our priority lists are practically twins.

also... my parents are funding the majority of the wedding, little will be in our field. we're using the majority of our wedding to pay for his parents' transportation and hotel, our venues, and our photographer. and i understand the timeline situation, but i'm an education major who works 30 hours a week, i won't have time the last 4 months before the wedding to do anything (unfortunately) between work at night and teaching during the day....

redheadfsu

You two need to sit down & discuss it. Calmly.

Just explain since you parents are paying they will have final say on a lot of stuff. However, both of you need to try to talk out what your "vision" is. Don't get into details right this second or at least until you have a big picture agreed upon. You want a party, what does he what? WHY? Tell each other why things are important. How you feel. Also try to stay away from negative terms like "trashy" or anything that will get it emotional or heated (maybe set ground rules before it gets started). If it starts to turn emotional, take a break & only discuss the wedding when you both are calm.

[Deleted User]

I'm with you on this. My parents are paying for the wedding. My FI wants to do things that I feel don't fit with our wedding. He wanted casion party favors which is FAR from our 'theme'. I told him no and that was that. I didn't care what he thought it was a bad idea I said.
I do sit down and ask him why he doesn't like what I want and we try to find something that we both can agree on. Or I explain to him why things work better than others and that's why I chose them even though he doesn't agree with it.

Yous should make a list or discuss of what yous both want in this wedding and try to agree on things. Or somehow find something that fits both of your ideas.

SpokenVows

My FI is very opinionated with the wedding planning, too. Only problem is, is that he doesn't want to put the work into the details. I'll come up with an idea and he says no, but then offers no alternatives. Pretty much, he wants the wedding planned exactly to his liking but, with me actually putting everything together. I'm glad he wants to be involved but, it's really frustrating that he won't put in the work.

As a PP said, maybe do a 3-4 hour reception with no bar. Tell him he has to meet you halfway on somethings, and vice versa.

Tlongo

That definitely makes it tough when his attitude is my way or the highway so to speak.  As PP mentioned you should both sit down and talk about the general framework of the wedding etc and then work from there.  Luckily for me my FI spouts off some ridiculous ideas and it only take a little bit of discussion to reign him in lol!

vegasgroom

The fact that your parents (OP) are paying for it means nothing other than they should get some say into the invite list; it doesn't mean your opinion is more important than your fiance's on wedding stuff simply because you're related by blood to the money funding the event.  I really like the part about how you put together a list of things you'd not mind him doing only because they were things you thought he'd do the way you wanted to begin with.

If you two can't talk this through calmly and reach satisfactory compromises, you probably are better off eloping or not getting married to begin with because there are a hell of a lot more difficult things to deal with than wedding planning during the course of a marriage.

StacyJenniges

I think you need to give on some things and let him have some of what he wants.  My fiance wanted to have some fun in our wedding, so I have left the procesional entirely up to him, prety much anything goes as long as the song he picks doesn't have swearing in it.  He's actually super excited about it too! 
Take some the things into concideration, I changed my wedding colors because my Fiance didn't like what i wanted.  Turns out I love the new color, I'm doing a Dark Purple with Orange Flowers for an October wedding.  Point is that sometimes when you give in to your fiance you end up with something you like better.

hee2351

Thanks guys! that actually helped a lot. i feel really awkward, because i don't think what i said came across right in some cases. we're just both very emotional and stubborn people, and we need some time. redheadfsu, i love what you have to say, and you and misscindy's comments definitely helped us reach an agreement on the reception.

also... just fyi, vegasgroom, i wasn't saying that... i was addressing the fact that other people had said to concentrate on our budget first. budget is finalized already. and i think my parents should get input because of that.

TexanTreasure08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_groom-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b45050ba-7ede-48fe-8d05-6da5ffa5ec39Post:fd6e8c50-3ff5-4cab-ab29-508d1686e538">Re: Groom Involvement?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm with you on this. My parents are paying for the wedding. My FI wants to do things that I feel don't fit with our wedding. He wanted casion party favors which is FAR from our 'theme'.<strong> I told him no and that was that. I didn't care what he thought it was a bad idea I said.</strong> I do sit down and ask him why he doesn't like what I want and we try to find something that we both can agree on. Or I explain to him why things work better than others and that's why I chose them even though he doesn't agree with it. Yous should make a list or discuss of what yous both want in this wedding and try to agree on things. Or somehow find something that fits both of your ideas.
Posted by stephanie6607[/QUOTE]

Please don't do this!

Cynthia1207

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_groom-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:b45050ba-7ede-48fe-8d05-6da5ffa5ec39Post:df487924-5d17-4c9f-89ed-c029b6ad3397">Re: Groom Involvement?</a>:
[QUOTE]my main concern i guess is that i'm okay with compromising, he's not so good at it. i feel bad though when he finally gives up on his all or nothing opinion and says i can have total control. i do want his involvement, i want us both to have an amazing time. i tried making priority lists, so that if we had differing opinions about something regarding low on our priority list the decision wouldn't be so difficult, but our priority lists are practically twins. also... <strong>my parents are funding the majority of the wedding, little will be in our field.</strong> we're using the majority of our wedding to pay for his parents' transportation and hotel, our venues, and our photographer. and i understand the timeline situation, but i'm an education major who works 30 hours a week, <strong>i won't have time the last 4 months before the wedding to do anything (unfortunately) between work at night and teaching during the day....
</strong>Posted by hee2351[/QUOTE]

Even if your parents are funding the wedding, you need to know how much money they are willing to allocate to different parts of the wedding.  If the budget for the reception is 1000$ or 10000$ that's a big difference!  They definitely have input and it's great that you recognize that but you really need to know the breakdown of their budget.  Believe me, it will help with certain decisions.

As for the timeline, I don't think you realize how many things you actually need to do in the last four months.  The beginning is easy, all you do is call, visit and book vendors.  The end....details, details, details.  How are you going to address and send your invitations if you have no time?  Seating chart?  It depends on who RSVP'd ''yes''.  Final fittings...I'm not trying to stress you out but you need to be realistic.  There are certain things that you simply cannot do so far in advance. 

You can certainly decide on colors and general ideas but lots of things depend on doing something else first.  Example: your reception venue.  You need to know approximately how many people will be in attendance so you have a venue that can accommodate that number.  You therefore need a sample guest list before even looking at venues.

Try looking at things one at a time as well.  If you're arguing about one thing, chances are if you move to another right away, you'll end up arguing about 2 things because you're both mad at each other for not agreeing with issue #1.

Wiscisbliss

You need to do some compromising.  First thing is to set a budget.  Next is to pick the few things that are most important to you.  For DH the top three were: 1) Getting married not in a church 2) Having a Cheese platter 3) Having a late night snack  For me they were 1) Get married outside 2) Have a DJ 3) Have a good photographer

We were both able to get what we wanted. 

I feel like you are both almost arguing for the sake of arguing.  Does he really care if the dresses are silver?  Do you really care that much if the dresses are silver?  Do you really need to call his ideas "ridiculous"? 

[Deleted User]

TexanTreasure08-
Why can't she say no? There's nothing wrong with saying no once in awhile. I mean yea you have to compromise, but I did mention that I expalined to him why I said no, and why it wouldn't work. And besides I'm not the only one who said no that was a bad idea. [Both of our families said it wasn't a good idea]

TexanTreasure08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_groom-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b45050ba-7ede-48fe-8d05-6da5ffa5ec39Post:fff8c655-020c-4335-a77c-7e03a5cc0e94">Re: Groom Involvement?</a>:
[QUOTE]TexanTreasure08 - Why can't she say no? There's nothing wrong with saying no once in awhile. I mean yea you have to compromise, but I did mention that I expalined to him why I said no, and why it wouldn't work. And besides I'm not the only one who said no that was a bad idea. [Both of our families said it wasn't a good idea]
Posted by stephanie6607[/QUOTE]

It was the "that was that" & "I don't care what he thinks" that is a bad idea. You can't just cut off your groom without even listening to him, he will start to resent you. You have to include him in your plans too, it is also his day.

Kristin789

Your parents are hosting your wedding, and if your FI sticks his fingers in, he will be seen by your parents as one big controlling demanding douche with a big red flag.

Tell your FI that "his side" hosts the RD, and he needs to be meeting with his mother once a week to make plans for that - it's the only event that the groom's side hosts, and he and his parents need to work on that event.

Then schedule a meeting for you and FI to meet with your officiant - tell the officiant when you call that your FI is superfocused on the WEDDING RECEPTION PARTY DETAILS and not so much on the spiritual nature of the ceremony and building a strong foundation for your marriage.  Then, your officiant will know what to cover in the meeting. 

TexanTreasure08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_groom-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b45050ba-7ede-48fe-8d05-6da5ffa5ec39Post:5bb4ccd6-fdac-44ed-8248-4dbb8ab5bd89">Re: Groom Involvement?</a>:
[QUOTE]Your parents are hosting your wedding, and if your FI sticks his fingers in, he will be seen by your parents as one big controlling demanding douche with a big red flag. Tell your FI that "his side" hosts the RD, and he needs to be meeting with his mother once a week to make plans for that - it's the only event that the groom's side hosts, and he and his parents need to work on that event. Then schedule a meeting for you and FI to meet with your officiant - tell the officiant when you call that your FI is superfocused on the WEDDING RECEPTION PARTY DETAILS and not so much on the spiritual nature of the ceremony and building a strong foundation for your marriage.  Then, your officiant will know what to cover in the meeting. 
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

Is this sarcasm? I hope it is.

StacyJenniges

n Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_groom-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:b45050ba-7ede-48fe-8d05-6da5ffa5ec39Post:09f33e45-1631-442b-8e87-90f83081e125">Re: Groom Involvement?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groom Involvement? : Is this sarcasm? I hope it is.
Posted by TexanTreasure08[/QUOTE]

I hope it is too.

NuggetBrain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_groom-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:b45050ba-7ede-48fe-8d05-6da5ffa5ec39Post:5bb4ccd6-fdac-44ed-8248-4dbb8ab5bd89">Re: Groom Involvement?</a>:
[QUOTE]Your parents are hosting your wedding, and if your FI sticks his fingers in, he will be seen by your parents as one big controlling demanding douche with a big red flag. Tell your FI that "his side" hosts the RD, and he needs to be meeting with his mother once a week to make plans for that - it's the only event that the groom's side hosts, and he and his parents need to work on that event. Then schedule a meeting for you and FI to meet with your officiant - tell the officiant when you call that your FI is superfocused on the WEDDING RECEPTION PARTY DETAILS and not so much on the spiritual nature of the ceremony and building a strong foundation for your marriage.  Then, your officiant will know what to cover in the meeting. 
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

OP - ignore everything that she said.