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Where has my best friend gone??

sss937sss937 member
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in Chit Chat
For years my best friend and I have always said that if/when I get married she will definitely be my maid of honor. So, the moment I got the ring on my finger I was dialing her number! I love her to pieces. She's always been supportive and I've done my best to do the same for her. This year has been hectic for me without the wedding, never mind that the wedding is in 8 months!!! I really need her now. I don't necessarily need her to sit on the floor with me and tie bows on favors but I need my friend to talk to and all of a sudden....she couldn't care less.... 

Example: 2 weeks ago we had our engagement photos taken. The day of she said that she would love to see them and was looking forward to getting the link to the online gallery. I sent the link over yesterday and in return to my e-mail got no comment at all, but photos of her daughter instead asking if I thought she looked cute. Well, of course she's cute, but I didn't even get a "p.s. The pictures look great." Where has my best friend gone! She doesn't want to hear about anything, but then tells me that she does. I don't know what to do. I don't think she's jealous. She's already married with kids and a house, plus I think much better of her as a person. But what else could it be? 

Given family drama and a not-so-nice sister in-law to be (that's a whole other bag of worms) I could really use some support. I don't know what to do..... Cry


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Re: Where has my best friend gone??

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    AllAboutTheBenjaminAllAboutTheBenjamin member
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    I'll commisserate with you.

    One of my best friends, who is one of my bridesmaids, is also going to be taking our engagement photos.  She's been a bridesmaid several times and pretty much knows the drill.  I texted all my girls to let them know that the dress was chosen and to please order it - and she was the only one who didn't respond.  I don't know if she ordered the dress or not.  But she's a big girl, she has been a bridesmaid before, she can do it.

    Two weeks ago I sent her an email asking her about our engagement photos.  I wanted to know when would be a good time for her to take them with us, and how long she needed to work on the photos.  I got no response.  We're not ready to take the pictures yet anyway, so it's not like we're in a big hurry.  I just wanted to know a couple things.  And never heard from her.

    Is it annoying and a little unnerving when your friends seem not very interested in your wedding plans?  I can see where it may hurt your feelings.  But just because she didn't respond positively to your engagement pictures doesn't mean she's not your best friend anymore than my friend not responding to me means she's not my friend.  Of course they are our friends.  But they have lives that they live that have nothing to do with us or our wedding plans.  My friend has a job that keeps her very busy and several extra activities that she participates in that keeps her pretty unreachable.  She'll get back to me when she has time.  And your friend has kids - those are a huge responsibility and that's the main priority in her life.  I know that you said you don't expect her to come tie ribbons on favors and all that other random crap but don't get upset if she is a little slow to the uptake about gushing over your engagement photos.  She has stuff in her life that she's excited about too.

    Communicate better with your friend.  If you think something is up, ask her about it.  No one on this message board can read her mind.
    panther
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    PeonyPrincesskddPeonyPrincesskdd
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_friend-gone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:b4720739-37c2-419f-a1e2-52b49c9dff32Post:d3693f42-e653-404b-a1c8-8f45e02550c0">Where has my best friend gone??</a>:
    [QUOTE]For years my best friend and I have always said that if/when I get married she will definitely be my maid of honor. So, the moment I got the ring on my finger I was dialing her number! I love her to pieces. She's always been supportive and I've done my best to do the same for her. This year has been hectic for me without the wedding, never mind that the wedding is in 8 months!!! I really need her now. I don't necessarily need her to sit on the floor with me and tie bows on favors but I need my friend to talk to and all of a sudden....she couldn't care less....  Example: 2 weeks ago we had our engagement photos taken. The day of she said that she would love to see them and was looking forward to getting the link to the online gallery. I sent the link over yesterday and in return to my e-mail got no comment at all, but photos of her daughter instead asking if I thought she looked cute. Well, of course she's cute, but I didn't even get a "p.s. The pictures look great." Where has my best friend gone! She doesn't want to hear about anything, but then tells me that she does. I don't know what to do. I don't think she's jealous. She's already married with kids and a house, plus I think much better of her as a person. But what else could it be?  Given family drama and a not-so-nice sister in-law to be (that's a whole other bag of worms) I could really use some support. I don't know what to do..... 
    Posted by sss937[/QUOTE]

    First of all, you have you FI for support.  Second of all, you don't need support for planning a wedding or all the stress that may come with it.  You can get support for losing a loved one, or losing a job etc.  If you just need to talk, you have your FI, your mother, do you have a sister? MOH does not have to be the one to go to. 

    Maybe right now in her life she is busy.  You did say she has kids and is married.

    So she is most likely busy.  Don't assume that she "couldn't care less"

    If you really think that, then you are being over dramatic and need to take a chill pill. 
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    PeonyPrincesskddPeonyPrincesskdd
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_friend-gone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:b4720739-37c2-419f-a1e2-52b49c9dff32Post:fabe92e3-2d36-45dc-a160-ca831b09546a">Re: Where has my best friend gone??</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'll commisserate with you. One of my best friends, who is one of my bridesmaids, is also going to be taking our engagement photos.  She's been a bridesmaid several times and pretty much knows the drill.  I texted all my girls to let them know that the dress was chosen and to please order it - and she was the only one who didn't respond.  I don't know if she ordered the dress or not.  But she's a big girl, she has been a bridesmaid before, she can do it. Two weeks ago I sent her an email asking her about our engagement photos.  I wanted to know when would be a good time for her to take them with us, and how long she needed to work on the photos.  I got no response.  We're not ready to take the pictures yet anyway, so it's not like we're in a big hurry.  I just wanted to know a couple things.  And never heard from her. Is it annoying and a little unnerving when your friends seem not very interested in your wedding plans?  I can see where it may hurt your feelings.  But just because she didn't respond positively to your engagement pictures doesn't mean she's not your best friend anymore than my friend not responding to me means she's not my friend.  Of course they are our friends.  But they have lives that they live that have nothing to do with us or our wedding plans.  My friend has a job that keeps her very busy and several extra activities that she participates in that keeps her pretty unreachable.  She'll get back to me when she has time.  And your friend has kids - those are a huge responsibility and that's the main priority in her life.  I know that you said you don't expect her to come tie ribbons on favors and all that other random crap but don't get upset if she is a little slow to the uptake about gushing over your engagement photos.  She has stuff in her life that she's excited about too. Communicate better with your friend.  If you think something is up, ask her about it.  No one on this message board can read her mind.
    Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

    <span style="font-family:'Arial','sans-serif';color:#1f1f1f;font-size:8.5pt;font-weight:normal;">
    <strong>One of my best friends, who is one of my bridesmaids, is also going to be taking our engagement photos.  She's been a bridesmaid several times and pretty much knows the drill.  I texted all my girls to let them know that the dress was chosen and to please order it - and she was the only one who didn't respond</strong></span><span style="font-family:'Arial','sans-serif';color:#1f1f1f;font-size:8.5pt;font-weight:normal;">Did you try calling her?<span>  Instead of texting, why don't you call her.  </span>Have you called her or talked to her about anything OTHER than your wedding?<span>  </span>Maybe it’s getting annoying to her.<span>  </span>Also, did you even discuss with them if this was even a good time for them to order the dress??</span>
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    AllAboutTheBenjaminAllAboutTheBenjamin member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_friend-gone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b4720739-37c2-419f-a1e2-52b49c9dff32Post:08781780-03af-4474-82d6-2bac2122a32d">Re: Where has my best friend gone??</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Where has my best friend gone?? : One of my best friends, who is one of my bridesmaids, is also going to be taking our engagement photos.  She's been a bridesmaid several times and pretty much knows the drill.  I texted all my girls to let them know that the dress was chosen and to please order it - and she was the only one who didn't respond Did you try calling her?   Instead of texting, why don't you call her.  Have you called her or talked to her about anything OTHER than your wedding?   Maybe it’s getting annoying to her.   Also, did you even discuss with them if this was even a good time for them to order the dress??
    Posted by PeonyPrincesskdd[/QUOTE]

    I call and text her all the time about things that have nothing to do with my wedding and she does the same with me.  We have a relationship outside of the fact that I'm getting married.  I'm not a demanding bride nor am I one of those "THIS IS MY DAY!" brides and I'm rather annoyed that you're assuming that all I feel like talking about with my bridesmaids is wedding related.

    <strong>Did I even discuss with them if this was a good time to order the dress?</strong>  Since at the time my wedding was five months away and the dresses take twelve weeks to come in, I didn't think I had to ask everyone "Oh, is this okay with you?" before they ordered the dresses.  We'd been looking for a couple months.  They'd been asked a couple months before that.

    Why are you singling me out here?  I was trying to relate to the OP.  I don't need to have a post picked apart.  Do I need to explain every single reason why things went the way they went or discuss all the aspects of my relationship with my bridesmaid in order to be credible?
    panther
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited July 2010
    sss, Cheer up, your friend is still there. It's just that her life has changed. Kids tend to take priortiy over everything else, out of necessity.
    Maybe, one day, when her children are older, she will call you to chat and you will find yourself distracted by your own babies. Or you won't answer her emails with the lightening fast speed that you do now. Sending you the pics of her daughter was her way of sharing a piece of her life with you. I'm sure she will comment on the pics you sent, once she has had a chance to look at them. Be patient.
                       
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    PeonyPrincesskddPeonyPrincesskdd
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_friend-gone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:b4720739-37c2-419f-a1e2-52b49c9dff32Post:15d79a53-e313-41e7-8943-5ed60e1e794c">Re: Where has my best friend gone??</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Where has my best friend gone?? : I call and text her all the time about things that have nothing to do with my wedding and she does the same with me.  We have a relationship outside of the fact that I'm getting married.  I'm not a demanding bride nor am I one of those "THIS IS MY DAY!" brides and I'm rather annoyed that you're assuming that all I feel like talking about with my bridesmaids is wedding related. Did I even discuss with them if this was a good time to order the dress?   Since at the time my wedding was five months away and the dresses take twelve weeks to come in, I didn't think I had to ask everyone "Oh, is this okay with you?" before they ordered the dresses.  We'd been looking for a couple months.  They'd been asked a couple months before that. Why are you singling me out here?  I was trying to relate to the OP.  I don't need to have a post picked apart.  Do I need to explain every single reason why things went the way they went or discuss all the aspects of my relationship with my bridesmaid in order to be credible?
    Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

    It just sounded a little snooty saying that she has been a bridesmaid before and she should know the drill.  Maybe she didn't like to be rushed.  Maybe that particular day or week you demanded them to get the dress wasn't good in her schedule.  You just seemed a little demanding with "Get the dress now please" or whatever it was you told them.  
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    AllAboutTheBenjaminAllAboutTheBenjamin member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_friend-gone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b4720739-37c2-419f-a1e2-52b49c9dff32Post:eefdf766-0a45-4e0a-94b7-91d86f8f4cb5">Re: Where has my best friend gone??</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Where has my best friend gone?? : It just sounded a little snooty saying that she has been a bridesmaid before and she should know the drill.  Maybe she didn't like to be rushed.  Maybe that particular day or week you demanded them to get the dress wasn't good in her schedule.  You just seemed a little demanding with "Get the dress now please" or whatever it was you told them.  
    Posted by PeonyPrincesskdd[/QUOTE]

    Well, you seem a little presumptuous.
    panther
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    PeonyPrincesskddPeonyPrincesskdd
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_friend-gone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:b4720739-37c2-419f-a1e2-52b49c9dff32Post:4c5e6d0d-e1c8-4b2d-bbfc-dbf36e483573">Re: Where has my best friend gone??</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Where has my best friend gone?? : Well, you seem a little presumptuous.
    Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]



    <p style="margin:0in 0in 0pt;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:'Arial','sans-serif';color:#1f1f1f;"><strong><font size="3">All I am saying is that if you want to relate to the OP go ahead.<span>  </span>But don’t go into detail about how bad of a bm your bm was and justifying your statement by saying that because she was a bridesmaid before she should know the drill.<span>  </span>Saying she’s a big girl, she can do it.. Well maybe at this time in her life and during this particular time, things are a little different.<span>  </span>She may have different circumstances.<span>  </span>If you get no response from her texts or emails, then maybe try giving her a call.<span>  </span>You say you haven’t talked to your friend in 2 weeks? That made me think that the only time you talk to her is to talk about ordering a dress and doing engagement photos.<span>  </span>Also, OP’s friend does not have to be interested in her wedding plans.<span>  </span>It is not her wedding, therefore she is not going to be as interested as the bride.<span>  </span>And just because she isn’t jumping up and down with joy doesn’t mean she doesn’t care.<span>  </span>Most bridesmaids don’t get excited until a couple days before the wedding.<span>  </span>All other wedding planning and tasks are important to the bride and groom since it is THEIR wedding.</font></strong></span></p>
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    n07wilsonn07wilson
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    am i on the snarky brides board?
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    AllAboutTheBenjaminAllAboutTheBenjamin member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited July 2010
    Girl - please calm the eff down.

    I did not go off on a tangent about my "bad bridesmaid," I was trying to draw comparisons for the OP.  If you read my first post and comprehended it, I made very clear that just because a bridesmaid does not show immediate and enthusiastic interest in something that has to do with our weddings, it doesn't mean that they are bad friends.  I am acutely aware that people are busy and have other shiit going on.  Re-effing-lax.

    Secondly, when I said that my friend is a "big girl" and can "do it herself," um... it's true?  She's an adult.  I asked her ONCE to make sure that she ordered the dress when everyone else was ordering their dresses so they could all get them in time and on time.  She knew when to expect to order the dress.  And since she's been a bridesmaid several times before I am not concerned about harping on her and making sure that she bought the dress (nor would I harp on anyone about dresses anyway).  She may have different circumstances in her life NOW as opposed to the last time she was a bridesmaid (which, by the way, was a month ago) - but I'm confident in saying that I know a little more about her circumstances than you would.  Don't swoop in here and try to defend my friend by acting like I'm being demanding of her and freaking out that she ZOMG won't answer my texts.  This situation is not exactly dire.

    I also thought I made it pretty clear that the OP's friend didn't have to be oozing gleeful approval about the OP's wedding plans.  Girl's got a house and kids.  She's busy.  This is why I told the OP about my friend - my friend is busy too.  My friend didn't return my message?  She's busy.  And, moving on... and so forth.  My wedding is less than four months away - it's stressful for ME.  But for my bridesmaid?  Certainly not.  The OP has eight months to go.  She can relax.

    And frankly, so can you.
    panther
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    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
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    Holy cow, Peony.  Step back from the brink.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
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    ManwaithielManwaithiel member
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    Wowzas... I'm just gonna talk to the OP.

    OP, everything AAB said is pretty spot on. Yes, it can seem from your perspective that the BM is not taking enough of an interest. But you need to remember that 8 months is a freaking long time away for everyone else except you when it comes to your wedding. "Where has my best friend gone?" is a little dramatic from the situation you have stated. Not gushing over your pictures is not a best friend ending moving. Or it really shouldn't be.
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    PeonyPrincesskddPeonyPrincesskdd
    First Comment
    Alright from now on I will focus on the OP and not get distracted too much from the subject.  Okay ditto what the others said.  Your BM is busy with her kids and her house and will probably get more excited when it gets closer to the wedding.  I said this earlier to someone else, that bridesmaids usually don't get super excited or anxious until a few days before the wedding.  Your wedding isn't even on their radar yet, with 8 more months to go.  When it gets closer, you will see your bm's getting more excited.
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    lgrn22lgrn22
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    Wow I love these boards! people are nuts..
    I lost a best friend who began by not returning my calls or by not responding to emails.. after not hearing back from her I sent her an email that said I get the point and am ready to talk whenever you are.. have never heard from her..
    Everyone is right, she may be busy but I do believe she could have responded to YOUR original email.. and then attached a pic of her kids. If she is the MOH and you guys are close I would call and ask her about the pics and then just ask if she wants to hear how the wedding planning is going.
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    vegasgroomvegasgroom mod
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    One of my favorite signatures I've seen on these boards is someone's that says "Your wedding sounds very interesting to you."  Half the BS involving weddings is the bride, groom or immediate family expecting everyone around them to think of their wedding as having the same level of importance as they do, or even a fraction of that.  Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it's not.  My FI has been on the wrong side of that already with some initial expectations she had of two of her bridesmaids.

    Sounds like your (OP) friend's kid is probably the center of her life right now and your wedding is not going to compete with that.  Obviously she could handle the whole thing better like sorry I can't talk right now, kid is keeping me incredibly busy, but I'd just try to get past it and lower your expectations of her for the time being, she'll come back around if you guys really are best friends.

    Married in Vegas - June 2011


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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    You know, it just occurred to me when I see a post like this that it would be interesting to see if the MIA friend is also saying "Where has my best friend gone??"

    Very often, and quite understandably brides get so caught up in the wedding that they forget to talk to friends about THEIR lives.  They become consumed by all things weddings.

    So before anyone says "My best friend has gone MIA", it might be worth it to turn that phrase around and say "Wow, I just realized that I've been MIA for my friends!".

    OP:  Not necessarily saying that's you, but it is food for thought for many, many women who post on these boards.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    sammichelesammichele
    First Comment
    edited July 2010
    If she says she wants to hear about your wedding, I'm sure she does.  She just may be getting easily preoccupied with things going on in her own life, as PP have said.  Maybe you should call her or talk to her in person rather than the whole e-mail thing, as e-mails and texts are often straight to the point (ie: this is my wedding stuff, this is my kid's picture, ect) while a phone call or an in-person meeting will give opportunity for more conversation.
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    sss937sss937 member
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    First of all.....WOW. There is some major drama going on between all the brides responding to my original post. Holy...... 

    To clarify. I actually make it a point to have conversations with people, including my MOH that are completely non-wedding related. I know everyone's lives don't revolve around my wedding. Don't misunderstand. I don't want to be the center of attention. I just want her to share in the great time this is for me. Much like I have gone out of the way to do for her in the past that she has made it a point to tell me she has appreciated. Knowing that it was much more important to her than it was to me. Consequently, much like this is much more important to me that it is to her.

    The whole time I've known her she's had kids and a husband and house so none of this is new. With all those things she's always had time to be there for me and quite frankly recently has even more time on her hands. As for the, comment that she may not have the time to immediately respond to e-mails txts, etc. She's always available. If anything, too available. I have to be careful about when I txt, e-mail or call her because she's completely able to have an hour long conversation while I may only have 10 minutes between meetings 60 hours into my 80 hour week. When I say she has NOTHING going on, I mean she has NOTHING going on. That's why this bothers me so much. The response I got with pics of her kids was something I got 2 minutes after sending the original e-mail.....so, case and point....she has LOTS OF TIME on her hands. 

    This is very frustrating. It seems like whenever I post something ppl immediately assume that I'm the typical "woe me" type of bride that wants everyone to envy and adore her. I'm not. I'm SOOOOOOO not. I just want one of the most important ppl in my life to care a little. That's all. Also, to answer another question. I don't have any sisters, my mother is a difficult, very hands off person that I can't talk to and my FI is also working an 80 hour a week job so I don't get to see him that much. That's why I need her. 

    So, I'm trying to figure out why she doesn't seem to care based on all that. I hate to tell you this girls, but your scenarios are all wrong. To recap, she's not too busy, the kids aren't a new thing, everyone's lives don't revolve around my wedding and I try SOOOO hard to make sure it stays that way.........oy. 
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    ManwaithielManwaithiel member
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    Okay, but all I was saying is that your example didn't exactly come across as wow what a b**** to anyone, because it really isn't a big deal. If you have OTHER examples that would be more compelling then an email, fire away. Otherwise, we were going off what you had said and the rather melodramatic title of your post. I will repeat: "Where has my best friend gone????!!" is rather exaggerated for something as simple as not ooohing and ahhhing over your pictures.

    Do you have other issues besides the pictures?
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    AllAboutTheBenjaminAllAboutTheBenjamin member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    Well - my advice to be would be to bring all of this up to her.  I think there could be just a misunderstanding or lack of something being effectively communicated.

    You said she's very readily available - TOO available - but that means you can call her and ask her and she should be able to give you an answer. 

    I don't think you're a "woe is me" bride - but at the sime time, lots of brides come in here complaining about their bridesmaids and all of it could be solved if the brides would just go to their friends instead of going online and asking a bunch of strangers.  We like to help when we can, don't get me wrong.  It's just hard for us to know exactly what your friend's mindset is - only you can do that.

    Good luck!
    panther
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    NillaWafer10NillaWafer10 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited July 2010
    I think we brides get a little too caught up in our weddings, and we forget that no one cares half as much as we do.  Heck, even our families didn't really care about all the details.  Sure they were excited about the wedding, but after months and months of planning it can get exhausting for them.

    My BMs were pretty excited at first, but then kind of dropped off towards the end.  I think it happens to just about everyone.  That's why the Knot is so great!  We're all obsessed with weddings haha!  People on my local board cared more about my wedding details than any one else, so it was great to plan along with them. Post your engagement pics on a thread, and I'm sure you will get lots of complements from us!

    Good luck!  I hope she becomes more involved when the day gets a little closer.
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_friend-gone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b4720739-37c2-419f-a1e2-52b49c9dff32Post:cdd904b4-855b-4bad-bfda-b385cea964a1">Re: Where has my best friend gone??</a>:
    [QUOTE]First of all.....WOW. There is some major drama going on between all the brides responding to my original post. Holy......  To clarify. I actually make it a point to have conversations with people, including my MOH that are completely non-wedding related. I know everyone's lives don't revolve around my wedding. Don't misunderstand. I don't want to be the center of attention. I just want her to share in the great time this is for me. Much like I have gone out of the way to do for her in the past that she has made it a point to tell me she has appreciated. Knowing that it was much more important to her than it was to me. Consequently, much like this is much more important to me that it is to her. The whole time I've known her she's had kids and a husband and house so none of this is new. With all those things she's always had time to be there for me and quite frankly recently has even more time on her hands. As for the, comment that she may not have the time to immediately respond to e-mails txts, etc. <em><strong>

    She's always available. If anything, too available.</strong></em> <em><strong>I have to be careful about when I txt, e-mail or call her because she's completely able to have an hour long conversation while I may only have 10 minutes between meetings 60 hours into my 80 hour week. When I say she has NOTHING going on, I mean she has NOTHING going on. That's why this bothers me so much.

     </strong></em>The response I got with pics of her kids was something I got 2 minutes after sending the original e-mail.....so, case and point....she has LOTS OF TIME on her hands.  This is very frustrating. It seems like whenever I post something ppl immediately assume that I'm the typical "woe me" type of bride that wants everyone to envy and adore her. I'm not. I'm SOOOOOOO not. I just want one of the most important ppl in my life to care a little. That's all. Also, to answer another question. I don't have any sisters, my mother is a difficult, very hands off person that I can't talk to and my FI is also working an 80 hour a week job so I don't get to see him that much. That's why I need her.  So, I'm trying to figure out why she doesn't seem to care based on all that. I hate to tell you this girls, but your scenarios are all wrong. To recap, she's not too busy, the kids aren't a new thing, everyone's lives don't revolve around my wedding and I try SOOOO hard to make sure it stays that way.........oy. 
    Posted by sss937[/QUOTE]

    You've asked a bunch of strangers to give you opinions, based on the information you provided in your op. You have provided information in the fu post that may or may not change opinions. But we can only go by what you are telling us.

    I don't understand the<em><strong> bolded</strong></em> part. Do you avoid calling her when you fear she might have more time to talk than you have? Or do you call her when you are not working so that you have that hour to set aside to talk. It's possible that your friend thinks you a picking and choosing when to be available to her and she is giving you a dose of your own medicine.

    You should just call her and let her know how important this friendship is to you.
                       
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    PeonyPrincesskddPeonyPrincesskdd
    First Comment
     I just want her to share in the great time this is for me.

    You can share this time with your other bridesmaids, your non-bridesmaids friends and your FI, or FI's siblings or MIL, since your own mother is not available.

    When I say she has NOTHING going on, I mean she has NOTHING going on. 

    Just because she has nothing going on, doesn't mean she is going to be All about you, and talking to you all the time, and talking all about your wedding. 

    Maybe with her NOTHING going on she would rather take a nap as the kids are napping, or catch up on some housework.. 

    A mother and wife doesn't have NOTHING going on.  There is alot of house work involved and grocery shopping, and kids to take care of. 

    Maybe she does have some spare time, but she is choosing not to talk all about your wedding.  Maybe she is not interested in weddings.  Like we said, people are usually the most excited about their own weddings, not someone else's.


    I just want one of the most important ppl in my life to care a little.

    I wouldn't jump to conclusions and say she doesn't care.  And let's say she doesn't care about your wedding or weddings in general, that is her choice.  She doesn't have to be excited about your wedding, esp when we said you still have 8 more months to go.  There is no need to get all giddy and excited now.  So don't just assume she doesn't care.

    So, I'm trying to figure out why she doesn't seem to care based on all that.

    Again, stop assuming she doesn't care.  Wait for her to come around and show her interest.  Leave her alone and stop wondering why she doesn't care
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    wrdgirlwrdgirl member
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    To OP: I feel very sorry for you.  All you needed was someone to say something so you can feel better about your situation.  But instead people tore your post apart and need to get emotional LOL

    Maybe you should really just have a one-on-one talk with her and tell her how you feel.  She probably doesn't mean what she is doing, just wasn't aware how important you need her.

    Although I don't like half the posts that have been made here (too much drama and emotion not needed) I do agree that you may be jumping into conclusion.  Maybe have a chat at a local coffee place or something.  If anything is wrong make sure you understand.  You want to have as much support as you can throughout the wedding planning and you want to be open for all communication.

    Good luck!
    --------
    My planning site
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    sss937sss937 member
    First Comment
    "To OP: I feel very sorry for you.  All you needed was someone to say something so you can feel better about your situation.  But instead people tore your post apart and need to get emotional LOL

    Maybe you should really just have a one-on-one talk with her and tell her how you feel.  She probably doesn't mean what she is doing, just wasn't aware how important you need her.

    Although I don't like half the posts that have been made here (too much drama and emotion not needed) I do agree that you may be jumping into conclusion.  Maybe have a chat at a local coffee place or something.  If anything is wrong make sure you understand.  You want to have as much support as you can throughout the wedding planning and you want to be open for all communication."
    -Thanks wrdgirl. That's just it. I came on here for a little support and got torn apart. I'm left feeling like a little kid who got berated. The whole point of these boards is to be able to support one another. Not pick each other apart. I agree with the point made that you all can't be expected to know all the details of the situation. That's completely understandable, but it seems like everyone immediately assumed the worst of me. What happened to optimism and such? Innocent until proven guilty? Are you getting the idea here? 
    "Just because she has nothing going on, doesn't mean she is going to be All about you, and talking to you all the time, and talking all about your wedding.  
    Maybe with her NOTHING going on she would rather take a nap as the kids are napping, or catch up on some housework.. 

    A mother and wife doesn't have NOTHING going on.  There is alot of house work involved and grocery shopping, and kids to take care of.  "
    -As for your comment. Again, don't misunderstand. Mothers are busy people. Usually. Her husband takes care of everything in the house while she usually sits on the couch or at her desk. She really has nothing going on. She doesn't clean, she doesn't cook. She doesn't even go grocery shopping. That's her husband again. I've said it once and I'll say it a million times. I love her, but she is a very hands off family person. Great! I don't want it to be about me all the time! That would be pretty selfish wouldn't it be? I talk to her several times a week and can/have had weeks where nothing about the wedding has come up. And that's fine by me! The world, other people's lives and everything else does not revolve around my wedding. 
    I think "Just because she has nothing going on, doesn't mean she is going to be All about you, and talking to you all the time, and talking all about your wedding." is jumping to a HUGE conclusion. So there. 
    "I don't understand the bolded part. Do you avoid calling her when you fear she might have more time to talk than you have? Or do you call her when you are not working so that you have that hour to set aside to talk. It's possible that your friend thinks you a picking and choosing when to be available to her and she is giving you a dose of your own medicine. " 
    -Finally, I don't avoid calling her. But if I have 20 minutes between meetings and she wanted to chat about something she left me a msg about 2 days ago I'll give her a call first chance I get. She knows I have a crazy schedule. I've had this nutty job since she met me. I do my best to call when I'm not working so I can talk to her. I hate being the person who only has a few minutes, but sometimes that's the only way I can get back to her because all the time I'm not working is between 1am and 5am. So, no. I can understand the confusion on this one, but no. I go out of my way constantly to make sure nobody feels like I've neglected them and it's part of why my schedule is so stressful. 

    And to "Manwaithiel": Yes, there are other examples and situations, but honestly I've never been so reminded of high school drama as I have been with this board and it's responses. So, I think I'm all done here. 
    To close it all up. I had a conversation with her last night. What it boils down to is she told me she was feeling a little jealous. So instead of responding to me she wanted to bring the attention back to her and her family with pics of her kids. She actually told me she wanted to be MORE involved and wishes I would share more details with her. She told me that she understands my busy schedule and why I am sometimes not able to keep her in the loop but she wants me to make more of an effort to have her involved. Ironically, my effort to NOT talk about the wedding backfired. She thought I was doing it because I didn't want her involved. 
    Perhaps this is a great lesson in not jumping to conclusions for everyone. 
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    AllAboutTheBenjaminAllAboutTheBenjamin member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    OP - glad to hear that you guys talked and that you got down to the nitty gritty of what was happening between you and your friend.

    I sincerely hope you didn't think I was coming after you and berating you like a child.  I vehemently defended myself when I was jumped on for no apparent reason but none of that was directed at you.  I didn't think I was assuming the worst of you - I was suggesting that you communicate these issues with your friend, and I'm glad to hear that you did.

    There does seem to be a little "drama" around on the boards from time to time - but it kinda gets chalked up to people making assumptions that all brides make the same mistakes or think the same things.  I don't believe this to be true.  I try to help where I can so I hope you didn't think I was putting you down or trying to make you feel stupid.

    Again - glad to hear that this is being worked out and that the talk you had with your friend was helpful.  Best of luck!
    panther
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    PeonyPrincesskddPeonyPrincesskdd
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_friend-gone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:b4720739-37c2-419f-a1e2-52b49c9dff32Post:d3693f42-e653-404b-a1c8-8f45e02550c0">Where has my best friend gone??</a>:
    [QUOTE]For years my best friend and I have always said that if/when I get married she will definitely be my maid of honor. So, the moment I got the ring on my finger I was dialing her number! I love her to pieces. She's always been supportive and I've done my best to do the same for her. This year has been hectic for me without the wedding, never mind that the wedding is in 8 months!!! I really need her now. I don't necessarily need her to sit on the floor with me and tie bows on favors but I need my friend to talk to and all of a sudden....she couldn't care less....  Example: 2 weeks ago we had our engagement photos taken. The day of she said that she would love to see them and was looking forward to getting the link to the online gallery. I sent the link over yesterday and in return to my e-mail got no comment at all, but photos of her daughter instead asking if I thought she looked cute. Well, of course she's cute, but I didn't even get a "p.s. The pictures look great." Where has my best friend gone! She doesn't want to hear about anything, but then tells me that she does. I don't know what to do. I don't think she's jealous. She's already married with kids and a house, plus I think much better of her as a person. But what else could it be?  Given family drama and a not-so-nice sister in-law to be (that's a whole other bag of worms) I could really use some support. I don't know what to do..... 
    Posted by sss937[/QUOTE]

    Well then next time don't say where has my best friend gone.  She's there for you as you said and I am glad you two worked it out. 
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    sss937sss937 member
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    Thanks "Allaboutthebenjamins". No, I didn't think you came after me. It was the others who did just what you said you avoid doing. They assumed that all brides are the same: Self absorbed, attention hungry, prissy girls. I appreciate that someone else out there knows we're not all the same! Amazing that it has to be spelled out though. 

    As for "peonyprincess". Learn not to assume. That's all I have to say to you. If anything, you're the drama queen. 
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    ManwaithielManwaithiel member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_friend-gone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b4720739-37c2-419f-a1e2-52b49c9dff32Post:95d7c455-9710-40d9-82cb-808cdbcaa3e7">Re: Where has my best friend gone??</a>:
    [QUOTE] And to " Manwaithiel ": Yes, there are other examples and situations, but honestly I've never been so reminded of high school drama as I have been with this board and it's responses. So, I think I'm all done here.

    <strong> Perhaps this is a great lesson in not jumping to conclusions for everyone. </strong>
    Posted by sss937[/QUOTE]

    I think this is the most passive aggressive thing I have ever seen.

    I specifically asked you for more information besides the one story you shared. I do not have your tone of voice or your face looking at me to go on. I have typed text to look at. I would have also commisserated with you as AAB did if I had something a little more substantial than the example that you gave. I was trying NOT to assume what was happening. You, instead, come back and say you don't need to answer me because the other posters (who are not me, might I add) got in a fight. Then you end it with the thing I've bolded. So while I attempted to not jump to conclusions and only go off what you had said, you choose to be a snotty brat and after you've instigated this situation with your melodrama you go on to show just how completely unnecessary your thread was by saying that after you SPOKE TO YOUR FRIEND everything was fine. Clearly your friend didn't go anywhere.

    So if you're wondering why some posters assumed that you were being ridiculous, the answer is in this little gem you chose to post.

    Thanks.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

    Hawaii with my best friend =)
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    sss937sss937 member
    First Comment
    First of all "Manwaithiel" the comment was referring to the fact that OTHER posters had made the thread so dramatic and unnecessarily annoying. I simply meant that it was pointless to provide new examples since the drama had gone so far people were behaving like children. I wasn't including you. Sorry if you took it that way. 

    Second, unfortunately as soon as you DID it take it that way you started to behave like the other posters. That's just too bad. The statement was simply explaining that due to the silly bantering happening on the board I refused to participate any further. 
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