Is There Going to Be a Wedding of Not?

Srbageldog

I work for Taco Bell. Last summer I was getting 30-40 hours a week. My boss is being a bitch and cut me down to anywhere between 5-15 hours a week. I asked her to give me more hours and she responded by giving me less.
I think I may have worded things wrong. FI gets upset when he has to cover my bills if I call into work and don't get all the hours I can. When my boss only schedules me one or two days a week, he tells me not to worry, we'll get by. Just contribute what I can.

I am not looking for a "free ride" off of him. I would like to find a job where I will be happy, so I'm not in a bad mood all the time. I think he wants me to have a more stable job before we plan anything. He also wants to be able to quit his second job.

For those of you who say he doesn't love me, or is not "in love with me," and has no intentions of marrying me, I know you are wrong. He shows me he loves me all the time, but we do have our differences every now and then. He does get annoyed if I pester him about marriage nonstop. When I lay off the subject he contributes more ideas for our wedding.

We do have a lot of important things to take care of before the wedding. I am going to focus on getting a job, a car, and making myself happy. My book wasn't successful because it got published by a publishing house which doesn't market its books. I am young and I didn't know any better, but now I've brushed up on the proper way to publish, so next time I will be prepared.

I don't believe in fairy tale endings. I also don't believe on giving up on people. My FI and I have stuck together through a lot, and will continue to stick it out. I know when he says thing in anger, he doesn't mean them, just as I don't mean things I say in anger.

FI's proposal was spontaneous, and we had only been together for 2 months. For a long time I had insecurities about why he wanted to marry me, when he had not married his ex who he'd been with for a few years. After talking with a friend, FI decided it would be better to wait to get married. He was technically married once before, and it had been one of the worse mistakes of his life. That woman used him and he lost everything. I think he's afraid of making a mistake that will mess his life up again, and as we're both aware we have problems we need to work through, he wants to focus on making our relationship better before making wedding plans. I think I am just being impatient and planning a wedding seems more fun or more romantic than facing the reality of finding a better job, which is going to be hard. I am worried I will be stuck at the current job getting sh*t hours forever.
I appreciate all of your advice, and I thank you for it. I am not going to leave my FI. But thank you for your insite.

sarah42nd

I dont have a ring yet . I only having a wedding band. But anywho , Everyone can only give you insight on what you tell them . I think counseling would do great for you guys to work out  your issues.

I agree with alot/ most of the PPs.

Why dont you talk to your manager again and ask for more hours?

redheadfsu

These are not wedding issues, but are instead relationship issues. Do not think about planning a wedding right now. Please get counseling ASAP. We don't know the truth, we are only hearing your side & then you backtrack. Counseling will not hurt your relationship. Please go to counseling.

megk8oz

You may not have liked what everybody said, but the fact is, even when you were defending your FI ... you really weren't painting a good picture. And if your family, your friends and even strangers on the internet are telling maybe marrying him isn't the smartest thing to do, there might be some merit to it. But I digress. It's your life, and like I've said before we only know what you tell us, so nobody here does know exactly what your situation it.

Everything else aside, I still maintain: go to counseling. Like yesterday.

Your marriage doesn't stand a chance in hell if you two don't start learning how to properly communicate (And no matter how many times you try to backtrack, it's very clear that you two need to learn how to properly communicate). That's not a shot at you, that's just how marriages are: if a couple can't properly communicate, they aren't going to work out.

Good luck.

Srbageldog

I vent on here because I don't actually know any of you, and I feel that it's better to let out feelings of frustration or anger on a public board, rather than ranting to someone I actually know who will still hang on to whatever idiotic thing I said once I've gotten it out of my system and have moved past it. I will look in to getting counseling, and I do think my FI and I would both benefit from couples counceling. There are issues I have that I just can't seem to get past, and those are the things which bug the hell out of me and cause more problems. I just want both of us to be happy, and honestly I don't know what kind of thoughts go through FI's head. Maybe he hasn't gotten me a ring yet because he wants to get me a nice one and he can't afford it, or maybe he just feels the time isn't right. At any rate, I wear a promise ring I bought myself, and lately I've been viewing that as sort of the "engagement ring." I  believe if love is strong enough, you can get through anything. Life is kind of rough right now, but it will get better.

Srbageldog

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_there-going-wedding-of-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b74e6818-1fda-419d-984e-5426abd6d896Post:e1c0f2c7-b9d3-4346-b845-e3dd13262ab4">Re: Is There Going to Be a Wedding of Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]I dont have a ring yet . I only having a wedding band. But anywho , Everyone can only give you insight on what you tell them . I think counseling would do great for you guys to work out  your issues. I agree with alot/ most of the PPs. Why dont you talk to your manager again and ask for more hours?
Posted by sarah42nd[/QUOTE]

I most definitely will, if I see her. If she won't give me more hours I will talk to her supervisor about transfering to another store. My boss just recently hired a bunch of new people and everyone's hours got cut, but mine got cut the most. I feel like she basically replaced me before I have left. At one point I was supposed to be promoted to a management position, but when a family crisis occured and I had to take time off from work, she went behind my back and promoted another guy instead. After that I decided to go back to school and try to get a better job. While I was in school I wasn't able to work as much, but school has ended and I am available to work, but she just won't schedule me. It's just very frustrating right now. I want my life to start moving forward, but it seems to be at a stand-still at the moment. :/

sarah42nd

yeah I hear you there. Yeah sucks in situations like that . Back in the day , actually like 3 years ago I worked at a grocery store and they hired like 8 people they didn't need and cut everyones hours down to 10 . So alot of people quit because it wasn't work the time or gas to come in . What they would do isschedule them for like 3 hours a day . So they would work 3 days but make crappy pay .


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Srbageldog

That's what it's  like where I work right now. I would love to just quit, because I go in, work my ass off for a few hours and get sent home (usually early) and my checks suck. So it's like putting yourself through a ton of stress for next to nothing. On the other hand, I don't want to quit, because at least it's SOMETHING. I don't know when another job will come along. Almost everything in our area is part time and pays minimum wage. The area we live in ranks as one of the highest unemployed areas in the country. I would totally consider commuting to work, but without a car that rules out that option. I guess I'll just cross my fingers and hope for the best. I guess I really do need to focus on finding a decent job before going ahead and planning a wedding.

NillaWafer10

Regardless of what you do, please just remember that you are a beautiful woman, and you deserve to be loved and respected, no matter how tight the bills are.

ehathewa

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_there-going-wedding-of-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:b74e6818-1fda-419d-984e-5426abd6d896Post:fa7298ff-37cf-4828-9dab-e831febd59de">Re: Is There Going to Be a Wedding of Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]If this is the best thing you can say about him, then run.  Just because he doesn't abuse you or cheat on you, doesn't mean he's a great guy. ETA:  I saw in one of your other posts that you had kissed another guy and this lead to trust issues in your relationship.  He may say he has forgiven you but it doesn't sound like he has.  While I don't condone all of his behavior, I also can't fault the guy for not trusting you completely.  Although, if you don't trust each other, you have no business getting married. I still think you should get out of the relationship but if you're not ready, at least seek counseling.  Either together or by yourself but you should definitely see someone.
Posted by emarston1[/QUOTE]

Exactly.  Just because someone doesn' cheat on you and doesn't beat you doesn't mean that they are good for you or nice to you. 

sarah42nd

I agree with Nilla. I think that once you find a new job and get counseling it will get alot better.

Theresa626

Honestly, I think your gut feeling about not getting married is the right one.  It's good though that you expressed these doubts and you're willing to admit that you have them especially so early on.  A lot of people get caught up in planning the wedding and ignore these little nagging signs until it's too late.  

First of all, you've been engaged a long time without a ring which wouldn't be a problem except that it seems that you want a ring.  Even if he got you the cheapest ring at Zale's, it would be a symbol of his commitment to you and I think that is important.  The fact that he hasn't gotten you a ring and isn't into planning the wedding and that he makes excuses about things you need to do first make me think that he isn't into marrying you either.  I've had other friends who seem to be in this situation too.  Sometimes a guy will like/love you enough to want to be with you for years and years but not to marry you.  I had one friend stay in a relationship for five and a half years and he kept saying they'd get married someday after he got a better job or she got a better job or this or that.  Lots of promises but he never followed through.  She finally broke it off and met someone very soon after who was much better and whom she ended up marrying.  

Even if he didn't have these commitment issues which he seems to have, there are other issues of concern.  You are right in that he should be more sharing of his money especially when you are engaged and living together. YOu don't need separate bank accounts but expecting you to pay for the entire wedding with no help from him is ridiculous.  Also, you need to discuss setting up a joint budget.  How much do you each save every month, how much you would put into a joint bill's etc account when you're married, what do you need to ask permission for before buying, etc.  Have you had serious money discussions with him?  Because I would definitely recommend talking about it and seeing if you're on the same page.  

Theresa626

I just read the second post about your father shoving your fiance and him shoving back.  When your entire family doesn't like someone, there is usually a very very good reason and maybe it's something you are blind to because of love.  Does your family love you?  Did they treat you well growing up?  Because if so, they probably have your best interests in mind when they tell you he's not a good guy for you.  Listen to them and take what they have to say into consideration.  Also, I'm not trying to say this is your relationship but I wanted to warn you that one of the signs of an abusive relationship is distancing the partner from their own family.  Your fiance has really distanced you from your family it seems. I don't know if you already were distant from them and this made it worse, but you really need to consider that.  I would never ever ever be ok with not having my family be at my wedding and if I were your family. I would be incredibly hurt beyond repair if you had this wedding and did not invite me.  

Theresa626

In Response to Re: Is There Going to Be a Wedding of Not?:
[. FI's proposal was spontaneous, and we had only been together for 2 months. 
Posted by Srbageldog[/QUOTE]
This right here is the reason why I think you need to hold off on your wedding plans. This clearly says he didn't mean it.  If he did, he would've proposed again in a planned manner and with a ring.  

deepcovejackie

To answer your question "is there going to be a wedding or not?", I'd have to say no, probably not. 

That aside, you're not in a good position to be married at this point anyway.  You're financially strained, and wondering to yourself where the money is going to come from.  That's a really good question.  Getting engaged does not mean that everything falls into place magically.

Your FI wants to wait to get married until you have a job you like and a car.  That's actually  a reasonable thought.  Sounds like he wants to be financially stable.  Also reasonable.  Doesn't want to get you a ring he can't affortd, probably also smart.  I didn't read your other posts so I can't comment on what appears to be a difficult relationship with him.  Other posters are concerned, you probably need to listen to them.

Good luck sorting this out.  In a word "counselling" would be my advice.

Srbageldog

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_there-going-wedding-of-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b74e6818-1fda-419d-984e-5426abd6d896Post:d8ce7be3-b767-4dc7-8bcd-124da7de5c15">Re: Is There Going to Be a Wedding of Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]I just read the second post about your father shoving your fiance and him shoving back.  When your entire family doesn't like someone, there is usually a very very good reason and maybe it's something you are blind to because of love.  Does your family love you?  Did they treat you well growing up?  Because if so, they probably have your best interests in mind when they tell you he's not a good guy for you.  Listen to them and take what they have to say into consideration.  Also, I'm not trying to say this is your relationship but I wanted to warn you that one of the signs of an abusive relationship is distancing the partner from their own family.  Your fiance has really distanced you from your family it seems. I don't know if you already were distant from them and this made it worse, but you really need to consider that.  I would never ever ever be ok with not having my family be at my wedding and if I were your family. I would be incredibly hurt beyond repair if you had this wedding and did not invite me.  
Posted by Theresa626[/QUOTE]

I  grew up in an abusive environment. My father is a manipulative, physically violent man. I watched him beat up my mom and my siblings on a daily basis. I also got beat up a lot myself. I hate my dad, period. Almost everybody hates him. When he hit my FI, he took on someone who wasn't going to take that crap. Sometimes I worry that <strong>I</strong> am being emotionally abusive to my FI. I am afraid of repeating the cycle of abuse. However when I start seeing undesired behavior reflecting through my behavior, I do my best to stop it.

The whole situation with my family is very complicated. I don't hate most of them, except for one brother and my dad. My mom chooses to stay with my dad, who is really a no good bum. The main reason I question whether I would invite them or not to my wedding, if and when it happens, is that I worry they would act inappropriately or start drama. It's not like I could invite everyone but exclude my dad. Because he's really the only one me and my FI have a problem with.

catemeg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_there-going-wedding-of-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b74e6818-1fda-419d-984e-5426abd6d896Post:427638a0-13b8-496e-a0b4-3566597af220">Re: Is There Going to Be a Wedding of Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is There Going to Be a Wedding of Not? : I  grew up in an abusive environment. <strong>My father is a manipulative, physically violent man</strong>. I watched him beat up my mom and my siblings on a daily basis.<strong> I also got beat up a lot myself</strong>. I hate my dad, period. Almost everybody hates him. When he hit my FI, he took on someone who wasn't going to take that crap. <strong>Sometimes I worry that I am being emotionally abusive to my FI. I am afraid of repeating the cycle of abuse.</strong> However when I start seeing undesired behavior reflecting through my behavior, I do my best to stop it. The whole situation with my family is very complicated. I don't hate most of them, except for one brother and my dad. <strong>My mom chooses to stay with my dad, who is really a no good bum</strong>. The main reason I question whether I would invite them or not to my wedding, if and when it happens, is that I worry they would act inappropriately or start drama. It's not like I could invite everyone but exclude my dad. Because he's really the only one me and my FI have a problem with.
Posted by Srbageldog[/QUOTE]

May I completely reitterate the previous suggestions for counseling?  Not just couples counseling, but individual counseling.

It sounds like you want to <strong>learn </strong>how to have a healthy relationship, and you're trying.  But if you're worried about repeating the circle of abuse, get help.  Trust me, they can help you if you want to be helped.

As far as the situation with your boyfriend, it doesn't sound like a healthy situation.  He doesn't sound in the least bit sympathetic or supportive of you, and your efforts to explain the situation really made it worse because you just didn't sound like you knew why you were with this man anymore ("he's not abusive" is not a good reason - there were no gushy points, "he's so good to me" would have been a good start). Also, using the marriage as a threat is just unhealthy.  It sounds, at the least, that your communication skills need some serious work.  Either together or alone, counseling can help you with your communication.

My guess is he proposed because you were both really into each other, in a new relationship kind of way.  Heck, at 2 months, my BF and I were all over each other like white on rice.  We knew at 5 months and discussed that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.  But it's nearly 2 years later, and our relationship has deepened and strengthened.  We're not in the hot honeymoon stage anymore, but he's more thoughtful and more intuned with me due to 2 years of experience together.  If your relationship hasn't gotten better since just 2 months in, then it's not likely to get back to that.  Getting married won't fix it.  Counseling might, but you really need to shelve the idea of marriage all together.  <strong>Really, you should un-engage yourselves, so that when/if he really wants to marry you, he can show you by proposing again.</strong>  Then you'll feel more comfortable going ahead with planning.

I'm not going to make judgements whether your FI loves you and if he meant his proposal at the time, but everything he's saying and doing now indicates that he does not want to get married.  Whether that means he doesn't want to get married right now, or doesn't want to get married to you, I have no idea.  But I am very, very sure that this is not a man who wants to get married.

Midgetth

First of all did he even really propose? I'm sorry to ask this but why doesn't he have a ring? He should have one for you when he propes or immediately after.

Second: It doesn't sound like he's ready for marriage. My FI & I do not think of it as his bills my bills his money my money. It always OUR bills OUR money. It's been that way since we first started dating. And that's the way marraige is it's not his or yours it's both of yours OURS.

Third: This sin't a small issue this is a HUGE issue. I would go to counseling. If you ask him to go to counseling & he says "No" then I'm sorry hunny but he just doesn't care nor does he want to be with you. If he wants to be with you then he will be willing to try counseling & making it work.

Good Luck

maybe984

Um. I hate to sound like a terrible, insensitive person... but you are NOT ENGAGED. I'm sorry. You're just not. Yes, it's possible to get married without a ring... but not after two months of dating... especially when that's followed by 2.5 years of ZERO progress made towards getting married. It does not sound, from anything you've said, like he has any intention of marrying you. He just knows that if he tells you that, you'll leave. And guys like that don't like being dumped.

Also, all of your half-hearted rebuttals where you try to convince us that "he's really a good guy" just don't ring true. More than anything, you sound like an abuse victim who is trying to justify the fact that you have no intention of leaving.

aerinpegadrak

Does he introduce you to people as his fiancee?  Or does he avoid using titles?  That's really telling.  Despite your follow-up posts, I still get the feeling that his conception of your relationship is very different than yours.

I also agree that some personal counseling might be in order.  The fact that your relationship is more stable than your parents' doesn't mean that yours is healthy, any more than being the best cook at McDonald's means you're ready to work in a Michelin-rated restaurant.  Since your primary relationship model is so messed up, it sounds like you have a lot to learn about what constitutes a healthy and functional partnership.

All of your posts make me really sad.  I hope you can start being honest with yourself, because if you don't, nothing is going to change.

Theresa626

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_there-going-wedding-of-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b74e6818-1fda-419d-984e-5426abd6d896Post:427638a0-13b8-496e-a0b4-3566597af220">Re: Is There Going to Be a Wedding of Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is There Going to Be a Wedding of Not? : I  grew up in an abusive environment. My father is a manipulative, physically violent man. I watched him beat up my mom and my siblings on a daily basis. I also got beat up a lot myself. I hate my dad, period. Almost everybody hates him. When he hit my FI, he took on someone who wasn't going to take that crap. Sometimes I worry that I am being emotionally abusive to my FI. I am afraid of repeating the cycle of abuse. However when I start seeing undesired behavior reflecting through my behavior, I do my best to stop it. The whole situation with my family is very complicated. I don't hate most of them, except for one brother and my dad. My mom chooses to stay with my dad, who is really a no good bum. The main reason I question whether I would invite them or not to my wedding, if and when it happens, is that I worry they would act inappropriately or start drama. It's not like I could invite everyone but exclude my dad. Because he's really the only one me and my FI have a problem with.
Posted by Srbageldog[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'm sorry to hear that your family was like this.  I would understand if you did want to cut them out of your life especially if they are still being abusive to you. It's concerning because although you are not with someone who hits you (which is good) it seems like your upbringing has caused you to suffer a severe lack of self esteem.  To me, it seems like you're staying with this guy because you think no one else would love you or want to marry you.  But, I'm sure that there will be someone else out there who can really love you and take care of you.  

</div>

Srbageldog

All of your responses did effect me enough that I brought up the subject to my FI.
His respnse? He held me and assured me he intend to marry  me next year on the date we have chosen.
He was upset that I was upset by alll of this. He explained that he just wants some major components of our lives to be more settled before planning our big day, and as our big day is still more than a year away, he has high hopes we can accomplish this.

Please, don't think bad thingd of my FI because I vent here. He has been through a lot of sh*t in his lifetime, I do not wish to contrtibute to it.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_there-going-wedding-of-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:b74e6818-1fda-419d-984e-5426abd6d896Post:14a7a478-dff4-4541-a88b-2d7d0d2e7084">Re: Is There Going to Be a Wedding of Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]All of your responses did effect me enough that I brought up the subject to my FI. His respnse? He held me and assured me he intend to marry  me next year on the date we have chosen. He was upset that I was upset by alll of this. He explained that he just wants some major components of our lives to be more settled before planning our big day, and as our big day is still more than a year away, he has high hopes we can accomplish this. Please, don't think bad thingd of my FI because I vent here. <strong>He has been through a lot of sh*t in his lifetime, I do not wish to contrtibute to it.
</strong>Posted by Srbageldog[/QUOTE]

Sounds like you've been through a lot of sh!t in your lifetime and he has no problems contributing to it.

Hey, I hope he does follow through, but I know where my money is -- you'll be back here in a year telling us his new laundry list of excuses for why he can't marry you.

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_there-going-wedding-of-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:b74e6818-1fda-419d-984e-5426abd6d896Post:14a7a478-dff4-4541-a88b-2d7d0d2e7084">Re: Is There Going to Be a Wedding of Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]All of your responses did effect me enough that I brought up the subject to my FI. His respnse? He held me and assured me he intend to marry  me next year on the date we have chosen. He was upset that I was upset by alll of this. He explained that he just wants some major components of our lives to be more settled before planning our big day, and as our big day is still more than a year away, he has high hopes we can accomplish this. Please, don't think bad thingd of my FI because I vent here. He has been through a lot of sh*t in his lifetime, I do not wish to contrtibute to it.
Posted by Srbageldog[/QUOTE]

After everything else that you have posted, you still need to get some counseling.  If you can't afford a psychologist, try to see someone at your church if you belong to one.

maybe984

Please take us seriously when we suggest therapy.

You can't expect to post a scathing rant about your significant other (actually, multiple) on a public forum and expect people NOT to call it as they see it. And how 99.9% of us see it is that your "FI" is an emotionally abusive jerk that likely has no real intentions of marrying you. The fact that you act surprised and offended by our very real concern and suggestions is downright ludicrous.

Honestly, it sounds like everyone in your life (or at least us and your immediate family) are repeatedly telling you that he's abusive. When are you going to take the hint? If that many people are telling you that, it's probably a big neon sign that you're blind to his true character.

If he's not abusive, then my only other thought is that you crave negative attention. You post these things to garner pity, but balk when people actually encourage you to take action.

catemeg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_there-going-wedding-of-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b74e6818-1fda-419d-984e-5426abd6d896Post:14a7a478-dff4-4541-a88b-2d7d0d2e7084">Re: Is There Going to Be a Wedding of Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]All of your responses did effect me enough that I brought up the subject to my FI. His respnse? He held me and assured me he intend to marry  me next year on the date we have chosen. He was upset that I was upset by alll of this. He explained that he just wants some major components of our lives to be more settled before planning our big day, and as our big day is still more than a year away, he has high hopes we can accomplish this. Please, don't think bad thingd of my FI because I vent here. He has been through a lot of sh*t in his lifetime, I do not wish to contrtibute to it.
Posted by Srbageldog[/QUOTE]

I'm glad this prompted you both to speak about your concerns, and for him to reinforce that he loves you and wants to be with you. I won't judge him or you because I know this is only one part of the story and was said in anger and frustration, but I do believe fully that you need counseling. 

I agree with the person who said if you don't have insurance that will cover a psychologist (though most will), then a minister or someone could be an acceptable substitute. 

Often insurance won't cover "couples counseling" but if you go in for private counseling, often the psychologist will have you bring in your significant other for a few sessions to talk out some of the issues you bring up.  It would be good for you to go alone to discuss your family.  I think it would help you learn how to have a healthier relationship in the long run.

Perhaps you should really consider "un-engaging" yourselves - tell him you really want a ring (Blue Nile has something for all budgets - even pretty rings for under $100, which any of us can save in just a few months), that you really want to marry him, but you want him to ask you again.  If he loves you and wants you to be happy, this is a small thing to ask.  It will also give you both time to work out your issues, and when he asks you again you'll know he really means it.

Good luck!