Pick a side mom

enlightenedkarma

My mom is really confusing me. They moved to London 2 years ago, the past year I spent with them. She was really excited about my engagement, until my fiance couldn't get a visa to move to the UK. I moved back to Colorado to be with him, and she switched sides. Constantly telling me what a horrible decision I've made, how stupid I was to move back home, how I should marry anyone else as long as he lives in the UK. I understand she wants me close to her.

I hinted once that I would rather elope than plan a big wedding, and she became furious demanding I have a wedding so she can see me in a wedding dress. I do want a wedding for myself, but most of this is for her. Only she could care less. She doesn't want to hear about any of the planning, she shoots down all my ideas, and now I've asked her and my dad to sit down and make a list of family they feel should be invited and she tells me, "Don't invite dad's family". Um, does DAD know this?

I have spoken to her about it, and she'll deny any wrongdoing, even if I call her out on an immediate rude comment about my fiance (who she used to love). That or she yells at me and hangs up.

Should I continue on making plans, and just not share any details until she finally feels regretful? Or should I just keep talking about the plans I'm making, despite her changing the subject, and hope in the end she'll feel like she was a part of it if she does regret what she's done? This was supposed to be fun and so far I haven't received any interest from my family or even my bridesmaids.

SarahPLiz

I don't think its about picking sides, and I htink it has nothing to do with your FI. If you want to elope and she wants to seeyou in a dress, then compromise and have a DW with just your immediate families. YOu can still have your bridesmaids, as I assume they are close enough to family.

Send her an invitation and if she doesn't come, so be it. Its nice to have family support during the planning process, but its not necessary. You can come here to talk about wedding stuff 24/7 and no one minds

My sister eloped and my mom wasn't there and she still holds a slight grudge 12 years later and is kind of taking it out on me during this planning process. Therefore, I think a DW where your mom is at least invited is probably the best move for you. Plan it yourself and send the invitations. Then get married, because that is THE most important part!

goheels05

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_pick-side-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:be04d733-20e4-4287-97d1-8811e164c38dPost:6c3e149b-98e3-4b92-bcb4-c4bc3b343574">Pick a side mom</a>:
[QUOTE] Should I continue on making plans, and just not share any details until she finally feels regretful? [/QUOTE]

Well don't withhold details in hopes of making her regretful.  That's terribly immature.  But do withhold details because it's obviously stressing you out to no end.  Plan your wedding how you and your FI want to plan it.  If your mom isn't paying, her input doesn't really matter.  I also think you might be taking your mother a little too literally.  When she says things like she doesn't want your father's side to be invited, don't have a meltdown, just laugh and say "oh, you, mom." 

It sounds like she's having a really hard time with letting her little girl grow up.  Don't make it harder by adding to the drama she's creating.  One of you needs to be the big girl, and it sounds like it's going to have to be you.

enlightenedkarma

Thanks guys. It definitely helps getting out the frustration. I don't want to hurt her, but at the same time I know I have to be the bigger person. My biggest fear is that at the end of it all, she'll feel bad about not helping, because it's always been her dream to help me plan my wedding. I can't be responsible for her actions or how she feels after they've been executed, but I know I can be there for her if she does end up being upset by her own behavior.

jeannigirl

I know that you would like to have mom onboard however she is choosing not to at this time. Their are consquences of the choosen behaviors and she is missing out on a important time of your life. Hopefully she will soon be hopping on board with you.

The issue is that she see's that you are becoming an adult and somewhat detaching from her has you move on in this new life with your FI. Just let her know how much you love her and you always will and that you want her by your side has you plan this special day. I am sure that it will all work out and give her some time to make this new adjustment in her life.

I also am a mother and it isn't easy to let your little girl go their are some emotional strings attached there.So just get a glimpse into her emotions at this time to.

enlightenedkarma

Thank you Jeanni.

cukimerrydoll

My mom has been doing the same thing - except for the talking badly about the FH part.  But if you're sure that's due to the living situation, that might be why it isn't a problem for us...

We've started communicating via email.  I send her images, she looks at them at her leizure.  If I ask "did you get my email?" it makes it easy for her to change the subject.  Email is also really easy to go back and quote if a comment is hurtful.

My mom can get down-right mean, so it's just the least painful to do it that way.  I get the impression she actually thinks about what she's saying when it's in an email and not on the phone/in person.

glam70s

I can imagine going through this with my mother. The first thing that came to mind, was why your FI couldn't get a visa. With my mother, even if she loved him previously, she would change her mind depending on the reason for the declined visa. If it was because he couldn't find work, etc. she would feel very differently about him and wouldn't want me to be with someone who can't find work or hold a job.

I'm not saying that's the situation here, but it was the first thing that came to mind for me..

brittany0811

wow this sounds really stressful. My mom hated my hubby to be at first. she called him a pedophile and rapist and killer for no reason at all except we met online and he's 4 years older. but now she accepts him. i would tell your mom that you're going to marry him no matter what, and either she'll be part of it or she won't-her decision.  good luck!