I need to vent! Warning- long post!

daisymom0317

Please don't think I'm a bad person. Just need to vent my frustration. I've already made another post several days ago about something sort of similiar to this topic. My fiance has an almost 14 year old son who lives with him fulltime. We hardly ever spend alone time together. It's always the 3 of us doing stuff. I would say that 80% to 90% of the time when we see each other that his son comes along. Now please don't hate me or start fussing at me. I like his son; we get along great. I also like alone time with my fiance and we don't do a lot of that. I'm afraid it will even decrease when we get married. By the way, I have no kids of my own. Maybe that's why I'm struggling with this.
Here's what has sent me over the edge. We made plans to see each other tonight and go out to eat. He's even going to Walmart with me to get groceries. I thought it was going to be just the two of us tonight because he told me earlier today that he would be over right after work. He didn't mention anything about going to pick up his son. So, I really was looking forward to spending the evening alone with him. Well I asked him so you don't need to go home first and get anything before you come over (I asked him that in case he wanted to shower or something). He said oh yeah, got to get my son. So, my smile went away. Am I a bad person?
 Then tomorrow, we had made plans to go see my grandmother then go shopping with my cousin to pick out a flower girl dress. Well, I assumed his son would stay at home tomorrow and not really care to "flower girl dress shop". Well, come to find out, I just was informed that he's coming with us. I know there's nothing wrong with him tagging along. But I just miss alone time with my fiance. And I won't see him Sunday then there's always next week, but most week nights, it's the 3 of us again. Guess I'm just sad right now. We've had discussions before about spending more alone time together but it hasn't improved.
Sorry for the long post. Just needed to type out my feelings. And please don't be too harsh on me. I'm really a good person and do like kids.

sparent2010

Maybe you should talk to him about having just the 2 of you time?

ceh789

You're marrying a custodial parent.  Yes, your "alone time" is probably going to be even less than it is now once you're living with your husband and stepson.  This is going to be a HUGE adjustment.

In your previous thread people had suggested that you may want to invest in some family counseling.  Have you looked into that?

ChristineNB

Maybe you need to talk to your fiancee again about your need for some alone time.  I think it's great that you like your soon to be step-son and you sound like you'll be a great step-mom, but you need like a date night once a week without the son.  Plus, I'm sure a teenage boy isn't super thrilled to be going on dress shop outings.

blgrout

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-need-to-vent-warning-long-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:be872113-95ec-4983-857e-33e15f846f6bPost:71393b3c-b934-4e07-9b17-2d7a254581fb">Re: I need to vent! Warning- long post!</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe you need to talk to your fiancee again about your need for some alone time.  I think it's great that you like your soon to be step-son and you sound like you'll be a great step-mom, but you need like a date night once a week without the son.  Plus, I'm sure a teenage boy isn't super thrilled to be going on dress shop outings.
Posted by ChristineNB[/QUOTE]


I agree with this.  I do remember your other post, and it's a major adjustment to live with kids (FI's son lived with us for a short while, but currently he lives with his mom).  I can't remember if you and FI had talked about setting aside alone time or not, but I would make it a point to talk to him about it and actively make plans to have a date night for just the two of you, so you have alone time.  The suggestion of family counseling might not be bad either, because chances are his son may be trying to get used to what the new family dynamic will be with you and his dad married.  It will take everyone some getting used to, just keep the lines of communication open and honest.

lyndausvi

I completely understand you wanting to spend alone time with your FI, but I also think it's unrealistic to think you are going to get more than 10-20% of alone time when he is the custodial parent.

I think the best you can ask for is a once a week date night. 

goobersinlove

I hope this doesn't come off as an attack because I totally don't mean it to be, and I can see why you would feel the way you do.  But the situation with your FI's son sounds a lot like me when I was a teenager and my parents were divorced (and subsequently dating other people).

My mom and dad didn't have any formal custody arrangement with me.  I was an only child and I could bounce back and forth between my mom's and my dad's houses and stay as long as I wanted at either place. When I was about 15, and my Dad had moved a woman in that he was dating for a while, and she was always pissed that I was coming and going, staying, etc. and she wanted my Dad to set some sort of "schedule" of when I could be there and when I couldn't because she wanted more alone time with my Dad.  She was jealous of me and started this competition with me for my Dad's attention (which I was completely unaware of at the time). But my Dad was never, ever, ever going to exclude me from anything, tell me when I could and couldn't come over, or otherwise make me unwelcome just because she didn't like it.  My Dad made his relationship with me a priority and wasn't going to compromise that.  His girlfriend couldn't deal with that, so he dumped her and kicked her out.

I'm not saying that you're a bad person, that your FI should leave you or anything like that. The above was just MY story.  My point is that your FI was a parent before you came into his life and this is his son.  Obviously you know that, but it's hard to fully conceptualize when you aren't a parent.  Therefore, IMO, it would be unfair of you to ask your fiance to in any way "scale down" his relationship with his kiddo and spend more time with you.  You knew this before getting into this relationship, and you really can't expect it to change.  So if you find yourself being UNHAPPY when his kid is around, you really need to figure out that issue before you get married.  This is where I agree with the counseling advise that others have suggested.

Back to your side, wanting alone time is not unreasonable at all.  Try to plan a date night once a week if you can.

daisymom0317

Thanks all. I don't take any of what ya'll said as criticism towards me. I haven't looked into the family counseling thing yet, guess I'm scared to suggest it. I don't want my fiance to think I'm a bad person. And yes, I've even told my friends what if I can't be a stepmom. Yes, I did know he was a full time parent when I got in to this relationship. I just didn't realize the mom wouldn't be spending any time with him. I thought we would be able to use that time as our "alone time". I just found out that his son doesn't want to go flower girl dress shopping tomorrow, so we'll be able to have a little time together tomorrow. Not that I mind him tagging along. I just know how he hates shopping, and I want to be able to take my time in finding the perfect little flower girl dress.
Thanks again ya'll.

sonya+adam

I think you just need to sit down and talk to your FI. I totally understand you wanting alone time with your FI. That's definitely not a crime. But, since he is a custodial parent, you have to understand that his son is a top priority. That's not to say that you aren't. Also remember that his son is only 14. Some parents, and this might include your FI, feel that that's too young an age to leave him home alone.

mtbentley

There is nothing wrong with wanting more alone time, it doesn't make you a bad person. Heck, I get sad about not having any alone time with my FI and we have a child together, so its not like I am adjusting to a new situation. I am really sorry to say that the situation probalby won't change much. The best advice I can give is to really cherish the few times you do get together. Even if it is just some quiet time while his son is doing homework. Kids don't leave much time for a social life so these little things will help to hold you over until you have a chance to actually get out together (which probably won't happen very often, sorry).

Also keep in mind that his son may be feeling the same as you, time that he would have had alone with his dad now he has you tagging along. Just something to think about

Hang in there, it will be a difficult adjustment but you will all get through it

Gabrielle76

Going from having no kids to joining a family is a huge change, I think what you are expressing is totally natural.  Really, really look into couples therapy, not to suggest you aren't going to be a wonderful step mom, but that is a huge change, and there is nothing wrong with finding a professional to help you through it. 

daisymom0317

Such good points for me to think about. Just a little update...we all did go out last night and had dinner, went to the mall, then to the grocery store. He had stated he didn't want to come with me and my fiance today to see my grandma and to go flower girl dress shopping. But I knew we would be gone all day, so I suggested he tag along. I started to feel guilty about him being home alone all day with nothing to do. My fiance said he and his son would just step into another store while my cousin and I dress shop. I'm perfectly fine with that. I do understand everything you all have said in your previous posts, and I really do think I'll sit down with my fiance and suggest therapy. It is going to be a big adjustment for me going from having no kids to having a 14 year old son. I'm so glad I found this board. Such good people. Thanks again.

mizutamababy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-need-to-vent-warning-long-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:be872113-95ec-4983-857e-33e15f846f6bPost:d0e80c72-63d0-4ae2-9d82-23c8aebb5cf0">Re: I need to vent! Warning- long post!</a>:
[QUOTE]Such good points for me to think about. Just a little update...we all did go out last night and had dinner, went to the mall, then to the grocery store. He had stated he didn't want to come with me and my fiance today to see my grandma and to go flower girl dress shopping. But I knew we would be gone all day, so I suggested he tag along. I started to feel guilty about him being home alone all day with nothing to do. My fiance said he and his son would just step into another store while my cousin and I dress shop. I'm perfectly fine with that. I do understand everything you all have said in your previous posts, and I really do think I'll sit down with my fiance and suggest therapy. It is going to be a big adjustment for me going from having no kids to having a 14 year old son. I'm so glad I found this board. Such good people. Thanks again.
Posted by daisymom0317[/QUOTE]

I'm glad you're going to suggest counseling.  I know how hard of a decision this must be, and it might even feel awkward or embarrassing to admit how you're feeling.  But you not only owe it to yourself, but to your FI (and his son).

If you don't say anything what's likely to happen is the feeling you have now will grow and turn into something negative in your relationship, until at some point you may not be able to handle it anymore leaving your H and his son high and dry.  Not to mention the amount of dissatisfaction the relationship will have left you.

You still have time before marriage to make sure you're on the same page.  You'll never be able to replace FI's son's biological mother, but once you become a legal family he will become your child and giving you almost equal, if not totally equal, say in how to contribute raising him.

I agree with PPs that 14 can be an awkward age on what to do with a child.  By that time my mother was okay with me at home after school until she got home from work, but usually not at night for extended periods of time or overnight.  I'm sure your FI wants to spend as much time as possible with you as well, but being a responsible parent comes first.  I'm sure the responsible part probably played a part in why you chose him, right?

I'm sure once you become a family and the son grows a little older they'll be less attached.  Another thing is that the son at this point may not be fully adjusted to the role change that's about to take place.  As a daughter of a single parent, I'm not sure I would have handled my mother getting remarried very well.  Not because I wouldn't have wanted my mom to be happy, but because as a child in that kind of relationship it feels a little opposite of how you're feeling...  You have lots of time with your parent, who is basically your whole world, but suddenly you have to share and it hurts.   I don't know if this is situation even exists with your FI and his son, but I'm just also putting that out there as something to consider and talk about as his son's feelings on this are important, too.  If anything everyone sounds like they need a little reassurance that ya'll are going to be fine.

bethanyj6811

Don't mean this as a threat, but I have to tell you my thoughts. I was a stepchild. Notice I said was... my stepmother had died 3 weeks ago to diabetes. I wish I knew her better than I did. you should try to step into your soon-to-be step-son's shoes for once. I have been staying with my father because he is alone with my 8 year old half brother who has autism, ADD, ADHD, and ODD. I get that it's hard, but wouldn't you feel bad if the son wouldn't even want to be around you? I hadn't appreciated what she had tried to do for me, and now I regret it. Be happy you two have a good relationship, because I regret the fact that I didn't. It's sad enough to know that my father is up at night and cannot sleep. Do little steps at a time, by getting your alone time in. I'd say 1 time a week do a date night. Just a little inside advice from me. Don't be too harsh because if it were to be the same situation with you, wouldn't you want him to be there for his father?

unionport

I know it is very frutrating.  However, his son will soon want to be with his friends and not always with his Dad.  Bide your time and don't let this ruin your relationship.  i ws in a similar situation and when the "two" of them turned 15 to 16 they wanted to go out with peers.

blakgarnet

You've already gotten a lot of good advice, but I thought I'd add another few cents...

1.  At 14, I did not like my father's girlfriend, but now think of her as a great friend.  I think part of the change was based on my own maturity and partly on the ability to find things in common with her to share.

2.  I think alone time for a couple is essential!  It doesn't matter that he's your soon to be step son, I think the rule applies even once you have your own children.  It's difficult to be an effective parenting unit without having that essential foundation.  Doesn't have to be elaborate, maybe just lunch or dinner once a week.  You're going to be a parent once you get married - full time!  This may be essential to helping you make that tranition.  The last thing this child needs is for you to get frustrated a year or 2 into the relationship because the relationship is not getting the attention it needs to grow (just like a plant or pet) and have his wrold change again.

3.  Do you spend oen on one time with your future step son?  You're about to be a parents!  You need to develop your own relationship with him as there may be times when you're the only parent in charge - he needs to respect you and be comfortable with you in that role as well.

Good luck!