Frustrated with lack of wedding help....

AshRouss

My Fiance and I have been fighting a lot lately. I do ALL the wedding planning and footwork--I am also footing most of the bill.  The first time his wallet was opened was for our rings.  I am just wondering if this is a common thing or if I am suffering all my lonesome. 

I am struggling to maintain wedding stuff--Christmas--my students and myself. I just wanted him to make calls and payments. Nothing that required any thinking at all.

Help!

redheadfsu

Lots of people, not just men, don't like wedding planning. However, if he sees you are stressed, he really should want to help. Not because he wants to help plan the wedding, but to help you.

Have you tried having a non-emotional chat about how stressed you are? Maybe mention what he could do to help you out ?

If my FI didn't care or ask to help me when I'm freaking out about the wedding (or anything), I don't think I would marry him. But every relationship is different.

Celles

I'm planning ours, too -- but my FI lives in another country so he gets a bit of a pass. 

Based on past discussions, I don't think it's unusual for one person (usually the bride) to do most of the planning.  However, I would be concerned by the financial disparity in your situation.  Did you guys agree that you would foot the bill for the wedding, or is it just kind of working out that way?  I would suggest having an honest conversation about finances soon.  When we got engaged, we opened a joint checking account for wedding related expenses and contributed to it equally.

AshRouss

I assumed I would put more money towards the wedding--I am in a career and he is just starting out at a bank. I didnt think I would be under so much pressure. It is the simple little things now that need to be settled for peace of mind and for plannings sake.

jessienjeremy

I feel your pain.  FI just says I dont care when I ask a question. I have been under some stress lately trying to get everything done. He got mad at me the other night then apologized and said he understnads I am stressed and asked if he could help. I wanted to snap and say OHH now you want to help 2 months before. But I appreciate he recognized all I have to do.   I admit though I have a bad habbit of not asking cause I just assume do it myself.

phillychica85

H never said outright that he didn't care, but I didn't get a lot beyond "that's nice," or "it seems cool." He took care of the rehearsal dinner but that was about all the planning he did.

It doesn't seem right that you're footing most of the bill though. It should def. be even there, or as close to even as possible. I would def. try to have a talk with him, like other people said, let him know how stressed/overwhelmed you are feeling. That it's not just your wedding, but "our" wedding. Some guys are 100% oblivious creatures and at least from the stress part, he might not even be aware of all that it takes to plan a wedding.

Good luck!

aerinpegadrak

I ended up also footing the bill for most of the wedding stuff.  But that was because he was mainly footing the bill for the non-wedding stuff, so I was the one with the spare cash to be able to set aside for wedding expenses.  We maintain mostly separate finances even now that we're married, so it wasn't a source of tension or anything.  As far as making decisions, DH isn't as detail oriented as I can be, so I would usually give him two or three options and ask him to choose (and then stick to that, even if I liked one of the other options slightly better), or show him a mock-up of something like the invitations or centerpieces to get a yea or nay.  In that way he was very involved in the planning, without getting bogged down in the blue-sky part of things.

Planning a wedding is often the first major thing a couple does together, and it's a major test of how you work together as a couple.  Have you sorted out your finances?  Not just for the wedding, but have you decided how you're going to handle merging (or not merging) them?  Have you told him how you're feeling about the planning?  A huge part of a successful marriage is being able to talk to each other about anything and everything, nothing should be taboo.

jessienjeremy

The joke among my closest friends is that FI will be at our weddng and go

"WOW I didnt know we had a chocolate fountain!"

AshRouss

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_frustrated-lack-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:be8ff4c3-230f-4e65-a62f-37f17b1f74efPost:2b0d1bb0-99e6-465f-b67e-a16c959286ea">Re: Frustrated with lack of wedding help....</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel your pain.  FI just says I dont care when I ask a question. I have been under some stress lately trying to get everything done. He got mad at me the other night then apologized and said he understnads I am stressed and asked if he could help. I wanted to snap and say OHH now you want to help 2 months before. But I appreciate he recognized all I have to do.   I admit though I have a bad habbit of not asking cause I just assume do it myself.
Posted by jessienjeremy[/QUOTE]

<div>AHH!! That is totally what my FI did today. I had a list on the kitchen table--I wrote the list with him and he was like "What can I do?" I lost it... I said there is a list. A freaking list in the kitchen---"there's a list?"  I hope that tonight he at least CALLS someone from the list. </div>

AshRouss

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_frustrated-lack-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:be8ff4c3-230f-4e65-a62f-37f17b1f74efPost:f97078bc-ff68-402c-944e-7901211c7349">Re: Frustrated with lack of wedding help....</a>:
[QUOTE]The joke among my closest friends is that FI will be at our weddng and go "WOW I didnt know we had a chocolate fountain!"
Posted by jessienjeremy[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>That will totally be Chris. :)</div>

sister2groom

Not caring about planning very much is normal. However, you need to make sure you've had some discussions about what's going to happen with sharing money/shared costs once you get married (and also who will pay for the wedding) so you're not wondering bill-by-bill.

ElleestJenn

Just start telling hIm what to do. I was in the same place, doing everything myself and then I would get upset that he didn't ask if I wanted help. Well after awhile I finally just finally started telling him I need him to do this. When I give him a specific tasks he's more responsive than just saying "here FI, there's a list do something from it." 

AshRouss

aerinpegadrak

I am right where you are except we still split most bills.  Our finances are pretty cut and dry. We are paying student loans and wedding planning and such. It is just hard because I make double what he makes. I understand that part of paying the wedding--but I just dont see the not helping. 

AshRouss

You knotties are great. I appreciate venting and getting your wonderful help. I cant wait to get home tonight to try some of this on.

marissa_claire

I think this is pretty common.  I did everything for our wedding except the tuxes.  

My suggestion would be that if you're going to ask him to do something, make it a very specific task.  Guys are much better with specifics, esp. when it comes to directions.  

Glad you could find help!  I think we've all been in the same boat.

NillaWafer10

You're definitely not alone haha! I found that assigning H specific tasks helped to include him.  However, I did find that it was easier just to do it myself

I wouldn't worry too much unless you foresee these problems transferring into your marriage. 

ehathewa

I had almost the opposite problem.  My husband originally wanted to help and weigh in on "everything".  After about two weeks of asking him questions and trying to get opions and him being ultra grumpy, I re-asked the question: Do you really want to be involved in all of the planning?  He said no, he only wanted a cheese platter and to marry me.

I did give some tasks to him - Buy gifts for groomsmen, pick out tux style and color, and come to the food tasting.  Since they seemed important and relevant to him he was a good cooperator. 

I think it may also help to set aside time to discuss things.  Don't bombard him while he's trying to play X-Box or watch football- that won't go well. 

AshRouss

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_frustrated-lack-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:be8ff4c3-230f-4e65-a62f-37f17b1f74efPost:3ddb64f6-c4f3-44b1-be8e-6d3598656d44">Re: Frustrated with lack of wedding help....</a>:
[QUOTE].  Don't bombard him while he's trying to play X-Box or watch football- that won't go well. 
Posted by ehathewa[/QUOTE]

<div>This is kind of when I got upset yesterday when I was talking to him when he was on Playstation 3 Opps.</div>

garcias1

FI is not super interested in anything either, lol.  He was involved in choosing the church and venue, obviously.  Other than that he says "Do what you want."  He's been in charge of some things, like collecting addresses from his coworkers and contacting his church to get them to send a letter of permission for a different priest to marry us.  Other than that, I just run things by him before I make a decison (like choosing vendors), and he says "Sounds good.  Go ahead and do that."  Honestly, I tend to be a little Type A some times, so it's probably best that I'm doing everything, because otherwise I would be hounding him to get his stuff done.

aerinpegadrak

Hey, some of those games take a lot of concentration.  If someone had interrupted me for anything while I was trying to climb that stupid revolving blade tower in God of War, my reaction would not have been pretty.  Of course, part of having good communication is both DH and I feeling free to say "Shut up for a second, I need to focus"...

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_frustrated-lack-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:be8ff4c3-230f-4e65-a62f-37f17b1f74efPost:e40fcda0-2cc5-4641-8170-61e5f0698af0">Re: Frustrated with lack of wedding help....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Frustrated with lack of wedding help.... : This is kind of when I got upset yesterday when I was talking to him when he was on Playstation 3 Opps.
Posted by AshRouss[/QUOTE]

Yeah, don't have any serious conversations when the other person is distracted. Just tell him that when he is free later, that you had a few questions/ things to discuss.

wiwicaty

Pardon my bluntness but I think that since you're paying for most of the wedding he really should (at least) be extremely helpful and extremely happy about it, too. I guess I'm lucky since FI is wonderfully involved, but I understand that is generally accepted for guys not to be... nonetheless, there's a limit! You're not marrying yourself!

What's the point of getting married otherwise? Just to pop a question and then leave the other alone? 

Sorry, JMO of course!

jmkes

It's sad but true what they say:  no one will ever be as excited for your wedding as you are.  Unfortunately your FI is included in that (most of the time.)  Stay organized and on top of things as best as you can.  Learn to let some things go.

I did almost all of the work alone for our wedding.  I had some help with some of the deco from my MOH (who is now my SIL).  It was a lot to take on with also trying to sell my house, move to a new city, find a new place to live and find a new job.  But I did it.  The week before I had lots of people step up and say "give me something to do".  This includes H.  I don't think he realized until that week and when we were decorating and setting up the day before how much work I put into it.  He was very appreciative and really came through.  So many people told me "I can't believe you did all of this on your own with no help."  It just seemed to come naturally.  If it needs to get done, find a way to do it.  If something can't get done, then let it go.

jessienjeremy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_frustrated-lack-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:be8ff4c3-230f-4e65-a62f-37f17b1f74efPost:e40fcda0-2cc5-4641-8170-61e5f0698af0">Re: Frustrated with lack of wedding help....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Frustrated with lack of wedding help.... : This is kind of when I got upset yesterday when I was talking to him when he was on Playstation 3 Opps.
Posted by AshRouss[/QUOTE]

Let me guess.. COD black opps.

My FI and his friends are on that thing all night long.  I make him pause it to help me  :)

AshRouss

Jessie---no it was Super Street Fighter 4 with his brother who lives 6 hours away.

Cynthia1207

My FI isn't all into the planning either but he will ask questions and do certain things.  Recently he got some addresses for me so that was nice and he's asked about the favors which I was really surprised about.  Besides that, nothing.  He's letting me do what it is that I want just because he knows that I know what I'm doing.  I don't expect him to start researching vendors, calling them and booking appointments.  I do expect him to ask questions and grill the vendors when we meet them.  It all depends on personality.  I LOVE planning events, it doesn't stress me at all.  FI is different and that needs to be respected.

wiwicaty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_frustrated-lack-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:be8ff4c3-230f-4e65-a62f-37f17b1f74efPost:b42bf3b3-0ce8-445a-a906-1dfee7d241fd">Re: Frustrated with lack of wedding help....</a>:
[QUOTE]It's sad but true what they say:  no one will ever be as excited for your wedding as you are.  Unfortunately your FI is included in that (most of the time.) <div>
</div><div>I think the "no one" in this phrase refers to people <em>outside</em> of the couple, not inside.</div><div>
</div>

jmkes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_frustrated-lack-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:be8ff4c3-230f-4e65-a62f-37f17b1f74efPost:28d16d5b-1d08-4209-bdcf-783f767fd0b4">Re: Frustrated with lack of wedding help....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Frustrated with lack of wedding help.... : [QUOTE]It's sad but true what they say:  no one will ever be as excited for your wedding as you are.  Unfortunately your FI is included in that (most of the time.) <strong> I think the "no one" in this phrase refers to people outside of the couple, not inside.</strong>
Posted by wiwicaty[/QUOTE]

I'm not referring to the marriage, but the tiny wedding details.  Most men don't care if this shade of green matches with this centerpiece, how does this arrangement of flowers look compared to this other one,  how should the candles be arranged, etc. 

kaitlyn142

My FI is not even remotely interested in helping plan, despite me flat out saying "I need you to care about this." *sigh* Everytime I try to ask him what part of the planning he wants responsibility for, he just points out that everything is subject to my final approval, so it's easier to just let me do it. Gah!

The fact that he is right about how if I don't like they way he does something, I'd have him redo it to how I liked it... well, that doesn't help me.

wiwicaty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_frustrated-lack-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:be8ff4c3-230f-4e65-a62f-37f17b1f74efPost:9f5d3f7c-d009-4ef8-bc8e-3bbba9fd540d">Re: Frustrated with lack of wedding help....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Frustrated with lack of wedding help.... : I'm not referring to the marriage, but the tiny wedding details.  Most men don't care if this shade of green matches with this centerpiece, how does this arrangement of flowers look compared to this other one,  how should the candles be arranged, etc. 
Posted by jmkes[/QUOTE]

<div>I know, I wasn't referring to the marriage either, this whole post is about the planning.</div>