Feeling a bit frustrated/isolated

Bibliotreka

I love my FI more than anything, but he really isn't into the wedding planning. He would in fact be happier with a courthouse wedding- not because we can't afford a 'regular wedding" but because it would be cheaper. He makes 85K, I make 20K- money isn't a problem, but I am feeling guilty for wanting to have a wedding with all my friends and family when he is so meh about planning.

Also, I live in arizona, and moved from far east mesa to northern phoenix because it was too hard living an hour away from each other, but doing so also means I am now an hour away from all my friends and family. I quite literally have nobody I can talk to or hang with out here, and I have been feeling quite isolated and depressed lately. Since I've moved in, FI has been working late on a project almost every week- and by late, I mean working from 9 am to 8/9/10 pm or later, in addition to working some weekends. And today, we were talking about house hunting, and he mentioned he wants to move to anthem, closer to his job, which would put us a good 20 minutes farther away from my friends and family.

 He treats me like a queen and is very affectionate and loving, he just hasn't been around much and I'm having a hard time adjusting to a 3 person household from a 5 person household where there was always somebody to talk to.

Thank you for reading, any thoughts or advice is welcome. Just needed to vent a little.

krose83013

I think you need to sit him down and explain to him how you feel. Guys aren't mind readers, so if you don't open up the communication lines then you are going to continue to feelt his way, and possibly resent him down the road.

It's hard to change your living situation and moving away from your friends. But maybe if you future hubby is crazy busy and working late you can set up a date night with one of your friends. Maybe meet half way? I commute 93 miles so to me driving 45 minutes to meet up with a friend is perfectly okay, esp if you need the time with the girls. Also, you can always skype with them if driving is an issue.

As far as the house hunting goes, I suggest again having open communication. Ultimately you need to both be comfortable with the decisions you make. That is regarding the wedding, place to live, etc.

krose83013

I think you need to sit him down and explain to him how you feel. Guys aren't mind readers, so if you don't open up the communication lines then you are going to continue to feelt his way, and possibly resent him down the road.

It's hard to change your living situation and moving away from your friends. But maybe if you future hubby is crazy busy and working late you can set up a date night with one of your friends. Maybe meet half way? I commute 93 miles so to me driving 45 minutes to meet up with a friend is perfectly okay, esp if you need the time with the girls. Also, you can always skype with them if driving is an issue.

As far as the house hunting goes, I suggest again having open communication. Ultimately you need to both be comfortable with the decisions you make. That is regarding the wedding, place to live, etc.

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_feeling-a-bit-frustratedisolated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:bf8a0f51-4524-40fc-bd9f-6aa3453f8fc4Post:006a9302-1878-42c6-9c5a-ff7546312da7">Feeling a bit frustrated/isolated</a>:
[QUOTE]I love my FI more than anything, but he really isn't into the wedding planning. He would in fact be happier with a courthouse wedding- not because we can't afford a 'regular wedding" but because it would be cheaper. He makes 85K, I make 20K- money isn't a problem, but I am feeling guilty for wanting to have a wedding with all my friends and family when he is so meh about planning. Also, I live in arizona, and<strong> moved from far east mesa to northern phoenix because it was too hard living an hour away</strong> from each other, but doing so also means I am now an hour away from all my friends and family.<strong> I quite literally have nobody I can talk to or hang with out here, and I have been feeling quite isolated and depressed lately</strong>. Since I've moved in, FI has been working late on a project almost every week- and by late, I mean working from 9 am to 8/9/10 pm or later, in addition to working some weekends. And today, we were talking about house hunting, and he mentioned he wants to move to anthem, closer to his job, which would put us a good 20 minutes farther away from my friends and family.  He treats me like a queen and is very affectionate and loving, he just hasn't been around much and I'm having a hard time adjusting to a 3 person household from a 5 person household where there was always somebody to talk to. Thank you for reading, any thoughts or advice is welcome. Just needed to vent a little.
Posted by Bibliotreka[/QUOTE]

Ditto the PPs.  I would only add that there is not a reason in the world that you cannot still hang out with your friends.  An hour away is nothing - that is my daily commute to work. 

ZeroOrchestra

An hour away is nothing. I can understand being bummed that he isn't around much right now, but realize that this is just one phase in your life together and won't always be this way. When H and I got together our schedules were wide open. It has changed several times through the past three years. Currently, H works 2 jobs and is never home on weeknights. The brunt of my hours are on the weekend while he is home, so it seems like we are always missing each other. While it kind of sucks right now, we've talked about it and both realize that it's going to be this way until he finishes his certification and we can look into one full time job for him. I would suggest you sit down with FI and discuss your vision for the future. Is he always going to work this much? If not, at what point will H's be able to cut back hours, etc. In the meantime, find a local hobby, join a gym or a book club. Find a favorite cafe or restaurant and treat yourself out to dinner or a movie once a week if you can.

smilesavy

I completely understand how you feel.  I moved 1300 miles to be with my FI.  I moved away from everything I ever knew and my closest family member is 6 hours away.  Your post doesn't say how long you have been in your new location but you need to get out and make friends.  It took me a good year to year and a half before I settled in with my own friends.  And as for moving closer to his job, I am sorry to say this but he makes 4times the amount of you...an extra 20 minutes isn't going to kill you. And also he makes that much money because he works really hard.  He works really hard to provide and please don't give him a hard time about that.  I did this to my then boyfriend, now FI, and he was like I have to work this hard to get us where we want to be in life.  If i don't, then I miss chances for promotions and more money, which will jepordize our future.

 I would LOVE to be an hour away from my dearest and oldest friends, but if you stop yourself from making new friends you will be miserable where ever you go. I was so worried when I moved that if i made new friends those would replace my old friends.  But that isn't the case at all.  I have my family and friends in PA and my family and friends in MN.  Our friends became our family.  But my biggest piece of advice is get out and make friends. 

KT020803

OP, I think there are more brides in your situation then anyone wants to admit. I don't really feel isolated (only because my job is very demanding, and we have been so busy latey). But I can get frustrated with my Fiance'. We have been together for 9.5 years. I adore him, and he takes very good care of me and refers to me as his wife. But he has made it very clear that the wedding is really for me..... yet when I had wanted to give up wedding planning and just elope and go to the courthouse, he wanted the traditional wedding day.... sigh 

How soon are you thinking about getting married? If it is at least a year away you def. have some time for you two to communicate things out and really get your priorities for the wedding in order. For example. my guy HATES shopping, more than anything. So since the registry was only important to me, I did it with my mom. I want to do do-it-yourself projects and craft everything, so that is something I tackled on my own. etc. There has been times where he makes comments that I don't ask for his opinion and then I have to remind him when i did ask it was "shrug, whatever you want". He just wants to party at the reception and I have been frustrated with everything else falling onto me. But if he had his way we would skip alot of the details. I'm sorry for the rambling but I guess I'm trying to say you need to communicate to find a middle ground.

balletdawn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_feeling-a-bit-frustratedisolated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:bf8a0f51-4524-40fc-bd9f-6aa3453f8fc4Post:71c34c75-2af7-473a-b30d-030d60e2352b">Re:Feeling a bit frustrated/isolated</a>:
[QUOTE]As far as the move is concerned, sit down with him and explain his you're feeling. Buying a house is a much bigger deal than renting and you guys need to decide together where it's going to be. You'll want to consider things like crime rates, school systems if you plan to have kids, and whether the extra 20 minutes from your family and friends really makes a difference or not. Also, you need to figure out if you really want a wedding if he isn't into it. If so, that's fine so long as he is willing, but you aren't likely to magically change his feelings and make him all super excited and squealy about planning if he isn't interested. On the other hand, I can't see your wedding date from the mobile site, but if you're pretty far out, he may get more involved on his own as it gets closer. <strong>Mostly, I think you guys need to get on the same page about how much to spend on a wedding</strong>, since it sounds like this is his main concern. Finally, as far as the loneliness goes,<strong> I'd recommend picking up a hobby, and preferably one that involves joining a group. Moving to a new place is hard, but you have to get out and meet people. You cannot expect your FI to be your whole social life, that's not healthy for either of you</strong>. Good luck! And remember, <strong>you can always gush about wedding details here on TK. We love talking weddings.</strong>
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
yes, yes, YES. I felt very alone in planning, and like we didn't see eye to eye on anything. Once we sat down and talked about it, we both made compromises and ended up with a wedding that was very "us." But this website saved him from being driven crazy, hearing about all the details he didn't give a crap about.

My H works in production-live sound, conferences, weddings. So, he works 80-100 hours/ week in the summer. One of the other production co. wives sits at home and mopes about it - she has no friends and never takes me up on offers to go out. She just wants to stay home and complain. I garden, go to happy hour with the girls, go to shows, hike, kayak...yes, I would love to see his face when he's not sleeping, but I entertain myself just like I did before I met him. I agree, find ways to amuse yourself - it will help you feel less sad and you could even meet new people that way. You will be happier and consequently, so will your FI.

jemmini6

I'm in the valley too, so I know the distance you are talking about.  A lot of my friends and family are spaced throughout the valley and it does make it more difficult to meet up, but not impossible.  Could you meet people halfway, like in Tempe?    As for meeting new people, have you tried joining meetup.com?  I know there are groups for all kinds of activities for all areas of the valley, so that might help to find people a little closer when you can't meet with your other friends.

For the wedding and the house, that's something you really need to talk to your FI about and get on the same page.  

2012FutureMrsB

Yeah, I understand an hour can be rough if you're not used to it, but at least you can still get together on weekends. I moved all the way across the country to NM to be close to DH before getting engaged and married. All my friends were back east in FL and all my family lived in TX and AZ, at least 4 hours away.

My mom came once and helped me pick out my dress. Other than that, I was completely on my own for wedding planning. I actually didn't mind too much b/c I could avoid listening to everyone's opinion, lol, but it was hard at times too. I called my BM's occasionally to tell them my ideas, but mostly just about things that affected them.

But the bigger issue is your FI and the wedding. Sounds like you two need to really discuss your vision for the wedding - what you BOTH want - and go from there. He might not help you much, but that's common and you can still plan the wedding you both agree on.

(edited for grammar)

Bibliotreka

Ahh, Seems like my edit didn't go through. To recap:

We are a one car household- when he works these crazy hours, I'm pretty much stuck at home all day unless I brave the 110+ degree heat, an issue as I get sunburned in ab. 20-30 minutes with sunblock & am very suseptible to heatstroke.

I work at a school, which means I don't work in the summer. Which means I sit at home.

We did sit down when we first got engaged and hashed out major details, like theme and colors, but I can't get him to give me an opinion on which he likes better, option A or option B.

Bibliotreka

Part of the problem is that we are a 1 car household- when he's at work, I can't even run errands.

amandamarielynn

I know the feeling well. I live in the Northwest Phoenix area and most of my friends, in the last couple years, have left Arizona entirely. And it's hard to walk around here when it's crazy hot. There's a trick to putting on sunscreen though... One thick slathering two hours before you go out and another one 30 minutes before. Layer it. And bring it with you to apply every hour. And definitely only get the waterproof ones so it doesn't come off with sweat. But other than that, Phoenix really sucks as far as "things to do". Especially if you don't have the capability to drive somewhere interesting at the moment.

Also, if he doesn't give you an answer between options, then pick what YOU like. My fiance does the same thing to me and I find that when I really like something he has no opinion on and get excited over it, he usually does too.