Just got engaed... and well..........

lela1208

we have been together for about almost 3 years now. i just recently lost my job as an office assistant and bills have been piling up on us! im so bummed because he pays all the bills. sometimes he says it doesnt bother him, and sometimes it lets me know it does! im just so sad by all of this. ive been searching and job searching nothing yet. Now we are constantly arguing over money. im not the money hungry type of person. he works hard for his money and mine is mine. Today he has been giving me the silent treatment. it really saddens me. i dont want to tell my friends on whats going on, and i know you all would have great advice! what do i do? i cant sleep!

monkeysip

If he wants to marry you, then he needs to recognize that when you're married, his money is your money and your money is his money.

Of course, this goes both ways.  You can't just waste money, and you both have to agree on your money values (how to spend money, how to start saving, should you both work, etc.).  But if you really are trying your absolute best to find work, then he should be willing to help if he can.

Either way, you both just need to have a really open and honest conversation about the money issue.  Money can tear a couple apart, but it doesn't have to!  FI and I are struggling a lot financially too, but that's why we're having a long engagement, trying to work on being more frugal, and are really sharing with each other's money.  You have to work as a team.

lela1208

Thank you for your great advice it braught tears to my eyes. well its just so hard to understand him, there are days where he says ill take care of the bills dont worry, but inside i do worry. i dont show it. but you know alot of us woman worry! it gets to the point where i barrow so i dont bother to ask him for money! we have had this talk many times. but once we argue its like it goes out the door!

Simply Fated

Money and finances is such a common cause of divorce and just fights, in general. Please please please try to discuss how you two will handle the tough times before you get married. I really strongly suggest premarital counseling, whether it be through the church or elsewhere.

RyansBelovedBride

I was just unemployed for a very long time, so I sympathize.  I second (or third or fouth) what the smart ladies of the previous posts said and recommend premarital counseling. It'll help air out your differences without it being you confronting him. It takes a lot of married people a long time to combine their finances smoothly, and you have to find out what works for you.

MyNameIsNot

You both need to sit down and have an honest conversation about money.  He's saying one thing but doing another, while you're hiding borrowing from him.  You're both being dishonest, and it's going to set you up for failure in the long run if you don't resolve these issues now.  

Also, one of the things you said really bothers me.  He's giving you the silent treatment?  That's a really immature way to deal with conflict.  I wouldn't marry a man that still behaves like that.  It sounds like he's got some growing up to do if he thinks that's acceptable behavior.  

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_just-got-engaed-well?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:bfc63620-4d7c-490f-9797-68fe7efe9ecfPost:e34b3ad8-1f2a-4606-a69e-ebeb1b6a95b6">Re: Just got engaed... and well..........</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you for your great advice it braught tears to my eyes. well its just so hard to understand him, there are days where he says ill take care of the bills dont worry, but inside i do worry. i dont show it. but you know alot of us woman worry! it gets to the point where i <strong>barrow so i dont bother to ask him for money</strong>! we have had this talk many times. but once we argue its like it goes out the door!
Posted by lela1208[/QUOTE]

Wait so are you taking money from his accounts without telling him?

If you do, you need to stop now. First it is dishonest and second he could bounce a check as he thought he had money & you secretly took it.

How long have you been without a job? If it has been awhile maybe you should start looking for part-time minimum wage jobs (like fast food places). At least you would be making something.

Counseling sounds like something you two need.

Wiscisbliss

Everyone else gave good advice about being open, honest and talking this through.

I'm wondering if you've tried to pick up some seasonal work to help ease the load while you look for a permanent position.  I'm not sure how easy/hard that is to do these days... but maybe a local mall store could use extra help through the holidays and maybe that will turn into a job while you continue to look for another office position. 

ArynBaker

I lost my job about a week after getting engaged so I understand how you feel. FI and I had fights but a lot of it stemmed from stress, not anger from him paying most of the bills. RedHead makes a good point. I had to suck it up, put my pride aside and take a minimum wage job. Not gonna lie, it sucked at first, BUT the feeling of finally being able to help with the bills was great! 

I'm not sure if you have one in your area but I got a job at HoneyBaked Ham. They usually hire a lot of people for the Christmas rush and if some of the new hires prove to be hard workers they'll keep them on and fire some of the slackers. My younger brother got a seasonal job at Spencer's and they apparently do the same thing. A seasonal job can turn into something a little more steady while you look for something permanent, like Wisci said. 

lela1208

@ Redhead, No i do not take money from his account. like i wrote im not money hungry , his money is his, and my money is mine.

yes. thats why i posted about the silent treatment, because it is the worst argument a couple can have! the silent treatment is awful.

believe me ladies i have applied at anything you can think of. its really that bad, fast food, malls, markets, migrant work, babysitting, avon, mary kay, marketing, sales, no one calls me back. human resources needs a call from me as well.

My fiance makes 3x more than what i was making, he is a police officer, but since the day we met i told him that i don not like when people argue over monet and etc. because my mom and dad always argued over money so i never wanted to carry that habit on!
we did talk today about it all. he is trading me bills, his were way cheaper and mine were more pricy i also had purchased a new car before i got laid off. we will be trading bills until i get a JOB!!

thanks again ladies for your understandings!