Can't afford to live together

bridalmarch

I may have missed it, but what kind of work does he do/is he looking for? Does he have a college or graduate degree? 

Almost all of my college girlfriends are teachers, and while we have never talked absolute specifics, I can tell you that except for one,  their salary would not support two people without some serious, SERIOUS cutbacks. Teachers are woefully underpaid, as I'm sure you know. 

I'm not sure if I classify as a regular here yet or not, but most people know FI and I have a young daughter and I only work part time retail hours so I can be home with her. I quit a pretty well respected job at a world renowned hospital to make that happen, and it meant some very significant cuts in our household. FI and I talked about this change for months before it happened. I quit my "real" job in August and we are just now getting to a place where our savings are built up enough that we feel comfortable going out to dinner, shopping for non-necessities, and having some "fun" money - and that's with paying for a wedding and all the things that go along with a growing toddler.

My point is that a one income family CAN happen, but it probably won't right away, especially with his mindset. Honestly, if we were just starting out, I would take his statement that you would be the breadwinner as a large red flag. He has no reason not to work. He can get a PT job at a restaurant or store until he finds what he wants. He needs to contribute to your household, and you two need to be 110% on the same page. 

zantster

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-afford-to-live-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:c61979d0-8a69-40ae-9980-a8534218c702Post:d1f74061-3067-44c5-b089-2db9c78ee5ae">Re:Can't afford to live together</a>:
[QUOTE] I know that he loves me, but I also know that I need to reel him in a lot when it comes to his spending. I also need to make him aware that just because we're getting married in July does not mean I'll magically have a full time job by then, and he has put an unfair amount of pressure on me. He used to say that once I got my teaching job, I'd be the "breadwinner" and my salary would cover most of our expenses. He has lived on his own before, but I think he has an unrealistic perspective on how much things cost and how good his job actually is.
Posted by katiej1218[/QUOTE]
Caution: Huge red flags

No offense intended, but truly the way you write about him appears to be in almost a mothering sense with the words "reel him in" and "make him aware".  This might be happening because he is still in the same environment he was in as a child and we women are nurturing but:

1) You cannot "reel" in an adult human being.  He has to make decisions for himself and he has.  You have no control whatsoever despite whatever sweet words from him may make you think differently.  His actions are showing how little influence you actually have.

2) You cannot "make" him aware of anything that he decides to ignore or dismiss. 

I say this from previous experience, all you can do is decide what you want, whether or not you are getting it with him and if not are you prepared to continue beating a dead horse.  If so, then that is your decision just as he makes the decision to keep spending. 
If not, you cannot be afraid to walk away.  Either way, a wedding does not seem to be the next step.

katiej1218

He has a full time job as a quality control supervisor at a medical supply company. He does work overtime when asked, as well. I know he feels like he doesn't make a lot of money, but I think he makes enough. He didn't go to college, he went to the NY film academy for directing. He took out a 60000 student loan to afford it. This was before I knew him. I wish he had a degree for a more practical job. But he does work very hard at the job he does have thus the promotion. But I do think it might be difficult for him to find another job because of his lack of real degree.

zantster

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-afford-to-live-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:c61979d0-8a69-40ae-9980-a8534218c702Post:80fe6aff-ce53-4b1e-a3f4-9315666101f9">Re:Can't afford to live together</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Can't afford to live together : Think really hard about this.  Do you want to have to watch every dime he spends for the rest of your life?  Do you really want to always be the main bread winner, even if that means doing so on a teaching salary?  Do you want to take care of a grown man for the rest of your life or would you prefer to marry a grown man that can take care of himself?
Posted by LingerLonger1[/QUOTE]
To piggyback on this, can you see yourself having children with him with the full confidence that most of the responsibility won't fall on you and that you won't still be trying to get him to man up?

zantster

And I forgot to add that 60000 student loan becomes your debt too as soon as you get married. As you know, it's nigh impossible to have student loans dissolved in bankruptcy. So, he should be happy that that doesn't make you run for the hills since his debt will be a part of your married life for years to come instead of making you feel like it's you that needs to bring home the bacon.

OwningAHome1981

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-afford-to-live-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:c61979d0-8a69-40ae-9980-a8534218c702Post:0d7f90d7-208a-4aa4-8964-e725a337688f">Re: Can't afford to live together</a>:
[QUOTE]I always wear either a skirt or pant suit and heels. I don't have any tattoos or piercings, and I never wear make up. My Facebook does not have my last name on it, but regardless, I do not have anything incriminating on there, because I'm a boring person (I don't party and rarely drink). My job search is only in my home state, because at the present time, I'm only certified in NJ. I understand that you're trying to help, but let me assure you, I am busting my ass off to get a job. I have applied to every posting within a 45 minute radius. I started teaching these SAT classes to add something to my resume. I did a long term sub position in a terrible school district back in September. My lack of teaching job is not from lack of trying or lack of professionalism. I don't know why I don't have a job yet, but I have taken all the proper steps to try to get one. 
Posted by katiej1218[/QUOTE]

hate to say this and don't mean to be rude, but maybe you need to look into a different profession. Teaching is tough nowadays. I have friends that have been looking for years. If they were more open to doing other things, they'd have a job already.

I'm just saying... sometimes life doesn't always work out how you hoped it to or wanted it to.

I wish you a lot of luck but the reality is that teaching jobs in the NY/NJ area are scarce.

katiej1218

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-afford-to-live-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:c61979d0-8a69-40ae-9980-a8534218c702Post:2a3bb53d-e5c2-49c1-881c-64abd64b61a3">Re: Can't afford to live together</a>:
[QUOTE]Your follow-ups makes me wondering if you even have a plan.  Your FI lives in another states an hour away.  You are looking for full-time jobs within a 45 miles radius.   What if you did get a full time job 45 miles in the opposite direction of your FI's job?  Where would you live?  Would he be willing to drive a far distance to his job?      I'm not sure if you mentioned what state you FI lives in, but have you thought about getting certified in that state to open up your options? Teacher or not, it's not easy to find a job right now.   It took me months to get a job last year.  I was depressed and getting furstrated, which just added to the depression.   My DH was let go last year.  He is a chef.   LA unemployement is a joke.  So he decided that he would try and work flipping burgers or at pizza place for a little while.  He has fond memories of working at those type places and wanted to get back to his roots. Not one place wanted to hire him because he had too much expereince.    I had to laugh because there are a-holes going off that people on unemployement should just go and flip burgers to make a living.  Here my DH is experienced at that and the companies didn't want him. Ugh, sorry for the tangent.   Point is it's tough out there.  Experienced people are having a tough time.  I can't imagine how hard it is for less expereinced people.  Look outside the box.  Find out ways to interview better. Get certified in FI's state to open up some options.  I have some  teacher friends who work in daycares.  Ideal?  Not really, but it's something.    Keep your head up, something will come around.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

Sorry, I missed this post earlier. My fiance lives in Pennsylvania. I have taken steps to get my PA certification (I took the required Praxis tests) but haven't filled out all the paperwork yet. I was hesitant because I heard the job situation is even worse over there, but this is something I am considering doing soon. Honestly, our plan was that I would get a teaching job, we would move to wherever the school was, and he would try to look for a new job because he isn't a fan of his current job. Was this a good plan? Probably not. I'm thinking now that we should get an apartment near the border of NJ/PA so he can keep his job and I can keep my current job and cater my job search to school districts within 45 minutes of the apartment. I'm doing what I have to do for the time being. I'm not ready (as a recent poster suggested) to give up on teaching. I've only been out of school for 7 months and I put a lot of time and effort into this career. If I have to do these SAT classes, tutor, substitute, and work some other part time job in the meantime, then that's what I'll do...eventually my resume will be built up enough to merit a job offer.

I apologize if I'm being a bit sensitive about my job situation. I know that you all do not know me and therefore can't cater your advice to me personally, but this is something that is really causing me a lot of frustration and I do feel that I'm doing a lot to try to get a job. I went to a competitive college that is known for its teaching program and graduated with a 3.56 GPA. I couldn't afford to live there, so I drove and hour and twenty minutes each way 3-4 times a week to attend my classes, plus I worked two part-time jobs on top of that. I'm a hard worker and I'm very determined. There are a few things that I know I need to consider doing as far as my job search goes...like the PA certification, substituting, etc. I'm definitely looking into it. Money issues aside, this is something that I need to do for my own sense of worth.

I'll report back after I talk to my fiance. A lot of you have brought up concerns that I also had, and brought up some new things for me to think about as well. I love him and I don't think I'll be calling off the wedding or postponing it, but there are some serious issues that we need to discuss before we can walk down the aisle. 

katiej1218

We're getting married on July 13. The venue is booked, we have an officiant, dj, photographer, flowers, and my bridesmaids and I have bought our dresses. Our parents are splitting the cost of the reception; we're paying for the other expenses. 

ETA: We're having a relatively cheap wedding. $55 per person, the photographer is my friend who majors in photography at an arts school, the dj is a friend of his parents who's willing to give us a great deal...

zantster

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-afford-to-live-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:c61979d0-8a69-40ae-9980-a8534218c702Post:0f258ca4-42a8-41b4-8b7d-63ce576d6db3">Re: Can't afford to live together</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Can't afford to live together : That is completely and totally 100% FALSE.  Student loans do NOT transfer to a spouse even after death, unless the spouse is a cosigner or the couple has consolidated both of their student loans into one account.  Please don't run around the boards spouting false facts of a legal nature like this.  I know you're trying to help but you can seriously scare a poster into breaking off a relationship.  Not that I think it would be particularly bad in THIS case, but in general it could cause serious issues for someone.  
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I was half wrong and half right.  Student loans are truly almost impossible to be discharged in bankruptcy.  On that I was correct.  But I don't mind admitting when I've erred.  It was my understanding from what I had been told that all debts of one spouse are shared once they get married.  And I was always counseled to take that into account.  But once I was alerted by you Stage and did some more digging it appears that that only would happen if the spouse was a cosigner. 

So, yes, as you say under most circumstances the student loan should not be a shared debt unless OP cosigned on it in the future.  However, unless the law is changed in the future to allow more leniency bankruptcy claims, student loans are one of the only class of loans that are not only nearly impossible to get rid of but also allow a person's check to be garnished including their social security when they retire so in other words it can follow you until death.  That is completely true.  I would never intentionally mislead a poster so I hope that was not taken wrongly.  Charge it to my head and not my heart.  I totally respect the difficult position the OP is in and it cannot be easy since they've been together for years and been through a lot together.  Whatever OP decides I know she will do what's best for her and I'm rooting for her.  Thanks for highlighting that error.