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Chit Chat
ElinoreTurnipseed
member
Unsupportive Friend
in Chit Chat
I just recently got engaged, and one of my girlfriends has been making some tactless comments to my face ever since we broke the news. Just little jabs at me beginning to plan for a wedding that's over a year away is ridiculous, or scoffing at my ideas. I've just been ignoring all of it, because it's pretty typical of her to try and drag down other people when they're happy and she's not.
Last night I found out from some mutual friends that she's been trashing our engagement behind our backs, saying that it's "unbelievably stupid" and "a joke." I know that she's just acting out because she's jealous and is upset that right now I'm getting a lot of attention, but it's still very hurtful (and yes, I know the comments she made weren't misconstrued by anyone, we're all very good friends and we have lots of experience dealing with her drama).
Do I confront her about the things she's said, or just ignore them? I typically take the high road and don't say anything, but this engagement and my marriage are very important to me, so I was wondering if this time I should finally say something. I plan to avoid discussing the wedding in front of her at all costs. It's just very sad for me because I consider her a close friend.
Thoughts?
And please, don't keep telling me that I'm "too sensitive," every single one of our close friends thinks I should read her the riot act, but that's just not how I am.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Unsupportive Friend
Look, I wouldn't run around believing everything other people tell you, unless you know this to be pretty normal behavior for her (but in that case, you should have probably expected this). I would reach out to her (in a not wedding related way) and try to reconnect and see what's going on in her life. Maybe things are crappy for her right now and she could use a friend.
If you keep hearing that she's making comments, or she says something to your face, I would let her know that it hurts your feelings and ask what the deal is.
Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
Because, how do you know she is jealous? Maybe she has real concerns as a friend? Or maybe your other friends are making things up & she is really happy for you. Or many she was joking. Maybe she has something going on in her life you don't know about. Until to you talk, you don't know anything.
Planning Bio
Married 9/15/11
*This is Not Legal Advice*
[QUOTE]<strong>Wow, no exclamation point. The nerve.</strong> [/QUOTE]
Bwahaha
People don't really mean what they say unless they include an exclamation point. (sarcasm)
[QUOTE]Wow, no exclamation point. The nerve.
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]
<div>This. You are way too sensitive. </div><div>
</div><div>Oh, wait. You are way too sensitive!</div>
[QUOTE]I would talk to her. Don't confront her, just go out to lunch one-on-one and talk like normal friends. Ask her how she is. And later on in the conversation, if it doesn't come up, tell her you want to make sure she is ok with you getting engaged. That she will still be an important friend in your life, even after you get married. That you just want to check in and make sure everything is ok between you. Because, how do you know she is jealous? Maybe she has real concerns as a friend? Or maybe your other friends are making things up & she is really happy for you. Or many she was joking. Maybe she has something going on in her life you don't know about. Until to you talk, you don't know anything.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]
This is good
[QUOTE]It's a bit of both. She'll say tactless things about the wedding to my face (I feel like that comes with the territory of being engaged, everyone puts in their two cents and sometimes it's not very polite), but evidently she trashed our engagement behind our backs as well. I expect selfish and attention seeking behavior from her about certain things, <strong>but I guess I was just hoping that she could just be sincerely happy for me abou justt this one thing for a change</strong>. I haven't told her to "shove it" because I hate confrontation, and I don't know how to go about addressing it in the most drama-free way possible. And you're right, if she's jealous, I don't really care. I just wish she would keep the jealousy to herself.
Posted by ElinoreTurnipseed[/QUOTE]
I don't know how to put this but very bluntly: stop expecting this out of ANYONE. Not the being happy for you part, but the acting differently from the norm. People are who they are, and if they normally act one way, they're not going to suddenly start singing a new song just because (insert whatever reason here). It sucks, and yes, it would be nice, but it just doesn't happen.
I can understand feeling uncomfortable saying something to her about it. I think how you proceed depends largely on this: Do you really WANT to be friends with someone so negative who clearly feels negatively about something you're incredibly happy about and is pretty important in your life (and it sounds like this is the norm, so in general)? I mean, it sucks to cut a friend out, especially if you have a lot of mutual friends, which it sounds like you do, but dude. Sometimes you have to purge the negative out of your life.
If you do want to remain friends, I'd work on the friendship in general. Talk, hang out, don't mention the wedding at all. If she does, change the subject and tell her you want to talk abotu what's going on in her life. See what's going on with her. You said she acts that way to get attention--has she been feeling neglected lately because of talk about your engagement and not feeling able to talk about stuff going on with her, maybe? Do you know about the things going on in her life? I think, if you want to remain friends, you need to take a hard look at what you might have done to contribute to the problem. And if you honestly can't find something you might have done, and you're doing everything right, then I think you should return to my above question of if you really want to remain friends with someone who can't reciprocate the friendship.
Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
So ... why on earth are you still "close friends" with somebody that's like this? Insanity is doing the same thing a thousand times and expecting different results-your friend is just being who she is. You getting engaged isn't a reason for her (Or anybody else in your life) to suddenly change their normal behavior.
[QUOTE]It's a bit of both. She'll say tactless things about the wedding to my face (I feel like that comes with the territory of being engaged, everyone puts in their two cents and sometimes it's not very polite), but evidently she trashed our engagement behind our backs as well. <strong> I expect selfish and attention seeking behavior from her about certain things, but I guess I was just hoping that she could just be sincerely happy for me abou justt this one thing for a change.</strong> I haven't told her to "shove it" because I hate confrontation, and I don't know how to go about addressing it in the most drama-free way possible. And you're right, if she's jealous, I don't really care. I just wish she would keep the jealousy to herself.
Posted by ElinoreTurnipseed[/QUOTE]
Ask her to be your MOH. She'll definitely change her entire personality then!!!
If you care about her, and her happiness, and want to keep her as a friend, try to find out what may be wrong. She could have severe depression that you're unaware of. If she's suffering, its hard enough, but then to see people so happy and going on and on about their weddings, it can make things even harder.
Of course this is all speculation, she could just be a royal biitch. But you have to take the initiative to find out.
You also need to make a decision. Either you care about her, and want to make things right between you two, or her attitude is too much to handle, and you need to cut out the negativity. Either way, the current relationship obviously isn't working.