People Inviting Themselves

flapper2011

My wedding is less than a year away (11-11-11), and so far planning has been going as well as it can at this point. My fiance and I are planning a small, fairly intimate wedding, with a very limited guest list-  mainly because we are paying for everything ourselves, and we are on a budget.
However, I have been having a problem with people- mainly friends who we hardly ever see- inviting themselves. One girl (whom I've met a total of 4 times; 3 of those times she was wasted and causing all kinds of drama) who my FI has known for years, wrote me on Facebook the other day wanting to know what day our wedding is going to be, so she can set that date aside for it. But... she's not invited!  Not just merely because of budget, but because I do not think she can behave herself, especially since we do plan on having alcohol at the reception. I do not want to deal with this person's drama on my wedding day. When I brought it up with my FI, he said "we'll see- if we can afford it, great, but if not, I won't be butthurt." I feel like pulling my hair out. If we CAN afford to invite an extra person, I would not choose her. There are relatives I would invite over her.
This girl is not the only person who has invited herself- I have had other friends automatically assume that they are invited. It's like we can't even mention we're getting married without people assuming they will be getting an invitation to the wedding. Is anyone else having this issue, as well? If so, how do you handle it? My co-workers have suggested telling these people that it is a "small, family affiar," but I know that excuse won't go over well with some of these friends- especially the drama queen I mentioned. What is a tactful, but blunt way to let people know that they shouldn't assume they will be getting an invitation?

vixey

Unfortunately, with our budget we aren't able to invite everyone we'd like to.

Be careful with telling people it's a "small family affair" because if this drama girl (or other fringe friends) run around with the same people you have invited, it will become obvious that it isn't just a family affair.

Also, not saying that you are, but don't post anything about your wedding on FB, it just invites questions.

LizHZ

I'm with your co-workers. We're having a small, family only wedding so that's pretty much what I tell people when they invite themselves. Delaying only makes it worse, and it's not an excuse if it's the truth. 

If it's not the truth- not a family-only wedding- don't say it is but still say that you're having a small event and leave it at that then ask about their holiday plans or something...

flapper2011

Thank you, both of you.
I try not to discuss my wedding too much on FB, because there are a lot of relatives/friends on there who, unfortunately, won't be getting invited, due to our limited budget.
I'm just concerned that however nicely I word it, telling this girl that she's not invited will cause more drama, and as she's my FI's friend, I don't even know if it's my place to tell her she won't be getting an invitation. We haven't finalized a guest list yet, but out of the rough drafts we have come up with, her name has never been on it.

HobokensFury

No Invitation = No Invite.  Yes people's feelings will get hurt but just explain that you're having a small wedding and couldn't invite everyone you "wanted" to.

waltzingmatilda13

Something about weddings brings out the worst in people. Everyone always assumes they are invited for whatever crazy reason they think up. It happens to virtually everyone.

The small wedding excuse probably isn't the best if it isn't true, but the limited budget excuse if a sure-fire way to let them down without lying. When people ask just tell them that you are on a limited budget and your guest list is limited to family and close friends. Tell people right away if they ask so they don't continue to think they might get an invitation. When they don't get one it will be obvious they weren't invited.

ElleestJenn

When I was a year out I would still tell people we are still putting together the guest list but its mostly going to consist of relatives and a few close friends. If they asked how many people we are inviting I tell them 150 but we both have somewhat pretty good size families so most of guest list will be our relatives. 

Kristin789

>>What is a tactful, but blunt way to let people know that they shouldn't assume they will be getting an invitation?

We only had 25 people at our wedding.  So I understand your issue, and this is what we said:

My response was "Oh, sorry.  My mom is hosting the wedding and she's kept the list very small.  You know."

FI's response was "Oh, sorry.  Kristin's mom is hosting the wedding and she's done with the guest list, which was really small."

And if the asker-person asked more or pushed more, this is what we said:

"Well, you certainly have some questions and you can call and ask my mom / Kristin's mom directly.  She's home during the day on Monday through Friday, and at night on Tuesday and Wednesday.  Do you need me to get you her number?"

Mkelley1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_people-inviting-themselves-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:cc7dd848-cdeb-4fc7-85ac-fdb8866b00d7Post:613c8045-ac36-4dc9-95f6-8826c868a290">Re: People Inviting Themselves</a>:
[QUOTE] />>What is a tactful, but blunt way to let people know that they shouldn't assume they will be getting an invitation? We only had 25 people at our wedding.  So I understand your issue, and this is what we said: My response was "Oh, sorry.  My mom is hosting the wedding and she's kept the list very small.  You know." FI's response was "Oh, sorry.  Kristin's mom is hosting the wedding and she's done with the guest list, which was really small." And if the asker-person asked more or pushed more, this is what we said: <strong>"Well, you certainly have some questions and you can call and ask my mom / Kristin's mom directly.  She's home during the day on Monday through Friday, and at night on Tuesday and Wednesday.  Do you need me to get you her number?"
</strong>Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

Haha, I like the end...i could definitely see that shutting some people up but in my case I could also see them calling that person and that would just be unnecessary drama. I've been telling people that our budget wont allow us to invite everyone we'd like to and so far they've been very understanding.

Jessieleigh316

I've had this issue too! One girl in particular thinks she is coming, but she definitely is not. Too loud, too obnoxious, and too outrageous. And i have known her since elementary school.

What I usually do is just don't acknowledge that they've invited themselves, as odds are they wont think twice about my wedding unless I am there to remind them about it. Like my loud girl.

Or throw out the family affair line. If people aren't your closest friends, then they probably know that already and won't be offended if they dont make your final list of 30 people, including family, especially if the next time you are discussing plans you casually mention that you are having to pay for everything yourselves and can't invite everyone you want to attend.

Callmebetty

Honestly, it sounds kind of passive aggressive,  I would probably just ignore her email, and then just not send her an invitation.  If you're FI is actually friends with her and wants to invite her, then of course, you should try to fit her in, but it sounds like both don't really want her there.  

I had a friend email me to ask me if I REALLY wanted her at my wedding (she lives out of state).  We're close, but we used to be closer, and one of my close friends really dislikes her.  I was planning on waiting to see how many family members were planning on coming before definitely inviting her, but it totally put me on the spot!  People are so weird.  

[Deleted User]

I have had the same problem. Last night at a families gathering I had a divorced Aunt (let me clarify....she was married to my Uncle a long time ago and still comes to family things.....dont ask...lol) ask if she was coming because if she is then she needs to start saving up the money. I stated to her "I would like you to be there but not sure of the guest list". Thank goodness she was drunk, but still could recall the question. Another situation is that my Mom is getting asked from a cousin of hers if they are coming. My Mom is then asking me about the guest list. I was blunt with her and told her that if the cousin is invited it would be a "Mom Party not a Tam and Roy party". I hated doing that but its the truth. I believe we need to let these people know upfront that we have a budget to follow, but would love for you to be there, or that it will be an intimate wedding. That is all you need to say. They are a little rude for asking in the first place or thinking that they are invited I believe. I need to get my butt in gear and just be upfront! I understand!!

Mary Susan and Chris

I have had the same problem, and we have told people that it is a small affair. Ours is not a budget issue, my parents are being wonderful and paying for everything. OUrs is a venue issue...ours only holds 160 max. My parrents took 75 invites for family anf their friends, FI took 75 invites for his family and I got 10. So as you can see it was not divided evenly, so when someone says they want to come I have to tell them there is not room. I have had a few say they want to come to the ceremony only, so I have said ok. Since to my FI and I that is the most important part of they day. The party is mostly for our parents and their friends. We each only have a few friends invited.

flapper2011

I chose not to respond, and am not going to mention it to her again. Hopefully she will forget, and if she DOES bring it up again, I will keep all your suggestions in mind.
Other people have also used that "I better  be invited!" line, and I usually just change the subject or skirt around the topic. There's also the issue with family members assuming other relatives are invited and talk about it as if they are right in front of them- like suggesting ways they can help decorate or contribute to the wedding. Unfortunately we can't afford to invite everyone. It is odd how people act weird or forget their manners as soon as they hear the word "wedding." There's nothing I dispise more than someone informing me that "They better be invited" to my wedding... In fact, every single person who has used that line thus far has not even been considered for the guest list.