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Chit Chat
Lolagirl2012
member
Friends of the opposite gender..
in Chit Chat
Long story short, I went to see a movie today with a guy I am friends with. FI is cool with it and he knows and likes my buddy., Randomly talking with 3 different people today (when they asked what I was up to today, I said, "Oh, just got back from seeing Dark Knight with Aaron) they were completely shocked and appalled that FI would "let me" go to a movie with a guy.
One went as far as to say that I am "emotionally cheating on FI" because I went with my friend to a movie. In the middle of the day. With a guy who has referred to me being "like a sister" and is in a relationship himself. Even if I saw a movie with a guy on a Friday/Saturday night, what the heck does that matter?!?!?!
Needless to say, I am completely baffled by this. I know it only matters what FI and I think, but apparently movie=getting it on. I did bump knees with him at one point and shared my peanut m&ms... I must be a hussy.
One went as far as to say that I am "emotionally cheating on FI" because I went with my friend to a movie. In the middle of the day. With a guy who has referred to me being "like a sister" and is in a relationship himself. Even if I saw a movie with a guy on a Friday/Saturday night, what the heck does that matter?!?!?!
Needless to say, I am completely baffled by this. I know it only matters what FI and I think, but apparently movie=getting it on. I did bump knees with him at one point and shared my peanut m&ms... I must be a hussy.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Friends of the opposite gender..
Youz a Hoe!
;o)
Crap.
That song is like the whole 'This is the song that never ends. . ' to me. It's on repeat.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Friends of the opposite gender.. : I iz not a Hoe. Hoe's charge. I am a slut, thankuverymuch!
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
Ah, that explains a lot. ;)
FI's approach to it is, "If I can't trust you enough to have lunch or see a movie with a guy, then we would have a major issue" Which I'm glad we don't have these kinds of trust issues, but I have been treading carefully and having good communication with FI in regard to my interactions with my friend.
A lot of the time, I hear "Well how would you feel if he did that to you?". And I can't deny, I don't know how I would feel. My FI is such a catch, any woman would be lucky to have him, but I think that I would have to trust him, even if I didn't trust the chick he was hanging out with..
[QUOTE]Thank you Emee! I can totally see what you're saying.. FI's approach to it is, "If I can't trust you enough to have lunch or see a movie with a guy, then we would have a major issue" Which I'm glad we don't have these kinds of trust issues, but I have been treading carefully and having good communication with FI in regard to my interactions with my friend. A lot of the time, I hear "Well how would you feel if he did that to you?". And I can't deny, I don't know how I would feel. My FI is such a catch, any woman would be lucky to have him, but I think that I would have to trust him, even if I didn't trust the chick he was hanging out with..
Posted by Lolagirl2012[/QUOTE]
<div>Yeah, my FI and I draw the line at drinking. I don't think it's appropriate for either of us to have solo drunk sessions with people of the opposite sex. I'm sure other people have different opinions on it, but temptation happens, why put yourself in that situation? </div>
I've drank around my FI's friends with him not there.. but there was always a group of us and FI came out later..
[QUOTE]I can see that.. I don't think it would dawn on me to have a solo drinking session with a guy.. but I guess a late lunch could turn into happy hour if you're not careful.. I've drank around my FI's friends with him not there.. but there was always a group of us and FI came out later..
Posted by Lolagirl2012[/QUOTE]
<div>I'm a one-on-one girl so I usually go out with just one friend at a time. Having a drink or two is fine, but I just won't go to a bar specifically to get drunk with some dood without my fiance there, ha. </div>
[QUOTE]Sorry, emmee, but I think that's horseshit. I am and have always been the tomboy little sister type and working in a male oriented industry compounded that trait for many years. <strong>Guys can say they want a "cool chick" who can work with power tools and doesn't mind getting grubby, but at the end of the day, they tend to go home with the pretty girl who needs a man to fix the dryer</strong>. I have one male friend that, when he lived locally, we had a standard drinking night once a week. I stayed on the couch at his apartment many a night and shared hotel rooms on several occasions. We were both single for several years and there was never a single romantic second or drunken hookup. I have another friend who is an ex precisely because we have zero sexual interest in each other. We're great friends now, he introduced me to DH as a matter of fact. Do I think it's the case with every male and female who enjoy hanging out? No. But this "guys are always trying to sleep with you when they're your friends" BS is just flat out untrue.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
Yep. Even though I was on track to become a sports reporter (and at the TV station where I worked was the go to person with producer questions when the sports director wasn't there) and friends were amazed that I could talk stats, players and games with guys, I began to keep this knowledge to myself when I realized that they would spend a lot of time talking to me and having a good time but inevitably say "goodnight. Nice talking to you" and then go hit on someone else.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Friends of the opposite gender..: Wow, judgey much? And your post implied that you agreed with the opinion that you posted from the way that you agreed with it and talked about how much you loved the blogger for saying it.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
<div>1) I loved the blogger for saying "Girls aren't people you put kindness coins into until sex falls out." Do you DISAGREE with that statement? Do you DISAGREE with that guys shouldn't be friends with girls they want to f.ck and then get upset that they didn't get any play and are in the "friend zone"? I think guys like that are buttholes, and they should wise the eff up. Ooo sorry for that opinion! I'm sure it's real controversial. I was just pointing out that the concept that guys are friends with girls to get sex is one that is believed by BOTH sexes. <em>And then I explictly said that I don't believe all guys have girl friends to bang.</em></div><div>
</div><div>ETA: the fact that the phrase "friend zone" exists is proof that clearly it's an issue. When's the last time you heard a girl say that a guy put her in the "friend zone" or heard "friend zone" referred to in a positive way? </div><div>
</div><div>2) Whoa, take a joke much? </div>
Two of my dearest friends are males, and FI, who sometimes tends towards a smidge of jealousy, has absolutely no problem with me spending time with either of them. He knows, I know, and my friends know that there has never and will never be anything sexual between us. With both of these guys, we've been single at the same time, been drunk together, called each other up at two in the morning, and traveled to foreign countries together--if there were something between us, I think that shitt would have blown up by now. So basically, emee, I disagree that a conversation needs to take place in a male-female friendship in which you explicitly state that nothing will ever happen between you two.
One thing I do agree with, no matter how much I'm just friends with my guy friends, is respecting your SO's boundaries. There's no doubt that jealousy is much more common when there are opposite sex friendships involved. I would never date someone who wouldn't let me spend time with my male friends, but I would take his comfort into consideration. For example, a couple of months ago, a male friend (not a very close one, mostly he's a CW but we also hang out outside of work) asked me to accompany him to the gym, and when I mentioned it to FI, he said he was mildly uncomfortable with the idea, but he wouldn't fight me about it. It wasn't going to make or break my life if I went with this guy, so I declined.
[QUOTE]I definitely get annoyed when I hear anyone say anything to the effect of "girls and boys can't be just friends, there's always a sexual element, one is always interested," etc. Two of my dearest friends are males, and FI, who sometimes tends towards a smidge of jealousy, has absolutely no problem with me spending time with either of them. He knows, I know, and my friends know that there has never and will never be anything sexual between us. With both of these guys, we've been single at the same time, been drunk together, called each other up at two in the morning, and traveled to foreign countries together--if there were something between us, I think that shitt would have blown up by now. So basically, emee, I disagree that a conversation needs to take place in a male-female friendship in which you explicitly state that nothing will ever happen between you two. One thing I do agree with, no matter how much I'm just friends with my guy friends, is respecting your SO's boundaries. There's no doubt that jealousy is much more common when there are opposite sex friendships involved. I would never date someone who wouldn't let me spend time with my male friends, but I would take his comfort into consideration. For example, a couple of months ago, a male friend (not a very close one, mostly he's a CW but we also hang out outside of work) asked me to accompany him to the gym, and when I mentioned it to FI, he said he was mildly uncomfortable with the idea, but he wouldn't fight me about it. It wasn't going to make or break my life if I went with this guy, so I declined.
Posted by Ali092011[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>10 months ago I would have agreed with you 100%. I had a male friend who had been my <em>best friend</em> FOR YEARS! He is hands down the kindest person I've ever known. I was the first person to say guys and girls can absolutely be friends without any issues, 100%, all the way. Got drunk one night, guess what?! He liked me the whole time. Drunk confessions are just so much fun! It was <em style="font-weight:bold;">very </em>disappointing and shocking for me. </div><div>
</div><div>I am absolutely <em>in no way </em>saying that is what happens in every situation, but if my friend of 10+ years could fool me for that long, I'm just putting it out there that, well, ish happens! </div><div>
</div><div>And more importantly, I was explaining to the OP that that was what those stupid women were talking about. Situations like ^^ </div>
[QUOTE]Emeejeeayen, I can't take your post seriously. . .Try again, or better yet, don't.
Posted by NcsuPsych[/QUOTE]
<div>If you can't accept it as an option that people might lie, I can't take you seriously. </div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Friends of the opposite gender.. : If you can't accept it as an option that people might lie, I can't take you seriously.
Posted by emeejeeayen[/QUOTE]
Good for you.
I was referencing the 'Manhattanites' comment. The other comments weren't showing when I posted.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Friends of the opposite gender.. : 10 months ago I would have agreed with you 100%. I had a male friend who had been my best friend FOR YEARS! He is hands down the kindest person I've ever known. I was the first person to say guys and girls can absolutely be friends without any issues, 100%, all the way. Got drunk one night, guess what?! He liked me the whole time. Drunk confessions are just so much fun! It was very disappointing and shocking for me. I am absolutely in no way saying that is what happens in every situation, but if my friend of 10+ years could fool me for that long, I'm just putting it out there that, well, ish happens! And more importantly, I was explaining to the OP that that was what those stupid women were talking about. Situations like ^^
Posted by emeejeeayen[/QUOTE]
But even if EVERY situation were like that, it doesn't mean it's reciprocal, so whatever "those women" were talking about isn't proof that jealousy is a valid emotion when your SO is spending time with a member of the opposite sex. IF one of my guy friends confessed to liking me for the past <em>eleven years</em> of our friendship, well, it would suck, not because FI would lose me but because I'd lose my friend. So it all goes back to trust. If I can't hang out with my guy friends because that guy friend might have liked me and not said anything for a freakin' decade, even when we were single at the same time and wasted and playing Truth or Dare, then I have a messed up relationship.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Friends of the opposite gender.. : Good for you. I was referencing the 'Manhattanites' comment. The other comments weren't showing when I posted.
Posted by NcsuPsych[/QUOTE]
<div>Then I apologize.</div><div>
</div><div>But I don't get the offense with the Manhattan comment? Truly, I don't. It's a common joke. I used to say it about myself all the time when I lived in Manhattan. You just forget when everything just ~happens~ that there's a dude that has to do this, and a chick that has to do that. When you have your own home to take care of it's just... different. My mom in CA has to know a bit about plumbing, she has to water the garden. You're not just hiring people or having them provided by the building. Why is that offensive to joke about? </div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Friends of the opposite gender.. : But even if EVERY situation were like that, it doesn't mean it's reciprocal, so whatever "those women" were talking about isn't proof that jealousy is a valid emotion when your SO is spending time with a member of the opposite sex. IF one of my guy friends confessed to liking me for the past eleven years of our friendship, well, it would suck, not because FI would lose me but because I'd lose my friend. So it all goes back to trust. If I can't hang out with my guy friends because that guy friend might have liked me and not said anything for a freakin' decade, even when we were single at the same time and wasted and playing Truth or Dare, then I have a messed up relationship.
Posted by Ali092011[/QUOTE]
<div>I don't think we disagree?</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Friends of the opposite gender.. : I don't think we disagree?
Posted by emeejeeayen[/QUOTE]
Either we disagree, you're arguing the other side for fun, or I'm completely misunderstanding everything you've said thus far. It's been a long day and I'm about to go to bed, so I'm perfectly willing to accept any or all of those explanations. :)
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Friends of the opposite gender.. : Either we disagree, you're arguing the other side for fun, or I'm completely misunderstanding everything you've said thus far. It's been a long day and I'm about to go to bed, so I'm perfectly willing to accept any or all of those explanations. :)
Posted by Ali092011[/QUOTE]
<div>1) I believe some people think that guys can't be "just friends" with girls. I think there's a lot of evidence for it, but I also know there are exceptions to every rule. I like to think I'm not like "most girls" and that my friends are special snowflakes who are not like "most people," but I was proven wrong, so I just think people should stay open minded lest they get blindsighted.
</div><div>
</div><div>2) Regardless of what someone feels about the above, what matters most is how your SO feels about it. I think it would be sh.itty to not trust your SO to use their best judgment. I choose to not get drunk with guys without my SO. I would be upset if he insisted that I don't, though.</div><div>
</div><div>I believe we're on the same page? Clue me in if I'm wrong.</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Friends of the opposite gender.. : 1) I believe some people think that guys can't be "just friends" with girls. I think there's a lot of evidence for it, but I also know there are exceptions to every rule. I like to think I'm not like "most girls" and that my friends are special snowflakes who are not like "most people," but I was proven wrong, so<strong> I just think people should stay open minded lest they get blindsighted.</strong> 2) Regardless of what someone feels about the above, what matters most is how your SO feels about it. I think it would be sh.itty to not trust your SO to use their best judgment. I choose to not get drunk with guys without my SO. I would be upset if he insisted that I don't, though. I believe we're on the same page? Clue me in if I'm wrong.
Posted by emeejeeayen[/QUOTE]
Okay, so I guess that's where we disagree. I don't <em>need </em>to keep an open mind about the possibility of my male friends secretly wanting me, nor do I want to. I'm not going to be careful around them or look for the subtext of "I want you" in everything they say. You're acting like most of the time male and female friendships turn into the guy wanting more, and <em>that</em> is where I take issue. Besides, I've seen it happen the other way around, where the woman has been secretly pining over a guy friend for years, too. It's also not unheard of, but neither is platonic friendship, KWIM?
Also, like Spunky said, if I was going to take it with a grain of salt that my guy friends only like me as a friend, I'd also have to open myself up to the possibility of all of my friends secretly wanting me, male and female, and it's just silly.
[QUOTE]Thank you Ali, you said what I have been trying to say much more clearly and eloquently. It's the lack of trust that is my issue. I look at it this way, I have had a friend steal from me. Is that always a possibility? Yeah. Do I take precautions with all of my friends now because of it? No. Likewise, if my 30 yr old friend for whatever reason decides after 10 years to throw away his marriage and his family tomorrow to profess his undying love for me, I'd be shocked and saddened and probably cut off our friendship. But I wouldn't treat every other male friend I have differently either. Emee, I want to ask something not to insult you but because I honestly think it may have bearing on the situation. How old are you?
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
<div>Stage, I think you make a really good point. Last year, I had a really good guy friend get super drunk and hit on me, way past the line of what was appropriate. However, I don't see this as a sign that I should be fearful that all of my guy friends are actually trying to get in my pants. I'm not going to let one person's inappropriate behavoir taint the rest of my friendships. </div><div>
</div><div>OP, my FI and I have several mutual friends, most of whom are guys. I've been friends with half of FI's GMs longer than I've known FI, and I actually met FI through them. There are several times when FI has been working that I've gone out to dinner or to a movie one on one with said friends. FI thinks absolutely nothing of it. As long as you and your SO have no problem with you hanging out one on one with someone of the opposite sex, it is perfectly fine, and no one should be judging you for it.</div>