How would you react?

hockeywife10

Ok, so FI and I have planned our wedding for August 10th. We had asked our pastor to marry us a few months ago. He agreed and we had our first counseling session about a month ago... We both believe in God and are saved. We also always said that we believed we needed to live together before we were married. FI moved in around October, and we never made it a secret. All of a sudden our pastor calls and says that he can not marry us in August and the only way he will is if we get married right now and have the actual ceremony in August. I know that this is a big no-no. He said that his granddaughter asked him how he could marry us living together. I am upset he would even talk about this to her, but yet he wants us to deceive everyone by getting married secretly. We refuse to lie to our family and friends. How would you all react to this?

kmbryant2413

Find a new pastor, plain and simple. He was unprofessional in discussing your personal counseling session with ANYONE. 

Maggie0829

I agree with PP.  Find a new pastor.

My sister and her H ran into this road block with a few pastors when trying to find a church to get married in.  Two pastors had very hard and fast beliefs that a couple should not live together before marriage and made that clear to them.  They told them if they lived in different locations then they would be happy to marry them.  My sister told them that if they wanted to pay the rent, utilities and all other bills for one of the two apartments that they were going to need to fulfill this request then she would be happy to oblige.  Needless to say they kept looking and found a more open minded pastor to marry them.

hockeywife10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_how-would-you-react?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:d3bcdee4-a62a-4277-8e53-8ae368196a1cPost:bd07ec6b-c38c-486c-b9d2-59fd79b04ed9">Re: How would you react?</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with PP.  Find a new pastor. My sister and her H ran into this road block with a few pastors when trying to find a church to get married in.  Two pastors had very hard and fast beliefs that a couple should not live together before marriage and made that clear to them.  They told them if they lived in different locations then they would be happy to marry them.  My sister told them that if they wanted to pay the rent, utilities and all other bills for one of the two apartments that they were going to need to fulfill this request then she would be happy to oblige.  Needless to say they kept looking and found a more open minded pastor to marry them.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

Its kind of funny that your sister told them that. I called my mom and broke down. I told her if we had the money we would just move it up, and she was so funny,( but I think she was serious). She said well than tell him that if he wants you to change it he can give you the money.

kmbryant2413

You should at least ask him why this stipulation that you live separately was not brought up when he agreed to marry you because in my mind, that's not right. I know a lot of pastors/priests/preachers believe in this, but this is the 21st century. It happens, and God-fearing people live together before marriage too.

I know how much I wanted my pastor to marry me, but wouldn't for the same reason. So ask him that question if you feel you want clarity, then move on to find another. By the time you're up at the altar, Big Bird could be marrying you and you wouldn't notice nor care. You'll be too wrapped up in FI. Promise.

hockeywife10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_how-would-you-react?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:d3bcdee4-a62a-4277-8e53-8ae368196a1cPost:47990c72-6011-4e11-abf8-09c222483593">Re: How would you react?</a>:
[QUOTE]You should at least ask him why this stipulation that you live separately was not brought up when he agreed to marry you because in my mind, that's not right. I know a lot of pastors/priests/preachers believe in this, but this is the 21st century. It happens, and God-fearing people live together before marriage too. I know how much I wanted my pastor to marry me, but wouldn't for the same reason. So ask him that question if you feel you want clarity, then move on to find another. By the time you're up at the altar, Big Bird could be marrying you and you wouldn't notice nor care. You'll be too wrapped up in FI. Promise.
Posted by kmbryant2413[/QUOTE]

He said that he didn't know. I don't 100% believe that. Even if he didn't know (like we thought) it came up at our counseling meeting. He had every opportunity to tell us than, not a month later.

kmbryant2413

You are absolutely correct, and should be entitled to an answer if that's the case. Sorry about your bad luck, I know how bad it sucks. Keep us updated!!

hockeywife10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_how-would-you-react?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:d3bcdee4-a62a-4277-8e53-8ae368196a1cPost:151a616f-2aad-4958-9b0a-5a5c96f6db99">Re:How would you react?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, I'm all about a pastor getting to set the rules of who he married according to his beliefs but I have several issues here. 1. He shouldn't have been discussing your counseling with anyone else. 2. He should have brought it up before now. 3. If he is telling you to get married now and have the church wedding later, then he obviously doesn't value the church ceremony as he should. That should be the "real" ceremony to him, meaning you'd still be living in sin until you were married before God and the church and making the JOP ceremony pointless.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Yes, I 100% agree. I think that I left a part out though. He wants us to get married at his house, not the JOP, but still....
FI texted me and said, "hey, isn't deception a sin as well?"

hockeywife10

Let me tell you what makes this an even more of an odd situation. FI's brother and sister in law lived together for a good 8-10 years before getting married. They started going to church and were told if they wanted to become members, than they needed to get married. The decided that they did want to finally "make it official." They were allowed to plan their own wedding and date. FI asked the pastor about why were they different than us, and the response was that they were not believers when they moved in together. This situation totally blows my mind.

kmbryant2413

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_how-would-you-react?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:d3bcdee4-a62a-4277-8e53-8ae368196a1cPost:fa84a697-6a68-47e8-a508-a6471c853ee0">Re: How would you react?</a>:
[QUOTE]Let me tell you what makes this an even more of an odd situation. FI's brother and sister in law lived together for a good 8-10 years before getting married. They started going to church and were told if they wanted to become members, than they needed to get married. The decided that they did want to finally "make it official." They were allowed to plan their own wedding and date. FI asked the pastor about why were they different than us, and the response was that they were not believers when they moved in together. This situation totally blows my mind.
Posted by crystal&russl10[/QUOTE]

<div>It does get stranger. Just don't mention another word to him and move on to another pastor. I'm religious as well, and that just sounds.. funky to me. I'd steer VERY clear.</div>

Salsera29

Your pastor sounds unprofessional and frankly, a little flaky. I think you should look for someone else. 

HobokensFury

Get a new pastor ASAP.

Peledreamsofrain

Your pastor was unprofessional, and is furthering the harm by asking you to violate your morals.  No man of god should be asking you to lie to your family.  

Go to a new pastor.  I know it's not ideal since you've probably been going to this church for a while, but anything is better than lying to your family.  No marriage should start out that way.

hockeywife10

This has been an emotional experience for us (we met at this church), but we have decided to not only find another pastor to marry us, but to leave the church as well. This was the last straw to a series of events. Wish us luck!!!