help! premarital issues

ScottAnnie2013

Tonight, I made a joke about the lack of sex we've been having which ended up making my fianc mad. He got real defensive asking, what have I done to initiate it. So I told him that lately he has expressed little to no interest in me sexually, which I understand because between work and school, I know he's exhausted. Well, that didn't sit well with him, he got more angry. I am naturally a very emotional person so, of course, I cried. We argued more and at some point he started laughing at me. Which made me mad and really hurt my feelings. I got up and started to leave the room and his laughing became a full belly laugh. I said, you and left the room. He yelled, if I'm going to act like that, maybe we should cancel the wedding.... Ouch!!!!
Why would he say that?
Is that his way of telling me he doesn't want to get married?
Did he say that out of anger for being cursed at? I did apologize for cursing, but explained that he hurt my feelings
Or am I just an emotional, PMSing, train wreck who shouldn't take things so personal?
Help!

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_help-premarital-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:d44aeac4-6aae-43b5-97bc-83b7acc16356Post:e22a4da7-6214-417a-90af-4c4760e679a7">help! premarital issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Tonight, I made a joke about the lack of sex we've been having which ended up making my fianc mad. He got real defensive asking, what have I done to initiate it. So I told him that lately he has expressed little to no interest in me sexually, which I understand because between work and school, I know he's exhausted. Well, that didn't sit well with him, he got more angry. I am naturally a very emotional person so, of course, I cried. We argued more and at some point he started laughing at me. Which made me mad and really hurt my feelings. I got up and started to leave the room and his laughing became a full belly laugh. I said, you and left the room. He yelled, if I'm going to act like that, maybe we should cancel the wedding.... Ouch!!!! Why would he say that? Is that his way of telling me he doesn't want to get married? Did he say that out of anger for being cursed at? I did apologize for cursing, but explained that he hurt my feelings Or am I just an emotional, PMSing, train wreck who shouldn't take things so personal? Help!
Posted by ScottAnnie2013[/QUOTE]
Option D: You need premarital counseling.

staar987

Premarital counseling for sure.

I would flip the eff out if H laughed at me when I was upset.

Avion22

First, let everything cool down.   In a day or so, have a talk.  Be as calm as you can, and try to explain how his laughing and threatening not to get married hurt you, and maybe appologize for the joke about your sex life in the first place.   Suggest counseling.  

I think a lot of people hear "counsseling" and think that the other person is suggesting it becuase they want to break up.   Make it clear that you want counseling because it will help set you on the right foot to have good communication and a strong marriage.   

Kristin789

And if you don't like the word COUNSELING, at least schedule a meeting with you and FI and your officiant, to get re-centered on what this is all about.

JaxInBlue

Agree with PPs.  Let the high emotions from this incident cool down and then together discuss whether or not counseling or mediation around conflict resolution and communication would be right for you guys.  You both need to own your portion of responsibility for what happened, and to be willing to listen to and acknowledge the other person's perspective without getting emotional or defensive.

As someone who was incredibly resistant to the idea of required premarital counseling, I did appreciate that participating in a program gave DH and me the opportunity to check in on a number of areas in our relationship that we don't address regularly.  If you aren't participating in a program through a church or religious group, you can probably find a marriage or family counselor to do a few sessions with you.

daubachsgirl23

Stage has excellent advice.

zantster

I don't know your FI so this is just speculation, but knowing how sensitive many men are about their libido and ability to satisfy their SO it could be that perhaps he laughed to counter the sheer frustration and humiliation he may have been feeling at being made fun of.  It could be that laughing was a better release for him than continued yelling and arguing and seeing you upset and crying would have been a satisfying way for him to transfer his feelings of resentment back to you.  

If after apologizing for the part you played he doesn't take any responsibility himself and retract his words, you should definitely go further like PPs said to seek a trusted intermediary to help you both improve the health of your relationship.  It doesn't always have to be a licensed counselor.  But someone who you mutually trust and respect would be good. 

Also, when someone tries to use getting married as a weapon I have found it's good to take away that power.  So, letting your FI know that while you would love to marry him it is most important to you that both of you want the same thing 100% otherwise it won't work for you either, is a way of communicating to him that you are not afraid of being without him and he can't use that as a way of controlling you.

renegade gaucho

Is this typical of the way the two of you handle conflict?  If so, then you definitely need to put the wedding talk on hold and get some counseling- with a licensed mental health professional, not your wedding officiant.

mmccolpin

You don't need counseling...  You just need a day of nothing with your honey.  Stay in bed and talk all day.  The stress of wedding planning can turn you into someone you're most definately not.  Get to know eachother again and don't talk about the wedding