My fiance and I are getting married this summer. We have been working very hard to save (I have taken on another job and we have put everything we can into our bank account instead of buying things or going out). It's very important to us to be able to pay for everything ourselves if only because we feel that it is important step for us to be able to have such a huge financial goal and meet it. So far, we are in great shape and should have no major problems paying for anything. I also like the freedom that paying for things ourselves affords us, because it means that we can have the wedding of our choosing.
It turns out that this is a good idea that we have saved so carefully because we wouldn't be able to get much help financially from our families. FI's father got audited by the IRS and owes quite a bit of money. I feel badly for their situation, and I also feel bad because I am sure that FFIL would like to contribute if he were in a different position (that's just his personality- he is a very giving person).
As a result, his father seems uncomfortable even discussing anything to do with the wedding. I have tried to include FI's mother in the planning, but she has made it clear that she is not interested. In fact, she has been pretty rude about almost every aspect of our wedding (which is probably a separate issue from the $). She criticizes the dresses, the flowers, the food, and the venue and has not had one positive word to say. At this point, I don't even like bringing the wedding up to her because I am tired of feeling like it isn't good enough. I was trying to make sure that she felt she was included and the fact that they weren't chipping in didn't matter- the contributions of her support was enough. (Just to be clear- I never discussed money or lack thereof with them after the initial conversation that they could not help- I was just asking for her opinion because I know my mother wanted to be more included in my brother's wedding).
Basically, the problem is that FI does not want to plan much without getting his parent's' approval. He thinks that his parents may want to contribute after all, and thinks that we shouldn't plan certain aspects like the transportation or the RD because they will want to try to find a way to pay for it and should therefore make the decisions. He doesn't want to insult them.
I don't want to wait much longer, because the places that I am looking at booking happen to fill up their dates pretty quickly. I also definitely don't want FI to ask his parents about it because I think it is incredibly unlikely that they will be looking to pay for anything and I don't want to make them feel badly about it. I feel like asking them would be tantamount to asking for money, and that the most we should do is mention our plans (i.e...hey, we were thinking of booking this restaurant- does that sound good?) and if they don't have any objections, just moving forward.
Basically, I just want everyone to have a good time, not worry about how things are getting paid for, and I just want to get a move on! This makes FI upset. How do you think I should approach this situation to create the least hurt feelings possible?
CN: We are paying for the wedding. FI's parents have said they cannot chip in, but he thinks they may change their minds and does not want to book vendors because he doesn't want to insult them. For example, if they were paying for the RD, then they should choose where it is. I want to start making deposits as I feel that they have been clear enough and I don't want to have any conversation that even remotely seems like we are asking for money.
Sorry if this was really long and convoluted!